Deconstruction
by ciaddict
Summary: Continuing story of Bobby/Annie, Mike/Sarah, Tom/Alex. Sequel to Disintegration. Rated M for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**DECONSTRUCTION**

_Author's note: I do not own any Law and Order Criminal Intent characters, nor do I own any characters from Law and Order who might show up. Dick Wolf, of course, owns them and has done quite well by them._

I do own the other characters in this story: Annie, the children, Sarah, Tom, and various other people (named and unnamed). They inhabit my imagination where they live out their lives trying to fit into the LOCI universe.

_This story is set during season 6 of LOCI….and gets its title from an interview that Vincent D'Onofrio did prior to season 6, saying he wanted to "see the deconstruction of Bobby Goren." For those of us who have followed the series, we all know how traumatic season 6 was for Bobby….and it will be just as traumatic for Annie and their children. So buckle your seat belts….it's going to be a bumpy ride! We will also be seeing first person Bobby narratives from time to time._

_Chapters 1 and 2 begin just before the season begins…before Blind Spot. And it picks up where Disintegration ended: Mike and Sarah getting back together, Bobby and Annie separated, and Alex Eames moving into a new house._

**CHAPTER 1**

_I stare up at the ceiling of my combination bedroom/living room in the dark. My bedroom. My bedroom is the one I share with my wife, in our house. This room, this apartment….it feels more like a cheap motel than a home. Although I brought a few of my things, I am surrounded by furniture that is not my own. And although noise from traffic seeps through the windows, inside this apartment it is too quiet. No sounds of my children talking, laughing, calling to me. No sounds of my wife singing, murmuring my name….or angrily accusing me of pushing her away. _

_It has been over twenty four hours since I left. Annie was so devastated that I expected her to call constantly, begging me to come home. But she hasn't called once. Is she alright? Should I call to check on her? I look at the clock. It's after 10 PM. Normally Annie would be in bed, but she has taken this week off work. Maybe she is still awake. I reach for my cell phone and she answers on the second ring._

"_Bobby?" _

"_Did I wake you?"_

"_Umm….no…" Even without seeing her face, I know she is lying._

"_Are you OK?" Silence. "Annie? Are you alright?"_

"_No." Now I am silent, at a loss for words. "Come home, Bobby," she whispers. _

"_I can't Annie. Not now. Just give it some time," I tell her._

"_I don't want to give it time. I want you to come home." Her voice cracks and I know she is on the verge of tears. Maybe it was a mistake to call her, but I wanted to check on her. And I admit…..I wanted to hear her voice. _

"_I explained this to you," I say softly. "I had to leave. I was afraid I might hurt you."_

"_You're hurting me now." Now she is crying and the sound of her soft sobbing breaks my heart. _

"_I know I am, Babe. I'm sorry I woke you. I wanted to make sure you were alright. But I should hang up because I think this is just making things worse. Annie, I lo……I'm sorry."_

_I hang up before she can plead with me again. I hold the phone against my chest for several minutes, waiting to see if she will call back. But the phone remains silent. I know I won't be falling asleep anytime soon, so I get out of bed and walk into the tiny kitchenette. Pulling a beer from the refrigerator, I settle on the couch. Opening a book I had been reading earlier, I try to concentrate on criminal psychology. _

* * *

Mike parked and sat for a few moments, looking at Sarah's house. He was more nervous than when he met her for their first date. He was more nervous than he had ever been for any date.

_"I know that you're a big fat coward. Scared of a little girl!"_ Sarah's words from the night before came back to him. Truer words have never been spoken, he thought. He was terrified of spending the evening with Jia Li. The last time he met her, she had wanted him read to her....but what else was he supposed to do? He had no idea how to talk to a five year old. _OK Logan, _he thought, _time to man up._

He got out of the car and walked to the front door. He smiled when he saw Jia Li's face in the window, peering out at him. She smiled and waved, then disappeared from sight. He could hear her excited voice calling to her mother as he rang the doorbell. Then Sarah was opening the door, smiling and looking beautiful in a sleeveless red shirt and black capri pants. And there was Jia Li in pink shorts with a flowered top.

"'Tective Mike! Mommy says you're having dinner with us! We're having hamburgers! Do you like hamburgers? I love them! And she says we are going to get 'quainted....and maybe you can read to me later and I shouldn't bug you and be patient and she'll tell me if it's OK to ask!"

"Jia Li!" Sarah said with a laugh. "Let Detective Mike get inside the house before you scare him off."

He chuckled as he stepped inside the house. Sarah squeezed his hand and led him to the living room.

"How come you're scared, 'Tective Mike?" Jia Li looked up at him with wide eyes.

"I think your Mommy was joking, Jia Li," Mike said with a laugh. "You aren't scary at all. I...uh...brought you something."

He held out a shopping bag and Jia Li squealed with delight before she even opened it. She sat on the floor and pulled out a book.

"Look Mommy! A ballerina! Thank you, 'Tective Mike!"

Her voice was filled with wonder and Mike chuckled, thinking that she truly was the daughter of a librarian who had filled her with a love of books. Jia Li begged to have it read to her, and Sarah agreed that they could read it _once_ before dinner. Mike and Sarah sat on the sofa and Jia Li squeezed between them. She put her hand in Mike's as her mother began to read.

Mike soon realized he needn't have worried about finding something to talk about with her. Jia Li had more than enough subjects to discuss to fill the evening. He found himself enjoying the way she jumped from topic to topic. As they ate hamburgers, Jia Li talked about dogs and how much she wanted one....and how much she loved Miss Annie's and 'Tective Bobby's dog, Sandy. Sarah smiled indulgently and remained noncommittal, evidently having faced this not so subtle hint before. He and Jia Li helped clear the table, and Jia Li sat at the table looking at her new book, sounding out the words, while Mike and Sarah loaded the dishwasher and put the food away. Sarah offered him a beer and he sat on the couch and listened to the sounds of Sarah giving her daughter a bath. Their voices drifted down the hallway and wound around him. He thought that he had never felt so....peaceful, as he listened to their laughter and teasing. When they were finished, they joined him in the living room; Jia Li dressed in a purple nightgown with what looked like a princess on the front. They sat on the sofa, with Jia Li in the middle again, and Sarah read a chapter from "Little House on the Prairie"....and then a second chapter after some pleading.

"OK," Sarah finally said, refusing to read 'just one more'. "It's time for bed. Tell Detective Mike goodnight."

The little girl sighed dramatically, then turned around and threw her chubby arms around Mike's neck. She kissed his cheek and said, "Night, 'Tective Mike. Thank you for the book."

Mike wrapped his arms around her and gave her a brief hug, looking up at Sarah to find her smiling at him. Over the lump in his throat he said, "You're welcome, Jia Li. Goodnight."

Sarah leaned down and kissed the top of his head as she followed Jia Li to her bedroom. He sat and listened to the murmur of their voices coming from Jia Li's bedroom. Then Sarah was back, lowering herself onto his lap and pulling him into an embrace.

"You did good, Detective," she whispered before kissing him.

They sat quietly, Sarah's head nestled on his shoulder, and listened to singing coming from Jia Li's room.

"Fishy, fishy swim in the water  
Fishy, fishy, swishy swish  
God makes fishy swim in the water  
Fishy, fishy swishy swish"

"Zacchaeus was a wee little man, and a wee little man was he.  
He climbed up in a sycamore tree, for the Lord he wanted to see.  
And as the Savior passed him by, He looked up in the tree,  
And he said, "Zacchaeus, you come down from there;  
For I'm going to your house today, for I'm going to your house today"

One song after another, Jia Li sang. Finally her voice began to fade and then there was silence. Mike felt Sarah smile against his shoulder and she lifted her head to kiss him again.

"She finally gave out," she whispered.

"Does she sing herself to sleep every night?"

"Every night. And the minute her eyes open in the morning, she starts all over." She chuckled. "She's been learning a lot of Bible songs lately from going to church with Annie. So that's what she is singing these days."

"Annie takes her to church?"

"Hmm, mmm….she really likes it." She sat up and looked at him. "I should call Annie tomorrow…she'll be happy to hear we are back together."

Mike laughed and trailed a finger along her jaw. "Yeah….I'm sure she will. She talked to me, you know."

"About us?"

"In a roundabout way….one night Goren and I were having drinks and she joined us. Made a point of telling me what a rotten childhood Bobby had and what a great dad he turned out to be." He grinned at her. "It didn't take a Major Case detective to figure out the two of you had been talking."

"Are you mad that I talked to her?" Sarah whispered as she dropped light kisses on his face.

"No." Mike stopped for a moment to capture her mouth with his. "I know you're friends and I know….that you were hurting. And what she said made sense." Sarah's lips found his again. "So….I'm guessing that this is as far as we go tonight?"

Sarah sat back slightly to look in his face. She nodded and said, "I'm afraid so…with Jia Li in the house. Do you mind?"

Mike grinned at her. "No….I'm in this for whatever you're willing to give, Sweetheart."

Sarah smiled at him and he pulled her closer for another kiss.

* * *

Annie opened her eyes in the dark room, finally focusing on the clock on Bobby's night stand. 3:00 AM. _What day is it,_ she wondered. How many days had it been since……..

It seemed like a horrible nightmare, but it was real enough. She was lying on Bobby's side of the bed. Because Bobby was not on his side of the bed. He was not in their bed, not in their house. Bobby had moved out. He had packed his clothes and his books and his computer….and moved them into an apartment. _Bobby's apartment._ That had happened on Sunday…….how many days had passed since then? Time was jumbled and she couldn't remember how many days and nights she had lain in this bed, getting up only to use the bathroom or to get a drink of water. She thought of eating a few times and even went downstairs to the kitchen. But a banana and a few crackers were all she had eaten. She didn't have the energy to prepare anything. Even making a decision about the crackers had exhausted her.

She talked to Grandpa and the children once, telling them only that Bobby was working overtime and she had the flu and needed to sleep. Janey called a few times and Annie gave her the same story. She thought she heard knocking at the front door and the doorbell once, but she ignored it and it stopped. All other calls she ignored, checking only to see if Bobby was calling. But he had only called once.

The kids…she was supposed to drive up to Connecticut on Saturday to pick them up and bring them home. Was that today? She hoped not because she didn't think she had the energy to make the drive. Or to tell the children that Daddy had moved out. She should look at a newspaper or the TV……find out what day it was. But right now she just couldn't seem to move. Later…….she would check later.

Annie closed her eyes and buried her face in the sheets. His scent was almost gone from them. One tear slipped down her cheek as she drifted back into the welcome nothingness of sleep.

* * *

Janey hung up the phone with a sigh of frustration. She hadn't talked to Annie in days. They hadn't really talked since last Sunday morning when Annie was getting ready to take the children to Connecticut to spend a week with her grandfather. They talked only briefly on the phone a couple of times since then. Annie said she had the flu and just needed to sleep. She said that Bobby was putting in overtime this week, but Janey hadn't seen his car in the driveway all week. She had even gone over one day, but there was no answer to her knocking or the doorbell, even though Annie's SUV was in the driveway. She was glad Rob was at work because he would probably tell her that what she was about to do was a mistake.

"Hello?"

"Bobby….it's Janey. I'm sorry to bother you at work, but I'm just a little worried about Annie."

"Is…why are you worried about her?"

"I know that she's sick, but…"

"Annie's sick?"

"Uh…well…" Janey was confused. How could Bobby not know that Annie was sick? "She said she has the flu. I know that you've been working overtime, but…is she OK? She hasn't answered the phone in a couple of days and I…I'm worried."

She heard him sigh. "Janey….look, I don't think Annie is sick. And….I haven't been working overtime." He paused for a moment. "The truth is that….I moved out."

"You what?!"

"I moved out last Sunday. We….it's a temporary separation."

"Oh God! Bobby, I'm so sorry!"

"Annie probably just wanted to be alone…..didn't want to talk to anyone."

"Probably?" Janey's voice was shrill. "What do you mean, 'probably'? Haven't you talked to her?"

"Uh…no…I mean, yes…yes, I talked to her. I called her one night to make sure she was OK."

"And?"

"She was….sad. But she was OK."

"But you haven't been over there to check on her?"

"Well…no. I wanted to give her some time to….to adjust."

"Time to adjust?! I can't believe you, Bobby Goren!"

Janey slammed the phone down. She opened a drawer and pulled out a spare key to the Gorens' house. Opening the back door she yelled to her two sons.

"Boys! I'm going next door to see Aunt Annie. And I do not want to be interrupted unless it is an extreme emergency. Understood?"

Janey stood in front of the door and knocked, then rang the doorbell. There was no answer, so she used the key to unlock the door. She stepped inside and stood for a moment, listening. Hearing nothing, she started up the stairs and found her friend in her bed, sleeping soundly.

"Annie?" Janey called to her softly, walking into the room. There was no answer, so she shook her and called her again. "Annie? Annie…wake up."

Annie groaned softly and buried her head further in the pillow.

"Annie," Janey said, kneeling on the bed. "Annie, wake up."

She pulled the blankets off of Annie and shook her again, saying louder, "Annie, wake up!"

Annie turned her head to glare at her and pushed her hand away.

"Go away," she mumbled and again buried her face in her pillow.

Janey was worried now and pulled the pillow away. She forced Annie to roll onto her back. Annie pushed her hands away again.

"Leave me alone!"

"Annie…." She shook her again. "Annie! Have you taken anything?"

"No! Now leave me alone…I'm tired."

Annie tried to roll back over, but Janey grabbed her wrists and pulled her towards the edge of the bed.

"Hey! Stop that! Leave me alone!"

At the edge of the bed, Janey grasped her under the arms and pulled her off the bed, forcing her to stand up. Annie was awake now, and angry. But Janey ignored her spluttering protests and pushed her towards the bathroom. Days of no food and little fluids had left Annie weak, so her attempts to resist were futile. Janey pushed her into the bathroom and, sliding the door of the shower open, into the shower. She reached over and turned the cold water on, pushing Annie back to sit on the small ledge and slamming the shower door closed just as the first burst of cold spray hit her. Annie screamed and reached for the door, but Janey held it firmly closed.

"You are staying in there until you take a shower," she yelled. "You look and smell like you've been in that bed for a month!"

Yelling expletives, Annie reached over to turn the hot water on. She stripped her soaking pajamas off and threw them over the top of the shower as hard as she could, taking a bit of satisfaction at the sound of the wet clothing smacking against the floor. Once the water warmed up, Annie discovered that the hot stinging spray felt good. She shampooed her hair twice and scrubbed her body. Then she just stood under the spray, eyes closed, for a long time.

When she was satisfied that Annie wasn't going to try to escape, Janey let go of the shower door. She picked up Annie's wet clothing and dumped them into the hamper, and cleaned up the water left behind. Going into the bedroom, Janey stripped the sheets off of the bed and threw them into the hamper as well. She found clean sheets and remade the bed. Checking to make sure Annie was alright, she took the hamper downstairs and put the sheets in the washing machine. In the kitchen, she put the tea kettle on to boil water for tea and checked Annie's cupboards to see what she could find for her to eat. Deciding tea and crackers were probably the best choice for now, Janey prepared a tray and left the kitchen. As she started up the stairs, the front door opened and Bobby stepped in. Janey turned to face him.

"Janey…is Annie alright?"

Janey drew herself up to her full height. "Really Bobby? Five days and you're just now asking if she is alright?"

"I told you I called her…is she alright?"

Janey relented at the worried look on his haggard face. "I don't know, Bobby," she said with a sigh. "It looks like she's been in that bed all week. I'm not sure she has even eaten anything. I forced her to get in the shower and I'm taking her something to eat. Beyond that…I just don't know."

"I should talk to her," he said, taking a step towards the stairs. But Janey blocked his way.

"No, I don't think that's a good idea right now."

They stood staring at one another for a moment before Bobby nodded and backed up.

"I just….I don't know how to help her through this," he said softly.

"Well, maybe you can't help her….you moved out. That's got to be….God, Bobby, what happened? I've never known two people as in love as you and Annie. I had no idea that anything was wrong. I know she hasn't been herself lately but…..Annie's my best friend, but she never mentioned that there were problems."

Bobby looked down at the floor. "It's…complicated. I guess Annie just….just didn't want anyone to know we were having problems. I don't think she told anyone." He looked back up at Janey. "It's temporary…this separation. I….we…just need to work through some things and we weren't working through them. I thought maybe if we both had some space, some time alone…maybe then we could work through it."

"I hope so, Bobby, I really hope so. For now, though, I think you should leave. She really seems to be a mess right now….just let her…."

Bobby nodded. "OK, I'll go. Just tell her….well, let me know if I need to do anything."

Janey watched him leave, and then turned to go upstairs to her friend.

* * *

Annie stepped out of the shower and wrapped a large, fluffy towel around herself and wound her wet hair into a smaller one. Wiping the steam off of the mirror, she stood for a moment looking at her reflection. _I look awful,_ she thought. Her face was puffy and there were bags under her eyes, as though she hadn't slept in days when that's almost all she had done for the last….how long? She wasn't sure what day it was.

She reached for her bathrobe, hanging on the back of the door and noticed Bobby's bathrobe next to it. He hadn't taken it. _He loves that robe, he must have forgotten it,_ she thought. She lightly ran her fingers over the terrycloth, and then leaned forward to rub it against her cheek. His scent was on it and she buried her face in the robe, inhaling deeply.

Opening the door of the bathroom, she found Janey setting a tray on the table next to the loveseat. Janey smiled at her but didn't say anything and Annie was grateful that she didn't ask any questions. She wasn't hungry and didn't know if she could eat anything, but she moved across the room towards the loveseat. The tea smelled good…maybe she would try a little of that. Halfway across the room she realized that Janey had made the bed. Catching a glimpse of a pillowcase she realized that it was different from what had been on the bed all week. She stopped and stared at Janey.

"You…you changed the sheets?"

"Well…yeah," Janey said with a nod. "Annie….the sheets were…I thought you would feel better going to bed tonight with nice clean sheets."

"But….the sheets…they smelled like….like Bobby," she said softly, tears welling up and spilling down her cheeks.

"No," Janey said, taking Annie's arm firmly and leading her to the loveseat. "They smelled like sheets that haven't been washed in way too long. Now sit down here and try to eat something."

Annie obediently sat down and picked up the mug of tea, taking a small sip. To her surprise it tasted good and she was suddenly hungry. She ate the crackers and drank the tea in silence while Janey fussed around the room, straightening things. She left the room to go back to the laundry room and move the laundry from the washing machine to the dryer. When she came back to the bedroom, Annie had finished with her tea and crackers and was sitting silently, staring at the wedding picture on the wall across the room. Janey sat down next to her.

"What day is it?" Annie asked.

"Friday."

"Oh….I have to go get the kids tomorrow. And…..tell them."

"Annie, tell me what happened," Janey said gently.

"He left," Annie whispered, not taking her eyes off the photo.

"But…why? You and Bobby are….you never mentioned any problems."

"No," Annie said with a sigh. "No, I never mentioned it. I didn't want anyone to know…I thought we would work them out, and I didn't want people taking sides."

"He didn't…there wasn't….someone else…was there?"

"No, of course not. Bobby wouldn't…." Annie took a deep breath and closed her eyes, leaning her head against the love seat. "It started with that thing between his mother and me, and it just kind of grew. He….withdrew. And the more he withdrew, the more I pushed. The more I pushed, the more he withdrew. Until…." She drew in a shaky breath. "We were just fighting all the time….and….he…he thought we should take some….time…..apart."

Tears trickled down her cheeks and Janey put her arm around her and sat silently with her.

* * *

When Janey finally believed that she was going to be alright and left her alone, Annie tried to gather herself to call Bobby. They needed to discuss the children. However much she wanted to deny that he had left, however much she wanted to beg him to come home, the fact was that the children were coming home tomorrow and they needed to be unified in what they told them. She needed to put her grief aside and think about her children. Taking a deep breath, she picked up the phone and dialed Bobby's cell.

"Annie? Are you alright?"

Her resolve wavered at the sound of his voice. Tears filled her eyes and she couldn't speak for a moment.

"Annie? Are you alright?"

"I…I'm OK," she said softly. "I just….we need to talk about the kids. I'm going to bring them home tomorrow and we need to decide how t….to….tell them."

"I'll go with you and we'll talk to them together, OK?"

"I…don't…uh…." Could she face sitting next to him on the drive up? She had difficulty not crying right now, just talking to him on the phone. How could she be with him all day and take care of the kids' questions and confusion…and not cry herself? But….it was a chance to see him, talk to him….

"OK," she finally said with a sigh. "Together."

After she hung up, she decided to get dressed. Pulling on some shorts and a top, she hung her bathrobe back on the hook on the bathroom door. She stared at Bobby's robe for a moment, and then leaned into it to inhale his scent. Taking it down from the hook, Annie went to the bedroom and searched until she found a clear plastic bag that a blanket had been stored in. Carefully folding the robe, she held it against her face and inhaled one more time, and then put it in the bag. Zipping it up, she took it to the closet and put it on a shelf behind some boxes.

**End Chapter 1**

11


	2. Chapter 2

**DECONSTRUCTION**

_Thank you to Judyg for beta'ing. I've been so consumed by writing and getting these stories out of my head that I have been keeping her busy, both as a beta and as a consultant. Thank you Judy!_

_This chapter is also before the events of Blind Spot. _

**CHAPTER 2**

_I have been in hiding this last week. Hiding in this hole of an apartment. Even at work, I hide from my partner, not telling her anything about the separation. I haven't told anyone, except Janey when she called about Annie. Annie….Janey said she thought she had been in bed all week. She has been hiding, too. _

_But today we both have to stop hiding. We are going to Connecticut to get the children. We will have to tell them. How will they take it? Ally is so much like her mother, both in looks and personality; they feel things deeply. I can't bear to think of the accusing looks my children will give me once they know that I have left them. _

_I left them….just like my father left my brother and me? Not quite the same. I haven't left because of gambling, or alcohol, or women, or because my wife is ill. But leaving is leaving…it will feel the same to them as it did to me. And still I left. Not so different from my father, after all. _

_Today we stop hiding, Annie and I._

* * *

Saturday was one of the most difficult days Annie had ever been through. Harder, even, than the day Bobby left. Sitting next to him in the SUV, both of them silent and lost in their own thoughts, on the drive up. Annie stared out the window and remembered the last time they had made this trip together. Christmas seemed a lifetime away, with the laughter and joy.

Seeing the children and Sandy run from Grandpa's house, full of laughter and stories about their week, throwing themselves into their parents' arms….she had to carefully keep her gaze away from Bobby or she knew she would burst into tears. She knew that Grandpa could see immediately that something was wrong, but he didn't ask any questions. Sitting in Grandpa's living room, the quilts made by her mother and grandmother draped on the furniture, they told the children. Knowing Bobby's penchant for taking blame on himself, she insisted that they keep it simple and vague, saying only that they had things to work out….and that they emphasize that it was a joint decision. He agreed reluctantly.

Watching her children's faces as their world shifted under their feet…maybe this was the most difficult part. Or was watching them and not allowing herself to cry with them the most difficult part? As Ally crawled into her father's lap and sobbed in his arms, Annie wanted more than anything to join her. But she stayed where she was and Phillip curled up against her side, tears rolling silently down his face. She reached for Andrew, but he stayed just out of her reach. He didn't cry, he didn't ask questions, he stood stoically….looking more than ever like his father.

Her grandfather got her alone before they left and finally she cried as he held her in his arms. He whispered encouragement, told her he would pray for them, assured her that he knew they would work things out and Bobby would be home soon. She knew he spent a few minutes alone with Bobby as well.

Everyone was quiet and subdued as they loaded the bags into the SUV. Driving home was also quiet, except for Ally's occasional sniffles. At the house, Annie told the children to take their bags to their rooms. There was an uncomfortable silence after the children disappeared up the stairs.

"Well," Bobby said finally, "I should get going. I almost forgot," he added, "I left my bathrobe here. Do you mind if I go up and get it?"

"I…uh…haven't seen it," she stammered.

"It should be in the bathroom….I'll just go get it."

"I…haven't seen it….in there."

Bobby frowned slightly, looking at her. Her face was warm and she knew it must be red.

"Is it OK if I go look?" he asked.

"OK…but I don't think it's there."

Giving her a puzzled look, Bobby went up the stairs. He was gone several minutes; she heard him opening the closet doors and she held her breath. Finally he came back downstairs.

"I didn't see it anywhere." Annie nodded, but couldn't meet his eyes. "If….if you see it, will you let me know?"

She nodded again, not trusting her voice. She knew how easily Bobby read her expressions; she knew he must know she was lying….but he didn't know what else to say. Thankfully, he let the subject drop as the children came downstairs.

"I should go," he said again.

"Daddy," Ally interjected, "I want to see your apartment."

Bobby nodded. "It's not much….just two rooms and a bathroom. You'll see it soon, Sweetheart."

"I want to see it today…now," insisted Ally. Turning to her mother she asked, "Can we go see Dad's apartment?"

Phillip spoke up as well. "Yeah, I want to see your apartment, Dad."

Annie hadn't thought forward far enough to envision this….the children going to Bobby's apartment. Without her. Spending time with him, with her…always separate. She suddenly felt alone.

"Maybe another time, guys," Bobby said, his eyes on her face.

Taking a deep breath, Annie said, "Maybe….now is OK." Bobby gave her a questioning look. "I think….I think you should take them to see….your apartment. I'll…..I can come and pick them up later."

"Are you sure," he asked quietly.

_NO!_ her mind screamed. "Yes," she said.

Phillip and Ally headed for the door, but Andrew stayed where he was, looking from one parent to the other.

"I'll stay here…with you, Mom," he told her.

Annie looked at him and fought back tears. He wanted to go, she could see it. But he felt…what? That he would betray her if he went? That he needed to stay so she wouldn't be alone? Annie went and put her arms around him. He felt foreign to her; so tall, so sturdy, built so much like his father. When had her children ceased to be babies, she wondered.

"I think you should go see your Dad's apartment," she told him softly. "And I'll pick you up later and we'll go get dinner." He looked at her, searching her face. "I really want you to go," she assured him.

"OK," he finally conceded.

Bobby wrote down his address…how bizarre, she thought…my husband giving me his address. Annie watched them leave, stood at the window and watched the Mustang back out and drive away. Then, and only then, did she give into the tears that were burning her eyes.

Annie stood on the sidewalk, looking up at the old building. She turned and scanned the street. This was not the inner city, by any means, but she could tell it was not the safest neighborhood in New York. For the first time in a week, her thoughts turned from her own blinding pain to Bobby….living in this neighborhood. But he could take care of himself, right? And he wouldn't leave their children alone here when they were visiting, would he? Visiting…when the children visited their father. What strange words. Sighing, she climbed the steps to the locked front door and pushed the button for Bobby's apartment.

"Yes," came Bobby's voice over the intercom.

"It's me," she said, wanting to add, _your wife, the one who lives in your home…your real home._

"C'mon up," he told her, the buzzer indicating the door was unlocked.

Annie pushed the door open and walked through the small, dingy lobby. There was a bank of mailboxes on one wall. No elevator, just stairs. She began walking up the first flight….Bobby's apartment was on the third floor. Her heart began to pound as she climbed and by the time she got to the second floor landing, she was out of breath. Strange….she hadn't exercised all week, but she shouldn't be that out of shape. She paused for a moment and began to ascend the next flight. But with each step, it felt like she was walking through mud. It felt like a nightmare of being trapped in quicksand. She could feel her heart pounding. She couldn't catch her breath and recognized the feeling of hyperventilating. It had only happened to her once….barely a week ago. Half-way up the stairs she stopped and leaned over, trying to catch her breath. Trying not to pass out.

Bobby frowned and glanced at his watch. It had been five minutes since he buzzed Annie in…plenty of time for her to climb the two flights of stairs to his apartment. He looked over at the children. Exploring his small studio apartment hadn't taken very long and they were all sitting on the worn sofa, watching TV.

"You guys wait here," he told them. "I'm going to meet your mom and walk up with her."

Leaving his apartment, he went down the hallway to the stairway. At the head of the stairs he saw her. She was sitting on a step, halfway between the second and third floors. She looked like she did the day he left; arms hugging her knees, face buried, rocking slightly, shoulders shaking….although this time she was crying quietly, not sobbing. Bobby quietly walked down and sat on the step next to her. He didn't touch her, didn't speak; he just waited.

"I tried," Annie whispered, lifting her head. "I really tried," she said a little louder. "I thought I could do it….but when I started climbing the stairs….my…my heart was pounding, I couldn't breathe. I thought I was going to pass out." He didn't answer, he just nodded his head. "Bobby….I can't….I just can't see….the place where you live….without me….without us."

She lowered her head to her knees again and they sat in silence for several minutes.

"You should go home," he said softly. "I'll keep the kids a while, let you….well….I'll take them to dinner and bring them home later. OK?"

Annie sat up and heaved a deep sigh…._relief? _he wondered. _Or resignation?_

"Thank you," she said and stood up.

Bobby stayed on the step, watching her slowly walk away. He watched until he lost sight of her. He waited until he heard the lobby door open and close. Waited another minute, and then pulled himself up. Turning to go up the stairs, he headed back to his apartment.

Alex watched her partner across their desks. Something was going on with him, but she didn't know what. And he wasn't talking. The few times she asked, he simply said he was fine, Annie was fine, the kids were fine. But she could see that he wasn't fine. She could see he wasn't sleeping well. He never seemed to sleep a lot anyway, but this was different. His features had a perpetual weariness. Even the way he walked had taken on a slow, lumbering gait. He had gained weight since his knee injury, but lately he seemed even heavier. Heavy…that was a good word to describe Bobby Goren these days. Apart from his weight gain, there was a heaviness in the way he moved and held himself…as though he were carrying a two hundred pound pack on his back.

There was tension between Goren and the new captain, which probably didn't help whatever else was going on with him. Captain Ross had arrived without fanfare and immediately set about redecorating Captain Deakin's office. No…not Captain Deakin's office anymore…..this was Captain Ross' office and he seemed to be trying to wipe it clean of any trace of his predecessor.

Captain Ross seemed to zero in on Goren and Logan as the detectives he most needed to impress with his authority. It seems her father was right….Ross was aware of their reputations and had targeted them as most likely to make problems for him in his new position. So far he and Logan hadn't had any conflict. Logan was mostly pulling desk duty since Barek left to work for the mayor's task force. Ross was bringing a detective over from a task force he had worked, but it would be a few more weeks before Detective Megan Wheeler arrived.

There hadn't been conflict with Goren, either. But it was as though the entire squad was holding their breath, waiting. Ross and Goren spoke little and seemed to be sizing one another up…..like alpha male lions circling, each waiting for the other to make the first move.

She glanced at Bobby again as his cell phone went off. He picked it up from the desk and looked at the display. She saw irritation flash across his face as he stood up and walked towards an empty interview room to answer it. He closed the door and she couldn't hear what he said, but his body language was definitely angry.

Alex sighed and looked down at the paperwork she was supposed to be working on. She hadn't talked to Annie in a long time. Maybe she should call her and ask what was going on. They hadn't been to the gym in over a month; she could use that as an excuse to call her. Annie didn't talk about her relationship with Bobby, not with his partner. But if she knew how concerned Alex was, maybe she would open up. She nodded her head, her mind made up. She would call Annie.

Bobby saw Annie's name on his cell phone and resisted the urge to swear. It had been two weeks since the children came home from Connecticut and Annie had called him at least once a day, often more. Some of her reasons were valid, most were just veiled excuses to talk to him. Frequently the calls ended with Annie crying and begging him to come home.

Then there was the strange matter of his robe. He knew the robe had been hanging on the bathroom door the last time he saw it, but it wasn't there now. It was nowhere to be found. When he asked Annie, she was flustered…and she lied to him. He could see she was lying. He could see that she knew he knew she was lying. But she stuck with it, insisting she hadn't seen the robe. Normally a missing bathrobe would be nothing more than a minor irritation and he would simply go buy another one. But Annie's reaction to even a mention of the robe was puzzling. Had she destroyed it in a fit of rage? Whatever happened, this was one subject she was not opening up about.

He picked up the phone and walked to an interview room, closing the door as he answered.

"Annie…"

"Bobby….I was just wondering…umm…."

"What do you need, Annie?" He didn't bother to try to hide his irritation.

She took a deep breath and said in a rush, "I just wanted to know when you want to take me for target practice."

He was silent for a moment, rubbing his hand across the back of his neck.

"Target practice?"

"Well….yes. We….we haven't gone this month."

"You hate target practice," he pointed out.

"Yes I hate it. But that has never stopped you from insisting I go. I just thought….."

"There aren't any guns in the house, Annie. You don't need to practice."

"But when you come home, the guns are coming with you, aren't they?"

He sighed in frustration. "Look, Annie…."

"You _are_ coming home, right? You said this is temporary, you said you just need some space…."

"Which _you_ aren't giving me. You call me every day. We probably talk more now than when I was living there."

"You are the one who keeps saying we have to work things out before you'll come home! How are we supposed to work anything out if you won't even talk to me?"

"This isn't talking…this is fighting. The same thing we've been doing for months. Annie….I need…."

"What do you need, Bobby?" She was crying now…..again. "Do you need me to shut up and leave you alone?"

He sighed and pulled out a chair to sit down. He braced his elbow on the table and rested his head on his hand. He was weary….weary of this dance he and Annie did over and over.

"I'm sorry…." she began.

"Annie," he said softly. "Do you really want to practice with the gun?"

"No," she said, still crying. "I just…..I want……"

"I know, Babe, I know."

She took a deep breath, trying to staunch the flow of tears. "I…uh….I'll let you go. I'm sorry I interrupted you. You're….picking the kids up Friday?"

"Yeah….I'll pick them up Friday."

"OK. Goodbye Bobby."

He sat at the table for a moment after ending the call. Then, rubbing his eyes, he stood up and went back to his desk…to his job.

Annie was trying to read a book, but failing miserably, when the phone rang. She gratefully answered it. "Hello?"

"Annie? It's Alex."

"Oh…Alex….hi."

"Hi. Look, I was wondering if we could make a gym date. We haven't gotten together in quite a while. And….you haven't seen my new house yet."

"Alex…." Annie hesitated. "Alex, I really appreciate this. But…I think it would be best if….we….if we don't get together for now. It will complicate things."

"Complicate things? Why?"

Annie sighed. "You know that I've always said that your partnership with Bobby is more important than your friendship with me."

"Yeah…I know. But how is going to the gym with you going to be a bad thing?"

"I just think that….while Bobby and I are separated, it would be better if….well….."

"Separated?!" Alex's voice was incredulous. "What are you talking about? You and Bobby are separated?"

There was stunned silence for a moment. "Alex…..I thought you knew….Bobby didn't tell you?"

"No! He never said a thing. When?"

"Last month, when the kids went to Connecticut. Bobby moved into an apartment."

"Last month?!" Bobby had been coming to work every day and hadn't said anything.

"I'm…I'm sorry, Alex. I just assumed he told you."

"Well, that would be a logical assumption. I can't believe he didn't."

"Maybe….he thought…." Annie sighed. "I just don't know what he thinks anymore, Alex. This…separation….is only temporary. We are going to see a counselor and work this out. But in the meantime, I just thought it would be better if your partnership with Bobby doesn't get….confusing. You know?"

"I know….I'm really sorry, Annie. I hope you guys work things out soon. Let me know if you need anything, OK?"

"OK….thank you Alex."

When Bobby got to work the next morning, his partner was already there. That was unusual; he was always the first one in. But it was obvious that she was waiting for him. As soon as he stepped off the elevator she stood up, arms crossed over her chest. When he got close to their desks she gave a terse order.

"Interview room, Goren. Now."

He followed her into the interview room. As soon as he closed the door, she turned to him and said in a furious tone, "I thought we were more than partners, Goren. I thought we were friends."

"Uh…Eames…."

He realized that she must have talked to Annie. Of course….he was foolish to have put off telling her for so long. He knew that sooner or later she would talk to Annie.

"Eames…I'm sorry."

"You move out of your house, you separate from your wife….and you don't tell me for almost a month?! What is that about, Bobby?"

He covered his mouth with his hand for a moment and sighed.

"It was stupid. I know I should have told you. Every day that first week, I came to work thinking I was going to tell you. And then….I just….I don't know. You and Annie are friends and I…."

"I know," Alex said, sitting down across from him. "That's why I called her last night…to make a gym date. But she doesn't want to get together right now." Bobby looked at her curiously. "She says it's more important for me to be your partner than to be her friend."

"God, I've screwed this up," Bobby said.

"Annie says this is temporary?"

"Yeah…I just…I don't know what we need to do before I can go back."

"Well…are you guys getting counseling?"

"Annie got the names of some counselors; she made an appointment for us next week."

"How are the kids taking it?"

"They're….sad. Upset. You know…" He hesitated and looked at her. "How….how did Annie seem when you talked to her?"

"I don't know…stoic?"

Bobby nodded. They sat in silence for a moment but turned when they heard tapping on the door. Captain Ross opened the door and leaned in.

"Detectives…am I interrupting?"

"Uh….no, Captain, not at all," Alex said quickly. "Do you have a call for us?"

"Yeah…Heidi Coninigton was found dead in her apartment this morning."

"Conington…." Bobby asked.

"Right….Ambassador Conington's daughter. I want you two to take it."

"Yes, Captain," Bobby and Alex said simultaneously.

They got up and followed him from the room. Captain Ross gave them the address and the few facts he had. Bobby picked up his leather notebook and followed his partner to the elevators.

**End Chapter 2**

13


	3. Chapter 3

**DECONSTRUCTION**

_This chapter is set during Blind Spot and I've borrowed heavily from the episode itself. Special thanks and kudos to Warren Leight and Charlie Rubin for writing such an extraordinary teleplay. This episode marked Goren's beginning descent into "deconstruction"….and it gave Eames a chance to shine. And shine she did. I can't tell you how much I LOVE it that Eames saved herself! This is a long one…even for me, the Queen of Long Chapters. _

_Thank you to Judyg for beta'ing. And letting me bounce ideas off of her! _

**CHAPTER 3**

"_We always make it right," Enrique says. He had a volatile relationship with Heidi Conington, but they "always made it right". Annie and I used to "always make it right." Have we reached the point that things can't be made right anymore? _

"_It can be scary, you know, when someone goes away," I tell him. "Especially someone you love so much." Again, I think of Annie the day I left. She calls every day now…because she is scared. Scared that I won't come home. Scared that we can't "make it right." _

_I finish the interview with Enrique…I don't think he is our killer……and join Eames and Ross. The captain compliments me on the interview…why do I doubt his sincerity? I know he is wary of me, of my "reputation". Then he gives a cryptic message to Eames. After he leaves she tells me with a smile that she is supposed to keep an eye on me. I tell her to let me know if I can help. And I smile. It feels like an eternity since I smiled, since I found anything humorous. _

_Eames and I go to the M.E.'s office to get Rodger's report. This murder…it seems so familiar. The binding, the jagged cuts to the body, the penetration. It brings Declan to mind…I haven't thought of him in a long time. But this case is reminiscent of "Sebastian"…the case that many say destroyed Declan Gage. _

_One thing I'm sure of….this killer isn't finished. And I am right. We are called out that night to another crime scene, another murdered woman. Whether it really is "Sebastian" or a copycat…this is just beginning. _

* * *

Alex rolled her eyes as inconspicuously as she could. Standing between Bobby and Captain Ross, she had the feeling that this was going to be her place from now on…between her partner and her captain. A buffer and a referee. Captain Ross had pointed out that she was the senior partner and it almost took her by surprise. It was true, of course. But she and Bobby worked so much as a team, that 'senior partner' rarely crossed her mind.

Now, as Ross exerted his authority and Bobby defended Declan Gage, Alex stepped in to smooth things over. They were done with Jo's interview, she pointed out. Declan could take his daughter and leave. And she and Bobby could get back to investigating the crime. Bobby accepted it and Ross seemed somewhat mollified.

Alex was concerned about her partner. Since his separation from his wife, it was obvious that he wasn't sleeping much…or well. His normally immaculate appearance was slipping. It appeared his shaving was haphazard at best, with seemingly permanent stubble on his face. She noticed that today he had dispensed with the tie and tie clip that he always wore. The top buttons on his shirt were open. She was sure that the new captain was less than impressed with his appearance.

Later, in the video store, Bobby got a message. Declan wanted to meet with him. Alex was sure it wasn't to go over old times….Gage was hoping Bobby would share details about the crime. She sighed and barely managed to stop herself from rolling her eyes. She told Bobby to keep it short, thinking how much she hoped Ross didn't hear about this.

* * *

Annie had just put a load of laundry in to wash when the doorbell rang. Sandy began barking immediately, dancing around Annie's feet as she made her way to the front door.

"Sandy, down!" she scolded and Sandy immediately looked chastened. Annie sighed and reached down to scratch the dog's ears. She was irritable lately, snapping at the children, at the dog, at anyone and everyone it seemed. Opening the door she was unprepared for who she found standing there.

"Hello Annie."

Her blond hair was shorter and she wasn't the awkward teenage girl that Annie remembered.

"Jo Gage! Oh my goodness…it's been so long! Come in, come in!"

Annie hugged the young woman, then led her into the living room.

"Sit down, please. Jo….how are you?!"

"Well…." Jo smiled sadly. "Actually….the reason I wanted to see you is that I just saw Bobby today and I got to thinking about you and wondered how you are….and your kids."

"You saw Bobby today? Where?" Annie wondered if he had mentioned that they were separated.

"At One Police Plaza….I, uh…was identifying my roommate….."

"Identifying your roommate? What happened?"

"She was uh….murdered. And Bobby is on the case."

"Oh Honey! I'm so sorry! How awful for you….." Annie reached over and squeezed Jo's hands.

"It _is_ awful….I just saw Jenna last night before she went to the movies. And suddenly….she's gone."

"Jenna?" Annie frowned, remembering the news report she had seen earlier in the day. "You mean Jenna…..Shea? Was that her name? I saw that on the news….she was your roommate?"

Jo nodded. "Yes, and my dad thinks it's 'Sebastian'."

"Your dad….Declan is here?"

"Yes, he was in town for a conference. He picked me up at the station….he insisted that I stay at his club." She smiled. "He's worried about me, you know?"

Annie thought that it was wishful thinking on Jo's part, based on the way Declan had ignored his daughter in the past….but she didn't say that out loud.

"Well," she said, "if there's anything I can do, please let me know. This must just be so terrible for you."

Jo sighed and said, "I'll get through it. And I know that Bobby will find the monster who did this. But now I want to talk about something happier. You're still a nurse? What about the kids…the twins were babies the last time I saw them."

Annie nodded and reached for the photo album sitting on the coffee table. "Yes, I'm still a nurse, still at the same hospital." She opened the album and pointed out pictures of the children. "Ally just turned thirteen, and the twins will be ten in a couple of months. I wish they were here…they're at a church day camp today. I would love for you to see them."

Jo was quiet as she looked at the pictures of the children at various ages, family pictures taken over the years, pictures that Bobby had taken of Annie and the children. She ran her finger over the pictures of Annie with the children.

"They're beautiful, Annie. You have such a beautiful family."

"Thank you….I think they are pretty special myself."

Annie asked Jo about her work, her life….but it seemed that Jo was suddenly ready to leave and she answered the questions absently. She finally told Annie that she needed to get back to her father's club so he wouldn't worry. Annie walked her to the door and Jo suddenly turned and hugged her fiercely.

"I know that you saw how lonely I was when I was a teenager, Annie….and I know you tried to be my friend. I want you to know how much I appreciate it. And how lucky I think your kids are to have you as a mother."

"Oh, Jo…." Annie's eyes misted as she hugged the young woman back. "I wish I could have done more for you. Thank you for coming by….let's keep in touch, OK? You'll come for dinner sometime and get to know the kids."

Jo let go of Annie and stepped outside. She nodded her head and said, "OK…we'll keep in touch. I would like that."

Annie watched her drive away and then turned to go back inside.

"C'mon, Sandy," she said. "Let's finish the laundry."

* * *

"You go ahead; I've got my second wind."

Alex glanced at Bobby and considered saying something, but decided against it. What could she say? It was two in the morning and he wanted to stay and watch security videos….because he wasn't going home to his family. Sitting up all night in this tiny room staring at videos was probably going to be about as restful as going to that hole of an apartment. Alex got up and went to her desk to get her things. As she headed for the elevators, she looked at him sitting in the dark, staring up at the bank of screens.

Driving home, she thought about Bobby and Annie….hoping that they would be able to work things out. She thought about Tom sleeping at the station house tonight…this case was shaping up to be a difficult one and she wondered how long before she could spend time with him. She thought about her nephew….sleeping peacefully…she needed to call Liz and let her know that most likely she was not going to be free to babysit this weekend. She thought about the security system for her new house that her father had been nagging her about….it would have to be put off a bit longer now since she would have no free time until this case was solved.

As she pulled up in front of her house, she sighed. Sleep…she just needed a few hours of sleep. Then she would pick up coffee for herself and Bobby on the way back into work and they would brainstorm….and maybe break this case.

* * *

What was her first sensation? The unbearable pain of her shoulders, arms, wrists being stretched and bearing all her weight? The burning of her sweat trickling into the open, bleeding wounds on her wrists, and constant chafing of the duct tape around them? The numbness of her arms being held over her head for….who knew how long? The blackness and realization that she was blindfolded and gagged? The disorienting feeling of being suspended in space, swaying slightly?

No….her first sensation was screaming. She heard it before she was even fully awake. As she struggled to consciousness it even occurred to her that it might be her own screams. But no, it wasn't her. She was gagged and silent. The screams were coming from nearby….difficult to pinpoint because her body kept turning, changing positions. Now the screams were to her right, now they were behind her. But they continued unremittingly throughout the night.

Alex had seen the first two victims and her mind supplied visions of what was happening to the woman. It also supplied visions of what would happen to her once he was finished with the other one. He…Sebastian? A copycat? Suddenly it didn't matter which. Whoever he was, he was here.

* * *

"OK," Captain Ross said, handing his cell phone to Bobby. "Declan. For now."

Before turning away to make the call, Bobby said, "Captain…my family…."

"I'll have Logan coordinate picking them up," Ross told him.

"Thank you, Captain," he said as he dialed. "Dec? I need to see you…."

* * *

Annie was assisting an intern with suturing the laceration a teenage boy acquired on his arm while skateboarding when one of the orderlies stuck his head in the door and told her that someone was asking for her. The intern assured her that he could finish on his own and she went out to the reception desk to find Mike Logan standing there.

"Mike! What are you doing here?"

"Annie, I need to talk to you….in private."

Her eyes widened and her hand went to her throat.

"Bobby? Has something……"

"Bobby's fine," Mike told her quickly. "Please….I need to speak to you in private. Now."

Trembling, she led him to an empty exam room. She turned to him, frightened despite his assurances.

"Wh…what is it, Mike? You're scaring me."

"I'm sorry, Annie, but this _is_ serious. It's Eames…she's been kidnapped."

"What?! Oh my God…." Annie sank onto the stool. "When….how?"

"It looks like she was taken at her house, sometime late last night. Look, I know this is shocking, but I'm not just here to relay information to you." She looked at him and he continued. "We have reason to believe that Eames' kidnapping is related to a case they are working on…a serial killer." Annie gasped, but Mike went on. "Everyone is out trying to find Eames….and the captain wants me to take you and your kids someplace safe."

"S…someplace safe? Why? And where?"

"We think this may be directed at Bobby and at Declan Gage….either a killer Gage has chased before, or a copycat. Either way, it looks like the killer took Eames to taunt them. And we want to make sure you and the kids are safe."

"The kids!" Annie stood up suddenly, panicked. Mike went to her and put a hand on her arm.

"Bobby told us the kids are at the church and I've got a squad car there now. I just need you to call the church so that they know you know we are picking them up."

"They'll be scared….I…need….I can't think, Mike!"

Mike put his hands on her shoulders and looked at her intently. "Your kids are OK, Annie. And we'll make sure they stay that way. Let us do our job…you just do what I tell you, OK?" She nodded mutely, eyes wide. "OK…now. You are going to call the church and tell them that the kids are leaving with the officers. Then you're going to tell your boss that you're leaving. And then…you go with me. Are you alright?"

She nodded again and pulled her cell phone out of her pocket.

* * *

"The old days are over, Declan, they're over!"

Bobby sank into a chair and put his head in his hands. Eames….where was she? Was he too late; was she dead already, tortured like the other women? "Get into his head," Declan had said. "Become him." How could Bobby get into anyone's head when he was so exhausted he couldn't even get inside his own head?

There had been an underlying sensation of nausea since he received the text message from Eames' cell: _I've been with your partner. All night. We're having a great time. Sebastian. _It had grown steadily worse as the day wore on and events spiraled out of control: Declan's nonchalant discussion of using his own daughter as bait to lure Sebastian, the discovery of Eames' cell phone in Declan's bag, the inconceivable realization that Declan might have kidnapped Eames, finding Amanda's body in the trunk of Eames' car.

Annie….she and the kids were somewhere safe with Logan. Bobby longed to talk to her, hear her voice, reassure her, be reassured by her.

"You're losing it, Bobby," Declan told him. And he felt like he was losing it. Where was Eames?

"Goren," Riche's voice pulled him from his reverie. He got up and followed him out to his desk, where Ross was waiting.

"SID called," Ross told him. "There have been some calls to Eames' cell phone. The display says 'Tom'. Do you know who that is?"

"Damn….Tom," Bobby murmured. He hadn't even thought of calling Tom, or Eames' family. "Tom is Eames' boyfriend," he told the captain.

"We…uh…should notify Eames' next of kin before the press gets wind of this," Ross said. "I'll call her parents….do you want to take care of calling….Tom?"

Bobby closed his eyes for a moment and then nodded. He sat down in the chair at his desk and found Tom's cell phone number. Riche and the captain moved away as he dialed.

"Hello?"

"Tom…it's Bobby Goren. I need to talk to you….."

* * *

Silence. There was no sound, except the squeak of the pulley that she was suspended from. The screaming ended hours ago. Or days. She had lost all sense of time. She had heard _him_ moving around, moving something….the body? Then she heard a cell phone ringing…hers? Or was it _his_? She felt an irrational urge to laugh at the thought of _his_ wife calling to ask _him_ to pick up the dry cleaning on the way home. She felt _him_ standing next to her and thought she might throw up. Then _he_ pulled her gag down, freeing her mouth. She gasped as she felt cold metal against her face….the edge of pinking shears….the same ones _he_ had used to torture that poor woman all night? The same ones _he_ used to torture Heidi Conington and Jenna Shea? The same ones _he_ was going to use to torture her?

But the cutting, the stabbing, that she expected didn't come. _He_ stepped away from her. She heard more sounds that she couldn't identify. And then…..silence. She was alone, she thought….she hoped. She didn't know how long she had hung there, straining to hear something, anything. Was _he _there? Had _he_ left?

Finally, terror nearly choking her, she rubbed the blindfold against her arms, pushing it down until she could see. Her vision blurry from so many hours of darkness, she looked around. Stone walls….some kind of basement? As her body slowly turned in a circle, her glance fell on a wooden bench…a bloody wooden bench. She looked away. There was no one here, she was alone. Looking up, she saw her bound wrists suspended from a large hook, attached to a pulley in the ceiling. If she could turn, maybe that hook would unscrew?

Trying to get momentum, she twisted her body until it swung in a circle…and again. Slowly the hook began to unscrew itself until she was able to stretch out and touch the floor with her toes. This gave her more leverage and she continued turning herself until the hook suddenly came loose and she fell to the floor, the hook dropping next to her.

Using her teeth to rip the duct tape binding her wrists, Alex stood up and began looking for a way out. Where was _he_? Disposing of the other woman's body, most likely. Which meant _he_ would be returning sooner or later…to finish with her. She didn't know how much time she had….hours? Minutes? She had to find a way out, quickly. Picking up the hook, Alex began her search.

* * *

"I'm sorry," Bobby said, sitting by Alex's bed in the hospital.

She didn't answer, just gave him that 'what are you talking about' look. He asked her if she had heard the man's voice and she didn't answer, the drugs were taking effect. But he could see her frowning, trying to concentrate, trying to remember if she had heard _him._ Her eyes closed and she drifted to sleep. From the hallway, Bobby heard the officer guarding Eames speaking….and he heard Tom's frantic voice.

"I'm sorry sir, no one is allowed in there."

"The hell I'm not allowed in there! That's my girlfriend….."

"Sir…step back or I will arrest you."

"It's OK," Bobby said, coming into the hallway. "I know him, Officer….you can let him in."

Tom shot Bobby a grateful look as the officer stepped aside and let him rush past. Bobby followed him to Alex's bedside.

"Alex? Baby….." Tom's voice broke and he leaned down to wrap her in his arms. Alex mumbled but didn't awaken.

"She's going to be OK, Tom," Bobby said softly.

Tom gently laid her back on the bed and slid into the seat Bobby had just vacated. He held her hand in both of his and took a deep, shaky breath.

"Her….uh…her family is on their way," he said softly to Bobby. He looked up at the doctor, who had stopped by to check in on Alex, his eyes bright with unshed tears. "C…can I stay with her?" The doctor glanced at Bobby and then back to Tom. Nodding her head, she turned and left.

"I…uh…I have to go," Bobby told Tom. "I'll check back in on her when she's awake."

As he began to walk away, Tom's voice caused him to stop and look back.

"You'll get this son of a bitch…right, Bobby?"

Bobby held the other man's gaze for a moment, his mind going back five years to the day Annie was attacked, remembering how it felt to see the woman he loved injured, lying helpless…remembering the rage he felt towards the man who had hurt her. Nodding his head curtly, he turned and walked away.

* * *

Annie couldn't remember feeling so helpless…or useless. She and the children had been cooped up in this motel room all day. Mike Logan was in the room with them and there was a uniformed officer outside. The department had sent food, books, magazines….there was cable on the TV. The children had been very good….they kept busy watching TV or reading. She and Mike didn't tell them about Aunt Alex, only that Dad was after a bad person and he wanted Mike to stay with them until he had been caught. She could see that Ally knew there was more to it than that…after all, Dad was always chasing bad guys. But she didn't ask any questions. Mike had scrounged up a puzzle and was working on it with Andrew.

Annie had been praying since Mike showed up in the ER that morning. She tried to remind herself that prayer was not helpless or useless…it was the most important thing she could do. But still she ached to be doing…._something._ She pulled a chair up to the table where Mike and Andrew were working on the puzzle. If she couldn't help Alex, at least she could talk to Mike.

"I haven't had a chance to talk to you since you and Sarah got back together," she said. "I…I'm happy for you both."

"Thanks, Annie. And I'm sorry about you and….." He stopped and glanced at Andrew, who was watching them both solemnly. "We…uh…Sarah and I…we're really happy."

Annie smiled at him. "So you've met our little Jia Li….what do you think?"

Mike grinned at her. "I've never been around kids much…are they all as amazing as that little girl? She's so…smart. Every time I'm around her, she says something that just blows me away. And I know that she's adopted and all…but I could swear she's just like her mother. Sometimes she gets this expression on her face that looks so much like Sarah…it takes my breath away."

Before Annie could answer, Mike's cell phone rang.

"Logan," he answered. "Yeah, Captain….." He heaved a sigh and mouthed _they found her_ to Annie.

Annie covered her face with her hands and let the tears come as Mike continued to talk to the captain. She heard her own cell phone ringing and jumped up and grabbed it off the bedside table. _Bobby_

"Babe…" she said, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Is Alex OK? Where is she?"

"She's going to be fine, Babe." She could hear the fatigue in his deep voice. "She's in the hospital….dehydrated, some cuts and bruises….but she's going to be fine. Tom's with her and her family."

"Thank God," Annie breathed. "Does this mean we can go home? Can I see her?"

"Not yet," he said. "Whoever did this is still out there. But I hope it'll be over soon."

"Where are you?"

"I came ho….to my apartment to shower, shave, change. I think the captain did the same. I'm meeting up with him back at One PP so we can go to the crime….to where Eames was held. Try to find….."

"Is that Daddy?" Ally asked. "Can I talk to him?"

"The kids want to talk to you, Bobby." Annie paused, blinked back tears. "If you see Alex before I do….give her my love, OK?"

She handed the phone to Ally; Phillip and Andrew crowded around her. Annie walked over to where Mike was finishing up his conversation with Captain Ross. They smiled at one another and hugged.

* * *

It was after visiting hours when Bobby arrived at the hospital. He used his badge to get in….although, of course, he was not there on official police business. Alex was alone in her room. He thought she was asleep, but when he moved to sit down in the chair next to her bed, she opened her eyes.

"Hey," he said softly. "Where is everyone? I thought I would have to wade through a sea of your family….and Tom….just to see you."

She smiled wanly. "Yeah, they were here all day. My mother and sister were about to start a revolt when the nurses told them visiting hours were over and they would have to leave. But I convinced them that I would rest better if they all went home. Tom's coming back, though. My mom and dad took him to get some dinner. Against his will…but I insisted."

Bobby nodded and smiled. "So…when will you be released?"

"Tomorrow….they just wanted to keep me overnight for observation."

"And…." He hesitated. "Where will you go when you go when you leave here?"

Alex sighed and closed her eyes. "To Tom's…for now. I don't know about going back….I don't know what I'm going to do." Bobby was silent. Finally she opened her eyes and said, "So….Jo Gage…."

Bobby nodded. "Yeah…Jo. I'm sorry Eames....."

"Stop apologizing Goren," Alex said sternly. "I may not have been able to identify the person who took me…but I know for a fact that it wasn't you down in that hole with me. Jo Gage is the only one who is responsible for what Jo Gage did….well, maybe her father shares a little of the blame."

"Declan feels awful about this, Eames….he had no idea…."

Alex held her hand up. "Save it. I know he's your mentor and your friend and all that, but…..just….let's talk about something else." Bobby nodded silently. "How are Annie and the kids," Alex asked.

They talked about inconsequential things until Tom returned. As Bobby was leaving Alex told him, "You look exhausted, Goren…go home and get some rest."

He told her he would. But when he left the hospital, he suddenly couldn't face his apartment. Not yet.

* * *

Annie was sitting up in bed, reading. Despite being cooped up inside all day, once they got home and had dinner, and once she forced the children all to go to bed…they had all fallen asleep fairly quickly. But she was still wound up and hoped reading would help her to relax. It was after ten when her cell phone rang. _Bobby_

"Bobby? Is everything OK?" She hadn't really expected to hear from him tonight. She knew he must be upset to know Declan's daughter had committed these murders and kidnapped Alex. Since he rarely talked to her about his feelings anymore, especially since he moved out, she thought he would nurse his wounds himself.

"Yeah," came his quiet reply. "I just….I wanted to….I'm outside, Annie. Can I come in? I….need….I want to see the kids. I won't wake them up….."

"Of course you can come in, Bobby…it's still your house," she said softly.

She got out of bed and waited in the doorway of the bedroom as he let himself in through the front door. He came up the stairs, with Sandy following close behind him, wagging her tail happily at his arrival. He didn't speak as he went past her to first Ally's room and then the twins. He was in each room for a few minutes, and then he came back to where she stood.

"Bobby," she said softly, reaching out to stroke his cheek. "You are dead on your feet…you need to lie down and sleep before you fall over."

"I'm going ho…back to my apartment now," he told her.

She shook her head and took his hand, pulling him into the bedroom.

"Driving while you're sleepy is just as dangerous as driving while you're drunk," she said firmly. "Just lie down here and get some rest. I promise not to molest you," she said with a smile.

She climbed back into bed and patted the pillow next to her. Bobby stood uncertainly for a moment and then sighed and took off his jacket. He draped it on the loveseat, toed off his shoes, and laid down next to Annie. He settled in with his back to her and she scooted against him, wrapping her arm over him. Bobby laced his fingers through hers and pulled her hand against his chest.

Annie kissed his ear and whispered, "Just relax, Babe. Go to sleep."

She thought he had fallen asleep, but after a few minutes he said in a tortured whisper, "I couldn't find her. I thought she was…." His voice cracked and he couldn't go on.

"She's fine…you told me that yourself…she's fine."

"She saved herself, you know? Tiny Eames, hanging from her wrists for hours…and she managed to get loose, to get help."

"Alex is tough," Annie agreed.

"It's my fault," he whispered. "I should have known…I saw how Jo grew up. I should have known…."

"Shhh…" Annie held him tighter, kissed his neck.

She felt him relax against her, felt much-needed sleep overtake him. She wanted more than anything to kiss him, make love to him. But she hadn't had her six-month HIV test. And right now he needed sleep much more than he needed sex.

When Mike told her that it was Jo Gage who had kidnapped Alex and murdered the three women, she almost told him about Jo's visit the day before. But she thought it probably wasn't relevant to the case, so she waited until she could tell Bobby. But not tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Right now he just needed to sleep and forget about Jo and Declan Gage. Annie closed her eyes, her cheek against his back, and fell asleep reveling in the feel of him there in her bed again.

* * *

Bobby looked across his desk at Eames' empty chair. She hadn't been cleared to come back to work yet and Ross was keeping him at his desk with a myriad of paperwork. Tomorrow he would leave work early. It was the first appointment with the marriage counselor. He wasn't sure what to expect, but he hoped this helped…and quickly. He missed being home…he missed his kids…he missed Annie.

He had woken up very early the morning after he spent the night with her. She was sound asleep as he crawled from the bed and put his shoes on. He stood for a moment, watching her sleep, before picking up his jacket and leaving. Neither of them had mentioned it since that night.

His phone rang and he answered to find his mother's psychiatrist on the other end.

"Mr. Goren," he said. "Some routine tests that we ran on your mother came back with questionable results. I'd like to send her to the hospital for more tests and I think it would be best if you could be here. She would probably be more comfortable if you could be there with her."

"Uh…OK," Bobby said, pulling his calendar towards him. "When do you want to do the tests?"

"Tomorrow," the doctor said. Bobby frowned at the suddenness and the speed with which this was happening. "And I've referred her to Dr. Syleste. He's an oncologist."

**End Chapter 3**

17


	4. Chapter 4

**DECONSTRUCTION**

_This chapter touches on Tru Love and Siren Call. I'm afraid that long chapters seem to be in the cards for this story. So much going on in my head that I need to get into the computer! _

_Thank you again to Judyg for beta'ing and letting me obsess over details and plot devices. _

**CHAPTER 4**

_Lymphoma. The word sits in my head like a bomb, ready to explode. Dr. Syleste was professional and detached as he gave the diagnosis. "Mr. Goren, your mother has lymphoma and I'm afraid it's advanced." He went on to outline her "options". Strange that he addressed his words to me when my mother was sitting right there. I am her conservator and have to approve any decisions…but she is the patient. I know that Dr. Syleste is uncomfortable with her because of her schizophrenia. I watch his body language carefully, wanting assurance that his recommendations are based on her medical condition only and not on her mental health._

_I glanced at my mother as Dr. Syleste talked. She was quiet, asking very few questions. I worry what her reaction will be later, after she has time to digest the information. I have tried to find Frank; we haven't seen him in months. I leave messages, but he doesn't call me back. _

_I had to cancel the appointment with Annie and the marriage counselor to be with Mom when she had the tests. I had to cancel again to meet with Dr. Syleste for the results of the tests. After the third cancelled appointment, Annie told me to let her know what would be "convenient" for me. I feel the anger radiating from her every time we speak on the phone or when I pick up the kids._

_I need to tell her about Mom's diagnosis. I will tell her. But not today. I haven't said the words out loud, not even to Mom. Soon. I will tell Annie soon._

* * *

Mike sat on a blanket, watching Sarah push Jia Li on the swing. The little girl's high pitched squeals drifted across to him. He smiled at Jia Li's pleas for her mother to push her higher. Mike Logan on a picnic in the park with a five year old girl. _Lennie woulda loved this,_ he thought.

He watched Jia Li jump off the swing and run to the slide. Sarah left her to play and walked to where Mike was sitting with the remnants of their lunch. She smiled and brushed his lips with hers as she sat down. He sighed and lay back with his head on Sarah's lap. Sarah's fingers idly played with his hair as they watched Jia Li in silence.

"When do I get to meet your new partner?" Sarah asked.

Mike shrugged. "I don't know….we'll do lunch maybe one day. Is there any hurry?"

"No hurry, really. It's just that Annie told me she has always made it a point to get to know Bobby's partners….be friends with them. She says it's important for them to remember that he has a family waiting at home for him."

Mike smiled and pulled her hand to his lips. Family. Not a word he thought would ever apply to him.

"I don't think Wheeler needs any incentive to have my back. She's got this strong sense of duty thing going on." He chuckled. "I told the captain I've never had a partner with freckles before. I don't think I've ever met a cop who looks less like a cop."

"But you said she's good?"

"Yeah…she's got good instincts and she knows her stuff. This case…I think we clicked and really got a good read on each other."

"Good," Sarah said. "And now I need to meet her."

"Yes Ma'am," Mike said with a smile. They continued watching Jia Li as she played. "The captain said he could tell I don't have kids. Parents must have some kind of radar when it comes to picking out other parents."

Sarah laughed. "We just recognize each other by the bewildered, sleep deprived looks on our faces." Mike laughed with her and she added, "So why did the captain deduce that you have no children?"

"Oh you know…this case….sixteen year old boy having an affair with his teacher. I said I could see why he would want to and Ross told me if a teacher ever touched one of his kids, he'd take him or her apart. I get that he feels that way as a parent, but what about when he was sixteen?"

Sarah's fingers in his hair stilled and she was silent for a moment before asking quietly, "So you think it's alright for a teacher to sleep with a student?"

"No, of course not….but having a crush on a teacher isn't exactly a new phenomenon. I mean kids from kindergarten on up think they 'love' their pretty teacher."

"You aren't talking about a five year old with a crush on a teacher!"

The anger in her voice caused Mike to sit up and look at her. "No, I'm talking about a sixteen year old boy with a young, hot teacher. I doubt that he's the only kid in that school that fantasized about her. He's just the one who had an affair with her."

"He didn't have an 'affair' with her," Sarah said heatedly. "He's a child; she's an adult…that's called molestation."

"Hey," he said softly, "what are you so upset about? The kid will serve time for killing his father. The teacher will serve time for having sex with a minor."

"I'm upset to hear a cop talking about a child being molested by a teacher as though it's nothing more than a normal high-school prank."

"I never said that." Mike didn't understand how a quiet day at the park had turned into a heated argument so quickly. "But a teenage boy is all hormones that are set off by any attractive female, no matter her age."

"Exactly! Teenagers are dealing with hormones and developing sexuality. And fantasizing about people they are attracted to is normal and natural. That's why teachers…adults….have to have firm boundaries. They are the ones who are responsible. Just because this boy was fantasizing about her didn't make it alright for her to take advantage of him." Mike was staring at her, trying to understand why she was angry. Sarah glared back at him. "I think your captain was right. You don't get this because you aren't a parent."

Before Mike could answer, Jia Li bounced onto the blanket. "'Tective Mike," she said excitedly, "I want to swing again. Will you push me? Please? Please, please, please?"

Sarah took a deep breath and looked away. Mike slowly stood up without taking his eyes off of her. Jia Li continued to dance around him, singing, "Please, please, please…."

Finally he took her hand and said, "OK, Jia Li….I'll push you."

Following her to the swings, he helped her get settled and then pushed the swing. He looked back at Sarah sitting on the blanket. He wasn't sure, but it looked like she was wiping away tears.

* * *

"This is Detective Robert Goren of the Major Case Squad. I am unable to take your call at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, and a brief message and I will return your call as soon as possible. If this is an emergency, please hang up and dial 911."

Annie sat cross-legged in the middle of her bed. Ending the call, she redialed Bobby's work number and listened to the message again. On her lap was the clear plastic bag with Bobby's bathrobe inside. She lifted the robe and buried her face against it, inhaling his scent. After a few minutes she sighed and put the robe back in the bag, zipping it closed. She carefully put the bag in her closet, hidden behind some boxes, and climbed back into bed.

She knew it was pathetic to hang onto his bathrobe because of his scent. She knew it was even more pathetic to call his work phone when she knew he wouldn't be there, just so she could hear his voice. But some nights, when she couldn't sleep, these remnants of his scent and his voice were the only things that helped her to relax enough to fall asleep. Tonight was one of those nights.

What would Bobby think if he knew she did this? Would he feel sorry for her? Would he be irritated, as he seemed to be every time she called him? Would he be angry that she had lied about the bathrobe?

Three times she had made appointments with the counselor. Three times Bobby had cancelled. The fear that had been sitting in the pit of her stomach since he left was now coupled with a slow burning anger. Had he ever really intended to try to save their marriage?

She pulled the sheet over her and snuggled into her pillow. Picking up the cell phone, she dialed the number for the Major Case Squad.

"This is Detective Robert Goren of the Major Case Squad………"

* * *

_How do I get out of here? Hurry. Where is the door? There isn't time. Screaming….a curtain being flung open….scissors against my face…..my heart beating so fast it feels like it will explode….Hurry….fingers clawing for a handhold on the wall…."Help me….NYPD…help me"…..a dog's tongue licking my fingers….Hurry…..Jo Gage's face….._

Alex sat up in bed with a gasp, sweat dotting her forehead.

"Alex?" Tom….

She was in Tom's house, in Tom's bed. Safe. Tom's arms were around her, his face against her hair, murmuring words she couldn't make out. She let him pull her back down onto the pillow, let him pull her against him, let him brush her hair from her face. She wrapped her arms around him, felt her racing heart slowing. Felt the comforting thud of Tom's heart against her cheek. No tears…she wouldn't cry. It was over, she was safe, Jo Gage was in jail. There was no need for tears.

* * *

The children wanted to go out to dinner for Bobby's birthday.

"A family dinner," said Ally.

"The whole family," said Phillip.

"All of us," said Andrew.

They went to Sal's and it turned out to be a pleasant evening. The three children were maybe just a bit too well-behaved, their laughter a little too forced, their glances at their parents a little too anxious. Annie and Bobby did their best to smile and engage the children in conversation. Annie noticed, however, that Bobby's smile didn't quite erase the sadness in his eyes.

He opened Annie's gift and they locked gazes. She had found a vinyl recording of Frank Sinatra that he didn't already own. The sadness in his brown eyes deepened, understanding her message. _Come home._ He had not taken his record player to his apartment; it still sat in the basement of their home. He couldn't listen to this record unless he came to the house. _Come home._

They had all gone together in the SUV and Bobby drove them home. He hugged and kissed the children, telling them again how much he loved their presents. There was an awkward moment as he thanked Annie for her gift. She thought he was about to hug her, but he suddenly said "Good night" and left.

She sent the kids up to get ready for bed and went to the kitchen door to let Sandy in. As she walked back towards the living room she turned to go check the thermostat because it seemed too warm in the house. But she stopped short as she suddenly felt like she had walked into an inferno. The heat seemed to begin inside her and blaze outward, causing first her face and neck to burn and then spread downward to the rest of her body. She felt her heart rate speed up alarmingly, and she tried to catch her breath. Nausea and dizziness swept over her and she was afraid for a moment that she would faint. The heat was overwhelming and she rushed to the thermostat…but it hadn't changed. Annie turned and ran back through the kitchen and jerked the door open, stepping outside. It was a warm summer night and the temperature didn't provide any relief from the intense heat that was enveloping her.

Sinking onto the swing on the patio, she closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on controlling her breathing and calming her racing heart. It seemed like an eternity, but she knew it was only a few minutes, before the heat began to dissipate, leaving her trembling and covered with perspiration. _What was THAT_, she wondered. If she didn't know better, she would think she had just had a…..hot flash. But that was impossible. Hot flashes were for women going through……

"Menopause?!" Annie stared at her gynecologist two days later. "That can't be! I'm only forty four!"

"Well," said Dr. Deed, "technically it would be considered perimenopause. It's not menopause until you have gone a year without menstruating."

"But….I….I'm…."

"Perimenopause can very well start in your forties. Are you having any other symptoms?"

"Symptoms?"

"Irregular periods, changes in your sleep patterns, vaginal dryness, changes in sexual desire, mood swings…."

"Mood swings?" Annie thought about the times she had lashed out at Bobby in anger, or burst into tears for no reason. "I…I guess I've had mood swings lately. My periods are regular….but now that you mention it, they have been shorter and lighter for a while. I don't always sleep very well lately…but I thought it was stress. And I haven't noticed….uh….any changes as far as sex is concerned."

"And now hot flashes?" Dr. Deed smiled at her encouragingly. "If the symptoms are too uncomfortable or are interfering with your daily routines, there is an option."

"Hormone replacement therapy?" Annie looked at her. "But I thought the study said…."

"Yes, a few years ago we were all shaken by the reports of increased risks for breast cancer, heart disease, and stroke. But they've looked at those studies more carefully and looked at the differences in the women in the study. What they have discovered is that those risks are greatest for older women and for long-term use. But for women in their fifties, and younger, who don't have any other risk factors, and who use the hormones short-term….two or three years, just to relieve the symptoms…the risks aren't any greater than for women who don't take them. We would do some tests to confirm that you don't have any underlying cardiac problems. And then start you on a low dose birth control pill."

Annie felt numb as she left the doctor's office with the prescription in her purse. Bobby. She wanted to talk to Bobby.

* * *

"What do you mean, you're working on a case?!"

"Just what I said," Alex said evenly.

"You haven't even finished your sessions with Dr. Olivet," Tom told her. "How can they let you back without her OK?"

Alex folded her arms across her chest. "I'll tell you what I told Olivet, what I told my partner, and what I told my captain: I'm not going to get better sitting around the house crying about what happened. I'm fine, Tom…I'm fine."

"Fine? Really? Did I just imagine all those times you've woken up in a cold sweat because of nightmares?"

"Right…because I was doing nothing but dwelling on what happened! I need to get back to work to…to…"

"To take your mind off of it? To try to pretend it never happened?"

"Do you think," Alex said furiously, "that anything can 'take my mind off of it?' Do you think there is a day that goes by, an hour that goes by, that I don't hear that woman screaming? That I don't feel the terror and helplessness of knowing I would be next? I can't even go back in my own damn house! I need this, Tom…I _need_ to get back to work."

Tom sighed and leaned against the wall, closing his eyes.

"I'm worried about you, Alex," he said softly.

Alex moved across the kitchen and slid her arms around his waist.

"I know you are, Tom. I know. But you have to trust me to know what's best for me."

Tom wrapped his arms around her and rubbed his cheek against the top of her head.

"OK, Alex, OK. Just promise me that….

"I will," she whispered and lifted her face to him.

* * *

Annie stared at the notation on the calendar. How could she have forgotten? She had an appointment the next day to go in and have her six month HIV test. She sighed as she got into the shower. Six months ago, everything had been different. Bobby had been home; he had seen her through the four weeks of HIV medications that left her kneeling over the toilet nearly every night; he had understood when she refused to have sex until she was sure she wasn't infected with HIV.

But now, not only was he not living at home, it seemed he couldn't stand to talk to her, let alone be in the same room. Their plans for marriage counseling were on hold….Annie wondered if that was permanent. When he came to the house to see the children, he made small talk but avoided any deeper discussions. She had tried to call him several times to talk about her last appointment with the gynecologist, but he always cut her off before she could bring it up. Should she call him and ask if he would go with her tomorrow? She didn't think she could stand the heartbreak if he told her no.

The twins were camping with the family of a school friend and Ally was spending a few days with one of her friends. Annie was glad school would be starting soon. Ally would be starting eighth grade…hard to believe that in a year she would be in high school.

Drying off, she pulled on a shirt and a pair of jeans, noticing that her cell phone had a voice mail message. She closed her eyes and sank onto the bed at the sound of the familiar voice.

"Hello Annie. So sorry to have missed you. But I heard a dreadful rumor that you and Bobby are separated. I wanted to call and tell you how awfully sorry I am. I can't imagine how terrible it must be for you. Of course, it couldn't have been too much of a surprise. Abandoning his family _is _in his DNA, after all. Oh dear….did Bobby leave for the same reasons his father left his mother? I do hope you aren't ill, darling….that would be so sad. Or….did he leave for another reason? There isn't…..another woman, is there? I do hope you two will be able to work things out. Well, I must go now, Annie. But you and Bobby will be in my thoughts."

Nicole seemed to have special radar that let her know the exact worst moment to taunt Annie. She needed to tell Bobby that Nicole had called. She stared at his name on her phone for a moment. Would he be annoyed that she was calling? Of course, he would want to know. Nicole was wanted….they would probably need her phone to try and track where the call came from. Maybe she should just go to One PP herself to tell him and give him the phone. And while she was there, she would ask him if he could take some time off to go with her when she had her test.

* * *

Bobby carried his cup of coffee to his desk. Eames had gone down to the morgue to check something with Rodgers. He looked up and was surprised to see Annie walking toward him from the elevator. He frowned, wondering why she would be there. She had been calling him frequently and he knew she was frustrated by his reluctance to talk. Did she think she had a better chance of cornering him if she came to where he worked? He stood as she approached his desk.

"What are you doing here, Annie?"

She faltered at the annoyed tone in his voice.

"I…I needed to tell you something," she said.

"And you had to come here?" He crossed his arms. "The constant calling isn't enough? Now you're going start dropping in on me at work?"

Annie stared at him for a moment, her blue eyes wide. He saw a flush creep over her face and she glanced past him to see if anyone was watching them. She was trembling as she pulled her cell phone out of her purse. He knew he had embarrassed her and regret washed over him.

"Annie…" he began, but she cut him off.

"I just thought you would want to hear the message I got this morning," she said, laying the phone on his desk. "I….I'm sorry I interrupted you at work." She turned and walked away quickly.

Bobby stepped around his desk to follow her, but the elevator was open and she slipped on and the doors closed. Sighing he turned and looked at her phone. He picked it up and pushed the button for her voice mail.

"Hello Annie. So sorry to have missed you……"

"Damn!" He listened to the message as he rushed to the elevator, hoping he could catch her before she left the building.

* * *

Annie blinked back tears as the elevator descended eleven floors. It had never seemed to move so slowly. She was already embarrassed; the last thing she needed now was to completely humiliate herself by bursting into tears in front of the NYPD. She tried to stop shaking, taking several deep breaths as she watched the lights blink as they passed each floor. The doors opened and it took all of her restraint to keep from bolting from the elevator and running through the doors. She still needed to turn in her visitors badge and retrieve her driver's license.

She stopped at the desk and handed over the badge and gave the officer her name. He turned and looked through the picture IDs behind the counter. The phone rang and he stopped to answer it. Annie tapped her foot nervously, silently willing the officer to hurry. Hanging up the phone, the officer asked her to repeat her name. He sorted through the IDs and was again interrupted, this time by another officer asking a question.

"Excuse me," Annie said finally. "I really need to leave. Would you please give me my license?"

The officer frowned at her and began looking again.

"I'm sorry Ma'am," he said. "I don't see it here."

"What do you mean, you don't see it?" Annie could hear the quaver in her voice. She was trembling and knew that she was going to burst into tears any second. She needed to get out…now.

"I'll look again," the officer said, looking at her curiously. "It will just take a minute."

Annie waited, gripping the counter to try to keep from yelling at him. He looked through the IDs again, glancing at her nervously. When he was interrupted once more, Annie couldn't take anymore. She knew she was about to lose it here in front of everyone. She had to get to the relative privacy of her car.

"You know what," she said sharply, "forget it! Just mail it to me when you find it. I have to go."

"Ma'am," the officer said suspiciously. "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?"

"I…I…just…I have to go," she said, her voice cracking. She moved away from the counter and turned to walk across the lobby.

The officer signaled another officer and Annie found herself flanked by two uniformed officers. "Ma'am," said one. "Will you step over here with us, please?"

Annie looked up at them incredulously. "I…I need to leave," she said.

One of the officers put his hand on her elbow and steered her towards a room to the left of the reception counter. Shaking, Annie pulled her arm away and turned back to the front door.

"I said I'm leaving," she said, tears beginning to fall.

"And I said we need to speak with you….Ma'am."

Each officer took hold of one of her arms and this time they propelled her across the lobby towards the room. Heads were turning, people looking curiously at her. She couldn't believe this was happening. Just as they reached the room, a deep voice halted them before they pushed her through the doorway.

"You want to tell me why you're manhandling my wife, officers?" Bobby pulled his badge off his jacket and handed it to the nearest officer. "Robert Goren. Major Case."

The officer handed Bobby's badge back to him as they let go of Annie's arms.

"Sorry, Detective. We were just going to ask her some questions. She seemed nervous and in a big hurry to leave." The officer looked at Bobby. "Security issues, you know?"

Bobby nodded and stepped past them to gently take Annie's arm and lead her towards the door. The officer laid Annie's driver's license on the counter.

"I found your license, Ma'am."

Bobby scooped it up as they passed. They didn't speak as they walked outside and through the parking garage to her SUV. As she pulled her keys from her purse, her hands were shaking so badly that she dropped them. Bobby bent down to pick them up and pushed the button to unlock the door. She reached for the handle but his hand was there first. He kept his hand on the handle and leaned his other hand against the hood, with Annie between him and the SUV.

"Annie," he said softly. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Don't," she whispered. "Please, please don't. J….just let me go." When he hesitated she repeated, "Please."

He stepped back and opened the door for her, handing her the keys and her license as she slid into the seat.

"We will have to keep your phone for a day or two so that we can try to track where Nicole called from."

Annie nodded but didn't look up at him, not trusting her voice. Before closing the door, Bobby leaned in and said, "I really am sorry….about everything."

Annie started the engine and Bobby closed her door. She didn't look at him as she backed out and drove away.

* * *

"Hello."

"Ally?"

"Hi Daddy!"

"Hi Sweetheart. Can I speak with your mother, please?"

"She's not here."

"Do you know when she'll be back?"

"No…she said she had a doctor's appointment….."

Bobby's mind wandered as Ally launched into a story about the friend she had just spent the night with. Why would Annie have a doctors' appointment? His eyes fell on the calendar on his desk and he idly looked at the date. Suddenly he sat up straight. It had been just over six months since Annie's needle stick. She must be going in for her HIV test today.

"Ally," he said. "I'm sorry, Sweetheart, but I've got to get off the phone. I'll call you later, OK?"

"OK Dad," she said.

Alex looked at him curiously as he hung up the phone. "I…I forgot an appointment," he told her. "I have to go."

Bobby stuck his head in the captain's office and told him something had come up at home that he needed to take care of. The captain just nodded. He hadn't said anything to Bobby about the scene with his wife the day before; he knew Ross must have heard about it and Bobby was grateful that he didn't make an issue.

He drove to the hospital and found the location of the doctor Annie had told him she saw after taking the tests six months earlier. He got in the elevator, hoping he wasn't too late.

* * *

Annie sat in the doctor's waiting room, trying without success to concentrate on the two year old magazine on her lap. She had stopped in the lab earlier to have her blood drawn. She was told that the Rapid HIV Test would take about thirty minutes and that she could go have a cup of coffee while she waited. Nothing in the cafeteria interested her, so she just checked in at the doctor's office and waited.

She knew that it was highly unlikely she had contracted HIV. Her Hepatitis C test had been negative. But she couldn't still the nervous flutter in her stomach. Her thoughts drifted to Johnny. She had only seen him once since the night she stuck herself with a needle contaminated by his blood. He was so thin and weak, she was afraid it would be the last time she saw him. He kept apologizing to her and she tried to reassure him that she was fine and it wasn't his fault.

Her hands resting on top of the unread magazine, Annie twisted a tissue until it was in shreds. She had imagined Bobby being here with her. That was a dangerous train of thought, she realized, as tears pricked her eyes. After her humiliating scene at One PP the day before, she had been so tempted to throw herself into Bobby's arms. She wanted more than anything to feel him holding her tight, to hear him whispering comforting words. She wanted to sob against his chest and tell him how scared she was, to beg him to come with her. But she didn't. What was left of her dignity was as shredded as the tissue in her lap, but she held onto to it and left without begging.

Her vision blurred as she looked at the decimated tissue….and thought that maybe begging would have been worth it if it meant having Bobby here with her today. The door of the waiting room opened and suddenly he was there in the seat next to her. Annie looked up and stared at him. He smiled and reached over to gather up the tissue she had torn to pieces. He got up and found a trash can to dump it in and then sat back down next to her. Her eyes filled with tears and she had to look away. Staring at the magazine, she blinked back tears. Bobby's hand closed over hers. Neither of them spoke as they waited.

"Annie?" The young woman called from the door of the waiting room. "Right this way, please."

Bobby laced his fingers through hers and held onto her hand as they walked into the doctor's office and sat down in chairs facing a large desk. The doctor came in and sat down, opening Annie's file.

"Well, I won't keep you in suspense, Annie," he said. "Your test was negative." Annie released the breath she hadn't realized she was holding as he continued. "We knew it was very unlikely that you would have contracted HIV this way, but still I realize that it must have been very unnerving to have to take the medications and then wait all this time. But…" he smiled at her. "You have a clean bill of health."

"Th…thank you," she said softly.

Bobby thanked the doctor and shook his hand as they stood up and prepared to leave. He continued to hold her hand as they walked out of the office, to the elevator, and outside to where Annie had parked. At her SUV, Annie turned to him. Afraid to look up at him, she kept her eyes on his chest.

"Thank you for coming," she whispered.

Bobby pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her. She couldn't hold back the tears any longer. Sobs shook her as she clung to him, her face buried against his chest. He held her tightly, whispering to her. When her tears finally subsided, they continued to stand together for several minutes. Finally, wiping her face, Annie looked up at him.

"I'm really sorry about yesterday, Babe," he told her. She nodded her head. "I brought your phone back," he said, pulling it from his pocket and handing it to her. "Nicole's call came from Pennsylvania, but it was a prepaid cell phone that she probably threw away as soon as she finished."

"Not too surprising," Annie said.

"The kids told me that you haven't been going to church." Annie flushed and looked at the ground. "Have….have you talked to your pastor?" She nodded and he asked, "What did he say?"

"That I should keep praying," she said angrily. "And that God would see me through this 'no matter what happens'. I walked out and I haven't been back since."

"But…why?"

"Because I'm not interested in God 'seeing me through no matter what happens'! I'm interested in my husband coming home!"

"Annie…."

"I'm sorry," she said. "I…I'm sorry. I just can't go back…not yet."

Bobby sighed. "Annie…do you want to get some lunch?"

Annie looked up at him, and knew that they were both remembering Bobby's words from six months earlier…promising they would spend this day in a hotel room making love. She smiled tremulously and shook her head.

"No thank you," she said stepping away. "I should get back home….and you probably need to get back to work."

"OK." He leaned down and gently kissed her forehead.

She got into the SUV and sat for a moment watching him walk away.

**End chapter 4**

17


	5. Chapter 5

**DECONSTRUCTION**

_This chapter begins at the end of Siren Call._

_Thank you Judy, for beta'ing!_

**CHAPTER 5**

"_You alright?__"__ Eames asks._

_I look at her silently, then turn my gaze to the passing scenery of the seaside town outside my window. I don__'__t answer for several long minutes. Am I alright? I__'__m alive. Ray Wisneski is dead__…__by his own hand, in his last attempt to take care of his family. He wanted to kill me, too. When he tossed his cell phone to me and ordered me to call my mother to say goodbye, I was nearly crushed by the weight of all the people I would be abandoning. What will happen to them if I am gone?_

_My mother__…__.alone and frightened, battling lymphoma. Annie__…__.I always saw her as my strength until I left and saw her fall apart. She doesn__'__t even know that my mother is ill__…__has no idea she is in the hospital. My kids__…__.Ally, so much like her mother, asking me pointedly when I will come home and why I left, not accepting my vague answers. Phillip and Andrew__…__.boys just leaving childhood, not yet reaching puberty, so much like myself and my brother at their age, needing a father to show them the way. Frank__…__I haven__'__t seen my brother in months, since I refused to give him money. He doesn__'__t know about Mom yet, I haven__'__t been able to reach him. I don__'__t even know if he is dead or alive._

_When I answer, my voice is unsteady. __"__I need to talk to Annie; see my kids.__"_

"_OK, I__'__ll drop you off when we get back.__"_

_I nod, then turn to look at my partner._

"_Eames__…__are you alright?__"_

"_I__'__m fine,__"__ she replies quickly. Too quickly. _

_I don__'__t answer, but I don__'__t look away. Eames glances at me out of the corner of her eye, then sighs._

"_I__'__m fine, Bobby__…__really. I__'__m OK.__"_

"_You__'__ll talk to Olivet?__"_

"_I don__'__t need__…"__ She sighs and glances at me again. __"__I__'__ll talk to Olivet.__"_

_I nod and turn to look out the window again. We speak little on the drive back to New York, each lost in our own thoughts. Eames stops the car in front of my house. My house. As I open my door the sound of a lawnmower can be heard coming from the backyard. I pause a moment before getting out of the car._

"_Eames__…"__ I hesitate for a moment. __"__Thank you.__"_

"_Go talk to her,__"__ Eames says softly._

* * *

Alex watched as Bobby got out of the car and walked to the front door. Driving away, she pulled out her phone.

"Hey Beautiful," Tom answered and she smiled at the warm welcome in his voice.

"What are you doing tonight?" she asked.

"Whatever you want," he told her and she could hear the worry in his voice. "The kids are with their mom."

"Order in at your place?"

"Sounds good. Everything OK?"

"Everything's fine. I love you, Tom."

"I love you, Alex."

Sighing, she dialed Dr. Olivet's number.

* * *

Bobby walked through the house. In the kitchen he stood looking into the backyard through the large window. Annie and the children were working in the yard. Ally, Phillip, and Andrew were pulling weeds in the flowerbeds while Annie mowed the lawn. Sandy was barking and racing around the yard.

Bobby felt a stab of guilt as he watched Annie struggle with the heavy mower that he had insisted on buying. She objected at the time, pointing out that it was too powerful and too heavy for her to use.

"You won't have to use it," he assured her. "I'll take care of all the mowing."

Sandy was the first to spot him as he went outside. She raced across the yard and danced around him, barking happily.

"Dad!" All three children dropped their gardening tools and ran to him. As he hugged them, he watched Annie. Her back was to them and she hadn't heard anything over the roar of the mower. She reached the back fence and wrestled to turn the mower, catching sight of him as she came around.

More guilt washed over him as Annie's face lit up with a smile. He had seen this same expression countless times. It was a smile directed at him and meant for him alone, and it never failed to make him feel as though his heart might explode with love for her. When she looked at him like that she fairly glowed with pleasure simply because of his presence. It was a smile that had never lost any of it's intensity over the years, although it had become less frequent in the last two years.

He knew he had caught her off-guard for a moment, walking in unexpectedly. He saw her expression change and knew she was remembering; remembering their situation. Bobby was not coming home from work; he didn't live here. His heart sank as her smile faltered and was replaced by another expression, one that he was becoming more and more familiar with; pain, confusion, anger, and most of all…fear. Despite the numerous times he had told her that this separation was temporary, each time she saw him she was afraid he would tell her he was divorcing her. She was heartbreakingly grateful when he showed up for her appointment to get her HIV test results. But his inability to commit to an appointment with a marriage counselor, compounded by his inability to explain why, had only intensified her fear that he wasn't coming home.

Suddenly Bobby regretted coming. He didn't have the energy to deal with Annie's fear. Nothing he said seemed to reassure her. _Because,_ he told himself, _you aren__'__t telling her the truth._ He focused his attention on the children while across the yard Annie turned off the mower and brushed loose grass off her shirt and pants, walked across the yard.

"Hi," she said and he could see the question in her eyes, but she refrained from asking him why he was there.

"Hi," he responded. "Can we talk?" She swallowed and nodded her head, her eyes searching his face for clues as to what he wanted to talk about. "Hey guys," Bobby said to the children, "I need to talk to Mom alone for a few minutes. We'll be in the house."

The children watched silently as Annie toed off her grass-covered shoes before she and Bobby went into the kitchen. Having lost interest in pulling weeds, they all settled on the grass where they could see their parents through the window. Sandy lay down and rolled onto her back, hoping someone would scratch her belly.

Bobby pulled one of the chairs away from the table and sat down. He saw Annie hesitate before pulling out another chair and taking a seat. She looked at her hands lying in her lap, as though she were waiting for a judge to pronounce sentence on her. Bobby cleared his throat, searching for a way to begin.

"I wanted to explain why I haven't been able to make an appointment with the counselor." Annie didn't look up but her face flushed and he knew that she was expecting to hear the worst: that Bobby had no intention of seeking counseling, no intention of returning home. "It's because…well, my mother has been having tests and I've been spending a lot of time at Carmel Ridge and on the phone with her doctor."

At this Annie looked up. "What kind of tests," she asked.

He took a deep breath. "Annie…Mom… she has lymphoma." There was a moment of silence as Annie stared at him, trying to process what he had just said. "It's…it doesn't look good. They will do chemotherapy and probably radiation…but…it's late stage…."

Annie left her chair and knelt in front of Bobby. She said nothing, but reached up and touched his cheek, tears filling her eyes. Bobby pulled her against him, burying his face against her neck. She wrapped her arms around his back and they held one another silently. While he fought against the sobs that threatened to break free, he allowed himself, for the first time, to feel the fear that he had been holding at bay during the weeks of testing and meetings with the oncologist.

* * *

Mike stood in the doorway, watching Sarah as she fried chicken. Jia Li was spending the weekend with Tony's parents, so Sarah was spending the weekend with him. Right now she was making dinner for him; fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy. Walking up behind her, he pushed her hair aside and gently nipped the back of her neck. She shivered and leaned back against him.

"Hey," she said, "no funny business….hot grease here."

"OK," he said, kissing her neck again. "I'll wait until your hands aren't occupied."

Later that night in bed, Mike idly drew designs on Sarah's back with his finger as she lay draped across him.

"Hey, Sweetheart?" he said softly.

"Mmm hmmm?"

"What was going on with you that day in the park? Why did you get so upset?"

She didn't answer for a moment and Mike feared he had made her angry again. Finally she rolled over and sat cross-legged on the bed, facing him.

"I, um…sort of overreacted, didn't I?" she asked sheepishly.

"A little."

"I'm sorry."

Mike reached for her hand and said, "You don't have to apologize. I just want to know why."

Sarah took a deep breath and Mike waited patiently.

"You were right, you know," she said. "It is normal for kids to have crushes on their teachers. I had a crush on Mr. Lamb….ninth grade Social Studies." She smiled at Mike. "He was young and blond and I thought he was the most beautiful and most intelligent man on earth." Mike chuckled. "Well, my brother had a crush on a teacher, too. Aaron was sixteen and his Algebra teacher was young and very pretty. All the guys had a thing for her." Sarah swallowed and looked down at her legs crossed in front of her. "One day I was in the library looking for a book and I went around a corner and I saw…." She paused and looked at Mike. "I saw Aaron and his teacher kissing. And she was pressed up against him, rubbing herself…." Sarah blushed. "Well, anyway, I didn't know what to do…I mean, I was only fourteen. They didn't see me so I just backed up and ran out of the library. I was so upset….I could barely sit still in the rest of my classes that day. After school, I avoided Aaron and took a bus to Uncle Jimmy's house. He was at work and I asked Aunt Angie if I could wait there for him. She could see how upset I was and called him and he came home." Mike rolled onto his side and propped himself on his elbow, waiting for her to continue.

"I…well, I told Uncle Jimmy what I had seen and asked him what I should do. He kissed my forehead and said that I had already done it. He made me stay there with Aunt Angie and he went to my house and talked to Mom and Dad. Then they all talked to Aaron. I guess he tried to deny it at first and called me a liar. But finally he admitted that they had kissed but he said that's all that happened. The next day Mom and Dad and Uncle Jimmy went to see the principal."

Sarah's eyes filled with tears. "It was such a mess. Aaron was _so_ angry at me….he probably would have hit me if he wasn't afraid of Daddy and Uncle Jimmy. The teacher was put on paid leave while they investigated. Of course the whole school found out and Aaron was humiliated….and blamed me. I don't think he said more than five words to me over the next two months. But then….three boys admitted that they had been having sex with the teacher. Poor Aaron was heartbroken…..he thought she was really in love with him."

Mike reached over placed his hand on top of hers and asked, "And you and Aaron?"

Sarah sniffed. "Eventually he stopped being mad at me. He was just so humiliated to be used by her that way, you know? He got through it; he's very happily married now and has three kids." She looked at him earnestly. "I just get angry when I think people are treating the subject lightly. When the whole Mary Kay Letourneau thing was in the news, I would get so frustrated by some journalists who called it a 'love affair' or a 'forbidden love'…it was none of that! It was a twelve year old boy molested by his teacher. And if it had been a twelve year old girl and a male teacher, people wouldn't have been so forgiving!"

Mike smiled at her and she blushed. "I'm sorry…I'll get off my soap box now."

Mike leaned over and kissed her. "You're passionate….that's nothing to apologize for. _I__'__m_ sorry I made light of it. You're right, this case we worked….it wasn't an affair. This kid was a victim, too." Putting his finger under her chin, he tipped her head to look at him. "Are we OK?"

"We're OK," she said, smiling. "Have I mentioned lately that I love you?"

Mike wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to lie next to him.

"I don't know," he said with a grin. "Maybe you should remind me……"

* * *

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

Alex looked up into Tom's worried eyes. They were standing outside her house; the house where she had been attacked and kidnapped, the house she had not been inside since. She smiled at Tom as he positioned himself between her and the front door.

"No, I don't _want_ to do this," she said. "I _need_ to do this. I told you that you need to trust me to know what's best for me."

Tom hesitated and Alex waited, holding his gaze with her own level one. Finally he exhaled and stepped aside. Alex gently placed one hand on his chest as she inserted the key in the lock and opened her front door. Tom covered her hand with his for a moment and then let her pull away as she stepped inside. Tom followed, careful not to crowd her although what he really wanted was to put his arms around her and drag her away…away from the painful memories.

Alex stood inside the small entryway for a moment, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. Opening her eyes, she lifted her chin and walked into the living room, determined to get the worst part over with as quickly as possible. The first thing she noticed was that Polly's cage was gone. Next was the faded blood stain on the carpet near where the cage had been. Her family had cleaned the house, disposing of the cage and trying to get the blood out of the carpet. They hadn't been able to eliminate the stain completely. But as she stood looking at it, Alex realized that only someone who knew blood had caused the stain would recognize it. Most people would assume that juice or punch had been spilled on the carpet. _But I will always know where it came from_, she thought. She didn't look at Tom and appreciated that he didn't try to comfort her.

Wordlessly she moved on to the kitchen, then to each of the bedrooms. Not much cleaning had been required here, as Alex kept a tidy home. They had dusted and vacuumed. Her sister had been in a few times to pick up clothes or other items that Alex requested. In her bedroom, she paused in front of the dresser and touched her wedding picture. Joe…this one had brought her laughter and love. Turning around, she smiled at the man who was currently filling her life with those very things.

"Don't look so scared, Tom," she said with a grin. "I'm not going to flip out on you."

He smiled at her and visibly relaxed, leaning against the door jamb and crossing his arms.

"Well, that's too bad. I was looking forward to using the fireman's carry on you."

"In your dreams, Spencer," she laughed. "In your dreams."

Tom crossed the room and leaned down to kiss her. Alex wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close.

"Tom….I need to come back here. I need to live here again."

He held her face between his hands and asked softly, "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure," she said, nodding her head. "I have to….take my home back. Does that make sense?"

"Perfect sense," he told her. "Can I stay with you?"

"Tonight you can. Tomorrow night, I'm going to stay here alone." Taking a deep breath, Alex pulled away from his embrace and walked to the door of the bedroom. Turning back she told him, "But right now you and I need to go shopping. The carpet needs to be replaced….and the sooner the better."

* * *

Annie sighed and rubbed her forehead. She hated paying bills. It was something Bobby had always done. She looked at the bills lying on the table in front of her, trying to decide which ones were most urgent and which could wait until her next payday. They all looked urgent.

Depending on her own income was something she hadn't done since she and Bobby were married. Bobby had insisted that they live on his income and use hers to save for a house. Once they bought the house, her income was used to pay down the mortgage, add to their depleted savings, and some of it was used for "extras"; vacations, furnishings, sports and music lessons for the children, etc. Now she was using her income for living expenses, and it suddenly seemed much too little. The cost of keeping up two households was considerable. Although Bobby's apartment was a small studio in a not-so-good area, rents in New York were still expensive…as were the utilities and food. For the first time since buying the house, they were making only the required payment with nothing extra added on….and that was proving to be a stretch. She sighed as she thought of how close they were to paying it off completely; now it would take longer.

Bobby was generous and asked her frequently if she needed more money. She always assured him that they were fine; knowing he would do without electricity or food if he thought his family was in need. But the monthly bills were straining her paycheck. Ally wanted to play basketball this year and the twins were both in soccer. Andrew loved sports and excelled in all of them, but his first love was baseball and he couldn't wait for the season to begin. Ally and Phillip continued to take piano lessons and Ally had begun playing the violin a few years earlier. She had her eye on a new violin that Annie had hoped to get for her for Christmas. But she wasn't sure that would happen now. These were all the things that fell into that "extras" category and used to come from her income.

She knew that she could dip into their savings and Bobby wouldn't object. But she didn't want to use their savings for everyday expenses. Annie had worked part time since Ally was born, but she had reluctantly gone to her supervisor that week and asked for extra shifts. It was the only way she could think of to cover all of the bills and still provide the children with the activities that they loved.

She had hoped that Bobby would be home before it got to the point that she needed to work more shifts. But he wasn't home. And with Frances' illness, their counseling seemed to be on hold. Their lives seemed to be on hold as well.

Adding to her frustration and tension was the way the children were responding to the separation. Annie could see that Ally blamed her mother for the separation. Her attitude was becoming more openly insolent and Annie was conflicted about how to handle it. She wasn't sure how much was due to Ally's anger over the separation and how much was just normal mother/teenage daughter friction. While she wanted Ally to feel she could express her feelings of hurt and anger, at the same time Annie didn't want her to think being disrespectful was acceptable. It was a fine line to walk and most of the time Annie felt she was handling it all wrong.

The twins, on the other hand, seemed to be trying hard not to take sides. But where Phillip talked to her and asked questions (most of which she didn't have answers to), Andrew was quiet and withdrawn. When she asked him if he wanted to talk he always told her no. She was concerned though, when she watched his soccer games and realized that Andrew's anger was coming out on the field. She was alarmed to see that he was yellow carded for fouls in every game. In one of his first games he received two yellow cards, which resulted in being sent off the field. Now he was careful not to get a second yellow card. She had tried to talk to him about it but he denied being upset about anything and refused to discuss it.

Annie hadn't talked to Bobby about how the children were reacting because she knew how much stress he was under with his mother's illness. This, of course, made it even worse when Andrew's coach called him to discuss Andrew's aggressive behavior. Bobby called Annie, angry that she hadn't told him there were any problems. She became defensive and then angry, leading to an argument in which she told him that he would have known if he had been to any of Andrew's games.

The sudden silence filled her with remorse for her harsh words. Since Bobby told her about his mother's illness, she had tried to be understanding about his need to be in Carmel Ridge as much as possible. She explained to the children why Dad couldn't go to games and wasn't as available for rides to school and activities. She forced herself not to ask to see Frances, knowing it would only upset him. She knew his greatest insecurity lay with his role as a father, and in a moment of anger she had used it to hurt him. And she could tell that she had succeeded. She apologized immediately, but Bobby said that he needed to go and ended the phone call.

Two days later, Annie and Ally were in the midst of an argument that had begun as a dispute over whether or not Ally's bedroom was clean. It escalated rapidly and when Bobby arrived to pick up the children for the weekend, he walked into the house just in time to hear Ally yell, "….and I know it's your fault Daddy left…you were mean to him until he couldn't stand to be around you anymore and neither can I!"

She turned to run up the stairs but stopped short when Bobby yelled, "Ally Goren!" He snapped his fingers and pointed to the bottom of the staircase. She reluctantly turned and walked back down.

"Apologize to your mother," he ordered.

"I'm sorry," she said sullenly.

"Don't ever speak to her like that again," he told her sternly and sent her upstairs to tell her brothers that it was time to leave.

Annie stood silently throughout the exchange and didn't meet his gaze after Ally went upstairs.

"How long has that been going on," he asked softly.

She shrugged and finally looked up at him. "For a while."

"I'm sorry."

"She misses you," Annie said.

Bobby nodded and now he was the one who couldn't make eye contact. "I'll have a talk with her this weekend. I'll talk to all three of them."

Annie brought her wandering mind back to the present and the bills that she wasn't sure how to pay. Heaving a sigh, she wrote checks for the ones that seemed most urgent and put the others in a folder. She decided she would check with the supervisor the next day to see how many extra shifts she could give her. Annie put the paperwork away, turned out the lights, and went to bed.

**End chapter 5**

11


	6. Chapter 6

**DECONSTRUCTION**

_This chapter takes place during Maltese Cross._

_Thank you Judy, for beta'ing!_

**CHAPTER 6**

"_I know it's your fault Daddy left…you were mean to him until he couldn't stand to be around you anymore and neither can I!" _

_Ally's words play in my mind. Annie hadn't told me that there were any problems with the children. First Andrew's soccer coach called me to discuss Andrew's aggressive behavior while playing, and then I walked into the middle of Ally's diatribe against her mother. Both were like spears through my heart. I remember well exhibiting both responses to my father leaving us; taking out my anger and frustration on those around me….and blaming my mother. _

_I talked with all three children over the weekend, but I doubt that they were swayed. They are more influenced by the grief of seeing the world as they knew it crumbling around them than by my words. _

_Annie's angry comment that I would have known about Andrew's problem if I had attended any of his games hit the mark. I have to spend more time with all three of them. I have never thought of my children as a burden, but now I am all too aware of all the people in my life who need something from me….and how badly I am failing all of them._

* * *

_A brawl with the FDNY_, Mike thought as he lay in the back of the ambulance. _The brass is gonna love this. And Ross will probably ship me back to Staten Island after getting his little protégé mixed up in this._

He closed his eyes and tried not to think about how much his body hurt. His face, his ribs….it was a chore just to take a deep breath. He heard the EMTs say that the police involved in the fight were being taken to St. Anthony's Hospital; the firefighters were going to St. Vincent's. The first person he saw in the hospital was Annie Paine. As she started an IV on his arm, he saw the worry on her face.

"I didn't know that MCS was involved in this….." He knew what she was asking.

She slipped the needle into his arm efficiently. She was taping the tubing to his left arm when he reached over with his right hand and covered her hands.

"He wasn't there, Annie." She looked at him gratefully. "I saw Goren and Eames leave One PP earlier…I think they were out of town chasing someone's alibi."

"Thanks Mike," she said with a small smile. "Do you want me to call Sarah?"

"No thanks…I'll talk to her later."

"OK. A doctor will be in to check you out and I'm sure you'll be going up for X-rays." She grinned at him. "I'm going to take care of your new partner now. You trying to scare her off already?"

"Hey…how do you know this is my fault?"

Annie laughed. "Are you telling me that little freckle-faced redhead who looks like she's in high school jumped a bunch of firefighters and dragged poor, innocent Mike Logan into a brawl?"

Mike chuckled. "No…I'm not gonna tell you that."

"That's what I thought. Be careful of that IV," she warned him as she walked out of the room.

Mike was taken for X-rays; no ribs were broken, but the doctor wanted to keep him overnight for observation. But Mike had no intention wasting time here. He had just convinced his partner to hand him his pants and was pulling them on when Annie walked back into the room. She frowned at the IV tubing lying on the bed where he had tossed it after pulling it out of his arm.

"You did not just pull out my carefully inserted IV, did you?" Mike grinned at her and didn't answer. "Mike, what do you think you're doing? The doctor wants you to stay tonight."

"Annie," Mike said, wincing as he reached for his shirt, "I'm fine. And I'm leaving." Annie folded her arms over her chest and frowned at him. "Hey, you met my partner? Detective Megan Wheeler, this is Annie Paine. She's married to Bobby Goren."

"Smooth, Logan…real smooth," Wheeler said, rolling her eyes. She turned to Annie and added, "You didn't mention that Goren is your husband. He's a good cop."

Annie smiled. _A good cop._ That was the highest compliment one officer could give to another.

"Thank you," she said. "OK, Mike, I can see you won't change your mind. I have a form I need you to sign before you leave. Detective Wheeler, keep those clean and dry until they fall off on their own." She gestured to the Steri-Strips she had used to close the laceration on Wheeler's right cheek. "Give Sarah my love," she told Mike.

"Sarah?" Wheeler asked as she accompanied her partner out of the ER.

"My….girlfriend," Mike told her.

"You surprise me, Logan," Wheeler told him with a smile. "I didn't have you pegged as a one-woman kind of guy."

"Yeah well….you haven't met Sarah," he said with a grin. "Yet."

* * *

Sarah walked into the employee lounge of the library and opened the refrigerator to pull out the sandwich she had brought for lunch. As she settled into one of the chairs, a news bulletin flashed on the screen of the small television. She sat up straight, her lunch forgotten, as the news anchor described a brawl between the NYPD and the FDNY. He said that officers from several precincts were involved, including the elite Major Case Squad.

Sarah pulled her cell phone out of her purse and dialed Mike's number. It went straight to voice mail and she left a message asking him to call her. Next she dialed her Uncle Jimmy's number.

"Uncle Jimmy, did you hear about the fight between the police and the fire department?"

"Yeah, Kiddo, I heard."

"Mike's not answering his cell…."

"I'm sure he's OK," Jimmy soothed.

"Uncle Jimmy…they said MCS was involved….I….I…."

Jimmy sighed. "OK, Kiddo, let me see what I can find out."

After placing a few calls to buddies within the NYPD, Jimmy called Sarah.

"Alright…Logan was involved. But," he hastened to add at Sarah's gasp, "he's OK. He was taken to the hospital and released."

"The hospital?!"

"He's fine, Sarah. He got into a fight with some firefighters. His partner called for back-up, and there was a brawl between the cops and the firefighters. But no one, not even Mike, was seriously hurt. He's OK."

"I need to talk to him," she said softly.

"He's on the job, Sarah. He'll call you when he gets a chance. Just let it go for now," Jimmy warned and then added, "He's OK…I promise."

"OK, Uncle Jimmy," she sighed. "I'll wait for him to call me."

Her phone rang as she ended her call and she glanced at the display before answering.

"Mike! I've been so worried! Are you OK?"

"Hi Sweetheart. I'm fine….really, I'm fine."

* * *

Annie stayed busy until the last of the police officers was discharged. Heaving a sigh of relief she decided it was a good time to take a break. Before she could leave the ER, one of the other nurses called to her.

"EMTs just brought Johnny in," she told Annie sadly. "He's asking for you."

Annie's breath caught in her chest. She had only seen Johnny once since her needle stick. She had been afraid that he had died alone on the street and was buried somewhere…wherever the city buried homeless people with no one to claim them. She hurried to the exam room.

She managed, barely, not to gasp at the sight of him. She hadn't been far off in her fears for him….Johnny was dying, of that she was sure. Always thin, he was now emaciated. His cheeks were sunken and his skin had the gray pallor that Annie knew all too well preceded death. His dark brown eyes were dull, his lids half-closed…as though he didn't have the strength or energy to open them all the way. Annie could hear him wheeze with every labored breath. She walked quietly to his side and took his hand in hers; it was dirty with the grime of living on the streets. He managed to open his eyes enough to look at her and his dry, cracked lips turned up in a smile.

"Hey Doll." His voice was hoarse and so soft, she had to lean down to hear him. "I was hopin' you were here."

"Johnny…I've missed you," she told him.

"Think this is it."

"I think so, too."

He weakly squeezed her hand and whispered, "I hate to ask, Doll…and I've got no right….."

"You can ask me anything, Johnny."

"Will….will you stay….with me?"

"Of course I will. But…wouldn't you rather have your daughter…your family? Please give me their names and we'll try to get them here."

He shook his head slightly and closed his eyes. "No….they've got their lives and I won't drag them back into mine."

"OK, Johnny…we'll do it your way."

After consulting with the doctor, Johnny was admitted to a room on the Medical Floor. Annie called Janey and made arrangements for the children to spend the night with her. When she called to tell the children the arrangements, Ally complained that she was old enough to babysit her brothers, but Annie insisted that they go next door. Ally slammed the phone down, eliciting a sigh from Annie. She would deal with it later.

Once in a room, Johnny had a request….he wanted a bath. Annie and a nurse's aide maneuvered him into a wheelchair, down the hall to a large room with a walk-in shower and a large bathtub. They gently lowered him into the tub and took their time washing him from head to toe as he relaxed in the warm water.

Back in his room, clean and dressed in a patient gown, they transferred him into the bed. Exhausted from the exertion, Johnny fell asleep as Annie massaged his bony back. He had refused to eat anything, taking only a few sips of water. An IV had been started and pain medicine administered. As Annie settled into the chair next to him, grateful there was no one in the bed next to his, one of the nurses brought her a tray from the kitchen. She thankfully ate dinner, and then pulled a book from her purse and sat back to read.

It was after ten PM when she saw his eyelids flutter open and he smiled weakly up at her. She helped him to take a few more sips of water, but he still refused food. Annie sat on the side of his bed and held his cold, thin hand between both of hers.

"Is there anything I can get you, Johnny? Anything I can do for you?"

"Yeah, Doll, there is." His voice was barely a whisper and she had to lean close. "Would you read to me?"

"Of course I will," she said with a smile. "I'll see what we have to choose from."

"Actually," he said, squeezing her hand, "I think I'd like you to read to me from that Bible you like so much."

"Sure Johnny," she said, reaching over and pulling the Gideon Bible from the drawer of his bedside table. "Anything special you want to hear?"

"You choose, Doll."

Annie took a shaky breath, opened the Bible, and began to read from the gospel of John.

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God……"

* * *

Sarah was sitting on the floor outside Mike's apartment, waiting for him to come home. Though they had talked on the phone and he assured her that he was fine, she decided she had to see him that night. She took Jia Li to her parents' to spend the night and drove to his apartment building. He wasn't home yet and not having a key, she sat down to wait. She was hugging her knees to her when Mike finally made his way painfully up the stairs.

She had tried to prepare herself for how he might look, but when she saw him she gasped. His left eye was black with swelling under it and there was a cut near the outer corner of that eye, as well as cuts across the bridge of his nose his lower lip. Mike was surprised to see her, and even more surprised when she rose from the floor and launched herself into his arms. Hearing his soft, "Oof!" and feeling him wince, Sarah immediately stepped back.

"Mike, did I hurt you? I'm so sorry, Baby, I didn't realize!"

He grinned at her and put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her to his side. She felt the gun on his hip dig into her stomach.

"It's OK…really, Sarah. Nothing's broken, just bruises."

He pulled out his key and opened the door. Once inside, Mike released her and took off his gun and his badge, placing them on the counter in the kitchen. The way he winced when she touched him told Sarah that his wounds weren't restricted to his face. Without a word, she took his hand and led him to the bedroom where she pulled his jacket off his shoulders and draped it over a chair. Mike didn't say anything, either, as she began to unbutton his shirt. He submitted to having his shirt and undershirt removed and stood quietly as she walked in a circle around him. Tears filled her eyes as she saw bruises already forming on his chest, his back, and his arms.

"Oh Mike," she whispered, gently brushing her hand across the bruises.

Mike pulled her to him as silent tears slid down her cheeks. "Hey, I'm OK, Sweetheart."

She took his hand and pulled him towards the bed. He allowed her to help him out of the rest of his clothes, leaving him wearing only his green boxers. He lay down on the bed as Sarah changed into a nightgown she kept at his apartment and slid in next to him. He looked up at her as she propped herself on her elbow. Tracing a finger over the cuts and bruises on his face, she leaned down and gently pressed her lips to the cut on his lip. Next she kissed the cut on the bridge of his nose, then moved to the one near his eye.

Mike couldn't remember ever having the childish belief in "kiss and make it better." He didn't even remember his mother ever kissing his "boo-boos"; inflicting them had been more her style. But as he closed his eyes and felt Sarah's soft lips moving over his face and then his body, kissing each cut and each bruise, he had to admit that the pain actually lessened. She gently pushed him to roll onto his side and continued kissing the bruises on his back. He rolled back and she began again, kissing his face and moving down to his chest. Mike tangled his fingers in her hair and felt the warm heaviness of sleep creep over him.

* * *

Alex looked across the table at Tom as they ate dinner at his favorite diner. They had carefully avoided the subject of the brawl between the NYPD and the FDNY earlier that day. She and Bobby couldn't believe it when they returned to the city and heard what had happened, although they both tried not to laugh when they heard that Mike Logan was in the middle of it. She had called to find out if her brother had been involved and was relieved to hear that he wasn't. She knew the next family gathering would be uncomfortable enough because he was sure to take his "brothers" side. It would have been unbearable if she or her brother, or both, had been involved in the melee. She hadn't yet asked Tom if he was there and he hadn't offered the information. Finally, she couldn't stand ignoring the elephant in the room any longer.

"OK Tom," she said, "tell me." When he looked at her innocently she added, "You know what I'm talking about. Were you there?"

He grinned at her for a moment before answering. "No I wasn't. We heard the call come in, but the chief wouldn't allow us to respond."

Alex laid her fork down and frowned at him. "So you would have responded if the chief hadn't stopped you?"

Tom laid his fork down as well and crossed his arms on the table. "I don't know…maybe. What about you, Alex? Would you have responded?"

"Respond to a 10-13? Of course I would. But that's different. 'Officer needs assistance' requires everyone who is available to respond."

"So if you respond, it's part of your job. But if I had responded…..?" He let the question hang.

"Tom…Logan is a cop and he was doing his job. He's investigating the murder of a firefighter. It seems to me that Duffy's 'brothers' would want to know who killed him….no matter what uncomfortable information comes out about Duffy. Instead, one of your 'brothers' decked Logan…he assaulted a cop. And the rest of his crew jumped in."

Tom nodded and reached over to cover her hand with his. "Look, I know…Charlie Hugo is a hothead. But Ian Duffy was his friend, as well as his brother. Logan needed information, but he was challenging what Charlie thought he had always known about his friend. Maybe if Logan had backed off and given Charlie time to process….I don't know." He sighed. "Charlie was in the wrong…I give you that. But I understand." Alex laced her fingers with his as she contemplated his words. "I hope they find whoever killed Duffy. And personally, I don't care if he was gay or not….although I don't like that he was cheating on his wife, whether it was with a woman or a man. I can't tell you for sure what I would have done if I had responded. I hope I would have tried to reason with both sides….but….they're my brothers, Alex."

He lifted her hand and pressed his lips to the inside of her wrist, feeling her pulse quicken.

"Stop that," Alex said with mock sternness. "I can't argue with you when you're doing that."

"That's what I'm counting on," he murmured with his lips still against her skin.

Alex opened her hand and rested her palm against his cheek. "I guess I don't really want to argue. Let's just hope we are never both on if another brawl breaks out."

"Well," he said, kissing her palm, "maybe we better work extra hard on NYPD/FDNY relations."

"You mean public relations?" Alex asked with a laugh.

"Whatever," Tom smiled.

* * *

Annie stood in her bedroom. She was exhausted but couldn't seem to force herself to climb into bed. She had remained with Johnny, reading to him and then simply holding his hand, until he passed away about an hour earlier. She had kissed his forehead and whispered, "Goodbye Johnny. I'm going to miss you." As she left the hospital, staff were already planning to take up a collection to pay for at least a simple funeral for their favorite "frequent flyer".

Her body thrummed with tension. She had not allowed herself to cry, had tried not to feel the grief stealing over her. Annie looked at the bed…her empty bed…and longed to talk to Bobby, to feel him hold her and whisper comforting words to her. But Bobby wasn't here. He was in his apartment. His apartment where he lived alone…without her. It had been more than three months since he left and she had no idea when….or if….he was going to come home. It had been seven months since they had made love and she ached to feel his touch.

Giving a disgusted sigh, Annie began to remove her clothes, tossing them into the hamper. She took her shoes to the closet and something caught her eye as she bent to place them on the floor. Dropping to her knees, she reached into the corner of the closet and pulled out a pair of boots. The faint scent of leather wafted up to her as her fingers slid over their cool black exterior. A rush of memories took her breath away. She and Bobby had found these boots while window shopping on a weekend alone several years earlier. Annie playfully took Bobby's hand and half-dragged him into the shoe store so that she could try them on.

It was supposed to be a joke, modeling the slutty-looking thigh-high boots that zipped up the inside of each leg. But the laughter had died on Bobby's face when she stood up in the black leather boots with the three inch heels. Instead, Annie had blushed to see his eyes darken with desire as he gazed at her. Over her objections, Bobby insisted on buying the expensive boots. Back at home, he begged her to put them on along with a black lace chemise. They spent the rest of the weekend making love. Annie had never worn the boots in public; she wore them for Bobby alone.

She was suddenly so overwhelmed with longing for him that it took her breath away. Trying not to think about what she was doing, Annie stood up and went to her dresser. She found a black chemise with matching bikini panties, similar to what she had worn that weekend, and put them on. She pulled on the boots and zipped them up. Downstairs she pulled her coat on and buttoned it over the chemise. The coat fell below her knees, covering her completely. On the drive to Bobby's apartment building, she ignored the voice in her head telling her this was a mistake. Instead she focused on the thrum of desire throughout her body. She found a parking space and walked the two blocks to the apartment, the heels of her boots slapping the sidewalk. Standing in front of the locked front door, she nearly lost her nerve. Annie stared at the button for Bobby's apartment, wanting to push it but not sure of what she would say when he answered. It was after midnight; what possible excuse could she give for showing up on his doorstep? Her dilemma was solved when the door opened and a couple emerged from the building. Annie caught the open door and slipped inside. Taking a deep breath, she began to climb the stairs to the third floor, pushing aside the memory of the last time she came here and couldn't even make it up the stairs.

She again faltered when she reached the door of his apartment. She braced her hands on either side of the door and lowered her head for a moment. Taking another deep breath she straightened and knocked softly, trying to still her trembling. She knew Bobby was in there, knew he was awake. She could almost feel him looking at her through the peep hole. She heard the chain rattling and the lock being turned and then the door was open and she was looking up at him. He stepped back and she moved into the apartment. He closed the door and leaned against it, looking at her and waiting.

Annie swallowed and without taking her eyes off of his, she unbuttoned her coat. Bobby's expression didn't change as she let the coat slide off her shoulders and pool at her feet. They stared at one another for several long moments and then Bobby moved to stand face to face, almost, but not quite, touching. The three inch heels brought her closer to his height, but still she had to tilt her head back to meet his eyes. He leaned down and touched his lips to hers, careful not to touch her anywhere else. Annie's lips opened and her mouth welcomed his tongue. Suddenly his arms were around her waist, pulling her tightly against his body. Her arms crept up around his neck as his hands grasped her thighs and lifted her. She wrapped her boot-clad legs around his waist, hooking her ankles behind his back, and held him tightly as their kiss continued and deepened. Without breaking the kiss, he carried her across the small room and gently lowered her onto the bed.

They didn't speak. They didn't speak as they made love. The only noises came from traffic outside and an occasional door opening and closing in other apartments…punctuated by their own soft groans and once by Annie crying out wordlessly. They didn't speak as they lay wrapped around one another, perspiration cooling their heated bodies. They didn't speak as they retrieved their discarded clothing from the floor and dressed. They didn't speak as Bobby opened the door and escorted Annie down the stairs, out of the building, and down the two blocks to her SUV. They didn't speak as she unlocked the door and Bobby reached across to open it for her. They didn't speak as she settled in the driver's seat and he gently helped her to fasten her seat belt. They didn't speak as he leaned down and stared sadly into her eyes, gently brushing his thumb across her cheek. They didn't speak when he stood up and closed her door, walking around to the sidewalk to watch her drive away.

Back in her own bedroom, in her own bed, Annie finally let the tears flow. She cried for Johnny's lonely life and his self-imposed exile. She cried for his lonely death, attended only by someone who didn't even know his real name. She cried for her own damaged, and maybe dying, marriage. She cried for her children, reeling from watching their world turn upside down. She cried for Bobby and the pain and fear he was trying so hard to keep wrapped tightly within himself.

Only when there were no more tears did she finally succumb to an exhausted sleep.

**End chapter 6**

12


	7. Chapter 7

**DECONSTRUCTION**

_This chapter is set mid-October…after Maltese Cross and Bedfellows, just before Masquerade. Since they stopped giving us time stamps in season 6, I try to find clues from the episodes as to when they take place. That works better with some episodes than others. We know that Masquerade takes place around Halloween. I know (because I created her and have her vital statistics on my computer) that Annie's birthday is October 15. And that is where we are picking up with chapter 7. _

_Thank you once again to Judyg for beta'ing. And thank you to everyone reading and to those who leave comments. You motivate me to write more and more!_

**CHAPTER 7**

_I knew it was a mistake, I knew it would only confuse us both. But when I saw Annie standing in my apartment wearing only lingerie and those black leather boots under her coat…I suddenly didn't care about what would happen after. All I knew was that I was hurting and she was hurting….and she was there. I missed the feel of her body against mine, the taste of her against my tongue, the faint lilac scent of her hair and skin, the sounds she makes when I touch her. So I ignored the warning voice in my head._

_I know why she showed up at my apartment. Ally called me earlier that night, upset that Mom had told her and the boys to go next door to spend the night with Aunt Janey. She insisted that she was old enough to babysit and wanted me to intervene with her mother to let them stay at home alone. Or at least to spend the night with me. But I was not going to allow Ally to play us against one another. Although I wish Annie had called me rather than Janey, I told Ally that she and her brothers were to do what their mother instructed, refusing to be moved by my daughter's dramatic tears. _

_Ally said that Annie was staying at the hospital, possibly all night, with a patient who was dying….a homeless man. It must have been Johnny, the man whose AIDS-infected blood was on the needle that Annie stuck herself with seven months ago. She has talked about him over the years; she's very fond of him, and it has always made her sad that he would not share who he really is with her. My wife, who always wants to 'make things right' for others, wanted to reunite the mysterious Johnny with his family. I wonder if, on his deathbed, he gave her the information she has tried for years to get. While a part of me was surprised that Annie braved seeing my apartment….the thought of which caused her to hyperventilate just a few months ago….seeing her there, her blue eyes pleading with me, seemed the most natural thing in the world._

_Now, of course, we are faced with the consequences of the passion we shared in my too-small bed, in my too-small apartment. We didn't speak that night, and we have barely spoken since. When we do have to communicate our conversations are stilted, uncomfortable. It seems that whatever we each hoped to accomplish that night, it has driven a wedge between us rather than drawing us closer._

* * *

Engrossed in the file on his desk, Bobby answered the ringing phone absent-mindedly.

"Goren," he said crisply.

"Dad," Ally's voice here in the squad room, in the midst of pictures of two murdered brothers, was incongruous. "Sunday is Mom's birthday," she was saying. Bobby struggled to pull his attention from the case file. "We want to take her out for dinner."

Annie's birthday. In fourteen years of marriage he had never forgotten a single birthday, anniversary, or Valentine's Day. How had her birthday snuck up without his notice?

"I think she'll like that," he told Ally. "Do you need money?"

"Yes, we do. But, Dad…" she hesitated and Bobby knew what was coming next. "We…Phillip and Andrew and I…we talked about it…and we want you to come, too."

The silence hung between them for a moment before he answered. "Ally…I….I don't think..." He took a deep breath before continuing. "I don't think that would be a good idea."

"It's Mom's birthday," she repeated.

"But things are…Mom would probably prefer to spend her birthday with you kids."

"You guys were…separated…" Ally stumbled over the word, causing a stab of guilt to his heart. "You were separated for your birthday, too. But Mom came to dinner with us."

_But things have changed…for the worse,_ he thought, but didn't say aloud.

"_We_ want you to come, Daddy." Ally said emphatically, resorting to the little-girl name she used for him.

Bobby sighed again. There was no way out of this. It would be uncomfortable for him. It would be uncomfortable for Annie. But they would do it. For the kids.

"OK, honey. Where do you want to take her? I'll make the reservations."

"Alejandro's…for tacos."

"Alright. I'll be there by six, OK?"

"OK."

He hung up and looked up to find Eames watching him. He shrugged slightly and went back to the file on his desk.

* * *

Annie was nervous, waiting for Bobby to arrive. She was surprised when the children told her that he was taking them all to dinner for her birthday. Their conversations lately were polite, but strained. They hadn't talked about _that night_, but it hung between them, neither of them knowing what to say about it.

He arrived and Ally rushed to hug him. He was obviously uncomfortable, confirming Annie's suspicion that he was only coming tonight because the children had pressured him into it. His uneasiness was even more pronounced when he opened the door of the SUV for her. How long had it been since they had gone anywhere together? The twins' birthday, she realized, over a month ago. The children seemed determined to treat this as any other birthday celebration, and kept up a constant chatter from the back seat.

Once they were seated in the restaurant, Annie tried to relax. This was not really about her birthday, she decided. This was for the children and she wanted them to have a good time. She smiled at a joke that Phillip told, laughed at a story about a schoolmate. She noticed that as she relaxed, she began to enjoy herself…really enjoy herself. Especially when she saw that Bobby was beginning to relax as well. When he laughed at something Andrew said, her heart fluttered a bit. She couldn't remember the last time she had heard him laugh…she missed it. By the time the staff brought out Triple Chocolate Cheesecake and sang "Happy Birthday" in Spanish, she could almost forget that this wasn't just another family dinner, like so many they had shared over the years. When the children pulled out her birthday presents, she was surprised to find one from Bobby…a book she had wanted to read for some time.

Back at the house, the children insisted that Bobby come in to tell them good night. Tucking them in bed…something else that hadn't happened in a very long time. They were all really too old for it, but Bobby obliged anyway. When he came downstairs, Annie was in the kitchen and he went to the kitchen to tell her he was leaving. She had brought home a slice of cheesecake and it was sitting on the counter. Annie was smiling, still glowing from the turn the evening had taken. She was leaning against the counter when Bobby entered.

"I was thinking of eating this right now, rather than saving it for tomorrow," she told him. "Would you like to split it?"

He looked at her for a moment, his face unreadable, before he answered. "No thank you. I should be going."

"Thank you for the book. I…I had a nice time tonight. Thank you."

Bobby nodded and started to turn, but turned back. He didn't want to leave with any misunderstandings between them.

"You know that tonight…that this was…it was just for the kids, right?"

Somehow she managed to keep the smile on her face, but she could feel the blush creeping over her. She was embarrassed…of course, it was for the kids…how had she allowed herself to forget that?

"Yes, I know," she said softly. He nodded and turned to leave, but stopped when she couldn't keep from adding, "But would it have been a bad thing to just let me enjoy my fantasy for tonight?"

He turned to face her again. "Yes, I think it would have been a bad thing," he told her softly. "The kids are having a difficult enough time accepting this…it doesn't help them for you to pretend this separation isn't happening."

Tears filled her eyes and she struggled to keep her voice steady. "OK." It was almost a whisper. "I…get it…and I'm…sorry. I'll leave you alone…I'll give you your…._space._ Thank you for the book. Thank you for dinner. Lock the door when you leave, please."

She didn't give him a chance to respond, but brushed past him and ran up the stairs, closing the bedroom door softly, but firmly behind her. She leaned her forehead against the door and listened for the sound of the front door opening and closing. Not wanting the children to hear her crying, she went to her bathroom and got into the shower, letting the water run over her until her sobs subsided.

* * *

The following Friday was busy in the ER. Annie moved from patient to patient, barely having time for a late lunch. When she returned from lunch, the triage nurse told her that there was a five year old girl needing an IV in room Three. She had climbed a fence at school, while chasing a ball. Before the teacher realized what she was doing, the girl had climbed to the top of the six foot fence. As the teacher watched, horrified and unable to reach her, she had toppled over the top and fallen to the cement on the other side of the fence. She had a broken arm and a large lump on the back of her head. They needed to check for a skull fracture and X-ray her arm, but the girl was in pain and hysterical. The paramedics had not been able to get an IV started and they wanted Annie to try. The girl's parents were not there yet; the school was trying to reach them. She had been accompanied by the principal of the school, and the school had a release from the parents on file giving them permission to authorize treatment.

Annie heard the girl crying loudly as she headed down the hall towards the room. Once there, she nodded to the principal, who was trying unsuccessfully to quiet the girl. Annie got a white stuffed bear out of a cabinet and took it to the girl. The girl quieted long enough for Annie to speak to her softly.

"Hi there. My name is Annie, what's yours?"

"C…C…Carrie," sniffed the girl, clutching the bear to her chest.

"Well, Carrie, this bear's name is Jenny and she needs a good home. Do you know where we could find a good home for her?"

The girl nodded. "I…I could take her home."

"Well, I think that is an excellent idea. Now, I want you to hold onto Jenny really tight, OK? You are going to feel a little prick…."

Before the girl could react, Annie had the IV in and quickly taped it in place. Carrie calmed down once they were able to give her some pain medicine. She was whisked off for an X-ray of her arm and a CT scan of her head, clutching the stuffed bear. When she returned to the ER, Annie explained that they were going to put a cast on her arm and was able to keep her calm while it was done. The CT scan showed a skull fracture with minimal bleeding. The doctor said that once the parents got there, they would admit her to the hospital overnight and repeat the CT scan in the morning, to make sure that there was no further bleeding. Because the girl seemed calmest when Annie was in the room, she agreed to stay with her until her parents got there. The principal told her that the school secretary had finally reached them and they were on their way.

Annie sat next to Carrie and talked to her while they waited. It had slowed down in the ER, and Annie was grateful. Carrie asked for a drink of water and Annie went to get it for her. She was holding the cup and walking towards the gurney when the door opened and the director said, "Oh Mr. and Mrs. Ramsey! I'm so glad you're here."

Annie turned towards the couple who walked in and froze, the cup of water slipping from her hand. It bounced on the floor and water sprayed up and around. She stood rooted to the spot, staring into the eyes of Martin Ramsey. He stared back, as shocked to see her as she was to see him.

Martin Ramsey. The man who had attacked her with a knife five years earlier, ending her pregnancy. Mrs. Ramsey had rushed to Carrie, not noticing that her husband and Annie were not speaking or moving.

"Mommy!" Carrie's voice sounded a long way off. "This is Nurse Annie and she gave me a bear, see? Her name is Jenny and Nurse Annie says she needs a good home and she thinks I will give her a good home. And Nurse Annie stuck my arm with a needle, but the needle isn't in my arm now, she says it's just a little plastic tube and the water is going in my arm and Nurse Annie gave me medicine to make me feel better because my head was hurting really bad and so was my arm…."

"I didn't know." Martin Ramsey finally spoke softly. "I'm sorry, I didn't know that you worked here. I…I…don't know what to say. Except I'm sorry." When Annie didn't answer he continued. "You probably don't want to hear this, but I'm better…I really am. I'm taking medication and I haven't had any more…episodes. I have a job, I'm home with my family. I…I…" He trailed off.

The principal was looking at them curiously and Mrs. Ramsey had finally looked at Annie. She gave a soft gasp when she realized who she was. Annie wanted nothing more than to run from the room. But as much as she wanted to get away from Martin Ramsey, she wanted even more not to bring any attention to herself. She shook her head to clear it.

"It's OK," she said softly. "I'm glad you're doing well. Please, I really don't want to talk about…anything. This is about your daughter." She took a deep breath and bent down to pick up the cup and clean the spilled water. She got another cup of water and, in as normal a voice as she could manage, she explained Carrie's injuries and that the doctor wanted her to stay overnight.

The doctor came in to talk to the parents and Annie slipped from the room. She asked another nurse to have an orderly take Carrie and her parents upstairs to the room where she would spend the night. She went to the bathroom and was grateful that it was empty as she slipped into a cubicle, slammed the door shut and locked it, and fell to her knees just as her stomach emptied itself. She knelt for what seem like hours, heaving until there was nothing left….and still she continued to heave. Sobs wracked her body and she continued kneeling with her head buried in her folded arms. Shaking, she pulled some toilet paper off the roll and wiped her eyes and her mouth, flushed the toilet, and sat down on the floor with her back against the door.

Carrie's face floated in her mind. She was five years old. The same age her child would be….if Martin Ramsey hadn't ended her life. She would be starting kindergarten this year. Just like Carrie. Annie was confused. She thought she had worked through all of this years ago. She thought she had forgiven Ramsey. Then why was she now filled with so much rage and fear and grief? She pulled her cell phone out of her pocket and with trembling fingers pushed the speed dial for Bobby's cell phone. Crying softly, she listened to the phone ring and then Bobby's voice came on with a message that he could not get to the phone and to leave a message after the beep.

Suddenly Annie didn't know what to say and hung up. What did she want from him? A repeat of the night Johnny died? Space…he wanted space…from her. What would he do if she called to tell him that she had just run into the man who attacked her years ago? Arrest him? Martin Ramsey hadn't done anything illegal…he had every right to be in this hospital with his daughter. Would Bobby rush to her side? Would he hold her and comfort her? Yes, she thought. He would do all those things…if she asked him to. She rested her forehead on her knees and wrapped her arms around her legs. Sitting there in a bathroom stall, she cried. When it felt like she had no more tears, she pulled more toilet paper off and wiped her face. Getting to her feet, she went out of the stall to a sink and splashed cold water on her face.

Her face was still red and puffy, but she hoped she wouldn't attract too much attention from her coworkers. She didn't want to talk about it. None of her coworkers had seen Ramsey back when it had all happened. It was so long ago that they probably wouldn't recognize his name. She went back to work, brushing off questions…telling those who asked that she was fine. Carrie Ramsey had been taken upstairs and Annie was grateful not to have to face Martin Ramsey again. She stayed as busy as she could until the end of her shift.

Several of the nurses were planning to go out for a drink after work and they invited Annie. Although she didn't drink, she sometimes went out with them just for fun. She was always the designated driver on those outings. She started to beg off tonight, wanting only to go home to nurse her battered heart. But instead she made a hasty decision and agreed to go.

"But tonight," she told them, "someone else will have to be the designated driver."

Annie made calls and arranged for the kids to spend the night with Janey and Rob. She and the other nurses changed out of their scrubs and into their regular clothes. By the time the group left there were eight people, including three doctors. Annie piled into a car driven by Dr. Stan Myers, who was one of the designated drivers for the night.

They arrived at the bar, one that had a dance floor, and took over a large table. Once her coworkers got over the shock that Annie was planning to have a drink, she was inundated with advice on what to order. She decided to try something she had seen Bobby order, a Glenlivit. But one sip was all she could get down. The group laughed at the face she made and Stan told her that he would finish it; it would be the one drink he allowed himself for the night. Next Annie tried something she had seen Alex ordering, a Vodka Martini. This one she liked better and she sipped it slowly.

Unused to alcohol, before she finished the first drink she felt a faint fogginess settle around her brain, not an unpleasant feeling. She began to relax and enjoy the conversations and laughter around her. She had only intended to have one drink, but another one appeared and she sipped it. She laughed along with the others as they each told stories from the ER. Someone started music on the jukebox and a few people went out to the dance floor. Watching Annie sway in time to the music, Stan asked her to dance and she went with him. She lost track of drinks and dances….there was always a drink on the table in front of her when she sat down.

* * *

Mike slid into the booth next to Sarah as the waitress waited to take their order; red wine for Sarah, a scotch for Mike. They had been to dinner and a movie and decided to stop for a drink. Mike told her that this bar had a dance floor, promising her a dance. He put his arm around her and pulled her close as they waited for their drinks. She was laughing as she told him a story about an incident that had happened in the library earlier in the day. She was so beautiful when she laughed that he couldn't resist reaching over to kiss her on the temple. They sat and talked while they sipped their drinks and watched others in the bar. Their attention was drawn to a large group at a table on the other side of the small dance floor. They weren't too disruptive, but they were obviously having a good time, their laughter carrying through the bar.

"Mike, is that….is that Annie?" Sarah drew his attention from the group at the table.

"Annie Paine? Where?"

"There, on the dance floor," she pointed to a couple dancing slowly.

"Nah..I don't…." he looked again as the song ended and the couple turned towards the large table. "Well, yeah….I guess it is."

"I thought Annie didn't drink," Sarah said, watching Annie sit down and lift a martini glass to her lips.

"Yeah…me too," Mike told her.

They watched in silence as Annie finished off whatever was in the glass and the man next to her signaled the waitress to bring another. The man had pulled his chair very close to Annie's and had draped an arm across the back of her chair. He leaned close to her and whispered something in her ear, causing her to giggle. His arm moved to her shoulders, his hand caressing her. Annie's laughter drifted across the room as the man again whispered in her ear. Then they got up and headed for the dance floor.

"Mike, she's drunk," Sarah exclaimed, watching Annie stumble and the man catch her and pull her close to him.

"Looks that way," Mike agreed.

"We should do something. I don't like the way that guy is man-handling her," Sarah said.

"It's really none of our business, Sarah. And besides, she and Goren are separated…,maybe she's dating."

"Well dating is one thing, but that guy…I think he's deliberately getting her drunk. Mike," she turned to him and looked at him imploringly, "we can't just watch her get taken advantage of. We have to do something."

Mike grinned at her. "And what would you suggest we do? You want me to go over there, throw her over my shoulder, and carry her out of here?"

"Yes," Sarah didn't smile back, but looked at him earnestly.

"You're serious?" He looked at her incredulously.

"I'm serious," she said firmly.

He sighed and looked back at Annie. It looked to him like she could barely stand up, she was leaning heavily on her dance partner, and he seemed to be enjoying it. Mike shook his head and pulled out his cell phone.

"Well, I'm not gonna start a bar brawl when I don't even know if she needs help. But I will call her husband and let him figure out what to do."

* * *

It was after one in the morning, but Bobby was still awake. He had the TV on, but the sound was off, as he sat in the comfortable chair. He was reading and wishing he could just go to sleep when his cell phone rang. Calls at this time of night usually meant he was going to work and he picked it up, expecting to see the name of either Eames or Ross to show on the small screen. He was surprised to see, instead, Logan.

"Goren," he answered.

"Hey Goren, this is Mike Logan. I…uh….I'm sorry to disturb you so late, and I know it's none of my business. But…uh…I just thought you…would want to know…."

"Know about what, Logan?"

"Um…Sarah and I are at a bar and there's….well, Annie's here."

"Annie?"

"Yeah….and the thing is…well, she's drunk."

"Drunk? No, you're wrong…Annie doesn't drink. She's probably with some people from work and she's the designated driver."

"Look, I know this sounds….Goren, she _is_ drunk. She's so drunk she can barely stand up. And…well, there's some guy here dancing with her….and I think…well, I think he's not too disappointed that she's blitzed."

Bobby knew this had to be a mistake; it just didn't make any sense. Annie had never even had a drink of alcohol in her life. But Logan seemed certain, so Bobby got the name of the bar and told him he would be there soon. Twenty minutes later, he walked into the bar and located Logan and Sarah. He greeted them and Mike nodded towards a large table.

"She's with them."

Bobby recognized nurses and a few doctors from the ER. Then his attention was riveted on a couple on the dance floor. Her back was to him, but it was Annie alright. She was dancing with one of the doctors she worked with…Myers, he thought the name was. Shock went through him as he watched his wife dancing with another man. He couldn't make his brain accept that she had been drinking, yet watching her he could see that she was barely able to stand. She was leaning heavily on Myers as they danced to a slow song. Her arms were on his shoulders, but it was his arms that seemed to be holding her up. It was surreal to see another man's hands caressing her back, slipping down to cup her buttocks. Myers' eyes were closed and his head lowered with his mouth near Annie's ear. He was whispering to her and Bobby saw him drop a kiss on her ear.

"Thanks man," he told Logan and walked around the dance floor to the table with Annie's coworkers. None of them had seen him approaching and there were several gasps as he suddenly loomed over them.

"What's she drinking," he asked without bothering to greet them. Silence met him as everyone at the table turned to look up at him. "What is she drinking," he repeated slowly.

One nurse pointed to a martini glass. "Vodka Martinis," she said.

"How many has she had?"

She shrugged apologetically. "I don't know. A lot."

"You know she's never had anything to drink, right? You all just sat here and watched her get drunk?"

Someone said, "Yeah, we know…we just didn't expect her to drink so much."

"Where's her car?"

"It's at the hospital. We wouldn't have let her drive. Dr. Myers is one of the designated drivers…he'll be taking her home."

Bobby snorted in derision. "Yeah, I don't think so. Where's her purse?"

One of the women reached under the table and pulled Annie's purse out, handing it to Bobby. He tucked the purse under his arm and walked out on the dance floor. Neither Annie nor Myers noticed him…no wonder, he thought. Annie's eyes were closed.

"Annie," he said softly. Myers' eyes opened and widened slightly at seeing Annie's husband standing behind her. Annie raised her head and took a step back, turning to face Bobby. Any question about her sobriety was put to rest as Bobby watched her stumble slightly as she turned and he saw her eyes trying to focus on his face.

"Bobby?" A slow smile spread across her face when she finally recognized him. "Hi, Babe." She withdrew her arms from Myers and took a step towards Bobby. He caught her around her waist as she stumbled and pulled her away from her dance partner.

"It's time to go home," he said softly. He tightened his arm around her waist and began to steer her toward the door.

"Home? But we're dancing….Dance with me, Babe," her words were slurred, and she reached up to try and pull Bobby into an embrace. He transferred her purse to the hand that was around her waist and used his free hand to redirect her.

"No more dancing tonight. You need to go home."

Dr. Myers had been too shocked to see Bobby to say anything, but now he found his voice. "Look, if she wants to stay it'll be fine. I'll make sure she gets home safe."

Bobby glanced at him. "Yeah…not gonna happen, man. She's going home now."

As Bobby once again began to direct Annie off the dance floor, Dr. Myers moved to stand in front of them. "I know you two are separated, so I don't think you're in a position to issue orders to her. If she wants to stay, she can stay."

Watching the drama on the dance floor from his booth, Mike stood up, preparing to help Goren if need be. But he sat back down as it became clear that the big detective had everything under control. Everything except his wife, that is.

Bobby fixed Dr. Myers with an intense stare. "Look, Doctor, you and Annie are going to have to work together after tonight and it would be better if there's nothing uncomfortable between you. Like you trying to get into her bed while she's too drunk to either refuse or give consent, or her husband flattening you in front of a roomful of people."

Myers looked at him for a moment, then stepped aside. Bobby began maneuvering Annie off the dance floor once again. A process made more difficult by Annie trying to squirm away. But she was no match for his size and strength, with his arm firmly around her….and especially in her compromised condition. As they drew close to the booth where Mike and Sarah were watching their progress, Bobby stopped.

"Thanks again for calling me, Logan."

"Anytime."

Annie tried to focus on Mike and Sarah, as well as on Bobby's words. Understanding slowly seeped into her brain.

"You called him? You called him to come and drag me out of here?" She tried to push away from Bobby, but his arm around her felt like steel.

Mike nodded his head. "Yeah, Annie," he said softly. "I called him. It looked like you needed….some help."

"Well, thanks so much…_Logan,_" she said sarcastically. Before either man could react, Annie reached over and tipped Mike's glass of scotch over, spilling it into his lap.

"Crap!" Mike jumped up as Bobby roughly pushed Annie away so she couldn't reach him again. Sarah grabbed a handful of napkins and began to clean up the spilled alcohol.

"What is the matter with you," Bobby roared at Annie. He turned back and said, "Logan, I'm sorry…I…"

Logan waved him off and chuckled. "Don't worry about it, Goren. You better get her home."

Bobby nodded. He tightened is arm around her even more and half-dragged her towards the door. At his car, she tried briefly to resist getting in, but finally gave in, almost collapsing into the passenger seat of the Mustang. She glared at him as he got into the driver's seat, then turned her head away to stare sullenly out of the window. By the time he pulled into the driveway, she was asleep, snoring softly. Bobby shook her awake and helped her out of the car, hoping she would wake up enough to get inside the house. He wasn't sure his knee could take carrying her up the stairs.

She didn't resist now, leaning heavily against him for support and stumbling up the steps to the front door. She laid her head against him and closed her eyes as he unlocked the front door. Once inside, he asked her, "Where are the kids tonight, Annie?"

"Janey's," she mumbled softly. Bobby guided her towards the stairs and then up. It took ten long minutes to maneuver her up the stairs and into the bedroom. He stood next to the bed, holding her against him, debating whether to leave her in her clothes or to try to pull them off and get a nightgown on her. Leaning the length of her body against his, Annie began to nuzzle her face against his chest. Her arms came up and around his waist and she pushed herself more firmly against him.

Bobby leaned down to pull the covers of the bed back and Annie reached up to cup his cheek and pull his face towards her. She pressed her lips against his. He didn't open his mouth to her kiss, but he didn't pull away, either. "Bobby," she whispered against him, and traced her tongue along his bottom lip, then pushed against him to open his mouth. Knowing it was a mistake Bobby opened his mouth and allowed her tongue to explore softly. He tightened his arms around her and returned her kiss. He heard her moan softly and felt her body, soft and pliant, against his. He lowered her to the bed and she pulled him down with her. Turning to her side to face him, she again sought his mouth and pushed herself against him. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her hips firmly against his. Annie moved to softly kiss his neck, burying her face against him and inhaling his scent.

"You smell so good," she moaned. "So much better than that robe."

Bobby closed his hand around her French braid and gently tugged her head back so he could look down into her eyes. "What robe," he asked softly.

"Your robe, silly," she giggled. Her eyes closed and her head lolled back against the pillow.

"Where is my robe, Annie?"

"In the closet, of course," she murmured. He felt her body go limp as she fell fast asleep.

Or passed out, he realized. He lay watching her for a few moments, and then disentangled himself and got up. He pulled her shoes off and covered her with the blankets. He stood over her, watching her for several minutes, and then walked over to the closet. He looked up at the shelf in the top of the closet and moved some boxes and stacks of blankets. Behind a pile of blankets he found a zippered clear plastic storage bag that blankets came in. Inside was his robe. The white terry cloth robe that he had not seen since moving out four months earlier. He had asked Annie several times if she had seen it and each time she said no.

"You smell better than that robe," she had said. He opened the zipper and lifted the robe out, holding it to his face and inhaling. Because he was used to his own scent, it didn't really smell like much to him. But he realized that she had put it in this bag so that his scent would stay on it. He rubbed the back of his neck as fresh guilt stabbed him, thinking about Annie pulling this robe out of her closet periodically, trying to keep him close by keeping his scent close. He put the robe back in the bag and returned it to where he had found it.

His head had begun to throb. Going into the bathroom, he opened the medicine cabinet to get some aspirin. As he reached for the bottle, his hand brushed against another container, a round disk. Pulling it out, Bobby looked at it curiously. He recognized the packaging, but hadn't seen it in Annie's medicine cabinet in years. But it was no mistake. These were birth control pills. He frowned in concentration and looked at the label. These were Annie's, filled two months ago. But why? She had stopped taking birth control pills years ago, saying they always made her feel slightly queasy. When she became pregnant five years ago, Bobby had a vasectomy. They hadn't needed birth control since.

So why would she need them now? Especially since he moved out four months ago. The image of Annie dancing with Dr. Stan Myer was suddenly vivid in his mind, as well as the image of the doctor's hands roaming over her back and buttocks. Was Annie….sleeping with Myers? Even as the thought entered, he rejected it. Annie would never do that. But….he had no explanation for her drinking, for these birth control pills.

Bobby put the package back and took some aspirin for his headache. She was still sound asleep when he walked back into the bedroom. Pulling a blanket out of the closet, he looked at her one more time, before going downstairs to sleep on the couch.

**End Chapter 7**

14


	8. Chapter 8

**DECONSTRUCTION**

_Hang on guys…Bobby and Annie are about to hit bottom. : (_

_Thank you to Judyg for beta'ing and to both Judy and Flashymom for reminding me of what is important in the world of five year old girls._

**CHAPTER 8**

_I__'__m watching Annie sleep. She has kicked the covers off and is sprawled in the middle of the bed. Her hair is coming loose from the braid and strands are stuck to her cheek and forehead. Light is streaming in the window and slanting across her body. I didn__'__t sleep well on the couch last night and finally came back upstairs to sit on the love seat and watch Annie. _

_Nothing about last night makes any sense. I knew that Logan was wrong about Annie being drunk…until I got to the bar and saw her for myself. Then there was the very unfamiliar sensation of jealousy as I watched her dancing with Myers. Of course she has danced with other men when we were out with a group. But my religious, shy, conservative wife would never lean so intimately against another man, or allow him to touch her with such familiarity. I could blame it on her inebriated state, but alcohol doesn't explain the birth control pills in her bathroom. Drinking may have been a spur of the moment decision, for whatever reason, but she has been taking those birth control pills for at least two months. Three actions that, taken together, keep leading me to the same __implausible explanation. _

_She stirs as the room brightens with sunlight, throwing her arm over her face and moaning softly. Then she rolls from the bed and stumbles to the bathroom, not even seeing me. I listen to the sounds of her being sick and remember all the times I've heard those same sounds during her pregnancies and, more recently, while she was taking the HIV medications. Hangover. I close my eyes for a moment. What is happening to Annie? _

_So many times in the last four months I have wanted to come home. But once my mother was diagnosed with lymphoma, I knew I couldn't. If Annie was persistent in her efforts to convince me to allow her see my mother before I left, she would certainly become relentless now. I simply don't have the energy to deal with Annie's fears or her anger at being left out of the loop. Sighing, I stand up and go to get water and aspirin. For her hangover. _

* * *

Stabbing pain was Annie's first awareness of consciousness. She could feel as much as see light spilling into the room from behind her closed lids. Her mouth was dry and felt like cotton, and tasted like….something much worse. Nausea was lurking around the edges, threatening to roil over to full-blown vomiting at any moment. She covered her eyes with an arm, moaning at the movement. With her arm providing some protection from the light, she carefully opened her eyes. The light caused the pain in her head to throb even more. Slowly she looked around. She was in her bed, in her bedroom, but had no memory of how she had gotten there. She tried to remember what happened. But before she could explore her befuddled memories, she suddenly realized she was not going to avoid being sick. She stumbled from the bed, groaning again at the pain and dizziness the movement caused, ran into the bathroom, and fell, more than knelt, over the toilet just as her stomach forcefully emptied itself for the second time in twenty-four hours.

When nothing more came up and the heaving finally slowed and then stopped, she flushed the toilet and carefully pulled herself up to the sink. She splashed cold water on her face and brushed her teeth. That helped the horrible taste in her mouth, but didn't eliminate it. She leaned with her hands on the counter and closed her eyes, trying to stop the room from spinning and to stop the nausea that was still there in spite of having thrown up. Finally she took a deep breath and stood up carefully. She walked slowly and unsteadily back into the bedroom, surprised to see Bobby there, sitting on the love seat. She made her way to the chest that sat at the foot of the bed and lowered herself to sit on it.

"What are you doing here?" Her voice was soft.

"I brought you home last night," Bobby told her. "You don't remember?"

She shook her head no and instantly regretted it as the movement caused the room to spin even faster. She closed her eyes and put her hands on either side of her, trying to stay upright. She heard Bobby moving to stand in front of her and opened her eyes to look up at him. He had a glass of water in one hand and two aspirin in the other, holding them out to her. She took them from him and swallowed them, waiting a moment to see if her stomach was going to rebel and send them back up. They stayed down and she handed the glass back to him. He set it on the dresser.

"You, uh, you were pretty drunk last night," Bobby said, running his hand over the back of his neck. "Want to talk about that?"

Annie nodded her head. "When…how did you come to bring me home?" She tried to search her memory for an explanation, but was coming up blank.

"Logan and Sarah were at that bar and saw you. Logan called me."

A faint memory of seeing Mike and Sarah sitting in a booth loomed. "Did I…"

"Yeah, you dumped a drink on him," Bobby told her. "You were pretty angry about being taken out of that bar, away from your buddy, Dr. Myers."

"Dr. Myers?" She had a flash of memory of dancing with the doctor.

"Yeah," Bobby folded his arms and leaned against the wall. "You were dancing with him all night, from what I hear. And from what I saw, you and he had plans for more than dancing."

Annie looked up at him in bewilderment. "What are you talking about?"

"Sex, Annie. I'm talking about sex. What was the plan? Were you going to bring him back here? Is that why the kids are at Janey's? Was he planning to stay all night or was he going to leave as soon as you…finished?"

Annie stared at him, trying to follow his questions, but none of it was making any sense. "I don't know what you're talking about," she said.

"Really? I saw you dancing with him, Annie. His hands were all over you. He looked like it wouldn't take much encouragement for him to just throw you down on the floor right then and there."

Anger was beginning to fight with bewilderment for supremacy. "That's ridiculous!"

"Is it? You've never had a drink before in your life, and then suddenly you go out last night and get so drunk you can barely walk. There must have been a reason."

"There was," she said softly, looking at the floor. "But…I…I wasn't going to…"

"To what? Sleep with the doctor? It looked like he was expecting to end his evening in your bed."

"Stop it!" She stood up and walked towards the door. But Bobby closed it before she could leave the room. She turned around to face him, with her back against the door. "I'm not going to talk to you when you're like this. Whatever I had planned is none of your business anyway!"

He stood in front of her, close but not touching. "It _is_ my business when it affects my kids. They are right next door…and could have come in here any time and found the good doctor here. How do you think they would have felt? You don't have any right to confuse them any more than they already are right now!"

"Confuse them? I'm not allowed to call their father because that will confuse them. And I'm not allowed to see my friends because that might confuse them? What is it I'm supposed to do, Bobby, curl up into a ball in this room and wait for you to decide if we have a marriage or not?"

"They need stability right now, Annie. They need to feel safe."

"Stability? Safety? I'm not the one who left! I'm not the reason obsessed serial killers are showing up at _your childrens'_ home!"

Bobby's face darkened with anger. "Obsessed? Really? You want to talk about obsessed?!" He turned and went to the closet. Her eyes widened when he pulled a plastic bag from the shelf. He pulled his bathrobe from the bag and held it up to her. "How's this for obsessed? You hide my robe, you lie to me about having it." He tossed the robe onto the bed and went back to stand in front of her.

She couldn't meet his gaze. "I…I…obsessed? I'm not obsessed, Bobby," she said softly, looking down at his feet. "I'm your wife."

He put his hands on either side of her head and leaned his head close to hers. Softly he asked, "What were you doing, Annie? Did you lie in bed at night with my robe, inhaling my scent, while you masturbated?"

She gasped and felt her face burn with embarrassment. She covered her face with her hands. "Don't…"

"Don't what? It's true, isn't it? I had a missed call from you yesterday. What was it you wanted? Another booty call?" Annie wanted to disappear. This was the first time either of them had mentioned the night she showed up at his apartment. Bobby continued, speaking so softly she had to strain to hear him, although his mouth was next to her ear. "Is that why you decided to get drunk last night? Because I wasn't available and you needed to find someone else?"

"Stop," she pleaded through her tears.

"C'mon Annie. You already broke the rule about no meat, now you've broken the one about no alcohol. Were you ready to break the no sex rule as well?"

She couldn't speak, shaking her head no as sobs came from behind her hands.

"Did you need to get drunk to get over that last hurdle? Did that make it easier to plan your night with the good doctor?"

"Stop it. Please, please stop," she whispered.

"Was being drunk going to make it easier to let another man see your scars?"

Annie's head snapped back so quickly, she almost hit his head with hers. She stared up at him, her eyes wide with disbelief and her face drained of color. She put a hand on his chest and tried to push him away, but she couldn't budge him.

"Please," she pleaded. "I..I'm going to be sick."

He dropped his hands and stepped back. She glanced up at him briefly before nearly running to the bathroom. She took the time to slam and lock the door before kneeling once again over the toilet. There was nothing left in her stomach, but still she heaved as bitter bile came up. She was sobbing uncontrollably, her body wracked with spasms. Images of the scars left on her body by Martin Ramsey's attack flashed through her mind, especially the way they had looked in the beginning; angry red slashes against her fair skin. Then images of Martin Ramsey's face replaced them. All the rage and fear from the day before flooded through her. The vomiting and sobs finally began to subside, leaving her crying softly as she continued to cling to the toilet. She could hear Bobby's voice on the other side of the door; soft, apologetic.

"Annie," he said. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean…let me in, Babe."

"Get out," she yelled at the door. "Get out of this house! Get out of my life!"

She continued crying and ignored the knocking and Bobby's conciliatory voice. Finally he said quietly, "OK, I'll leave. I'm going to get the kids and take them home with me. I'll bring them back tomorrow evening after we go to see my mother." There was a pause and then, "Annie…I'm sorry."

She didn't answer and there was silence for a few moments before she heard his footsteps moving through the room, the door opening, his steps going down the stairs. She lay down on the floor, her cheek pressed against the cold tile. She stayed there for a long time, waiting to see if Bobby came back…or if she was going to be sick again.

Finally she pulled herself up to the sink. Leaning her hands on the counter, she looked at herself in the mirror and was shocked to see someone she barely recognized looking back. Her pale skin was puffy with red blotches. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying. Her hair had come loose from the neat French braid she had put it in before going to work the day before, and strands stood up at odd angles.

Suddenly she saw what Bobby must have seen. A hung-over, middle-aged woman, obsessed with a man who clearly didn't want her. She closed her eyes for a moment, thinking that she was tired of crying. It seemed like she had done nothing but cry in the four months since Bobby left. And for months before he left.

Opening her eyes, she turned the water on in the sink, brushed her teeth and rinsed with mouthwash. Stripping her clothes off and dropping them into the hamper, she stepped into the shower and turned the water on as hot as she could stand it. She stood under the stinging hot spray, washing her hair and her body several times to try and get the stench of stale alcohol and vomit off of her. She dressed in jeans and sweater, pulled her long hair back in a pony-tail, and went downstairs. She wasn't hungry, but forced herself to eat some crackers and drink a little juice, waiting to see if it was going to stay down.

Back upstairs, she pulled the sheets and blankets off the bed, putting clean ones on. She looked at the robe that Bobby had tossed onto the bed and finally threw it into the pile of linens to be washed. She took them downstairs and washed the sheets, the blankets, and finally the bathrobe. Annie stood holding the robe to her as the washing machine filled with water. Burying her face in it one last time, she inhaled Bobby's lingering scent, and then tossed it into the machine. While the washing machine and dryer ran, she busied herself cleaning. She scrubbed the house from top to bottom, finishing late into the night. As she carried the clean laundry to put it away upstairs, she paused in the living room. Lifting Bobby's clean and folded bathrobe from the top, she held it to her face and inhaled the new scent from the fabric softener. She set it down on a table near the door and continued upstairs. Changing into pajamas, Annie finally fell into bed, exhausted.

* * *

Tom stood in the doorway of his daughter's room, as Alex read "The Ballet Shoes". His son, deciding twelve was too old to be read to anymore, was in his own room. Watching Alex's honey gold hair next to Mandy's dark hair, he felt a little twist in his heart. Alex was so good with children; she'd had lots of practice with her nieces and nephews. She had even had the experience of pregnancy and childbirth. But still there were no children who called Alex "Mommy". Tom hadn't given any thought to having more children; Mandy and Aaron were eight and twelve. Two children were enough. For him. But he was suddenly filled with a desire to see Alex holding her own child. His child.

He was quiet as Alex finished the chapter and kissed Mandy's forehead. He moved to her bedside and leaned down to kiss her and tuck her in. He followed Alex into the living room, getting a cup of coffee for her as she settled onto the couch. But he didn't sit down next to her; he paced around the room as Alex watched him curiously. Tom stopped abruptly in front of her.

"Marry me, Alex."

Alex choked on the sip of coffee she had just taken and looked up at him in astonishment. He towered over her with his hands on his hips as she set her coffee cup on the table next to her and used tissues to dab her shirt where the coffee hand landed. She looked up and realized he was waiting for an answer.

"What did you say?" Maybe she had misunderstood him.

"I said, 'Marry me, Alex.'"

No, she hadn't misunderstood; that's what he said, alright.

"Wh…where did this come from? We haven't even talked about marriage," she told him.

Tom knelt in front of her and took her hand, placing it over his heart.

"It's coming from here," he said softly. "I want to marry you, Alex. I want to wake up every morning and see you next to me in the bed. I want to watch your hair turn gray and wrinkles form and know that you will always be the most beautiful woman in the world. I want to spend the next fifty or sixty years being amazed that you are in love with me. I want to tell our grandchildren about the exploits of the best cop in the NYPD." He paused for a moment, his hazel eyes searching her face. "I want _you_, Alex Eames.

Alex couldn't speak for a moment, over the tightness in her chest and lump in her throat.

"Tom," she finally whispered. "I…I don't think I'm ready for marriage. Not yet."

A warm smile slowly spread across his face and he released her hand. Leaning forward he braced himself with a hand on either side of her on the couch. He covered her mouth with his and gently pushed her head back against the sofa cushions.

"OK," he murmured against her lips. "Then I'll be right here when you _are_ ready."

* * *

Annie woke up just after 8:00 AM, feeling better. After showering and getting dressed, she made herself a light breakfast, and then found Mike Logan's phone number. Taking a deep breath, she dialed.

"Hello?"

"Mike…it's Annie."

"Annie…Hi! How are you?"

"I'm fine." She hesitated a moment and then asked, "Am I disturbing you?"

"No, not at all. I'm just getting ready for a big date."

"Oh…I don't want to make you late for Sarah."

"Actually, this date isn't with Sarah."

"Oh…" She wasn't sure what to say to that.

Mike chuckled. "Jia Li and I are going to the zoo, just the two of us."

"Oh," Annie laughed. "Well, I definitely don't want to make you late for that." She took a deep breath. "Mike….I just called to….apologize. For the other night."

"Don't worry about it, Annie. Are you OK?"

"Yes…I…." She sighed. "I am so sorry for dumping that drink on you. Please let me have your suit cleaned."

"No need," Mike told her with a laugh. "Believe it or not, you are not the first beautiful woman to dump a drink on me."

She laughed with him. "I'll let you go now, so you can get ready for your big date." She hesitated a moment before adding, "Mike….thank you. For…you know…calling Bobby."

"Well, it looked like you needed some help."

"Yeah, I did. So….thank you."

"Anytime, Annie, anytime."

Next she called the hospital and found that Carrie Ramsey had been kept one more night and would be discharged sometime that morning. It suddenly occurred to her that she had left her SUV at the hospital before going to the bar. She tried to think of who she could call to take her to get it. Looking idly outside, she was surprised to see it sitting in the driveway. She realized that Bobby must have found a way to go pick it up before she woke up the day before.

Annie got her purse and drove to the hospital. Going up to Carrie's room, she stepped quietly inside, her heart pounding. Carrie saw her and her face lit up.

"Nurse Annie! I get to go home today. But my head still hurts and the doctor says I have to take medicine. When it hurts, I hug Jenny and she helps me."

Annie smiled at her. "I'm glad to hear that Carrie. I knew you and Jenny were going to be good friends." She turned to Martin Ramsey. He stood up when she entered and both he and his wife were watching her carefully. "Mr. Ramsey," she said. "Can I talk to you outside for just a minute? Please?"

He followed her out to the hallway. Turning to face him, Annie forced herself to look at him. "It was….a shock…seeing you the other day. I wasn't prepared, and I…well…it was just a shock." She shook her head when he opened his mouth to say something. "Please let me finish; this isn't easy." He waited for her to go on. "I knew back…..then that you weren't responsible for what you did and I talked to the DA about a plea bargain because it was obvious. And I really thought I had gotten past all my feelings about you and about….my baby." She paused to compose herself. "I realized when I saw you the other day that I still had some feelings to deal with. But it's for me to deal with; it's between me and God. I want you to know that I'm glad you are doing so well. I'm glad you are back with your family…back with your….little girl. And I want you to know….that….I forgive you."

Ramsey was silent for a moment, fighting back tears. Finally he nodded and said softly, "Thank you. I wish that I could give you a reason for what I did. But…it seemed so real to me. In my mind I saw you poison the food. But," he said, sighing, "there isn't anything I can say, no excuse I could offer, that would lessen the pain and suffering of what I did to you. Sorry seems so inadequate a word…almost insulting. But I _am_ sorry, Ms. Paine….more than I can possibly say."

Annie took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment. She nodded wordlessly and went to tell Carrie goodbye. Back at the house, her cell phone rang. It was Bobby and she let it go to voice mail. After listening to a message telling her when he would bring the children home, she sat down and wrote a note.

_Dear Bobby,_

_With all that has happened we both need some "space". I think it would be best to limit our contact with one another. We can arrange for you to pick up and drop off the children when I'm not home. Let the kids know that I will be home soon with dinner for them. _

_Your bathrobe has been washed and is ready for you to take with you. I'm sorry that I kept it for so long and that I lied to you._

_Annie_

She folded the note and put it in an envelope, wrote _Bobby_ on the front, and laid the envelope gently on top of the folded bathrobe. Picking up her purse, she left the house and drove away.

* * *

Mike Logan had learned many things about the world of five year old girls in the last four months. Among them: there is no such thing as too much pink, too much glitter, or too many stuffed animals; tea parties are serious business and are to be treated with respect, even if he couldn't see anything in the tiny cup Jia Li handed to him; Tinkerbell is just as important as Peter Pan, maybe more so; and talking was not just a means of communication, it seemed to be as much of an autonomic response as blinking….if Jia Li was awake, she was talking.

As he walked into the Central Park Zoo with Jia Li's small hand firmly in his, he wasn't sure if he was more nervous about spending the day with her, or about what his partner and his girlfriend might be discussing while they had lunch. But he didn't have time to dwell on either fear as Jia Li excitedly asked if they could see the polar bears and then go to watch the penguins being fed, followed by the sea lion and then the harbor seal feedings. She kept up a continuous chatter, pausing only for an occasional gasp of awe at the animals.

They ate lunch at the café, and then headed for the Children's Zoo. Mike knew that this was not Jia Li's first visit to the zoo, but that did nothing to dim her enthusiasm as they explored the many hands-on exhibits. As he watched her and the other children, interacting with the animals in the petting zoo, he thought about the arrest he and Wheeler had made recently on a playground.

"Kids…great," he said to his partner when they located Goro using the playground equipment to work out, surrounded by playing children. Goro was a dangerous, violent man and as Mike approached him, the image of Jia Li playing on playground equipment came to him. Although Goro was dangerous to those who he believed violated some code of his own, he had no inclination to harm innocent children, and the arrest had been peaceful. But the realization that there was now a child in his life who triggered a very protective emotion left Mike Logan shaken.

They returned to the Wildlife Center where Jia Li was enchanted by the red pandas, snow monkeys, kangaroos, snow owls, and the spectacular plumage of the birds in the Tropic Zone. Next they went to the new snow leopard exhibit, watching the graceful cats from behind glass. All of the children present were excited when one of the keepers set a pumpkin, carved into a jack o'lantern, into one area of the enclosure and then released the leopards into that area so they could explore.

Jia Li clapped her hands and laughed as one of the adult leopards and a cub approached the pumpkin. The adult reached out a large paw and tentatively touched it, then pushed it harder, causing it to roll off of the rock. The cub tumbled after the pumpkin as it rolled down a slight incline. The adult cat sat next to the pumpkin and used a paw to roll it back and forth as he sniffed and then bit it. He continued to roll the pumpkin back and forth and then lay down and held it between his paws as he chewed on an edge. The cub pounced on the pumpkin and rolled away, springing up to pounce again. Mike noticed that Jia Li was standing on her tiptoes, trying to see the leopards, so he reached down and picked her up to give her a better view. Insinuating himself between the adult and the pumpkin, the cub wrapped his front paws around the pumpkin and kicked at it with his hind paws. The adult didn't release his grip on the pumpkin but moved one paw to rest it briefly on the cub, looking like an indulgent parent.

It suddenly occurred to Mike that for the first time all day, Jia Li was silent. He looked at her and saw an expression of wonder on her face as she watched the leopards. With one arm around his neck, she reached out with her other hand and placed it on the glass.

"'Tective Mike," she said so softly he had to strain to hear her over the voices and laughter of the other children. "Is that a daddy leopard?"

Mike looked back at the leopard and cub. "I don't know, Jia Li..why don't we ask?" Glancing around, he saw one of the keepers standing nearby, answering questions. "Is that a male or female with the cub," he asked.

"That's Chocolate, our male, and the father of the cub," she answered.

"So," he said to Jia Li, "that _is_ a daddy leopard, after all."

She kept her hand on the glass as she silently watched the cats playing with the pumpkin. He wasn't sure why, but this moment lay heavy with significance between them. Even the noise around them seemed to fade into a dim murmur. For long minutes Mike stood holding Jia Li as the leopards rolled and played and ripped the pumpkin to shreds. Finally, she dropped her hand from the glass and turned to look solemnly into his eyes for a moment before her smile slowly returned. Mike was fascinated by the change in her demeanor and wondered what prompted it.

"That was fun," she said.

"Yeah, it was," Mike agreed as he lowered her to the ground.

Jia Li slipped her hand back into his and they turned away from the snow leopard exhibit. They walked to the Central Garden and sat down on a bench surrounded by lush foliage. Jia Li sat quietly next to him for several minutes and then turned to face him, her dark eyes deep with some emotion he didn't understand.

"Want to know a secret, 'Tective Mike?"

Mike wasn't sure he wanted to know a secret that had the power to sober the exuberant little girl. But somehow it felt as though she were extending her trust to him as a precious gift. He found himself answering, "Sure Jia Li…what is it?"

"I don't 'member my Daddy," she said softly. She looked at him expectantly, waiting for his reaction.

"You don't?" He asked neutrally.

"No," she said sadly, shaking her head. "Mommy shows me pictures and tells me stories. But I don't 'member him." She paused for a moment, looking at him. "I don't tell Mommy 'cause I don't want her to be sad again."

"Again? When was Mommy sad?"

"She used to be sad lots…she smiled and laughed, but I could tell she was sad. She used to cry when she showed me pictures of Daddy."

"And she doesn't cry now?"

Jia Li shook her head. "Not anymore. Now she smiles when she shows me pictures and it's….not sad anymore." Jia Li smiled at him. "And she sings in the shower now." Then turning sober again she added, "But if I tell Mommy that I don't 'member Daddy, maybe that will make her sad again."

Mike was uncomfortable. Child psychology wasn't his field and he was suddenly afraid of saying the wrong thing and causing permanent psychological damage to this little girl. He thought about Elizabeth Olivet for a moment, remembering the simple, straight forward way she spoke with him on the occasions he had sought her help.

"Does it make _you_ sad that you don't remember your daddy?" Mike held his breath, hoping that was the right thing to ask.

"Yeah…." she said slowly. "I wish I 'membered him. And I wish….."

"What do you wish, Jia Li," Mike asked as she hesitated.

"Wellll…..all my friends have daddies…..sometimes they don't live with their daddies, but they get to go spend the night with them and go places with them. And…." Suddenly Mike knew exactly where this was going and realized how inadequate he felt to be the confidante of a five year old girl. She looked up at him and continued. "I just wish that….that I had a daddy."

Mike nodded at her, lost for an answer for a moment. "Yeah…well….you do have your Grandpa, though….and your Uncle Jimmy?"

She smiled shyly. "I have _two_ Grandpas. And Uncle Jimmy. And Uncle Aaron. And Miss Annie says that God is my daddy. But….."

"But?" Mike prompted.

"Well….God is up in heaven, and Miss Annie hasn't taken me to church for a long time anyway. And Mommy calls Grandpa 'Daddy'. And my cousins call Uncle Aaron 'Daddy'. And Mommy's cousins call Uncle Jimmy 'Daddy'. And…..I don't have anyone to call Daddy." She sighed. "I just want a daddy all my very own."

Mike nodded soberly. "You know…it's OK to want a daddy." She looked up at him intently. "And it's OK that you don't remember your own daddy…you were just a baby when he died. I think that maybe you should talk to your Mommy about all this."

"But I don't want to make her sad again."

Mike smiled at the little girl. "It will make her sad because you're sad. But you know what, Jia Li?"

"What?"

"Sometimes when you talk about things like this….you aren't so sad anymore. And I know that your Mommy loves you more than anything and wants to know everything about you…the stuff that makes you happy _and_ the stuff that makes you sad." Jia Li didn't answer, but seemed to be seriously considering his words. "The zoo is going to close soon," Mike told her. "Ready to go home?"

Jia Li nodded and then hesitantly, "'Tective Mike? I'm tired….would you carry me?"

"Sure I will," he said with a smile.

Standing up, Mike scooped the little girl into his arms. She wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. With her cheek resting against his shoulder, Jia Li was asleep before he made it out to where the car was parked.

* * *

Annie stood outside the Director of Nurses' office, trying to calm her racing heart. She nervously smoothed her hands down the straight, black skirt and straightened the matching black jacket. She reached up to straighten her French braid but her fingers touched only the edges of her newly shorn hair. She sighed, wondering whether the DON would even bother with the interview if she knew that Annie couldn't even remember having her hair cut the day before. But this interview had been the impetus for her decision to have her long blond hair cut into a short bob, the sides slightly longer than the back. She felt it made her look older, more mature, more settled.

She didn't know why she was so nervous; the DON had asked her twice before to apply for a job as a supervisor when positions became available. She had been thrilled when Annie called and told her she wanted to apply for the Emergency Room Nursing Supervisor, immediately scheduling an interview with herself, the Chief of Emergency Medical Services, and the Chief Resident the very next day. Annie kept reminding herself that she had worked with all three of these people for years and that they all respected her….and she knew the DON very much wanted her in that position.

It had been a long time since she interviewed for a job. She had worked in the same hospital since nursing school, most of that time in the emergency room. For just a moment she allowed herself to acknowledge the real reason for her nerves. She didn't want the job. It was as simple as that. There was a very good reason she had refused to apply for supervisory positions in the past….she didn't want to be a supervisor. She liked the flexibility of working part-time, liked being available for most of her children's extracurricular activities…. and working with patients was her true love. She thought she would never give up those perks.

But finally she faced the difficult reality that she simply needed more money. Although Medicaid was supposed to pay for Frances' medical bills, Annie knew that Bobby had been paying for extras not covered. She couldn't bring herself to ask him for more money, although she had finally broken down and used some of their savings to help pay for sports equipment and music lessons. There was another reason she had decided to seek a full-time position. She hadn't needed the health insurance provided by the hospital in the past because she and the children were covered by Bobby's insurance. The spiraling events of the last four months had finally made Annie realize that it was possible that her marriage was not going to recover. If she and Bobby divorced, she would need health insurance of her own. She knew that he would willingly keep her on his insurance, but she decided she had been too dependent for too long.

So there she stood with her short, "mature" haircut, her black suit with a conservative white shirt, and sensible black pumps….about to do her best to convince these three people that she was the perfect candidate for a job she didn't even want. _Is this what it's like to be a grownup_, she wondered.

The door opened and Olivia Keller smiled at her approvingly. "Come on in, Annie," she told her. "Dr. Jackson and Dr. Welch are here and we are ready for your interview."

Annie straightened her shoulders and walked confidently into the office.

**End chapter 8**

15


	9. Chapter 9

**DECONSTRUCTION**

_This chapter begins at the end of Masquerade and leads up to The War at Home. It will make one brief reference to Blasters….a bit out of order of the original air dates, but it seems within the time frame of the story line._

_Thank you as always to Judyg for beta'ing. And thank you to Judy and Flashymom for ideas on Mike shopping for Jia Li's birthday gift. That scene just wasn't working for me and you both gave me ideas that brought it all together. _

**CHAPTER 9**

_This case….this case has been one of the difficult ones. They are all difficult, that's the reason they end up with Major Case. But when children are involved, especially when the victim is a child, it's just that much harder. Everything about this case has been difficult._

_The impromptu trip to Viet Nam to take Simon Fife into custody. My picture on Faith Yancy's show; I am offering him a glass of champagne. Did my children see that? Did they hear Yancy's outraged comments about it? _

_The continuing friction with our new captain. Ross doesn't "get" me the way Deakins did. My own issues leave me short-tempered and impatient with him, especially now…after my last confrontation with Annie. So the conflict continues._

_Talking with Fife, empathizing with him, winning his trust. He talks about how he loves Halloween, the little girls dressed as princesses. An image of Ally comes to me. She is eight or nine and it is Halloween. She is wearing a princess costume that her mother made. Bile rises in the back of my throat and I have the sudden urge to wrap my hands around this pedophile's throat and squeeze the life out of him. But I swallow the bile and the urge. This is what I do…I enter into the perversions of twisted minds like Fife's. I convince them that I understand; that I feel their pain and desires, in order to uncover their secrets. _

_It works most of the time. It works this time. I learn Fife's secrets. And the secret is: in spite of his pathology, in spite of the number of little girls he may have molested, this time he is innocent. He did not molest Amberleigh. He did not kill her._

_Talking with Beth Harner, flirting with her, encouraging her dependence on me. She talks about Amberleigh and it is obvious that Beth's self-image was invested in her daughter's career. For the little girl it was about fun and when it stopped being fun, she was ready to stop. But her emotionally unstable mother couldn't understand or accept this threat. If she wasn't the mother of the star, she didn't know who she was. So she bribed Amberleigh; cajoled, pressured, controlled her…whatever it took to keep her own self-worth intact. _

_I can't help comparing her with Annie. My Annie. She has been emotionally fragile herself, since the separation, and I am responsible for that. But when it comes to our children, there is nothing fragile about their mother. Whatever turmoil she is feeling, she puts her children first. Not once since I moved out has Annie said anything negative about me to the children. She encourages and supports my relationship with them in every way possible, even as our relationship has deteriorated to the point that we only have contact by phone and only about the children._

_Beth Harner's strange behavior and dependence on her daughter's career make her a viable suspect. During our dinner "date" I again do my job. I empathize with this self-centered, clingy woman. I make her feel I see her as the dedicated mother she has deluded herself into believing she was. Again it works. Beth reveals her secrets to me. But her secrets do not include murder. Beth did not kill her daughter._

_Talking with Jamie Royce, using his involvement with Narcotics Anonymous to draw him out. I know intimately how twelve-step programs work because of the number of them that my brother has entered. But Frank has difficulty accepting responsibility and truly taking a hard and truthful look at himself and his disease, which ultimately leads to relapse. This young man, on the other hand, has a good chance to remain sober, to do something good with his life. He has the courage my brother lacks, the courage to face his demons, to face himself. What threatens his recovery is his conflict, his desire to accept responsibility for his own actions while protecting his father. Again I do my job and gain Jamie's trust. I help him to face the truth, the truth that his father shares a great deal of the responsibility for his addiction all these years. Jamie is working on step five of the NA program…."__Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs". He is ready for that. But the truth is not what Jamie has believed it to be for all these years. He thinks the truth is that he killed Amberleigh. However, he is wrong. Jamie did not kill her._

_Talking with Nate Rocye the first few times I reinforce his image of being Beth's protector. But at the end I am able to drop any pretense. I do not need to gain his trust. I've already learned the truth from Fife, from Beth, from Jamie. All three hold pieces of this puzzle; a puzzle that has Nate Royce at the center. He has manipulated all of them, giving each only the pieces of the puzzle he wanted them to have and withholding the pieces that would complete it._

_A father's job is to protect his family, even at the risk of his own safety or happiness. I left my family because I wanted to protect them. It hurt my children, devastated my wife, and has nearly destroyed me. But their safety has to come first. Now I'm not sure of what I'm doing or where to go next, especially after my last confrontation with Annie. My words to her were cruel and cutting and I can't justify what I've done this time. For the last three years I have pushed her away, thinking I was protecting my mother, protecting Annie. This time I fear that I pushed her too far and what is left of my marriage may be lost for good. _

_Nate Royce's motives are not ambiguous in the least. Despite the persona he has adopted for the public, the truth is that he never tried to protect Beth Harner, he never tried to protect his alcoholic wife, and he never tried to protect his wounded and addicted son. Nate Royce only protected himself. He killed Amberleigh Harner, and then he spun a web of lies around everyone involved for the sole purpose of hiding his guilt. _

_Yes, this case has been difficult. It's the kind of case I would have once discussed with Annie. She would have listened to me and she would have understood the pain, the insecurity, and the fear that I hide from everyone but her. And she would have kissed me and pointed out that we are nothing like them; we are good parents with happy, well-adjusted children. In her eyes I would see my true value; not just in my ability to profile or elicit confessions, but in my ability to be a good father. The kind of father I never had, the kind of father I rarely see in my job, the kind of father who truly puts his children above his own needs or desires. Annie helps me to see that, to believe it. And I am afraid I have lost her and her vision._

* * *

Annie became the new Emergency Room Nursing Supervisor. She and the children began attending church again, frequently taking Jia Li with them. She worked in the church soup kitchen, although much less frequently due to her new job. She wasn't able to attend all practices, but made it to most of the twins' soccer games. Ally made the basketball team. Because of the increased time she spent at work, Annie bought a cell phone for Ally in case any of her well-organized plans went awry.

Bobby made an effort to spend as much time as he could with the children, taking them to visit their grandmother once a week. Bobby and Annie had not seen one another since the morning of Annie's hangover; they spoke briefly on the phone only to make arrangements for the children. He no longer came into the house to pick them up; he waited outside and called Ally's cell phone to let them know he was there.

Annie and the children were watching when an outraged Faith Yancy showed a picture of Bobby on an airplane, offering a glass of champagne to admitted pedophile, Simon Fife. Andrew and Phillip had questions, but Ally was silent. Halloween came and went; all three children decided they were too old for trick or treating, and instead went to parties given by classmates.

Annie settled into her new job. She missed working with the patients and decided that soon she would try to spend at least a few days each month working in the ER. Scheduling nurses' shifts was a constant headache and she hated the interminable and mostly boring supervisory meetings she was required to attend. She dealt with nurses' complaints about doctors and doctors' complaints about nurses.

October passed into November, and Grandpa called to ask Annie to bring the children to Connecticut for Thanksgiving. He didn't tell Annie, but he also called Bobby and made sure he knew that he was also invited. Bobby was touched and appreciated the gesture, but assured Grandpa that he needed to spend the day with his mother. During a very brief phone conversation, he also assured Annie that she and the children should go to Connecticut.

Annie felt a calm and peace that was welcome after so many months of turmoil. The children seemed calmer, as well. Although things remained strained between Annie and Ally, they existed in a state of cease-fire. Even Andrew stopped having angry outbursts on the playing field. Life fell into a routine; one that, although new to the Gorens, was familiar to all too many families.

* * *

Mike opened the door and stepped into the store….and into a whole new world. Jia Li's birthday was approaching and he was looking for a birthday present. But not just any present; something specific. Among the many stuffed animals that Jia Li had proudly introduced him to in her bedroom, there were three that were "extra special". They were called Webkinz and each one came with a code that allowed her to play virtual Webkinz games online. Mike had not been able to follow all of her explanations, but the fact that these animals were "extra special" had sunk in.

While trying to decide what to buy for the soon-to-be six year old (and trying very hard not to resort to asking Sarah), he remembered his trip to the zoo with Jia Li, her fascination with the snow leopard father playing with his cub, and her wistful admission that she wanted a daddy of her own. He was determined to find an "extra special" stuffed snow leopard. He was carrying a bag from a nearby bookstore, containing a book called, "Snow Leopards and Their Babies." Now all he needed was the snow leopard itself.

However, just stepping into the store created a sensory overload. Everywhere he looked there were stuffed animals of every kind; they were lined up on shelves, stuffed into bins, hanging from posts. He had no idea where to begin looking. Adding to the general confusion were the excited children and harried parents, most of them mothers. In fact, as he took a closer look around, he seemed to be the only adult male in the whole store.

He didn't know where to start to look for the leopard he wanted, so he began with the nearest shelf. He worked his way from the top shelf to the bottom, without finding what he wanted. Next he began digging through a bin of stuffed animals.

"Are you a policeman?"

Mike looked up from where he was squatting next to a bin on the floor. There was a little boy looking at the badge on his belt with wide-eyed wonder, his mother standing behind him. Mike smiled at the boy.

"Yes, I am."

"But you don't look like a policeman," the boy said suspiciously.

"That's because he's a detective and they don't wear uniforms."

Mike stood at the familiar voice and turned to find Elizabeth Rodgers standing behind him.

"Can I touch your badge," the little boy asked.

"Uh…sure," Mike stammered, aware of Rodgers' sardonic gaze on him.

He pulled the badge off his belt and held it out to the boy, who ran a finger over it reverently.

"Can I touch your gun?"

"No," Mike said firmly. "Guns are very dangerous."

"Tell the detective thank you, Billy," the boy's mother said with a grateful smile. "We need to go and we shouldn't take any more of his time."

"Thank you, Detective. I want to be a policeman when I grow up." The boy looked up at Mike's face for a moment. "But I want to wear policeman clothes."

Mike chuckled. "Well, I think you will make a good policeman, Billy. Goodbye," he told him as the boy's mother led him away.

"Mike Logan digging through a bin of cute stuffed animals. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes," Rodgers told him.

"Well, it figures I would run into you here, Rodgers. Not exactly the first place anyone would expect to find either of us…what with all the warm, fuzzy stuff in here. What are you doing here?"

Rodgers shrugged. "My niece has a birthday coming up. And you?" She folded her arms across her chest. "I hope this is a good story."

Mike chuckled. "Sarah's daughter is having a birthday. We went to the zoo not too long ago and Jia Li was crazy for the snow leopards. I thought she would like a stuffed one."

A clerk approached Mike and asked, "Do you need some help, sir?"

"I'm looking for a snow leopard," he told her. "Well…uh…I'll see you later, Rodgers," he told the Medical Examiner as he followed the clerk. He could feel Rodgers watching him as he walked away.

"Snow leopard? Hmmm…." The clerk began digging through the shelves and bins. "Here we go," she said finally, picking up a brown leopard. "It's a spotted leopard."

"No," Mike said, shaking his head. "It has to be a snow leopard."

"Well….is there a difference," the girl asked.

"Yes," he told her, pulling the book out of the bag. "Snow leopards are white. I need a snow leopard."

"Oh…." She looked at the book and frowned for a moment. "Let me take a look at our product list."

He followed her back to the counter where she flipped through a binder containing picture after picture of stuffed animals.

"Hmmm…..We have the Webkinz Leopard, the Strawberry Cloud Leopard, the Spotted Leopard….the Lil Kinz Leopard….I'm sorry sir, but we don't have a snow leopard."

Mike's disappointment showed on his face as he said, "You've got a million stuffed animals here and not one snow leopard?"

"I'm sorry," she repeated.

"Will this one work?"

Mike whirled around to find Rodgers again standing behind him. She was holding out a stuffed leopard. Except for the pink tinge where the spotted leopard would be white, it looked like the pictures in the book. Mike grinned at her as he reached out for the toy.

"That's the Strawberry Cloud Leopard," the clerk informed him.

"It's perfect," Mike said, handing it to her to ring up. "Thanks Rodgers."

"Well, I like Sarah…wouldn't want her daughter to be disappointed by whatever lame gift you might get her if you didn't find the right leopard."

"Don't tell me there's actually a soft spot in that hard ME heart," Mike told her with a chuckle.

"That's _not_ what I'm telling you, Logan," she said, fixing him with a withering look. "And if you know what's good for you, you won't be telling anyone that, either." But Mike caught a glimmer of a smile as she turned and walked away.

Stepping off the elevator on the eleventh floor of One Police Plaza, Mike suddenly realized how incongruous the brightly colored bag looked in the squad room. He also suddenly realized that he had no idea how to wrap the stuffed leopard and the book for a little girl. He set both bags on his desk as his partner looked up and raised her eyebrows in question.

"Shopping trip, Logan?"

"Uh…Wheeler…" Mike hesitated. "How are you with wrapping birthday presents?"

"You want me to wrap a present for you?" Wheeler grinned, enjoying her partner's discomfiture.

"Well…uh….would you mind? I'll owe you, Wheeler."

Megan Wheeler decided to put him out of his misery. "OK, who's it for," she asked peeking in the bags.

"Jia Li, Sarah's little girl. She's turning six on Wednesday."

"Six…OK, well….do you have a birthday card to go with this?"

"A card?" He had been so focused on finding just the right leopard, he hadn't even thought about a card. "I forgot," he said sheepishly.

"Then we need to go shopping," Wheeler said, picking up her coat.

"I just got back…." Mike said.

"So you're taking an extra long lunch…let's go," she turned and walked towards the elevator. Mike reluctantly got up and followed her.

An hour later they returned with a birthday card, a gift bag, pink tissue paper, and ribbon. Mike had hoped to take everything into an interview room to do the wrapping in private. But Wheeler set everything out on Mike's desk and began to efficiently place the book and leopard in the bag, fill it with the tissue paper, and then tie a big bow onto the handles of the bag with curling ribbon trailing. Mike shifted in his chair, uncomfortably aware of the amused stares and murmurs of his fellow detectives. Once she was done, Wheeler proudly set the pink bag covered with delicate flowers, with the pink tissue paper spilling out the top, and secured with pink and purple ribbon in the middle of Mike's desk.

"Nice bag," Riche said as he walked by. "Wrap that yourself, Logan?"

"Hey Logan," Jefferies called from his desk, "I got a doll I need gift wrapped…can you help me out?"

Logan rolled his eyes at Wheeler, who just grinned at him. Captain Ross opened his office door.

"Logan, Wheeler….if you two are done with your….uh….shopping spree….I have something for you. The DA has a court order to exhume a John Doe. I need you to serve the order and oversee the exhumation and autopsy."

* * *

Two days later Mike forgot all about the kidding he endured over that pink package sitting on his desk as Jia Li eagerly opened his gift. She was having a birthday party with ten of her friends the following weekend; something Mike was gratefully not attending. But on the evening of her actual birthday, Sarah had dinner (Jia Li's favorite…pizza) for just the family. Mike had met Sarah's parents, brother, and sister. And of course, he knew her Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Angie. But this was the first time he had met Tony's parents and he was nervous, wondering what they would think of their daughter-in-law's boyfriend. He was surprised to find them very warm and welcoming.

After the pizza, they gathered around to watch Jia Li open her presents before cutting the small birthday cake. She was delighted with every present, thanking each person effusively. When she got to Mike's gift, she exclaimed over the bag, the ribbons, the card. But as she pulled first the book and then the leopard from the bag, she was silent for a moment, staring at them. Then she looked up at Mike, her eyes wide. Hugging the leopard to her, Jia Li jumped up and ran to throw her arms around his neck.

"Oh thank you, 'Tective Mike, thank you! It's a snow leopard just like the one we saw at the zoo! I love him, I love him!"

He hugged her back and met Sarah's eyes as Jia Li whispered in his ear, "He's a daddy leopard, isn't he?"

Jimmy Deakins patted him on the back and said, "You did good, son. I think your gift was the hit of the evening."

After everyone had taken their leave, Mike busied himself cleaning the kitchen while Sarah oversaw Jia Li getting ready for bed. The little girl insisted on telling Mike good night one more time and he leaned down for her hug.

"I love you, 'Tective Mike," she said, kissing him on the cheek.

"I love you too, Jia Li," he said, his voice thick with emotion.

Once she was finally asleep, the stuffed leopard held tightly in her arms, Sarah joined him in the kitchen. She wrapped her arms around his waist from behind as he wiped the counter. She kissed his back and then rested her cheek against him.

"Uncle Jimmy's right…you did good."

He turned around and pulled her into his arms, kissing her deeply.

"I love you, 'Tective Mike," she whispered.

"I love you too," he said, capturing her mouth again.

* * *

Alex walked through her sister's house, watching the groups of adults talking and laughing as children ran between them. In the kitchen, she found Tom discussing the merits of cornbread dressing versus bread dressing. He smiled and put an arm around her, pulling her close and dropping a light kiss on top of her head. She leaned against him for a few minutes, feeling the rumble of his voice against her cheek. Her mother continued the conversation, but smiled approvingly at Alex. Pulling away, Alex walked out of the kitchen door to the backyard, where several of the children were running around dressed as pilgrims or Indians.

She sat down on the plastic child's picnic table and her three year old nephew ran over to her for a kiss. She pulled Joe onto her lap and hugged him to her. He wiggled to get down and she lowered his feet to the ground as another nephew joined them. Her cell phone rang and she pulled it out of her coat pocket, grimacing at the name on the display: _Captain Ross._ This couldn't be good.

* * *

Annie was sitting on the couch with the Sunday New York Times spread around her. Sandy was lying on the floor at her feet. It was just before 8:00 AM, and she was enjoying the peace and quiet. The children were all sleeping in because they had gotten home late the night before. It was Thanksgiving weekend and she had intended to come home today. But suddenly yesterday evening, she had a strong urge to go home. So she and the children had packed up and left, against Grandpa's protests that it was too late and she should at least wait until morning.

There was a knock at the door, causing Annie to look up with a frown of surprise and Sandy to jump up and run to the door, whining. Annie pushed the sections of the paper aside and went to open the door. She thought it was probably Janey, coming to welcome them home. But she was not prepared to find Alex Eames standing on her doorstep.

"Alex," she said, stepping back and gesturing her to come inside. "What are you doing here? Is everything alright?" She felt a sudden tingle of fear that something might have happened to Bobby.

"No, everything is not alright," Alex told her, getting right to the point. "Bobby needs help, and you are the one he needs help from."

"What are you talking about? Is Bobby hurt?"

"No, he's not hurt. But he's about to throw everything away and someone needs to stop him." Alex paused and held Annie's gaze. "He needs _your_ help, Annie."

"I don't understand. What is he throwing away? What kind of help does he need?"

Annie led Alex to a chair and then sat down on the couch, next to her discarded newspaper. Alex sighed before continuing.

"We caught a case this weekend, on Thanksgiving Day. A big case. The disappearance of the daughter of the First Assistant Police Commissioner."

Annie glanced at the paper she had just been reading. "I saw that. You found her murdered, right? Didn't someone confess?"

"Yes, we got a confession. But Bobby was distracted through the whole investigation. His mother is going through something. I'm not sure what, something with her radiation. She kept calling him, the doctor was calling him, Bobby was trying to get back to the hospital. And he….uh….he blew up at the Commissioner and stormed out of the squad room. He came back and we finished the investigation and got a confession. But he spouted off to Captain Ross…refused to complete his paperwork, told him he was leaving, told him to go ahead and fire him."

"I…I don't understand, Alex. What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to go help Bobby with his mother, get some of that pressure off of him….and convince him to talk to the captain."

Annie was silent for a moment, trying to digest what Alex was asking her to do. "Look, I'm sorry Bobby is having problems. But he has made it abundantly clear that he doesn't want help from me. And he has also made it abundantly clear that as far as I am concerned, his mother is off limits. I haven't even seen her in three years."

"I'm sorry, Annie. I know that you don't like talking to me about Bobby, about your marriage. But even with the problems you two are having, I believe you are the only person who can get past his defenses and help him."

"Alex, if I go to the hospital, he will just tell me to leave. There's nothing I can do."

"You can try," Alex insisted.

Annie shook her head in frustration. "You don't know what you're asking. I haven't even seen Bobby in over a month. We only talk on the phone when we have to because of the kids. He doesn't want to see me, Alex!"

"He's about to throw away his career."

Annie said angrily, "So what?! He's throwing away his _marriage._ Why should I care what he does with his career?"

Alex's voice was quiet as she answered, "Maybe you shouldn't care. But you and I both know that you do."

Annie took a deep breath. "This isn't fair!"

Alex leaned forward. "I know it isn't."

Annie got up and walked into the kitchen, pacing agitatedly for a few minutes. Finally she went back to the living room.

"OK," she said. "I'll go. But I'm not making any promises. He'll probably just tell me to mind my own business."

Alex nodded. "All you can do is try."

"Well," Annie said with a resigned sigh. "I was expecting to lounge around in my sweats today. Wait here while I go change."

She went upstairs and changed into a sweater and skirt. As she headed down the stairs, she heard Phillip and Andrew talking to Alex. The boys, still in their pajamas, were telling Aunt Alex about Thanksgiving in Connecticut.

"Guys, I have to go see your father today," she said, pulling on a coat. "I'm not sure how long I'll be gone." She stopped and smiled as an idea occurred to her. "But Aunt Alex is going to stay here with you today."

Alex's mouth dropped open and she looked at Annie in surprise. "Annie…wh…I don't….I can't…"

Annie smiled sweetly and said, "Well, I could be gone all day. You don't want the kids stuck here all alone and bored, do you?"

Alex folded her arms and laughed. "OK, OK! I guess I had that coming. I'll stay with them."

Annie opened her large purse and rummaged around in it. She went back to her bedroom and then down to the office in the basement and added a few items. Finally, she kissed Phillip and Andrew and left the house. Alex stood with the twins on the front step and watched her drive away. After stepping back in the house and closing the door, she turned to the twins.

"OK, I'm hungry and I'm not interested in cooking. You two go upstairs and get dressed and wake your sister up. We're going out for breakfast."

**End chapter 9**

13


	10. Chapter 10

**DECONSTRUCTION**

_This chapter is set at the end of The War at Home. I know I left you with a cliff hanger in the last chapter, so this one will pick up from there….and it's the longest chapter I've written so far. But I wanted to get it all in and not end on another cliff hanger. _

_Thank you to Judyg for beta'ing….and so patiently letting me obsess and bounce ideas off of her. _

**CHAPTER 10**

_My mother's enraged voice is ringing in my ears as I stand outside her hospital room. In the room with Mom are her oncologist and three nurses, all trying to calm her down….or at least restrain her long enough to administer a sedative. Her tirade is centered around me, of course, and the many ways I've failed her through the years…..culminating in leaving her alone in the hospital for much of this Thanksgiving weekend. I knew she wanted me with her as she began this round of radiation, but I couldn't have foreseen the disappearance of a Deputy Police Commissioner's daughter on Thanksgiving Day. _

_The weight of people disappointed by me is crushing. So many people who want or need something from me, and I seem to fail them all. My mother, terrified of dying. My wife, the last time I saw her; progressing from begging me to stop taunting her to screaming at me to get out of her life. My children, settling into the routine of having a different home with each parent. My brother, absent for so long and always in need when I do talk with him. My partner, angry that I've pushed her away when all she's done is try to help. My captain, making excuses for me to Commissioner Dockerty. _

_Mom's voice is getting louder and I can hear Dr. Syleste speaking softly to the nurses. I know that any minute the nurses will grab my mother and immobilize her so that they can administer the sedative Dr. Syleste has ordered. How many times has this same scenario played out since I was seven years old? Every time I think that there must be something I should do, some way to stop it, to protect her. _

_I turn and face the wall, resting my forehead on my crossed arms. I close my eyes and take deep breaths, fighting back the tears that I learned at age seven would not change anything. There is no sound that alerts me to her presence, nothing for any of my five senses to pick up. But for some reason I raise my head to look around and she is there, standing on the other side of the doorway. Annie._

_She doesn't say anything as we stare at one another. For once, her face reveals nothing and I know mine must be registering shock….not only at her unexpected appearance, but at her short hair. The children have not mentioned that she cut her hair, but I suppose I shouldn't be surprised about that. They say as little as possible to me about their mother, and they are probably equally closed-mouthed about me._

_We face one another in silence and time seems to stop. But then my mother's shrill "No!" breaks the spell. Taking a deep breath, Annie turns away from me and walks into the room. _

* * *

Alex could feel Ally's eyes boring into her as she told the three children to place their orders with the waitress. Ally hadn't said more than a few words since her brothers woke her up with the news that they were going to breakfast with Aunt Alex. Alex tried to remember how long it had been since she last saw the children. It didn't seem that long ago, but she was surprised at how much all three had grown. And when had Ally become this sullen, withdrawn teen? As the waitress walked away, Ally broke her silence.

"So where is Mom?"

"Your mom," Alex told her, "is going to the hospital to see your grandmother and your father."

Ally gave a snort of disbelief. "You don't have to lie to us, Aunt Alex. We aren't little kids. Whatever Mom is doing, you can tell us."

Alex frowned at her and crossed her arms on the table in front of her, leaning towards Ally. "I don't lie, Ally Goren."

Even an angry, rebellious teenager was no match in a stare down with Alex Eames. Ally flushed with embarrassment and lowered her eyes.

"I'm sorry," she murmured. When she looked back up, she suddenly looked like the little girl Alex remembered. "Mom hasn't seen Grandma in three years….Dad won't let her."

"I know," Alex said softly. "But maybe it's time for that to change."

Some of the anger and hardness returned to Ally's face. "It's Mom's fault. She made Grandma so mad she wouldn't let her come to see her anymore. And she made Dad so mad he moved out."

Phillip and Andrew were silent throughout this exchange, looking wide-eyed from Ally to Alex. Alex sighed as the waitress returned with milk and orange juice for the children and coffee for her. What had happened to this family, she wondered. She realized that this just might be a very long day.

* * *

Annie tried to quell the butterflies in her stomach as she rode the elevator to the fourth floor. She didn't know why she let Alex talk her into this. She had planned a quiet Sunday, loafing around the house, catching up on her reading, maybe taking the kids out for pizza in the afternoon. What was she doing here? For three years Bobby had refused her every request to see his mother. The last time they had seen each other was the morning she had that horrible hangover. Their argument had been loud and angry. Her face burned, remembering the things he said to her, the way he used her deepest fears and insecurities to humiliate her. She told him to get out of her life, and he had abided by that demand, speaking to her on the phone only when necessary. He no longer came into the house to pick the children up or drop them off, instead sitting outside in his Mustang and calling on his cell phone. What would he say or do when she showed up in Frances' hospital room unannounced? From what Alex said, he was already on edge and angry about his job. She began to feel nauseated and desperately wanted to stop the elevator and run back home.

She heard Frances before the elevator doors even opened. The sound of yelling was coming from around a corner and Annie followed it. She rounded the corner and saw Bobby standing in the hallway. He was facing the wall, his arms crossed on the wall in front of him, his forehead leaning against his arms. As she moved closer, she could see that his eyes were closed and he was breathing deeply. _Trying not to cry,_ she thought, so familiar with this man's body language. Her shoes were quiet as she walked, but something alerted him to her presence as she drew closer and he looked up.

_He looks tired, _Annie thought. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. There were shadows under his eyes, the stubble on his face showing it had been days since he shaved, his clothing was rumpled, and his entire body seemed to sag as though it was a struggle to keep his big frame upright. She waited for him to speak, but he said nothing. He hadn't ordered her to leave….yet. His mother's loud, angry voice continued from inside the room. Taking a deep breath Annie turned and walked into the hospital room.

Frances was sitting up in the bed, her flushed face twisted with anger, as she continued to yell at the doctor and three nurses surrounding her bed. Annie could see that two of the nurses, both male, were trying to get close enough to restrain her arms so that the third could inject her IV line with the medication in the syringe she was holding.

"You aren't going to do it," Frances shrieked. "I'm not crazy! I have every right to be angry; any of you would be, too, if you had son as ungrateful and uncaring as mi…"

"Oh my goodness," Annie exclaimed in a voice loud enough to draw everyone's attention, including her mother-in-law's. "You will _not_ believe the juicy gossip I just heard! I hear there is some crazy old lady on the fourth floor raising hell with the staff!" There was a moment of shocked silence as Frances stared at her open-mouthed and the doctor and nurses all turned to look at her. Annie smiled innocently at them and asked, "You haven't heard anything about that, have you?"

* * *

Alex had planned on spending the day with Tom and his children, so she took Ally, Phillip, and Andrew with her after they finished breakfast. Surprisingly, Ally dropped the sullen façade as soon as she saw Tom in his FDNY tee shirt and jeans. She suddenly turned into a shy, giggling girl. Alex watched with amusement as Ally cast sidelong glances at the big firefighter, then averted her eyes each time he glanced in her direction.

"Looks like you have a fan," Alex told Tom when they were alone in the kitchen.

"It's the tee shirt…women always get all fluttery around firefighters," Tom said with a smile.

"Just don't break her heart," Alex laughed, and then sobered. "She's got enough drama going on in her family right now."

Tom nodded knowingly. "Divorce is tough on kids."

"Nobody said Bobby and Annie are getting a divorce," Alex said quickly.

"OK," Tom replied, crossing his arms. "Separation is tough on kids….and for them it feels the same. All they know is Mom and Dad aren't together. It's confusing."

Alex sighed and leaned against the counter. "Divorce….they can't be getting a divorce. Bobby's been in a downward spiral since he moved out. I don't know what will happen to him if he and Annie actually end their marriage."

"Well, maybe they can still work things out." Tom leaned down and kissed her.

"I hope so," Alex sighed.

* * *

Dr. Syleste and three nurses gaped at Annie until Frances' face broke into a grin and she said, "Has anyone ever told you that you are a smartass?"

Annie smiled; that was the question that Frances had asked her the first time they met. She gave the same answer she had given all those years ago.

"Oh yes. But Grandpa says every family needs a smartass. And I happen to be very good at it."

Frances began to laugh and held her arms out. Annie quickly went to sit next to her on the bed and returned her embrace. They both continued to laugh as Annie sat back and looked at her. From the corner of her eye she glimpsed movement as the nurse with the syringe moved forward and reached for the IV tubing. Annie put her hand out and wrapped it around the rubber-tipped port where the nurse had intended to inject the medication. Annie smiled up at the nurse.

"I don't think that is going to be necessary," she said. "Mrs. Goren is not having a psychotic episode." She grinned at her mother-in-law. "She is having a plain, old-fashioned temper tantrum. And now that her lovely daughter-in-law is here to visit, she is not going to cause any more ruckuses. Isn't that right Mom?"

Frances laughed with delight and patted Annie's cheek and said, "I promise."

The nurse looked at the doctor uncertainly. After a moment, he nodded silently and the nurse stepped away from the bed. Annie stood up and held her hand out to the doctor.

"I'm Annie Paine, and you are?"

"Dr. Syleste," he said, shaking her hand. "Mrs. Goren's oncologist."

"I'm glad to meet you, Dr. Syleste." She turned to the three nurses and shook hands with each as she asked, "And what are your names?"

"Darren." "Brian." "Doris." They each returned the hand shake and then excused themselves and left the room.

Dr. Syleste picked up the chart hanging at the end of Frances' bed and made a note. "No more….incidents….Mrs. Goren," he warned before leaving. "Next time you _will_ be medicated—and restrained."

Annie and Frances watched him leave. Then Annie went back to sit on the side of the bed. Frances hugged her and said, "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too," she replied, fighting back the tears that threatened.

Bobby had watched everything from the doorway, amazed at the ease with which Annie diffused a situation that had escalated from bad to worse since he arrived that morning. He looked at Annie and his mother talking and laughing together, feeling that going in would be intruding. He turned and walked down the hall to the visitors lounge. Sitting down in one of the chairs, he leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. He heard the conversation of two of the nurses who had been in his mother's room, talking just outside the lounge.

"Who does she think she is?" Doris' voice was full of contempt. "_Mrs. Goren's lovely daughter-in-law_," she mimicked.

"She seems OK," said Brian.

"My cousin works at Carmel Ridge Treatment Center and knows Mrs. Goren very well. She says in the two years she's been working there, that so-called 'daughter-in-law' hasn't shown her face once. It's always the son and the grandkids. Miss High and Mighty can't be bothered to even come and visit. My cousin heard that they got divorced…you notice that her name isn't Goren, must have taken her maiden name back. Too bad for the kids; have you seen them when they come in here? They are beautiful kids, and very well-mannered. Must have learned it from their father! So after years of having nothing to do with her crazy mother-in-law, she suddenly shows up when she's on her deathbed? Sounds to me like the old lady must have some money tucked away and that ex-daughter-in-law wants to get her hands on it."

"I don't know," Brian said thoughtfully. "Mrs. Goren's on Medicaid. I doubt that she has anything of value stashed anywhere."

"Maybe not. But if that woman thinks she's going to sweep in here and start giving orders, she's got another think coming. I'm not gonna kow-tow to her, I can tell you that!"

Bobby considered getting up and letting the nurse know that he had overheard her gossip and that she had her facts wrong. But he was suddenly so weary he couldn't move. He heard their voices fade as they walked away and he let it go. He felt a warm heaviness throughout his body and relaxed, letting sleep overtake him.

* * *

Sarah stood in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room, watching Jia Li as she showed Mike the Webkinz website and her "pets"…including a Strawberry Cloud Leopard named Mike. Jia Li was eagerly explaining all the features of the game. Sarah could tell that Mike was lost, but he was being suitably enthusiastic.

For someone who was convinced he would be a disaster as a parent, Sarah was surprised at how easily he had slipped into a relationship with a little girl. Although she suspected the person who was most surprised was Mike himself. She watched his face when he was with her, moments just like this. He seemed somewhat incredulous to be enjoying the company of a six year old.

Sarah's heart filled as she watched them, heard their laughter. Sarah liked the way that Mike spoke to Jia Li as though she were an adult; he didn't "talk down" to her. Jia Li certainly responded to him. She was a loving, trusting little girl and had readily accepted Mike into her life. _This is good_, Sarah thought. _This is right. For Jia Li and for me._

* * *

Annie and Frances talked for an hour. They talked about everything except Bobby and Frank and the incident that had sparked their rift exactly three years ago. Frances asked about Annie's grandfather and family, her job, her church. Annie asked Frances some serious questions about her lymphoma and her treatment. Frances didn't like Dr. Syleste, but she said Bobby insisted that he had researched oncologists and Dr. Syleste was one of the best. Annie knew that the choices were limited because she was on Medicaid. From the little she had seen it looked to her that he might be a good oncologist but she suspected he had not had very much interaction with mentally ill patients since his psych rotation as a resident. But she decided it wasn't fair to judge him based on one interaction that lasted only a few minutes and she would give him a chance.

"Annie, let's go for a walk," Frances suggested. "You can make up some stories about the staff and the patients." She had always enjoyed the stories Annie created about strangers they saw.

"OK," Annie said. "Can you walk? Or do we need a wheelchair?"

"We need a wheelchair. I'm so weak; I just can't stand or walk for very long at all."

Annie didn't see a wheelchair in the room, so she reached over and pushed the button to call the nurse. Doris came in the room and asked, "Yes, Mrs. Goren?"

Annie told her, "Mrs. Goren and I would like to go for a walk. Would you bring us a wheelchair please?"

"You can't do that."

"Excuse me? I can't do what," Annie asked in surprise.

"You can't take her out of this room. Mrs. Goren is not allowed to leave this room unless she is accompanied by her son or a staff member. And I don't have time to take her for a walk right now. I'll come in later to take you for a walk," she said to Frances.

"But I'll be with her."

"_You_ are not a staff member and _you_ are not her son, now are you?" Disdain dripped from Doris' voice. "Those were the specific orders left by Dr. Syleste and Mr. Goren. I suppose that if he wanted you taking his mother anywhere he would have included you in that order."

Annie's felt her face flush with embarrassment, but she raised her hand when Frances began to sputter angrily. She asked in a quiet voice, "Where is my husband?"

"I saw your…._Mr. Goren_ in the visitors lounge. Asleep."

"He's asleep? Oh….well…I don't want to disturb him now." She turned to Frances. "We'll just take a walk later, OK Mom?" Frances angrily folded her arms across her chest and sat back in the bed like a petulant child. Annie turned back to the nurse. "We'll just forget the wheelchair for now, OK Doris? Thank you for your…help."

She watched Doris stalk from the room, wondering what she had done to earn the nurse's ire, and then went over to sit in the chair next to Frances' bed.

"Th….that….you should have let me give her a piece of my mind, Annie!"

"That wouldn't have done any good. She was just following orders. I would have done the same thing."

"_You_ wouldn't have been rude about it!"

Annie smiled at her. "No, I wouldn't have been rude." Changing the subject, she reached down and picked up her purse. "We will just have to find another way to entertain ourselves until Bobby wakes up and vouches that I'm not going to facilitate your escape from this place," she laughed. She reached into her bag and pulled out a bottle of nail polish. "How about a manicure?"

Frances laughed with delight and held out her hands. "Yes, yes, yes! I really need one! You remembered my favorite color!"

Annie pulled more supplies out of her purse and filled a small plastic basin with warm water to soak Frances' cuticles, and then set to work. As she finished the clear top coat and rubbed cuticle oil in, Annie nonchalantly said, "I saw Bobby as I was coming in. He looks exhausted. Are you responsible for that, by any chance?"

"Hmph!" Frances snorted derisively. "If I were responsible for Bobby being tired, it would mean he was spending all his time here with me. _That_ isn't what has him so tired, I can tell you that! Must be that job of his taking up all his time; it sure isn't me."

"He does have a demanding job."

"So demanding he has to leave his sick mother on Thanksgiving Day! He said he was off work and wouldn't have to go in. He said that he and Frank would spend the day with me. But he gets one phone call and off he goes….leaving me all alone on Thanksgiving."

"Oh c'mon," Annie laughed, "it's not like he dumped you on a street corner in the snow to beg for food. He left you here in a nice hospital with nurses and doctors to take care of you."

"He knew I was starting radiation treatment, he knew how hard it was going to be on me, he knew I was scared….but did that stop Mr. Big Shot Detective? Oh no! His job comes first. Always has, always will."

Annie leaned forward. "That's not fair, Mom." She stopped and took a deep breath. "I think we've had this conversation before. I don't want to fight with you."

"I don't either," Frances said with a sigh. "But you aren't going to jolly me out of being mad at Bobby. He ruined Thanksgiving….again. He promised he would be here with me. He promised to be here while I had my radiation treatment. He promised that Frank would be here. He broke all of those promises."

"OK, OK, OK! Now tell me how he is responsible for Frank not being here? Frank's a big boy, he does as he pleases. If Bobby told you Frank was going to be here, it's because he thought he would. But if Frank didn't come, then that's not Bobby's fault."

"Well…." Frances wasn't prepared to give in. "He shouldn't have told me he would be here then. And he _is_ responsible for not being here himself. He promised me!"

Annie stood up and paced around to the other side of the bed. "If Bobby told you he wasn't on call, then that means that something big was going on and someone high up wanted him and Alex specifically. Have you read the paper? The case they were working on was a missing girl, whose father happened to be the first assistant police commissioner."

"Sure, sure….Bobby's the one they all want. And everyone is more important than his mother."

"Oh for crying out loud! Listen to yourself! He was looking for a missing girl, a missing soldier. And they found her…and they found her killer! Mom! His job is important….it's life and death. You should be proud of him!"

Frances opened her mouth to respond, but suddenly all the anger seemed to flow out of her and she looked small and frail.

"I'm….afraid, Annie. And I was all alone."

Annie sank onto the bed, facing her, and put her arms around her.

"Bobby's afraid, too, Mom," she whispered.

Frances pulled away and looked at her thoughtfully for a moment. "You're still in love with him," she said softly.

Annie stared back at her, unsure of how to respond. "Well," she said slowly, "who could resist a man with handcuffs and a big…"

"Annie!"

"….gun! A big gun! Get your mind out of the gutter, old woman!"

Both women burst into laughter. They leaned against one another and laughed loudly and gustily. They were still laughing hysterically when Bobby walked into the room. They both tried to stop, tapering off to giggles. Annie blushed, wondering how much of their conversation he might have overheard. He stood just inside the door, looking uncomfortable and unsure of whether he was welcome.

"The nurse said you were asleep in the lounge. Do you feel rested?" Annie tried to keep her tone light and friendly.

"Uh…yeah," he replied, running a hand through his hair. "Better, anyway."

"It's almost lunchtime. Why don't you go down to the cafeteria and get something to eat? I'll stay here until you get back."

"Lunch! Another bland meal. I can hardly wait," Frances said sarcastically.

"You don't like the food here? What do you want?"

"Pizza," Frances said immediately. "After all the nausea and the throwing up…I've been craving a big cheesy pizza with everything on it."

Annie looked up at Bobby and smiled. "Pizza? Sounds good to me. Let's order pizza."

Bobby nodded and Annie got up and moved towards the door. "The nurses will know who has the best pizza around here." She paused and looked at him, still standing just inside the room. "Go ahead and have a seat while I go ask."

Bobby looked uncertainly at his mother before going to sit in a chair next to the bed. Annie went out to the nurses' station, where several nurses were sitting and writing notes in charts.

"Excuse me; my mother-in-law would like pizza for lunch. Can you suggest a place?"

Doris looked up with irritation. "Mrs. Goren's lunch will be here in a few minutes. She shouldn't have greasy food like pizza."

"I think that if she can tolerate it, a little pizza now and then isn't going to do her any harm," Annie said firmly.

Doris started to rise but before she could speak, Brian pulled a menu out of a drawer and said, "Leon's Pizza is the best around. Here's the menu."

"Thank you," Annie said with a smile. She took the menu back to the room. After looking over the menu, Bobby called to order a small vegetarian pizza for Annie and a large combination for himself and his mother, along with salads and sodas. Annie sat in the chair on the opposite side of the bed and faced Bobby.

"While we wait for the pizza to be delivered, how about a game of poker?"

She pulled a deck of cards out of her purse. Frances laughed. "Just what all do you have in that purse?"

Annie laid the deck of cards on the over-bed table and laughed. "Only what's important," she said, and reached back into her purse and pulled out an NYPD cap that Bobby had given to her years earlier. She shook out the cap and put it on backwards.

"C'mon….deal," she said to Bobby, causing a smile to spread across his face.

"We don't have any chips," he said with a chuckle.

"Oh, of course! How silly of me!" She reached back into her purse and pulled out a small, clear plastic container with poker chips inside.

Bobby and Frances both burst out laughing. "You carry poker chips in your purse," Bobby was finally able to gasp out.

"Well, of course. You never know when someone is going to want to get up an impromptu game," she said innocently.

* * *

After lunch at McDonald's, during which Mike kept his thoughts about fast food to himself, he took Sarah and Jia Li to see the movie "Cars". Children's movies were new to him, but he enjoyed watching Jia Li's reactions. Mike's apartment was close to the theater, so after the movie they went there and let Jia Li explore 'Tective Mike's apartment. Sarah could see that she was tired and talked her into lying down on Mike's bed. She fell asleep almost immediately. Mike and Sarah sat together on the couch while she napped.

"So...does it matter that all that stuff Jia Li showed me on the computer didn't make any sense at all?"

Sarah laughed. "No…it makes sense to her. That's all that matters for now." She kissed his cheek. "You'll figure it out eventually."

"This kid business is confusing…and tiring," he told her with a smile.

"You're doing fine, Detective…just fine," Sarah said, leaning over to press her lips to his.

Mike grinned against her mouth and pulled into his arms.

* * *

Bobby, Annie, and Frances played several hands of poker, with Annie losing every time. Bobby and his mother were about evenly split, and both laughed over Annie's losses. Doris brought in Frances' lunch tray and Frances waved it away, informing her that she was waiting for pizza. When the pizza arrived, they put away the cards and sat back to enjoy their lunch. Annie noticed that Frances didn't eat much, but she did manage to eat one small piece of pizza and a few bites of salad. She also noticed that somewhere in the midst of their poker game, Bobby had stopped being so tentative and Frances had stopped ignoring him. She was glad to hear them carrying on a conversation and actually laughing together.

After they had eaten their fill and cleared the food away, Annie said, "Maybe now would be a good time for that walk. How about it, are you two up to it?"

"Sure," Bobby told her.

"Well, we tried to go for a walk earlier and they wouldn't let us," Frances informed Bobby.

"Wouldn't let you? Why?"

Annie tried to stop Frances, not wanting to cause any problems, but Frances told him everything Doris had said when she refused to bring a wheelchair for them. Bobby looked at Annie silently, raising an eyebrow in question.

"It…it was no big deal," Annie said softly, looking down at the floor. "She was only doing her job, following orders."

Bobby continued to watch her for a moment, making her more uncomfortable. He moved over to the bed and pushed the button to call for the nurse. Doris appeared in the doorway.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes, you can," Bobby said. "We would like a wheelchair so we can take my mother for a walk."

"Oh….alright. I'll go get one."

"And while you're at it, bring me a Release of Information form to fill out."

"A….a Release of Information…..?"

"Yes. Just for the record, my _wife_ is to have access to all of my mother's medical records, access to any information she wants from you or the doctor…_and_ she is free to take my mother anywhere she wants, anytime she wants. Is that clear?"

Doris stared at him, at a loss for words. She looked from him to Annie, and back to him. Finally she stammered, "Y…yes…th…I…I understand, Mr. Goren." She left the room and Annie looked at him gratefully.

The nurse returned with the wheelchair and the form Bobby had requested. Bobby suggested they go for a walk while he filled out the Release of Information form. Bobby helped Frances into the wheelchair, while Annie moved the IV bag from the pole next to the bed to the pole extending up from the chair. She pushed the wheelchair out of the room and down the hall to the elevators, trying not to glance at the nurses standing behind the counter at the nurses' station as she passed. They took a long walk along several floors and through the lobby. Annie entertained Frances with stories she made up about the people they saw. Finally she could see that her mother-in-law was tired and headed back to her room. After helping her into bed, Frances almost immediately fell asleep. Bobby and Annie moved their chairs across the room so as not to disturb her nap.

* * *

Tom and Alex took the kids to the park after lunch and played a game of football. As they relaxed after the game, Ally found a moment with Aaron, away from the others. There was something she needed to ask him.

As they walked along the edge of a pond, Ally asked, "What's it like?"

"What's what like?" Aaron picked up a rock and skipped it across the surface of the pond.

"Your parents…you know…being divorced."

"Oh." Aaron shrugged and continued walking. "I don't know…it's OK, I guess. They've been divorced a long time."

"Do you miss living with them both in the same house?"

"I don't know…sometimes, I guess. But…I don't remember it all that much. I was, like, six…when my Dad moved out."

"So, how does it work? Do you stay with your dad on weekends?"

"No," Aaron said. "It's more like fifty-fifty. Mom doesn't live very far away, so we spend part of the week with her and part of the week with Dad. And about every other weekend."

"And….what about….Aunt Alex? Is it weird to see your dad with….someone else?"

"Kinda," he told her. "But…well, my mom's married and my stepdad is pretty cool. And Aunt Alex is cool….so….I guess it's OK. You get used to it."

_I don't want my Mom and Dad to get divorced_, Ally thought as Aunt Alex called to them that it was time to leave. _I don't want to get used to it._

* * *

"Are you alright, Bobby? You look….tired." Annie kept her voice low, so as not to disturb Frances' nap.

He nodded his head. "I….I'm OK. Thank you." He looked at her intently as she nodded her head. "It's just….a lot, you know? I…uh…I really messed up this weekend. I thought it would be nice if Frank and I were here together with her for Thanksgiving. But then Frank didn't show up and I got called in to work and….well, it just all went to hell, you know?"

She smiled and leaned towards him slightly. "Those things happen. She'll get over it. So….how long has it been since Frank came to see her?"

"He hasn't been here to see her in the hospital at all. And before that? I can't even remember. He does call her now and then."

"Well, I think it's time for him to pay her a visit, don't you?"

"Sure," he said with a laugh. "Any suggestions on how to get him here?"

"As a matter of fact, I do. Do you have his number?"

"Annie, don't. You don't need to…"

"But I want to," she cut him off with a grin. She held out her hand. "C'mon, give me his number."

Bobby sighed and opened his cell phone, found the number, and held it for her to see. She pulled out her own phone and dialed the number. As it began ringing, she got up and walked out of the room. Bobby followed her into the hallway. She walked down the hall where she was out of hearing range from Frances' room.

"Yeah…who is this?" Frank's voice was annoyed.

"It's Annie, Frank. How are you?"

"Annie?! You're kidding, right? What do you want?"

"I just wanted to see how you are," she said sweetly. "I'm here at the hospital visiting your mother and she said she….."

"_You_ are visiting Mom? I thought you and she were over. I heard she doesn't even allow your name to be mentioned in her presence."

"Oh, that's all in the past. We made up. We've been having a very nice visit today. And she said she hadn't seen you in…well…a while. She expected you to spend Thanksgiving with her."

"Something came up."

"Sure, I understand. These things happen. So, how about now? Are you busy? I know your mother would love to see you."

"Now? No…I'm busy, can't get away."

"Oh, now that's a shame. She will be so disappointed that you can't come. But I'll be sure to let her know how much you…._wish_…you could be here. You know," she lowered her voice confidentially. "Mom and I are having such a good talk, we've worked out all our little problems. In fact, I think she's going to give that pearl necklace back to me. I think she might even give me her engagement ring as well. Isn't that wonderful? Well, I better get back in there with her. You take care, Frank. I'll be sure to let her know how….umm….disappointed you are that you can't come to visit her."

"You bi…." Annie hung up on him as he sputtered furiously.

She looked up to see Bobby staring at her. "What," she asked innocently.

"Th…that….was…you…." he took a breath and tried again. "Annie, he's going to be pissed. And who knows what he'll do."

"He'll high-tail his butt over here, that's what he'll do, Bobby. And he'll be mad at me. So what's new? But he'll come and make nice with your mother, and she'll be happy to have both her boys here." She shrugged. "I can live with that."

She smiled at him as he frowned and shook his head. They went back to Frances' room and found her waking up from her nap. Bobby excused himself, saying he wanted to go outside for some fresh air, and left them alone again. Annie knew he was trying to give them as much time alone as he could, while staying close enough that his mother felt like she was spending the day with him as well. She and Frances sat talking quietly for a while, and then Frances asked her to put some music on.

Bobby had brought a CD player and a collection of CDs for her to listen to. Annie picked out one that had a variety of artists; Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Bobby Darin, Nat King Cole. Annie and Frances sang along with several songs. Annie sang a duet with Dean Martin to "That's Amore". The next song up had a slow Latin beat. Annie laughed and began to dance around the room. Bobby walked into the room and Annie danced over to him, swaying her hips, and held out her hand.

"Dance with me, Bobby!"

Without thinking, he took her hand and began to move with her in time to the music. He was captivated as she laughed up at him. The feel of her in his arms, his hand on her hip, twirling her under his arm….he was transported back to the night of Janey and Rob's wedding, when he had waltzed with her. He had planned to break up with her that night, but watching her as she danced with other men, as she entranced the teenage boys in the room, as he danced with her himself…he had realized that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. That night he had finally trusted her enough to tell her about his family. She was the first woman he had let his defenses down with, and she had not been satisfied until she smashed down every wall he had erected around his heart, thrusting herself into every area of his life that he had kept so intensely private over the years. And she had proven herself trustworthy with his secrets, his old scars, his old wounds…bringing peace and healing to him that he had never thought possible. Until that awful Thanksgiving, just three years ago, when she had blurted out the truth to his mother. A truth she didn't want to hear and it had led his mother to immediately cut Annie out of her life. It had also led to him cutting her out of a huge part of his life, the part that included his mother and his brother. Slowly but surely he had begun to cut her out of other areas of his life as well, until he felt there was too much he could no longer share with her. But once again she had barged into his life, coming here today uninvited. And once again she had brought peace and healing with her. Now, watching her sway her hips, feeling her move in his arms, he was reminded of that first waltz they danced together.

Annie was lost in the swaying rhythm of the music, lost in Bobby's strong arms, seeing only his face. As the song ended and Bobby pulled her firmly against his chest, she looked up at him breathlessly, dimly aware of clapping. They had attracted an audience, nurses and staff gathered in the doorway watching them and applauding. As she looked up into his eyes, she suddenly realized that she had _forgotten._ Caught up in the magic of the music and the dance, when she saw him, she forgot that everything had changed between them. She had pulled him into her dance without stopping to wonder if he wanted to dance, to wonder what he thought about her even being here in his mother's room. For these moments, he was _her_ Bobby. But as the dance ended and she looked up at him, reality came crashing down around her. He was no longer hers to dance with, to touch at random, to plead with teasingly. What was she thinking? What had she done? And with all these people watching, no less. Annie dropped his hand and stepped away, embarrassment causing her face to turn red.

"I…I…need to….I've got to….go to the bathroom," she murmured and made her way through the people still standing in the doorway. She walked quickly down the hall and around the corner; finally stopping to lean against the wall and try to catch her breath. She leaned forward slightly at the waist and put her hands flat against the wall behind her. She closed her eyes and tried to slow her racing heart. The elevator doors opened and she looked up to see Frank stepping into the hall. _Great, just what I need right now,_ she thought. Frank spotted her and stepped into her personal space.

"You're quite the little bitch, aren't you, Annie? I'm just glad my brother finally figured that out and dumped you."

With that he turned and stormed away towards his mother's room. Annie closed her eyes again and tried to take deep breaths; tried to calm herself.

What she was doing here, she wondered. Alex had asked her to come, but she should have refused. Why had she walked back into this toxic triangle of Bobby, Frank, and Frances? Bobby had cut her out of this part of his life long ago, and he had cut her out of every part of his life by leaving. It was obvious he didn't want her interference, didn't want her help. Why had she come today?

"Annie?"

She opened her eyes and looked into his face. _He_ was the reason she was here. He might not _want_ her anymore, but today he _needed_ her, and she didn't know how to say no to his need.

"Are you alright," he asked softly.

"Y…yes…I'm fine," she said.

He frowned and leaned close to her. "Did Frank upset you? What did he say to you?"

She gazed at him, gauging her answer. There had been too much fighting, too much contention. She smiled and said, "He wanted to know who cut my hair. Said it makes me look ten years younger."

Bobby looked at her suspiciously, knowing she was not telling the truth, but also knowing she wasn't going to talk about it. Annie pushed herself away from the wall. "I think that I should be going now. You and Frank should have some time alone with your mother."

"You don't have to go," he told her.

"I really should get back to the kids. Make sure the boys haven't burned Alex at the stake or anything,"

He frowned in confusion. "Alex?"

"Yeah. I left Alex with the kids."

"Why?"

"Because," she said with a laugh, "it was Alex's idea for me to come today."

"Eames asked you to come here today? Why?"

"She said you were having problems with your mother; that you mouthed off to the captain and to the father of your victim. She was concerned about you….and about your job."

Bobby sighed and ran his hand across the back of his neck. "I…uh…Eames was pretty mad at me. She wanted to help me and I told her to back off."

Annie laughed. "Well, you are definitely having problems with all the women in your life, aren't you Bobby? Good thing Ally still thinks you walk on water."

He smiled self-consciously at her and nodded his head. Annie laughed again and walked back to Frances' room. She gathered her things and told Frances goodbye, waving aside her protests that she wanted her to stay.

"I really need to get home to the kids. But I'll be back," she promised. "And you can call me anytime. OK?" She kissed Frances on the cheek. She said, "Goodbye Frank," which he ignored. Bobby followed her back to the elevators.

As the doors opened and Annie stepped on, Bobby said softly, "Thank you."

"You're welcome. I had a good time today, too."

Bobby stopped the doors from closing and looked at her intently. "Why, Annie? Why would you come here and do all of this after….after everything?"

Annie smiled at him and gently pushed his hands away from the doors.

"Oh Babe…..you know why," she whispered as the doors closed.

**End chapter 10**

22


	11. Chapter 11

**DECONSTRUCTION**

_This chapter will cover the episodes Weeping Willow, World's Fair, and Privilege. Although World's Fair and Privilege originally aired in January of 2007, and although it does look like cold weather in both episodes, I don't see snow and it doesn't seem cold enough to actually be taking place in January. Also, Privilege is Bobby's first case after his meltdown in TWAH. Two months seems like too long for him to be on leave….two weeks seems more likely. So I am placing the events of these three episodes right after TWAH…late November/early December. And if the timing seems wrong to you, I apologize and just ask that you continue suspending belief here in my AU…after all, Bobby isn't really married, either. LOL I've also borrowed a few actual lines from the episodes and I'm so very thankful to Warren Leight and the writers for dialog that segues so beautifully into the story I'm telling. _

_Thank you, Judyg, for beta'ing and tossing ideas back and forth with me. _

**CHAPTER 11**

_Annie has changed. The woman who showed up at the hospital two weeks ago was not the same woman I left huddled and sobbing on the stairs the day I moved out, or the hung-over woman throwing up and sobbing over the toilet less than two months ago. She's changed physically, with her long hair cut short and having regained a few of the pounds she lost in the months after I left. She looks good. As much as I loved her long blond hair, I have to admit that the short haircut frames her face in very becoming way. _

_But there are more than just physical changes. She is calmer and more…."together" than I've seen her in a long time. For three years she begged me to let her see Mom. But that day there was no begging. She didn't even ask permission…she didn't speak, actually. She simply showed up outside Mom's hospital room, looked me in the eyes, and then went into the room. Since that day, she has come to visit Mom several times and she has an aura of serenity that used to be familiar, but has been missing for a long time. _

_What is responsible for the change in her? Or….who? If Annie fell apart as our relationship fell apart, did a new relationship put her back together? Is it the doctor she was dancing with so seductively that night in the bar? He was certainly interested….has Annie found comfort in his arms? The thought torments me….yet if it's true, I can't blame her. She was hurting and desperate after I left. If Myers helped her pick up the pieces, I have no one but myself to blame. _

_I can't read Annie anymore. That is something else that has changed. She has always worn her heart on her sleeve and I knew her thoughts almost as well as I knew her beautiful body. But although she still can't control her blushing, she has learned to hide her facial expressions. Even my profiling abilities don't help when it comes to her. I don't know who Annie is anymore. _

_I know that Alex asked Annie to go to the hospital that day, but when I asked her why she would do it after everything that has happened, she said simply, "Oh Babe…you know why." But I don't know why. I overheard my mother say that Annie was still in love with me; Annie hesitated before answering and when she did, she made a joke. Why did she show up that day? Because she loves me? Or is it because, although she's in love with someone else, she still has this need to "fix things"? To fix me….._

_As for Mom and Annie, the two women picked up their relationship as though three years hadn't passed since they last saw one another. Leaving me with even more self-doubt than ever. Was I wrong to keep them apart? Was Annie right all along…if she could only talk to my mother she could "make things right"?_

_I'm not sure of anything anymore….at least not in my personal life. I need to get back to work. Ross insisted I take some time off after my behavior during that case at Thanksgiving. It's been two weeks and I'm ready to go back. Suddenly the world of murderers makes more sense to me than my own life does. I haven't talked to Eames since I walked out of the squad room, although I know she went to see Annie the next day. I owe her an apology….I seem to owe everyone apologies these days. I'm going back to work next week. Tomorrow I will call my partner and try to mend fences. My fear is that it's too late to mend fences with my wife._

* * *

"She had me fooled," said Megan Wheeler. She and Mike Logan were standing in Times Square watching the huge TV screen as Larry King interviewed Lisa Willow Tyler.

They had just closed the case of Lisa's "kidnapping". They discovered that it was staged by Lisa and her boyfriend, Holden, as a kind of "performance art" for Lisa's online blog. It had gone tragically wrong, resulting not only in Holden's ear being cut off in front of horrified viewers, but in the accidental death of one of the actors they had hired.

"She had us all fooled," Mike responded. "Don't worry about it. Let's get something to eat….I'm buying."

As they walked away Megan asked, "What about Sarah?"

"She's working late at the library tonight; I'm going to stop by her house after she gets home. It'll be late, though…Jia Li will be in bed by then."

Mike realized with surprise just how disappointed he was that he would not see Jia Li. How was it possible that in five short months, the little girl had become so entrenched in his life? And in his heart.

He was glad he would be seeing Sarah, though. Since this case had broken four days earlier he and Wheeler had been working it almost twenty four hours a day, frantically trying to determine if there had been a kidnapping and if so, trying to find Lisa and Holden before it was too late. They had only gone to their homes to shower, change, and grab a few hours of sleep. He talked to Sarah on the phone once during that time and she assured him that she understood how important this was. She admitted that Jia Li didn't understand why she couldn't see 'Tective Mike, but Sarah was trying to explain it to her the best she could.

Mike and Megan had dinner and, true to his word, Mike paid for it. They didn't talk about the case, focusing instead on Sarah and Jia Li. Following Annie's example, Sarah had insisted on meeting Megan for lunch one day while Mike took Jia Li to the zoo. In the nearly two months since, the women had met regularly for dinner or lunch, as their schedules allowed. Sometimes Mike was invited, but more often he wasn't. Sarah told him that she liked Megan very much and Mike suspected his reticent partner shared more about her personal life with Sarah than she did with him.

He knew that Wheeler was still feeling guilt over what happened to Holden. The NYPD posted a video on the internet of Wheeler speaking to the kidnappers, and as a result they taunted her and cut off Holden's ear. Mike saw the look of horror and guilt on her face as they all watched it unfold online. He wanted to say something to her, but wasn't sure what. As they left the restaurant and said good night, Mike decided to just be direct.

"You know, Wheeler….it wasn't your fault," he said softly.

She sighed and looked at him for a moment. "I know that _here_," she said, pointing to her head. "I just don't _feel_ it. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah…it does. Look…." He hesitated for a moment. "If you need to talk to anyone….Elizabeth Olivet….she's good."

Megan grinned at him. "Mike Logan recommending a shrink? That's unexpected."

"Yeah, well….what can I say?" Mike shrugged. "She's a good listener."

Megan dropped the façade of humor and nodded at him. "Thanks Logan."

Later, sitting on Sarah's sofa with her snuggled against him, having looked in on a sleeping Jia Li and spent a long time making out with Sarah and wishing that he could do more than kiss her, he talked to her about Wheeler.

"You should have seen her face when that idiot cut off Holden's ear. I know she feels guilty because it was her idea to go on the internet and it was her face there. But she didn't want to do it herself; Ross and I pushed her to. And then I was making stupid jokes while they were getting ready to shoot it. That's all I could think about the next day when that ear arrived in the mail….that stupid joke."

Sarah didn't answer. Instead she wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face against his throat. He held her tightly and closed his eyes. He reveled in the feel of her hair against his cheek and felt the tension drain from him. After several minutes he kissed her ear and she lifted her head to look at him. He smiled and rubbed his thumb along her jaw.

"But I'm sure the next time you have lunch with her, Wheeler's gonna tell you about our trip to Elmira."

"Why," she asked, smiling back.

"We went to talk to a high school friend of Lisa Tyler's. She had this baby and she was trying to get ready for work….and she handed the baby to me."

He started to laugh and Sarah asked, "What's so funny about that?"

"I've never held a baby before in my life! I was holding him under the arms, out like this…." He held his hands straight out in front of him to show her, and she began to giggle. "I kept trying to pass him off to Wheeler and she completely ignored me…just kept asking the girl questions." Sarah was laughing with him now. "You should have seen this baby looking at me. I made a face at him and he smiled like I was the funniest guy he's ever seen. Finally the girl took him back, and he kept looking at me with this big, toothless grin."

"I'm going to tell Megan that she has to use her camera phone for moments like that," Sarah laughed.

As their laughter died, Mike framed her face with his hands. "Hey," he said softly, "I've missed you."

"I've missed you, too."

"I should get going," he said with a sigh. "How about I take you and Jia Li out to dinner tomorrow night?"

"She'll like that," Sarah told him. "And so will I."

At the door, Mike pulled her into a tight embrace. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you, too."

He covered her lips with his and kissed her passionately.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

But he didn't see her the next night, and not for several nights after that. As soon as he arrived at the squad room the next morning, Ross called Mike and Megan into his office.

"I'm sorry to dump another case on you two; especially one that looks like it may be complicated. But Goren is still off and I loaned Eames out to your old boss, Logan….Cragen over at Special Victims."

"What do you have," Megan asked.

"A young Pakistani woman found dead in front of the Unisphere this morning….the scene looks like it could be racially motivated. I need you both on this," Ross told them.

As the day wore on, Mike could tell that this case was going to mean more long hours and left a message for Sarah, breaking their date. He and Wheeler were giving Ross information about a group of young Jewish men who had chased Meena Hasni after she captured them on video threatening a group of Hispanic day laborers. As he passed by, Riche called out to him and held the phone out to him.

"Me?" he asked, reaching for the phone. "Logan."

"Is this a bad time?"

He smiled at the sound of Sarah's voice. "No, not at all. Hi, Sweetheart."

"Hi…I got your message."

"I'm sorry," he sighed.

"No, don't be…I understand. But….well, someone wants to talk to you."

"'Tective Mike! I miss you!"

His smile widened as he sank into a chair; Ross, Wheeler, and even Meena Hasni's brutal murder were forgotten for the moment.

"I miss you too, Jia Li."

"Me and Mommy are gonna make dinner for you, soon as…..ummm….." He heard Sarah's whispered prompt in the background. "….soon as this case is over!"

"Wow! That sounds great…I can't wait."

"When is it gonna be over?"

"I don't know, Kidlet…but I hope it's soon."

"Me too!"

Mike talked to the little girl for a few more minutes and then with Sarah. As he hung up the phone, he noticed Riche pretending to be engrossed in a paper on his desk, but trying unsuccessfully to suppress a snicker.

"Shut up, Riche," Mike said good-naturedly. As he walked away to find his partner, he could hear Riche's laughter following him.

* * *

Alex was following the ambulance taking Lady Virginia Harrington to the hospital. Bobby was in the ambulance, escorting her. Lady Virginia's son had tried to bully his way into the ambulance and for a brief moment Alex thought Bobby would deck him. But he had simply used his size, weight, and strength to advantage as he grasped Grant Harrington's lapels and moved him aside. After finding Lady Virginia weak and incoherent from obvious neglect, Bobby was enraged with the son and daughter-in-law responsible for her. Grant's orders for them to leave had been met with an angry order to shut up.

"I'd shut up, if I were you," Alex warned Grant as she called for an ambulance.

But Grant Harrington was used to giving orders, not taking them, and he again ordered them to leave.

"I said to shut up," Bobby told him, enraged. "Now SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!"

Alex knew that seeing the elderly woman at the mercy of her selfish, grasping children, Bobby couldn't help thinking of his own mother….mentally ill for so many years and now fighting lymphoma. Rage seemed to always be simmering just below the surface in her partner these days, although today he was channeling it in a healthier direction than he had just a few weeks ago when he swept everything off his desk and later challenged Ross to fire him.

She was so angry with him for telling her to "back off" when she tried to talk to him that day. Although she had convinced Annie to go see him and try to help, she had not spoken to him herself until he called her just about a week ago. He apologized and thanked her for talking to Annie. He would be coming back to work on Monday, unless they caught a case over the weekend…which is exactly what happened early Saturday morning. She had been a little nervous, driving to the crime scene, unsure how to react to him after this rift…the first they had ever had since becoming partners. But Bobby had been Bobby….completely focused on the scene, the blood trail, the appearance and position of the victims, the details that could provide clues.

Whatever his demons, Bobby was back in top form…at work anyway. They hadn't spoken about anything personal, so she didn't know where things stood with Annie. All that Annie had told her when she picked up the children after spending the day at the hospital with Bobby and his mother was that she thought it had gone well. And then she hugged Alex and thanked her. But Bobby's focus was back. She had almost laughed the day they went undercover as a married couple at the playground that Isabel Harrington frequented with her daughter Zoe. While they talked with two of the mothers, trying to extract information about Isabel and a father they thought she might have met at the playground, Bobby suddenly improvised. "Max," he yelled, "play nice!" Both of the mothers looked in the direction he yelled, and she found herself looking, too. Alex wanted to laugh but instead she followed Bobby's lead, raising her hand and slapping her thigh in exasperation with their imaginary child. Bobby even asked the women to "look after our kid for a minute" as they spotted Dylan Mercer and rose from the bench to make contact with him. She chuckled now, wondering how long it took the women to realize there was no "Max" after seeing Alex and Bobby chasing Dylan through the playground.

She hoped that Bobby was not just mending fences at work, but with his wife as well. However, neither of them was talking about their marriage right now so she could only wait to see what happened. With that thought, she pulled up next to the ambulance outside the emergency room just as Bobby opened the door and stepped out. And standing at the back of the ambulance, waiting to receive the patient, was Annie.

* * *

For the first time in weeks…since becoming a supervisor…Annie looked forward to going to work. She had finally managed to schedule herself for a shift in the ER…as a nurse, not as a supervisor. It felt good to wear scrubs again. The morning had been just busy enough to make her appreciate her lunch break. After lunch, they received a call regarding an incoming patient who was severely dehydrated, weak, and incoherent. The EMTs reported they had not been able to get an IV started at the scene. They were also notified that the patient was Lady Virginia Harrington, a wealthy socialite; that her family was on the way to the hospital and already making phone calls with demands about her care. And that she was being accompanied by the police.

Annie and one of the interns waited at the open door as the ambulance backed in. As the doors opened and the EMTs began to unload the gurney, she was shocked to see Bobby emerge from the front passenger seat and walk around to the back. The door of an SUV next to the ambulance opened and Alex stepped out. There was no time for acknowledgements as the EMTs gave their report while wheeling the gurney to an exam room. As the intern examined Lady Harrington, Annie began setting out supplies to start an IV….and Lady Harrington's son and daughter-in-law arrived, followed closely by another son. Annie asked the family questions about their mother's medical history.

The intern told Annie, "I'll need to put in a central line for fluids…she's too dehydrated. The EMTs have already tried and couldn't get an IV in."

"Well….why don't you let me try first?"

Grant Harrington spoke up. "My mother is not a pin cushion or a guinea pig for some nurse trying to upstage the doctor."

"But the nurse happens to be correct." Everyone turned as Dr. Stan Myers spoke from the doorway. Annie felt the air in the room thicken with tension as Bobby and Dr. Myers looked at one another. She hoped she was the only one who felt it. Dr. Myers turned from Bobby to face Lady Harrington's sons. "An IV is much less invasive than a central line, and has less risk of complications…like infection. As for Nurse Paine here…she is not only the nursing supervisor for this ER, she also happens to be very good at getting difficult IVs started. So we are going to let her prove me right while Dr. Feldon gives me report."

He smiled at Annie and she felt herself blush, knowing that Bobby was watching. He had accused her of planning to sleep with Dr. Myers the night she had gotten drunk. While the accusation made her angry, the truth was that she simply didn't remember most of what happened that night. She knew that Dr. Myers was there, she vaguely remembered dancing with him….but she had no idea what Bobby had seen. She had not spoken with Dr. Myers about that night…afraid she might find out that Bobby had good reason to suspect her intentions.

She was feeling claustrophobic with the patient's family looking over her shoulder, as well as the two doctors and the two detectives. She could feel Bobby watching her and watching Dr. Myers, but she tried to block everyone from her mind and concentrate on finding a vein, sending up a silent prayer that she get it on the first try. It did go in and she quickly taped the catheter down and filled tubes with blood for lab tests, before starting the fluid that Lady Harrington so desperately needed.

By the time she was transferred to a room on the medical floor, Lady Harrington was beginning to become aware of her surroundings. Her sons and daughter-in-law followed her, leaving the ER without bothering to thank anyone for their mother's care. Bobby and Alex stayed in the exam room after she had gone, while Annie began cleaning up and preparing the room for another patient.

Alex looked from her silent partner to his equally silent wife before saying, "Annie, I didn't know you are a supervisor now. Congratulations."

"Thank you," she said with a smile. "It's been quite a transition. I was really looking forward to just working on the floor today."

"Well…." Alex looked uncertainly at Bobby again. "We…uh…should get back to work. I…uh…I'll wait in the car for you, Bobby."

There was an awkward silence for a moment after Alex left the room, as they faced one another. Finally Bobby said, "I….didn't know, either…about you being a supervisor. When did that happen?"

"Around the first of November. The kids didn't tell you?"

He shook his head. "The kids don't talk about you very much when they are with me."

Annie nodded her head knowingly. "No…I guess they wouldn't. They don't say very much about you to me, either."

"Congratulations. You've worked hard and you really deserve it."

Annie's face flushed with anger, but her expression didn't change. _I don't want your congratulations on a job I hate…a job I only took because you left me._ For a moment the words were on the tip of her tongue, but she bit them back. Taking a deep breath she said only, "Thank you."

Bobby frowned slightly as he looked at her curiously, and then changed the subject. "Mom has been really happy that you are coming to see her again." He sighed and looked at the floor. "It's almost like…nothing ever happened."

"But something _did_ happen," Annie said softly.

"Yeah…" He looked back up at her. "It did." They were silent for a moment, and she wondered if he was going to say something about Dr. Myers. But he only said, "I really should go….Eames is waiting. If we can close this case….I'll pick the kids up this weekend?"

"Yes…this weekend."

Annie watched him leave, and then sighed and finished cleaning the room. The next morning she was in her office when she received a call from one of the nurses on the medical floor.

"Annie, this is Christy. Lady Harrington would like to see you."

"Me? Why?"

"To thank you, I guess. She's already summoned Dr. Myers and Dr. Feldon. Now Her Highness wants an audience with you."

Annie chuckled at Christy's exasperated tone. "Has it been that bad?"

"You have no idea," Christy told her. "Lady Harrington isn't all that bad…although she wants what she wants, that's for sure. It's those sons and that daughter-in-law! They kept the night nurse running in there every five minutes all night and they've been doing the same to me this morning." She sighed. "Anyway…I don't think 'thank you' is in their vocabulary, but Lady Harrington knows how to say it and would like very much to see you."

"OK," Annie replied. "I'll be up in a few minutes. Am I supposed to curtsy or kiss her ring?"

She hung up to Christy's merry laugh. Taking the stairs to the second floor, Annie winked at the harried nurse before walking into the room of Lady Virginia Harrington. Looking much better than she had the last time Annie saw her, Lady Harrington was sitting up in bed, very regal in a royal blue silk bed jacket over a matching nightgown. Her two sons and her daughter-in-law were hovering around her bed.

"Lady Harrington? I'm Annie Paine; I was given a message that you wanted to see me."

The elderly woman smiled warmly and held her hand out to Annie. "Ms. Paine! Please come in! This is my son, Ernest Foley. And my son and daughter-in-law, Grant and Cheryl Harrington."

"I met your family briefly yesterday," Annie said, shaking hands with each. Then turning back to Lady Harrington, Annie smiled at her. "You are looking much better today."

"I understand that you are the nurse who took care of me in the emergency room….and that you were able to start this IV when no one else could."

"Well, sometimes it just takes that one more try….I was fortunate to find a vein."

"Oh there's no need to be so modest," Grant Harrington said smoothly. "After all, you insisted on doing it your way and prevented the doctor from performing a 'more invasive procedure'…isn't that how he described it?"

Annie glanced at him, keeping a smile on her face. "Something the doctors and nurses in this hospital strive to achieve," she said pleasantly, "is working as a team. That's all we did yesterday in the emergency room…we worked as a team."

"Ahh….that's very…politic….of you," Grant told her.

"And I am very grateful for your care," Lady Harrington said.

Ernest spoke up. "One of the nurses told us that you are married to one of the detectives who…" glancing at his brother, "….discovered Mother's condition."

Annie detected Grant and his wife stiffening at the comment and wondered just what had happened before they all arrived at the hospital.

"Yes," she replied. "Detective Goren is my husband."

"I am told that your husband is the one who recognized what was wrong with me and that his partner called for the ambulance."

"Being married to a nurse must explain his medical knowledge," interjected Grant.

Annie wasn't sure what the undercurrents in this room were, but it was obvious that Grant Harrington disliked her husband. She had read about Isabel Harrington's murder and concluded that Bobby and Alex were investigating. She didn't know why the father of the murdered girl would be so antagonistic towards the investigating detectives, but it was obvious that Bobby and Alex had asked questions that Grant Harrington did not like. She chuckled at his statement.

"I'm afraid I can take very little credit for my husband's 'medical knowledge'. He is a voracious reader and has spent time asking questions of several of the doctors here. He has even observed some surgeries. I suppose I _can_ take credit for arranging for that."

"Wherever his knowledge came from, I am very grateful to him," Lady Harrington told her.

"We also heard that you and Detective Goren are in the middle of a divorce." Cheryl Harrington leaned forward in her chair, eager for gossip. "That must make it uncomfortable for you to run into him like you did yesterday."

"Every hospital has its rumor mill…but very little of it is reliable," Annie said.

"So you aren't divorced? But you don't have the same last name." Ernest entered the speculation.

"I really don't think," Annie said slowly, "that it is appropriate for me to discuss the personal life of a detective in the middle of investigating the tragic death of your family member."

"Of course not," Lady Harrington stated firmly with a withering glance at Ernest and Cheryl. "And my family should know better than to be so crude. I apologize Ms. Paine."

"No harm done," Annie assured her. "But I really should get back to work now. I'm so glad to meet you all. And I'm very glad to see you looking so much better, Lady Harrington."

The woman squeezed Annie's hand gratefully. "I'm very glad to meet you, too. And again…thank you for the care you gave me."

Back in her office Annie smiled, imagining the conversation she and Bobby would have that night when he came home. She would tell him about her encounter with the Harrington family. "Which one did it," she would ask. "The slimy father, the evil stepmother, or the creepy uncle?" He wouldn't answer, of course…wouldn't give her any confidential information on an active case. But he would chuckle at her description and smile mysteriously when she gave her prediction. "My money's on the evil stepmother….that's a woman determined to hang onto the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed after landing her rich husband."

Annie's smile froze and then faded as she realized that she and Bobby would not have that conversation because he wouldn't be coming home that night. It was very possible that he would never be coming home again. Home…how long would it take for her to stop thinking of _her_ home as _his_ home? And to stop forgetting that he didn't live there anymore?

"Hey Annie…." She mentally shook herself as she looked up to find Dr. Myers standing in her doorway. "How about I buy you some lunch? I hear the cafeteria has a mean tofu loaf."

"Sure Stan," she said with a smile. "Tofu loaf sounds good."

"Great, I'll meet you back here at noon."

The following Saturday, Ernest Foley's confession was on the front page. _Guess it's a good thing I'm not the detective,_ Annie thought, remembering her suspicion of Isabel's stepmother. Also on the front page was a blurry picture of Detectives Goren and Eames escorting a handcuffed Foley to be booked. She sighed as she traced a finger over Bobby's image.

**End chapter 11**

13


	12. Chapter 12

**DECONSTRUCTION**

_We are between episodes here, as we take a look at Christmas 2006 and New Year's 2007. Thank you Judyg for beta'ing and not making fun of me when I bombard her with ideas for my characters. I was watching Flipped recently and noticed Mike Logan wearing a green scarf. I immediately thought, "Jia Li gave that scarf to him for Christmas!" Yes…my life really is that sad. : ) I confess I didn't go back to review pre-Christmas episodes to see if Mike was wearing the scarf, but I don't remember seeing it before Flipped. So if he did indeed have it earlier…just bear with me and suspend your belief (a little more). Thank you to everyone who reads this story, whether you leave comments or not. I can't tell you how much fun I have with these three couples, not to mention various children and other relatives._

**CHAPTER 12**

_Dr. Stan Myers is in love with my wife. I've known for years that he was attracted to her...no surprise there, she's a beautiful woman. It's not something Annie noticed...it wouldn't occur to her that he had anything more than a professional interest in her. But standing in that exam room as Myers consulted with the intern and Annie went to work starting an IV on Lady Harrington, it was obvious that he has fallen in love with her. It's more than the casual crush of a man working day after day with an attractive woman. It's more than a desire to have sex with her...something that was quite obvious the night I found them dancing in that bar. He wants her. The entire time he was in the room he was aware of where she was, of her every movement, of her every word....even when he wasn't looking directly at her, when he was examining Lady Harrington or speaking with her family._

And what of Annie? Does she know he is in love with her? She certainly is aware of something. Even though she is becoming very good at masking her feelings, the tension in the room was palpable. She was uncomfortable…but why? Was it being in the same room with Myers and myself? Is it because she has feelings for him? 

_Then there was Annie's reaction when I congratulated her on her new job. For just an instant, before she was able to compose herself, there was a flash of anger. Why? It wasn't there when Eames congratulated her, why would it make her angry for me to congratulate her? _

_Annie is quickly becoming a mystery to me. _

* * *

A week before Christmas, Ally sat in her grandmother's hospital room, watching her family. If home had been tense and uncomfortable with Mom and Dad fighting so often, things had gone from strange to bizarre in the six months since Dad moved out of the house. In the beginning her mother had cried frequently. She tried not to break down in front of Ally and her brothers, but they heard her muffled sobs coming from her bedroom or bathroom late at night. Whenever her father came to pick them up for visits, her mother would send them out of the room so she could talk to him. They usually couldn't hear the words, but they could tell that Mom was crying and begging him to come home and Dad was trying to reason with her. It became obvious that most of the time, Dad dreaded seeing her and Ally couldn't blame him. Mom had become whiny and clinging.

But then something happened between her parents sometime after Mom's birthday dinner and suddenly Dad didn't come into the house to pick them up or drop them off. Mom and Dad only spoke on the phone and as far as Ally could tell the only thing they talked about were her and her brothers. That lasted until the Sunday following Thanksgiving.

Ally wasn't sure exactly what happened that day. Aunt Alex had shown up at the house in the morning, Mom left, and Aunt Alex spent the day with them, telling them inexplicably that Mom had gone to the hospital to see Grandma. It seemed unbelievable that Mom would suddenly go visit Grandma after three years, yet it had to be true because since that day Mom visited Grandma as often as she could and talked to her on the phone. Mom and Dad also seemed to be speaking to one another again. But it was different now. There was no arguing, no begging…in fact, no discussions about when, or if, Dad was going to come home.

The strangest change of all was her mother. All of Ally's memories included her mother's emotional responses…she laughed and cried easily and frequently. But as things between her parents had worsened, Mom's laughter became less frequent. Once Dad left, Mom's sadness had spiraled out of control. But whatever happened between Mom and Dad that caused them to stop speaking or seeing one another had left Mom, for the first time in Ally's memory, without tears. A calm contentment replaced all the sadness and anger. While it was true that she still didn't laugh very often, she didn't cry at all. She stopped going to church not long after Dad left, but in the last two months they were again attending regularly.

Ally's own emotions were proving difficult to deal with. Although she appreciated the relative calm in the last two months, it was beginning to look to her like her parents had no intention of living together again. Neither had mentioned divorce, but they also didn't talk about this being a 'temporary separation' like they did at first. Ally's relationship with her mother was rocky at best. Her parents had told her many times that it was a mutual decision to separate, but Ally harbored an angry conviction that even if her mother hadn't told her father to leave, it was still her fault that he left and she had lashed out on several occasions. Dad talked to her alone one night about her mother, explaining that it was not Mom's fault; it was just that they both needed some time apart to 'work through some things'. But Ally knew her father would never say anything negative about her mother, no matter what the truth was. There was a tenuous truce between Ally and her mother, but her anger still simmered below the surface, expressing itself in outbursts of irritation. And it was about to do just then as she saw her mother check her watch and sigh.

"We should get going, kids. Give your dad and grandma a kiss goodbye."

As Phillip and Andrew moved towards Grandma's bed, Ally's face took on a mutinous expression.

"I don't want to leave yet," she said.

"I'm sorry, Ally, but we need to leave. Mike, Sarah, and Jia Li will be expecting us."

"Yeah, Ally," Phillip told her. "Don't you want to decorate gingerbread houses?"

Grandma laughed and kissed Phillip's cheek. "And how many of the candies are going to make it onto the houses and how many will end up in your stomach, Mr. Phillip?"

Phillip and Andrew laughed, but Ally fixed her glare on her mother. "I don't want to decorate gingerbread houses. It's so…so…_juvenile_."

It used to be easy to goad Mom into an argument, which frequently resulted in her mother's disgusted capitulation. But lately she didn't lose her temper….and she was resolute once she made up her mind. Right now she was not the least bit flustered by Ally's resistance. Her calm gaze didn't waver from Ally's angry one.

"We told Sarah that we would be there," she said evenly, "and she made enough gingerbread houses for each of you. It would be rude to not show up after she went to the work of making a house just for you to decorate."

"Your mom is right, Ally," Dad said. "And you know how much Jia Li likes being with you and your brothers. She would be very disappointed if you didn't go."

"Well she likes being with _you_ too, Dad," Ally said with a hint of triumph in her voice. She was confident she had hit on an unassailable argument. "Why aren't you going with us?" She shot an accusing look at her mother. "Isn't Dad invited? Aren't Detective Mike and Miss Sarah Dad's friends too?"

Mom's expression stayed neutral. "Yes, they are Dad's friends, too. And he was invited...."

"….but I want to spend time with your grandma," Dad finished.

Suddenly Ally found unexpected support in her grandmother as she interjected, "Bobby, why don't you go with them? I'm tired anyway and think I'll be taking a nap this afternoon. There's no need for you to sit here and watch me sleep."

Ally had actually been maneuvering to stay there with Dad, but having him go with them to Sara's would be almost as good. Dad glanced uncertainly at Mom and there was an uncomfortable silence for a moment before Mom spoke up.

"I know Mike and Sarah would be happy to see you. And then you wouldn't have to take the train back to the city." They had all ridden to Carmel Ridge together in the SUV.

"Well," Dad said with a sigh, "if you're sure, Ma….."

"I'm sure," Grandma said. "Go…decorate some gingerbread houses. But I expect to see pictures of them."

* * *

"Of course it's OK, Annie…don't be silly! Bobby is always welcome here. We'll see you soon." Sarah hung up the phone and grinned at Mike.

"What was that all about? You look like the cat that ate the canary," Mike told her.

"Ewww…." Jia Li exclaimed, walking into the kitchen, carrying the leopard that Mike had given to her. "Mommy doesn't eat canaries! And she's not a cat."

Mike and Sarah laughed. "No, Mommy doesn't eat mice," Sarah agreed. "That's just a saying…it means that Detective Mike thinks I look pleased. And he's right, I am pleased. That was Miss Annie and she said that Detective Bobby is coming with them to decorate gingerbread houses."

"'Tective Bobby?! Yay!"

"Yay, indeed," Sarah laughed. "But I think you should leave your leopard in your bedroom while you decorate. I don't think his fur would do very well if frosting got on him."

"OK Mommy. C'mon Mike," she said to the stuffed leopard as she turned to leave the kitchen. "You hafta stay in my room, OK?"

Mike chuckled and when Sarah walked over to kiss the top of his head, he wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her onto his lap.

"You do look pleased," he said and kissed her.

"Well," she said when the kiss ended, "I am. Bobby's coming over here with Annie, with his family. That's got to be good, right?"

"I don't know much about marriage problems," he told her. "But I hope you're right. I hope this is a good sign."

* * *

Ally had to admit, as Jia Li wrapped her pudgy arms around her neck in greeting, that she was glad she had come after all. She wouldn't give Mom the satisfaction of hearing her say it out loud, but she liked the little girl, too. She was bubbly and exuberant, and Ally knew that Jia Li tried hard to imitate the older girl. Mike and Sarah greeted them warmly. There were cookies and candy to snack on, and hot chocolate which felt wonderful on this cold afternoon.

While the adults sat and talked, Ally, Phillip, Andrew, and Jia Li played Candyland. Ally cast furtive glances at her parents while they talked with Mike and Sarah. She couldn't remember seeing them so relaxed around one another in a long time. Dad still had the tired, drawn look that seemed permanent since the separation and Grandma's illness. But he was leaning forward as Mom talked and he chuckled at something she said.

Once they finished Candyland, Sarah herded everyone into the dining room where the walls and roofs of the gingerbread houses were ready to be assembled. She had set out tubes of frosting to be used as mortar in putting them together. Mom helped Sarah bring out different colored frosting and bowls of small candies for decorating, while Ally, Phillip, and Andrew began putting their houses together. Detective Mike looked almost frightened as he stood with Jia Li, looking at the pieces of her house.

Jia Li sighed and turned to Bobby. "I don't think 'tective Mike knows how to make a gingerbread house," she said plaintively.

Dad smiled down at the little girl and said, "Well, maybe you and I can help him, Jia Li."

Ally hid a smile as Dad joined Mike and Jia Li. With her own house completed and waiting to be decorated, Ally watched her father and Mike engrossed in building a gingerbread house. Jia Li stood on a chair next to Mike as the two big men bent their heads over the pieces of gingerbread. Snippets of murmured conversation drifted across the table.

"….just squeeze a small amount of frosting along the…"

"….is that too much? How about…."

"….that should be good…."

"….careful when you pick up…."

"…yeah, but they are pretty sturdy….."

"….maybe the chimney…."

Watching her father's concentration and his big hands delicately manipulating frosting and pieces of gingerbread, Ally was overcome with memories of her large father squeezing into the playhouse to join her and her dolls for a tea party, patiently guiding her small hands in forming letters, pulling her onto his lap for a story. A lump formed in her chest and she blinked back tears. How simple life had been when she was Jia Li's age, with her pretty, lively mother and big, strong father.

Once the houses were together, they set about decorating them. Ally smiled as Grandma's prediction came true and the twins stuffed more candy into their mouths than they put on their houses. With the houses complete, they lined them up on the table to take pictures. Ally looked up at her father standing in the doorway and her mother nearby.

"Dad!" she called. "You're standing under the mistletoe!"

He glanced up at the mistletoe over his head, and then looked uncertainly at Mom. Her expression didn't change but a blush spread across her face as Dad leaned down and briefly touched his lips to hers. Ally saw her parents' eyes lock for a moment before Mom moved away to help Sarah clean the kitchen.

* * *

Tom and Alex got out of the SUV and piled as many brightly colored packages as they could carry into their arms. Two days earlier, Tom's company had fought a house fire that gutted a modest home. The family was staying in a cheap motel until the insurance company decided how much of the destruction would be covered by their policy. Tom and his fellow firefighters had been moved by the grief and despair on the faces of the parents and their five children. Everything they owned had been destroyed; clothing, furnishings, pictures….and Christmas presents.

The firefighters had quickly started collecting clothing and necessities for them. When Tom told Alex about the family, she had spread the word to the Major Case Squad and her own family. Soon there were not only clothing, second-hand furniture and dishes, and linens being contributed (much of it being stored until the family had another home to put them in), but Christmas gifts and money as well. Tom and Alex volunteered to deliver the presents to the family on Christmas Eve.

They stood in front of the motel room door and Tom knocked. The door opened and a ten year old boy stood staring at them, eyes wide with wonder. Soon the parents and all five children were all watching them with incredulous expressions as Tom and Alex made trip after trip to the SUV, bringing more Christmas presents. The older children understood the significance of what was happening, while the younger children were mesmerized by the big firefighter and the brightly colored packages.

Alex was not the sentimental type, but she had to fight back her own tears as the grateful mother hugged her, crying and thanking them profusely. The father was stoic, but his eyes were also moist as he shook Tom's hand and watched his children excitedly sorting through the packages. After giving the parents gift cards to a nearby restaurant for Christmas dinner, Tom and Alex finally said their goodbyes and went out to the SUV. As Tom reached to start the engine, Alex laid her small hand on top of his much larger one.

"You have a big heart, Tom Spencer."

He smiled at her and turned his hand to lace fingers with hers. Leaning towards her, he kissed her tenderly.

"Merry Christmas, Alex," he whispered.

"Merry Christmas, Tom."

* * *

The house was dark and silent as Annie made her way down the stairs, the gaily-wrapped box pressed against her chest. The living room was lit only by the lights on the Christmas tree. She stopped on the bottom landing and sat down on the top stair, looking at the tree that she and the children had decorated. Bobby hadn't been there to put the angel on top, so that duty fell to Andrew. Tears filled her eyes as she thought back to all the Christmas trees she and Bobby had decorated together over the years. This was the first time since they married that he had not been there to help.

She looked at the gift resting in her lap and wondered what she had been thinking. Well, of course she _hadn't_ been thinking. While out Christmas shopping she had seen the grey silk tie with silver diamond pattern. She bought it, took it home, and wrapped it before she remembered that this Christmas was different from all the ones that had gone before. Bobby wasn't living at home. It seemed unlikely that they would exchange their private Christmas Eve presents this year…..especially unlikely that Bobby would be giving her sexy lingerie.

At the insistence of the children, she and Bobby had finally agreed that he would spend the night with them, sleeping in the basement, so that they could all get up on Christmas morning to open gifts together. Then they would go together to Carmel Ridge to see Frances. Annie had expected it to be uncomfortable to have Bobby sleeping under the same roof for the first time in six months…if not in the same bed. But it had been more difficult than she bargained for to maintain the façade of friendly banter. By the time everyone was in bed, she was exhausted. Yet she couldn't sleep. Bobby's tie sat on the dresser and even in the dark it seemed she could see the outline of the box. She wasn't sure what to do with it, but finally she got up to put the package under the tree for him to open with the rest of his gifts in the morning.

Sighing, Annie stood and moved over to the tree, placing the package with all the other presents. She turned and made her way up the stairs to her bedroom, trying to block out the memories of Christmas Eves past when she would model Bobby's gift to her and they would make slow, sweet love.

* * *

"Daddy! Wake up!"

Bobby opened his eyes and smiled up at Phillip and Andrew, still clad in their pajamas. He looked over at the lighted clock on the desk. 4:12 AM.

"You two know the rules," he said, his voice husky with sleep. "No waking the parents before 5 AM on Christmas morning."

"W…well," Phillip stammered, "we just thought…." He trailed off as both boys looked down at their feet.

"That due to the different circumstances, Dad might be an easy touch," Bobby finished for him. He chuckled in the uncomfortable silence as both boys continued to stare at the floor. He sat up and rubbed his eyes with thumb and forefinger. Reaching for the light next to the couch Bobby said, "Well…since I suspect your sister is in her bedroom waiting for word on whether or not this ploy worked, why don't you go get her? _Quietly_…..don't wake your mother," he warned. "We'll watch 'A Christmas Story' until it's time to wake up Mom."

Smiles lit their faces as Phillip and Andrew threw their arms around his neck before racing up the stairs. Bobby turned the TV on and found the movie, which played continuously for twenty four hours beginning on Christmas Eve. The three children returned and joined him on the couch, using his blankets to spread across all four of them to keep warm. He smiled contentedly as Ally snuggled against his side; he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and dropped a kiss on top of her head. Moments like this were different somehow in the small apartment he had been living in for the last six months. Here in this house that had been home for so many years, this just seemed sweeter somehow.

No one spoke for the next thirty minutes, the silence broken only by their laughter. Then the door opened and he looked up to see Annie coming down the stairs with a tray of steaming mugs.

"I thought you guys might like a little something to go along with the movie," she said with a smile and Bobby wondered if she had already been awake when the children woke up. Probably.

She passed out mugs of mint-flavored hot chocolate to the children, with another one for herself. The mug she handed to Bobby had coffee in it…made very strong. He took an appreciative sip and watched her settle in the chair with her hot chocolate. Had he forgotten how beautiful she was early in the morning in flannel pajamas and with her hair mussed? His breath caught in his throat as she laughed at the movie.

There was a time that he could read her every expression; more than once she had accused him of reading her mind. But since that confrontation the morning after Annie's drunken night out, he couldn't read her. After telling him to get out of the house and out of her life, she had abruptly stopped calling him, making excuses to see him, begging him to come home. When she showed up at the hospital unexpectedly after Thanksgiving, he almost didn't recognize her. Having reasserted herself in his mother's life, she talked with him about her condition and treatment without pushing him to tell her more than he offered on his own.

This was what he wanted, wasn't it? Time alone to sort things out, Annie accepting the temporary separation and giving him space, freedom from her constant need for reassurance, being able to pick his children up without dreading another tearful scene from their mother. So why was Annie's calm demeanor so disconcerting? It was a curious thing: now that Annie was not pushing him and grilling him, now that she seemed detached and withdrawn, he was becoming gripped with a yearning to know what she was thinking, what she was doing….who she was seeing.

Although they all seemed to be engrossed in the movie, it was obvious that the children were watching the clock as their wiggling and restlessness increased with every minute that it came closer to five AM.

Finally Annie said with a laugh, "OK, what do you say we head upstairs and see just what is in those stockings? Hey…" she exclaimed as three bodies shot up from the couch, "take your empty cups to the kitchen."

Bobby lingered for a moment on the couch, savoring the taste of the coffee, the sight of the three children scrambling up the stairs, and the view of Annie's back side moving across the room to follow them. He took a deep breath, wondering how she could make flannel look so sexy.

Upstairs, he and Annie settled into chairs as the children emptied their stockings, exclaiming over the goodies. Phillip and Andrew distributed the presents and they all took turns opening. When Bobby opened the tie from Annie, he looked at her quickly but her face was unreadable. It had seemed wrong to buy lingerie or a New Year's Eve dress for her this year, considering the circumstances. She seemed happy with the collection of old black and white Christmas movies he had tracked down for her. Yet she had continued the tradition of giving him a silk tie.

After all the presents had been opened, Bobby cleared his throat.

"Uh…there's one more for you, Annie." She smiled at him with curiosity. "It's…uh…it's from my mother."

He saw her composure slip a bit as he handed the gift-wrapped box to Ally to pass to her. It was the first Christmas gift his mother had given to her since the rift between them three years earlier. She slowly pulled the ribbon off and slid her fingers under the taped edges. Her eyes misted over as the paper fell away to reveal a jewelry box. She recognized it instantly and looked at him, at a loss for words, before opening it. She carefully opened the box and inside was a strand of pearls. It was the same necklace that his mother had given to her on their wedding day. The same necklace that Annie had rashly given to Frank on that Thanksgiving Day that she and Frances had quarreled. The same necklace that Frank took delight in returning to their mother, letting her know that Annie had given a treasured heirloom away. Phillip and Andrew looked at the pearls and turned back to their own presents. Ally was more appreciative of the necklace….and more in tune to what had just happened.

"That's your necklace, isn't it? The one Grandma gave you when you and Dad got married?"

"Y…yes, it is," Annie said softly. "I…uh…had given it back to Grandma. I guess sh…she wants me to have it again. Excuse me," she said abruptly, standing up. "I…I need to go to the bathroom."

Bobby watched her hurry up the stairs, trying not to cry in front of the children. _Or in front of me,_ he thought. He got up and began cleaning up the discarded wrapping paper strewn around the living room, putting the children to work. Annie came downstairs a bit later, looking composed again. She sent the children upstairs to dress while she made breakfast.

Later that morning, Bobby sat drinking a cup of coffee. The twins had gone next door, Ally was in her bedroom finding places to put her new gifts, and Annie was taking a shower and dressing. They would drive to Carmel Ridge to spend the rest of the day with his mother. He relaxed in the quiet house and looked at the Christmas tree. It was still pretty, though looked a bit forlorn now that the gifts were no longer under it. He hadn't helped decorate this tree…the first time that Annie and the children had done it without him.

He heard Annie's bedroom door open, and then he heard her say softly, "Hi Sweetheart, what are you doing?"

"Just sitting here," came Ally's reply. She must be sitting on the step at the top of the stairs. He heard movement and knew Annie must be sitting down next to her.

"Where is everyone?"

"I think Dad's in the basement and the boys went next door to see what Billy and Georgie got for Christmas." There was silence for a moment and then Ally's voice again…softer this time, sounding more like a little girl than he had heard in a long time. "Mom…." Annie didn't say anything, waiting, he knew, for Ally to gather her thoughts. "Mom…are you and Daddy going to get a divorce?"

"No," she said quickly, "of course…." She trailed off and there was silence for a moment, then…."I don't know, Ally."

"Do….do you _want_ a divorce?"

He held his breath, waiting for Annie's answer. But if she answered, it was lost in the sudden sounds of the door opening and Phillip and Andrew bursting into the house, full of news about their friends. Annie and Ally came downstairs and Bobby herded everyone out to the SUV for the drive to Carmel Ridge.

* * *

Mike leaned against the door frame, watching Jia Li as she slept. It had been a very busy Christmas Day, beginning with Jia Li's phone call to him at 5:30 in the morning asking him to come over to open presents with her and her mother. Then they went to Sarah's parents' home for Christmas dinner. After Jia Li fell asleep on Mike's lap as he read to her from one of the books he had given her, he carried her upstairs to Sarah's childhood bedroom and laid her on the bed, tucking a blanket around her.

As he watched her, he fingered the green knit scarf around his neck…a Christmas gift from Jia Li. Sarah quietly slipped up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist. He smiled and turned around to pull her against him, kissing her deeply. Sarah sighed against his lips and then nuzzled his throat. She pulled back to look up at him, running her fingers over the scarf that he had worn since opening it that morning.

"You know, she was so excited about this scarf. As soon as she saw it in the store, she insisted that she had to get it for you." She smiled at him. "She's crazy about you, Mike."

"Well, I never thought I would be saying this about a kid….but I'm crazy about her, too." A tear slipped silently down her cheek and Mike gently brushed it away with his thumb. As he leaned forward to kiss her again he whispered, "And I'm crazy about her mother, too."

* * *

Annie looked at her reflection in the mirror, lightly running her fingers over the pearls at her throat. She blinked back the tears that threatened at the thought of her mother-in-law officially sealing their reconciliation by returning the necklace to her. She had chosen this deep purple, scoop-neck dress for tonight specifically because it looked so beautiful with the pearls. There was no new dress for this New Year's Eve. She had considered going out and buying one for herself, but decided she had plenty to choose from in her closet. Even if Bobby had not given her a new dress for Christmas, he had given her this one a few years ago.

She wasn't sure she wanted to go out tonight. She just couldn't imagine New Year's Eve without Bobby. But Janey and Rob had insisted that she go with them to their traditional party at the restaurant owned by Rob's brother. She finally gave in and agreed to go. But she couldn't help wondering what Bobby was doing tonight. Was he going to stay in his apartment, watching the ball drop in TV?

Ally would be babysitting her brothers as well as Janey's two sons for the first time tonight. Annie volunteered to have all of the children spend the night at her house so that Janey and Rob would have the night, and morning, alone. She sighed and smoothed her hands down her skirt one last time.

She went downstairs to check on the children. Janey and Rob had already left, Annie insisting that she would drive to the restaurant by herself, not wanting to be a third wheel to their romantic night. It seemed like the children would be fine alone tonight. She had stocked up on movies and video games, as well as cookies and ice cream. She left money for pizza and kissed them all goodnight, warning all four boys that Ally was in charge.

The restaurant was as beautiful as it was every New Year's Eve, the twinkling white Christmas lights decorating the small potted trees and wrapped around each post lent an air of magic to the evening. The food was delicious, the music was wonderful, her friends as entertaining as always. Yet, she was painfully aware of being the odd person at a table of couples. When Rob's brother mentioned that one of his cocktail waitresses had gone home sick, Annie was more than happy to help out. Over everyone's objections, she donned an apron over her dress and pitched in serving the guests. She stayed busy and didn't notice at first when Janey and Rob and her other friends all suddenly stared across the restaurant. As she took a tray of drinks to their table, she realized that they were watching her strangely and looking from her to a point on the other side of the room. Turning to see what they were looking at, she almost dropped the drinks on the floor.

Bobby was walking towards the bar. She stared as he took a seat on one of the stools and ordered a drink. Turning around, he caught sight of her and a slow smile spread across his face. Flustered, Annie turned back to the table and set the drinks in front of her friends. She was painfully aware that they were all staring at her, gauging her reaction.

"Annie…are you OK?" Janey asked.

"Do you want me to have my brother throw him out?" offered Rob.

She smiled shakily and shook her head. "N…no…its fine. Really, it's fine. I'm fine."

She took a deep breath and moved to another table, taking orders. She walked across the room towards the bar, the noise of the party-goers seemingly far away now. She gave her order to the bartender and turned to face Bobby.

"What are you doing here," she asked with a smile.

He shrugged and accepted his drink from the bartender. "Habit, I suppose. You look beautiful," he said, his gaze lingering on the pearls at her throat. "What's with the apron?"

"Oh…uh….one of the waitresses got sick and Jerry needed help…..so here I am." She hesitated a moment and added, "You look great, too, Bobby." She took in the blue pinstripe suit that she loved on him, and the tie she had given him for Christmas. The bartender brought the drinks she had ordered. "Well, back to work…have fun. You should have some dinner, too."

She put the drinks on her tray and walked away. She was painfully aware of Bobby the rest of the night. Every time she went to the bar with another order, he smiled and they exchanged friendly banter. As midnight neared, she lost track of him among the dancing couples and loud laughter. He had moved around the room, talking to their friends.

Annie rushed around the room with the other waitresses, making sure everyone had a glass of champagne in the last few minutes before the New Year. Finally Annie stood at the bar, watching the festivities. She looked around, trying to find Bobby and finally spotted him across the room. His eyes locked with hers as the count down began.

"Ten, nine, eight…." Bobby began moving through the crush of people in her direction.

"…seven, six, five…." His eyes never left her face as he sidestepped around people on his way across the room.

"…four, three, two…." Annie felt as though she couldn't breathe at the intense look in his eyes.

"….one! Happy New Year!"

Amid the noisemakers, cries of "Happy New Year", and kissing couples throughout the restaurant, Bobby reached her. Coming to an abrupt halt in front of her, well within her personal space, he pulled her roughly into his arms and covered the surprised "Oh!" her mouth had formed with his soft, but insistent lips. As strains of "Auld Lang Syne" filled the restaurant, one arm held her tightly against him while his other hand tangled in her hair and his tongue plundered her mouth. A soft whimper came from the back of her throat and she wrapped her arms around his waist, responding to his kiss with equal passion…..and hanging on in case her knees buckled. He didn't end the kiss until the song faded away and the band began another playing another one.

Still holding her against his body, he raised his head and looked down at her. Staring into his dark eyes, Annie was glad he was holding onto her, unsure of whether her legs would hold her up at that moment. They gazed at one another unblinking for what seemed like an eternity.

"Happy New Year," Bobby finally said hoarsely.

Unable to find her voice, she could only stare at him, her eyes wide. Without another word, Bobby released her and stepped back. Turning around, he walked across the room towards the door. Stopping to get his coat, he pulled it on and walked out of the restaurant without turning or looking at her. Annie watched him leave, completely unaware of the people or the noise around her.

**End chapter 12 **

16


	13. Chapter 13

**DECONSTRUCTION**

_This very long chapter (my longest to date, I believe) will touch on Albatross, Flipped, and Brother's Keeper. As Judy mentioned in her fanfic, the LOCI writers really threw all of us fanfic writers for a loop when they inexplicably tossed continuity out of the window concerning Bobby's mother's birthday. Brother's Keeper doesn't identify the date of her birthday, but it is obviously cold…cold enough for Bobby to insist on giving his beautiful black overcoat to his destitute brother. But Frame, the last episode of season 7, is also set against the background of her birthday, and it looks like summer. It is definitely warm weather and we know it is sometime after Easter (Purgatory). So, I don't know how I will resolve that inconsistency when I get to the end of season 7 in my story. But for now, for this story, this chapter all takes place during February. _

_Thank you to Judyg for beta'ing, to Judy and Flashymom for Valentine's Day gift ideas (which will be discussed again in a later chapter), and to Judy's adorable twin niece and nephew for the Valentine's Day luncheon that I have copied from them to the last detail. _

**CHAPTER 13**

_I'm shopping for Annie for Valentine's Day. What is the appropriate gift for an estranged wife? Flowers, candy, jewelry, lingerie….all things I've given her in the past….just seem wrong. Is she expecting a gift? Does she even want one…from me? She hasn't mentioned our New Year's kiss and neither have I. _

_Going to the restaurant wasn't planned. But when I called to talk to Ally and the twins and they told me that their mother had gone to meet Janey and Rob at the restaurant, I couldn't seem to stop myself. I dressed in Annie's favorite blue suit, put on the tie she gave me for Christmas, and found myself heading for the restaurant. Part of me was afraid that I would find Stan Myers with her and was relieved to see that he wasn't there. Even then, I had no plans to kiss her. But seeing her there, so beautiful in that dress and Mom's pearls, and adorable with the incongruous apron covering her, I couldn't stop watching her all night as she moved around the room serving drinks. As midnight approached, I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame, unable to resist pulling her into my arms and kissing her. _

_Immediately, of course, I wondered if I had done the wrong thing, although Annie responded just as passionately. Staring into her blue eyes, seeing the confusion warring with desire, I had to leave because I had no answers…to her questions or my own._

_What do I want? I want Annie; I want her desperately. But the reasons I left have not been resolved. We haven't even seen a counselor and with Mom's health, I don't know when we will be able to go. More importantly, what does Annie want? She certainly responded to my kiss, but in the last four months she has not mentioned me coming home once, has not asked about seeing a counselor. Has she changed her mind? _

_My mind wanders to George and Maureen Pagolis. "We weren't like this in the beginning," Maureen told Eames and me. How had they gone from loving one another to tormenting one another? They seemed to have it all in the early years of their marriage; the perfect power couple, with her political influence and his business clout. When and where did it go wrong for them? _

_That case was hard for Eames. Maureen Pagolis was someone she looked up to; a strong, powerful woman who took on the man's world of politics and succeeded. It was difficult for Eames to consider Maureen as a suspect, then realize that she had broken the law by wire-tapping her own husband, and done nothing when she learned of the plot to kill him….even when it was her own best friend who was inadvertently killed instead. I understand seeing someone you admire fall like that. _

"_Are we alright," I asked Eames, meaning more than our disagreement over this case; meaning my inexplicable behavior at work for months; meaning pushing her away when she has only tried to help; meaning being responsible for bringing Jo Gage into her life._

"_I hope so," she responded, understanding._

_This is the question I want to ask Annie. But I'm afraid of the answer. _

* * *

"It's a Valentine's Luncheon," Jia Li had told Mike excitedly as she handed him an invitation. "My cousins and me are…." She hesitated, searching for the correct word. "….hosting it. We are gonna make all the decorations and all the food….well, our mommies are going to help us. And the kids all get to wear red aprons and serve the grownups! Will you come, 'Tective Mike? Please?"

Mike smiled at the memory as he raised his hand to knock on Sarah's door the Sunday before Valentine's Day. Before he could knock, though, the door opened and Jia Li stood there in a white dress with red hearts scattered over the skirt, covered by a red apron, and a huge smile on her face. She ushered him into the living room and brought him a cup of tea. Sarah came out of the kitchen long enough to kiss him, then went back to help her sister-in-law with the food.

As the rest of the family began arriving, Mike wandered around the living room and dining room looking at the decorations. There were pink and red streamers, of course. But hanging on one wall in the dining room were handmade red construction paper hearts. Each one had the name of a family member on it. Under the name, Sarah had written what he assumed were the thoughts of each child about that person. His heart swelled when he saw "Detective Mike" printed on one. Under his name it said, "He is big and strong and learned how to read to me really, really good."

"Little girls," Jimmy Deakins said, coming to stand next to him. "It's a whole different world, isn't it Mike?"

"Yeah," Mike agreed. "It is. How long does it take to get used to it?"

Jimmy chuckled. "I've got three girls, the youngest is sixteen….and I'm still trying to get used to it. All you can do is sit back and enjoy the ride."

Mike grinned back at him. Once everyone had arrived, they were all seated at the table in the dining room and the children began serving lunch; several kinds of heart shaped sandwiches, pasta salad, punch made from Sprite, juice, frozen grapes and sherbet, more tea. For dessert there were heart-shaped brownies and cookies. Mike enjoyed being with Sarah's family, so different from the family he had grown up with.

Late in the afternoon as people began leaving, each person was presented with his or her heart from the wall to take home. When Jia Li brought the heart for Mike to him, she also shyly handed him an envelope. Inside was a Valentine's Day card that, when opened, played a recorded message.

"Happy Valentine's Day, 'Tective Mike," came Jia Li's voice. "I love you."

Mike knelt to hug the little girl and held her for several long moments, trying to regain his composure.

"Thank you, Jia Li," he said, finally. "I love you, too."

Later that night, after confirming with Sarah their date for the following Wednesday night, the actual Valentine's Day, Mike set the card on the small table just inside his front door next to the small dish that held his keys when he was at home. He would see the card each time he left or entered the apartment. He had just fallen asleep when his cell phone rang. He sighed as he saw Captain Ross' name. He and Wheeler had just caught a case; the murder of a well-known rap artist. He dressed quickly and as he paused by the front door to pick up his keys and pull on his leather jacket, he smiled and picked up the green scarf hanging next to it and put it around his neck.

* * *

"_He raped me, you know," Maureen Pagolis told Alex as she booked the former state senator for accessory to murder. "More than once."_

"_Why didn't you report it," Alex asked her. "Why did you stay with him?"_

"_I suppose for the usual reasons women stay," Maureen said with a sigh. "The children, security, shame."_

"You with me, Alex?" She started at the sound of Tom's voice, bringing her back to the present. She smiled across the table at him.

"I'm here. Sorry." Tom picked her hand up and kissed her palm before setting it back on the table between them. Alex lost her train of thought for a moment. "I was just thinking about Maureen Pagolis," she told him.

"Yeah, that was tough," he said. "I know how much you admired her."

Alex shrugged. "It's just so hard to understand. When you think of domestic abuse, you think of poor women with no support, no way out of their situations. Maureen Pagolis had money and power, friends and family…she had _choices_. But she stayed with this creep who humiliated her publicly with the women, the bribery, the embezzlement; and then humiliated her in private. But there she was, 'standing by her man', even while she was fighting for women's rights, opening women's shelters…..I don't get it."

"I guess shame creates this aura of powerlessness that's as strong as economic poverty."

"I guess so," Alex said softly.

"Are you still angry with Bobby?"

"No," she sighed. "He was right…we needed to get to the truth, wherever it took us." She was silent for a moment and then said, "OK, enough of this depressing topic. Where are you taking me for Valentine's Day?"

"Dancing," he answered with a smile.

"On the beach?" she teased and he chuckled.

"No…February is too cold for dancing barefoot on the beach. I thought we would stick with a nice, warm nightclub."

"I can't wait."

* * *

Annie sighed as she placed the package in her desk drawer. She had picked it up on her lunch hour and would take it home that night to wrap. It was a Valentine's gift for Bobby and she wasn't at all sure she should have gotten it for him. She just didn't know what the rules were for a separated couple on Valentine's Day. Was he planning to give her a gift? The situation was just ripe for embarrassment and misunderstandings. If he gave her a gift and she didn't have one for him, or if she gave him one and he didn't have one for her….either way, it would be uncomfortable. But she had finally decided to risk it and get one for him because the idea for a perfect gift had come to her.

Neither of them had mentioned the kiss on New Year's and Annie was just as confused as she had been that night. Maybe more so as time went on and he didn't say anything. What had that kiss meant? If it meant that he wanted to come home, then why had he been so silent? For that matter, why hadn't he asked her out for Valentine's Day? That would seem a perfect opportunity to talk about reconciliation. But he hadn't asked her out. In fact he had made plans with Ally to take her to a friend's party, take the boys out to dinner, and pick Ally up when the party was over. Obviously he had no romantic plans for the evening.

"Annie?" She looked up at the soft knock on her open door and smiled at Dr. Stan Myers.

"Hi Stan, come on in."

He had been dropping in more and more often over the last few weeks and frequently shared a table with her in the cafeteria at lunch. Twice he had asked her to dinner to discuss new treatment protocols that he was planning to present to the Chief of Emergency Services. He told her that he wanted a nurse's perspective on the protocols, to more thoroughly evaluate their usefulness. They had talked about the protocols, of course, but the conversation had veered to other topics and she found Stan Myers to be entertaining and interesting. Although her smile wavered now as he stepped into her office and closed the door, making her a bit uncomfortable. He dropped into a chair.

"I missed you at lunch," he told her.

"Oh," she said with a shrug. "I had some errands to run."

"Uh….Annie….I was wondering….well, if you don't have any plans tomorrow night, would you go to dinner with me?"

"Tomorrow?" Annie's eyes widened slightly. "But…tomorrow is….Valentine's Day."

"Yes, I know."

"But, Stan…I don't think that's wise. People would get the wrong idea if we went out for a business dinner on Valentine's Day."

"Annie…" He shifted in his chair. "I'm not asking you out for a business dinner." She stared at him. "I'm asking you out on a date."

"A….a….date? Stan….I'm married!"

"You're separated," he said softly.

She stared at him for several moments, at a loss for words. "It doesn't matter…I'm married."

"Look…" Stan leaned forward earnestly. "You've been separated for what…7, 8 months? Don't you think it's time to admit that it's over and move on?"

"This is completely inappropriate, Stan, and I think you should leave now."

"Annie…."

"Now," she said firmly.

"OK, I'll go," he said, standing up and moving to the door. "But just know that I'll be here for you when you're ready."

He opened the door and walked out before she could gather herself to respond. Annie sat open-mouthed, staring at the doorway.

She had worked with Stan Myers for years and never had he said anything the least bit inappropriate. What had gotten into him? Had she said or done anything to give him the wrong idea? Even as the question entered her thoughts, she knew the answer. It had to be that night she had gotten drunk. She remembered very little of that night, but she knew she had danced with Stan. She knew now that whatever it was Bobby saw that prompted him to accuse her of planning to sleep with Stan Myers, Stan himself had gotten the same impression. Her face felt hot with embarrassment. She didn't know how to straighten out this mess she had created.

* * *

Mike Logan stood frozen on the fire escape landing, staring up at the landing above him where Gordon Thomas had a gun pointed at Mike. Thomas, who had killed a cop and convinced the jury that it was self-defense. He was smiling at Mike as the two men stood silently looking at one another.

_Sarah staring at him, mouth open, outside Peter J's just after he pulled her drunk date off of her. _

"_Detective Mike Logan, it was nice to meet you. Thank you for your help……The blind date was a disaster, but the evening turned out surprisingly well."_

_Sarah's face alight with pleasure as she taught a computer class or read to the children at the library._

_The feel of her against him the first time they danced._

_Showing him a picture of Jia Li on their first date._

"_Hello, 'tective Mike. My name is Jia Li….._ _My name means 'good and beautiful'"_

"_I know that I'm in love with you. And I know that you are a big fat coward. Scared of a little girl!"_

_Pushing Jia Li on the swing, holding her at the zoo as the snow leopards played._

"_I love you, 'Tective Mike."_

"_I love you, Mike Logan."_

Sarah and Jia Li filled his thoughts in the seconds he and Thomas stood there. Was it only seconds? It seemed like a lifetime. Then suddenly his partner was there, pointing her gun at Thomas through the open window, ordering him to put his gun down.

"G-man," Wheeler told him, "you kill another cop and this time there won't be a trial."

"Where's your partner," Thomas asked later, as Wheeler and Ross entered the interrogation room. "He soil his pants?"

Mike chuckled, watching from the observation room. _You have no idea, G-man,_ he thought. He tried to focus on Wheeler and Ross questioning Thomas. He tried to block out the image of what could have happened up on that fire escape. He tried to think about his date the next night with Sarah. He tried to think of anything except how close he had come to being killed….and how it had never occurred to him before to think of who would mourn him if he died.

Valentine's Day came and Mike realized with frustration that he was not going to be able to see Sarah. He reluctantly called her.

"I'm sorry, Sweetheart, but I'm tied up with this case tonight."

"Oh," Sarah said, disappointed. "Well…maybe you can come by tonight when you're done?"

He sighed. "You have no idea how much I want to….but Wheeler and I are driving to North Carolina to pick up a witness, and driving back tonight."

"North Carolina?! That will take all night!"

"Probably," he agreed. "I'm sorry."

Now it was her turn to sigh. "It's OK…it's your job. We'll do something this weekend, OK?"

"Sarah…." Mike thought about Gordon Thomas with his gun aimed at him. "I…I love you."

"I love you too, Mike."

"Give Jia Li a hug and a kiss for me, OK?"

"I will. Be safe, Mike."

"You ready?" Megan asked, pulling on her jacket as Mike hung up the phone.

"Yeah, I'm ready." Mike reached for his jacket and his scarf. "Hey Wheeler….about yesterday….thank you."

"Anytime, Logan," Megan told him with a smile. "That's what partners are for."

* * *

Bobby arrived at the house before Annie got home from work, to find Ally in a dizzying whirl of changing clothes to find the "perfect" outfit. He quickly learned that although Ally asked his opinion, nothing he said could stop her from rushing back upstairs to change yet again. He tried to keep Phillip and Andrew from torturing their very nervous sister, but found himself smiling at their teasing. Being in this house, listening to his children laughing and arguing….it almost felt as though he had never left. He had Annie's gift in his pocket; he had decided to give it to her when she got home, and to ask her to go with him and the boys to dinner. The doorbell rang and he went to open the door. His smile faded as he saw a delivery person standing on the doorstep holding a flower arrangement.

"Delivery for Annie Paine," the young man said.

"She's not home yet," Bobby told him, staring at the flowers. "I'll take them."

He tipped the young man and took the flowers from him. He set the arrangement on the coffee table and stared at it. Ruby red tulips mixed with deep blue iris in a beautiful red vase. It was an expensive and beautiful arrangement…one that suited Annie's taste and personality perfectly. It had been sent by someone who knew her well. But that someone was not him.

The door opened and Annie walked in, smiling when she saw him.

"Hi! Is Ally still trying to get re…..?"

She trailed off, seeing the flowers on the coffee table. He watched as her eyes widened in surprise and she blushed.

"Bobby," she said softly, her voice full of awe. "They're beautiful."

He cleared his throat and said, "Uh…they aren't from me."

She continued to smile at him as it took a moment for his words to sink in. If possible, her face reddened even more and she stammered in embarrassment.

"Oh…I….thought….I mean….I'm sorry, I….of course….."

"Mom!" Ally's frantic voice cut her off. "I can't find the combs you bought for me to wear tonight…the ones with the hearts on them!"

Annie glanced from the flowers to Bobby's face once more and then turned and almost ran up the stairs after Ally. Bobby stared after her, and then looked back at the flowers. The card was sitting in the midst of them and he was tempted to open it and see who they were from. But he didn't need to read the card. He knew exactly who was sending flowers to his wife.

* * *

Annie followed Ally and the boys downstairs. She was grateful that Ally was so excited about her party and the boys were so busy teasing her that none of them noticed the vase of flowers sitting on the coffee table. She was also grateful that Bobby said nothing about them. She had no idea what she would say if he did. What was he thinking? His face gave nothing away.

Annie took pictures of Ally in her dress, warned Phillip and Andrew not to embarrass their sister when they dropped her off and picked her up, and hugged all three goodbye.

Once she was alone, she sank onto the couch and stared at the flowers. When she walked in the house and saw Bobby, and then saw the flowers, she just assumed he had brought them to her for Valentine's Day….as he had so many times in the past. For just a moment her heart had filled and she thought he was going to tell her that he wanted to come home. She let her tears of disappointment and embarrassment flow for a few minutes and then resolutely brushed them away. She reached for the card, knowing who the flowers were from now.

_To my beautiful Annie. I understand that you need to resolve things with your marriage, but know that I will wait for however long it takes. All my love, Stan_

"Good grief!" Annie stared at the flowers for a moment, her anger building. She stood and scooped the vase up and took it outside to the garbage can, throwing the flowers furiously into the can. She started to throw the card in after them, but then hesitated. She stared at the card, wondering what to do about Stan. Annie sighed, thinking that there was a time that she would have talked to Bobby about it.

Walking next door to Janey's, she found her friend getting ready for a Valentine's Day date with her husband. Annie sat on the bed while Janey dressed and put on her makeup. Beginning with the day she ran into Martin Ramsey in the ER, her subsequent evening of drinking, Bobby's "rescue", and an abbreviated version of the things Bobby said to her the next morning, Annie told her about Stan Myers increasing attention to her, his invitation for dinner, and the flowers.

"Annie," Janey said with a laugh, "you didn't suspect anything when he asked you out to dinner…twice?!"

"Well, no," Annie answered sheepishly. "Those were business dinners…it never occurred to me that he had any other intentions."

"C'mon Annie…this is me."

Annie sighed and flopped back on the bed. "OK…I guess the truth is that it was….flattering to have him paying attention." She rolled onto her side and propped herself up on her elbow. "Is that awful?"

"No," Janey said, sitting down next to her on the bed. "It's truthful. And human. Everyone likes to know they're attractive. Now the question is: what are you going to do about it?"

"Well, that's why I came over here…I was hoping you would tell me what to do. I mean, I already told him that I'm not interested….and he sends me flowers! Now what?"

"If he won't take no for an answer you may have to go up the chain of command and file a sexual harassment complaint."

"I would really hate to drag the hospital into this," Annie said.

"You may not have a choice," Janey told her. "If you keep trying to handle this on your own and he won't back off…people will begin to talk, if they aren't already. You always say that rumors run amok in hospitals. Remember all those scriptures that talk about avoiding the appearance of evil. You don't want to give anyone the impression that you are doing anything wrong with Dr. Myers."

"I guess I've already given 'the appearance of evil' with my little drunken display at the bar that night; to Stan, to Bobby, and to everyone who saw me."

"Probably not your finest hour," Janey agreed with a smile. "But it's in the past and you can't change it. You need to focus on what you are going to do now. You should hold onto that card for now. If you decide to file a complaint, it will be evidence."

After talking for a few more minutes, Annie hugged Janey and thanked her for being such a good friend. Back at home, she waited for Bobby to bring the children home and thought about what she was going to do. She pulled out her prayer journal and spent some time praying over the problem.

She decided that she needed to talk to Bobby about Stan since he had seen her dancing with him and now had seen the flowers he sent. She would talk to him when he brought the children home that night. But when they got home, Ally was so excited about the party that there was no opportunity; she certainly didn't want to bring it up in front of the children.

Just when she was able to send the children upstairs to get ready for bed, Bobby got a call; he and Eames were needed to respond to a suspicious death. She would have to find another time to talk to him. Sunday would be his mother's birthday…hopefully she could find an opportunity to talk to him before that. She hadn't given him his present…but then, he hadn't given her one, either. Annie sighed and went upstairs to hear more about Ally's party.

* * *

After lunch the next day, Annie called the emergency room and found that it was relatively quiet. She asked to speak to Dr. Myers and when he answered, she asked him to come to her office when he had time. He told her that he would be right there. Annie sent up a silent prayer as she waited for him, and tried to quell the butterflies in her stomach. Myers smiled warmly at her when he entered her office, closing the door behind him.

"I would prefer that you leave the door open, Dr. Myers," Annie told him.

"'Dr. Myers?' Why so formal?" He left the door closed and sat down in a chair. "Did you like the flowers? As soon as I saw them, I thought of you."

Annie took a deep breath and got up. Moving around her desk, she opened the door and turned to face him.

"Look, Dr. Myers, I need to be very clear," she told him. "Sending flowers to me, asking me out for dates, telling me that you will 'wait' for me…those are all very inappropriate and it needs to stop now. I am a married woman; you and I are never going to have anything but a professional relationship. If I have done or said anything that has led you to think that I would be interested in anything more, then I apologize."

"You mean like rubbing yourself against me while we were dancing?"

Annie sighed and moved back around her desk to sit down.

"Actually, yes…that's exactly what I mean. I don't even remember very much about that night. I had never had alcohol before in my life, and I was drunk, I was missing Bobby. I was wrong to put myself in that situation, and I was wrong to give you the wrong idea about what I wanted to happen. I'm very sorry. And…I'm still married."

"It's not much of a marriage, Annie. You haven't lived with your husband for nearly a year."

"It doesn't matter. All that matters is that I am married. Our relationship will never be anything more than professional. If you can't accept that, if you are going to persist in these inappropriate advances…." Annie hesitated a moment before continuing. "….then I will turn in my resignation and find a job in another hospital."

Myers looked at her in shock. "You…you would quit your job? But you've been here….I don't know…longer than I have. And you're a supervisor. You would just walk away from all that?"

"Yes I would," she said firmly. "If you won't honor my wishes and leave me alone, then I only see two choices….file a sexual harassment complaint, or leave. I don't want to drag the hospital into this, I don't want to cause any problems between the nurses and the doctors as people choose sides….and I don't want the attention. So that only leaves me with the alternative…leave this hospital so that I won't have contact with you."

Myers looked down at his hands in his lap for a moment before answering. "What if you weren't married," he asked quietly. "Would you go out with me then?"

"I don't play the 'what if' game. I only deal with what is."

"Alright, Annie," Myers said, standing up. "You don't need to quit your job…I'll leave you alone." He stood in the doorway and looked back at her. "But I think your husband is a fool."

* * *

"So that was your brother," Alex said as they drove away from the Light of Heaven Evangelical Institute.

"Yeah…that was him," Bobby answered.

He hadn't seen Frank since the Sunday after Thanksgiving, the day Annie had reentered his mother's life. Frank had not shown up for Thanksgiving as he said he would so Annie called him…baited him, made him angry….and he went to the hospital to see Mom. But that was the last time he came to visit. Not long after, his phone was no longer in service. Bobby stopped by the last address he had for him, but Frank no longer lived there.

"How long's it been since you saw him?"

Bobby sighed. "Thanksgiving....He, uh, pulls these disappearing acts. But he said that he'll go with me to see Mom on Sunday…it's her birthday."

"Well, that's good…isn't it?"

"Yeah…yeah, I hope so." But Bobby wasn't so sure.

* * *

Bobby called Annie about his mother's birthday and told her that he and Frank would be visiting her together. Annie told him that she would take the children to see her later in the afternoon so that Frances could have time alone with her sons. They arrived to find Frances sullen and quiet because Frank had not shown up. Bobby's present to her was still sitting on the table, unopened.

The flurry of the children hugging and kissing her, insisting that she open their presents, the lighting and blowing out of the contraband candles on the cake Annie brought, all served to lighten her mood somewhat. But although she opened Bobby's gift and thanked him, she remained coolly aloof with him. Annie watched and refrained from commenting on the fact that, once again, Frank disappointed his mother but Bobby was the one she blamed. _It's between Bobby and his mother,_ she reminded herself.

Resorting to something that usually soothed her mother-in-law, Annie offered to give her a manicure, and sent the children to the gift shop. Bobby made an excuse and left the room as well. The manicure had the desired effect as Annie and Frances talked, and Frances began to relax.

"Annie, do you think you and Bobby will get back together?"

Annie didn't answer right away…partly because she was shocked that Frances would bring it up and partly because she wasn't sure of what the answer was. Since barging into Frances' hospital room and back into her life, they had fallen into an easy relationship. But there had been an unspoken agreement not to talk about Annie's and Bobby's marriage. An agreement that Frances had just broken.

"I…I don't know, Mom," she said slowly. "I think….maybe….not. It's just that…well, everyone seems to be…I don't know…_settling in_, you know? Our routines have adjusted. Bobby has his apartment, the kids know when they will be with him and when they will be with me, we have these…schedules of who picks them up from school on what days. This is….our life now."

"Haven't the two of you talked about it?"

"No…not since the beginning of the separation when he…when we agreed it was only temporary. And now…well, we talk about you and we talk about the kids. It's friendly....and….that's our life now," she repeated.

Frances looked at her for a moment before asking softly, "Do you think you will get a divorce?"

Annie fought to keep her voice neutral. "I don't know, Mom."

"Do you want a divorce?"

Annie took a deep breath before answering and when she did her voice was soft.

"I want Bobby to be happy." They were silent for a moment, and then Annie said briskly, "Right now what I want is to finish this manicure before the kids come barreling in that door. I don't want you to smudge your polish."

* * *

"_Just because the science exists, doesn't always make it the best choice for the family."_

Dr. Syleste's comment stayed with Bobby as he made his way back to his mother's room. The chemotherapy and radiation hadn't had the results he hoped for. The experimental treatment seemed promising, but she wasn't eligible to be in the study and the treatment itself was not covered by her Medicaid. When Dr. Syleste told him the cost of paying for the treatment, Bobby's heart sank. There was no way he could afford it.

His cell phone vibrated and he pulled it out of his pocket. A message from Eames…she and Captain Ross had questioned Diego, and now Bobby was needed back at One Police Plaza. He sighed…another reason for his mother to be angry with him. He stopped outside her room when he heard her conversation with Annie.

"_I want Bobby to be happy."_

Bobby covered his mouth with his hand and closed his eyes for a moment. That didn't tell him what _Annie_ wanted. Did she want him to come home or was she "settling in"? And was she interested in someone else…someone who sent her flowers for Valentine's Day? Frank, Mom, Annie….he didn't know what to do for any of them. Taking a deep breath, Bobby went in to tell his mother and his wife that he had to go back to work.

* * *

Alex glanced at her partner as they rode the elevator back up to the eleventh floor from the Medical Examiner's office. She knew he must be shaken, but his expression didn't reveal anything. No surprise there…Bobby had been closed off for a long time.

"You can't do it all alone, Bobby," she said.

"Eames…."

"It's a lot…your mother, your brother, the job. Everyone needs support, and you used to have that."

Bobby sighed and looked at the floor. "I pushed her away, Eames."

"I know you did," she told him. "But at Thanksgiving, when I told her you needed her….she was there to help."

"Yeah....she was….."

"Talk to her."

Bobby didn't answer and they were silent until the elevator doors opened. Alex stepped out first and turned to Bobby.

"Talk to your wife, Goren."

Several hours later, Bobby sat in his Mustang in the driveway next to Annie's SUV. The lights were off inside the house, his family asleep. He had thought he couldn't follow Eames' advice, had gone to a bar instead. But after nursing two drinks, he realized that getting drunk was not what he wanted. He wanted Annie.

* * *

"_Oooooooo... Oooooooo... Oooo... Oooo... Oooo..."_

**The voice of ****Israel Kamakawiwo'ole dragged Annie from a deep sleep.**

"_Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high,  
And the dreams that you dreamed of, Once in a lullaby."_

The ringtone continued as she turned onto her side and tried to locate her cell phone. Finally, her fingers closed around it and she opened it.

"Hello," she said hoarsely.

"Annie….."

"Bobby?" She sat up and looked at the clock. Almost midnight. "Is something wrong? Did something happen with your mother?"

"Annie...I just…I need to talk to you."

"Where are you?"

"Out front…can I come in?"

"Yes," she said, fear coiling in her stomach.

When Bobby showed up at the restaurant on New Year's Eve, when he kissed her at midnight….Annie had hoped it meant he wanted to come home. But as the weeks passed and he didn't mention the kiss, or coming home, she had forced herself to consider the idea that he might want a divorce. Was he coming here tonight to tell her that it was over?

She reached the bottom of the stairs just as the front door opened and Bobby stepped inside. He was holding his folded black overcoat. He looked at her silently for a moment before moving to sit on the couch, laying the coat next to him. Taking a deep breath, Annie sat on the coffee table, her knees almost touching his. He didn't speak for several long moments and Annie forced herself to wait.

"I gave my coat….this coat….to Frank a few days ago," he said finally, surprising her.

"Oh…you did?"

He sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Annie, I hadn't seen Frank since that day you got him to come visit Mom. His phone service was disconnected, he wasn't living in that ratty apartment….he just disappeared and I had no idea where he was. Until a few days ago when Eames and I came out of Riggins' church….and I saw Frank in the food line outside." Annie nodded. This was a familiar story, one that had played out numerous times over the years.

"He looked bad," Bobby continued. "As bad as I've ever seen him. But he said the church helped him get clean, that he was trying to get his life together. And I told him I wanted him to go with me to see Mom on her birthday. He said he would, but…well, you know that didn't happen. But I gave him some money and….I gave him my coat because it was really cold that day. I put my card in the pocket and told him to call me if…he needed anything." He looked at her, but she didn't answer.

"Tonight the captain told me that Rodgers had called….that I needed to go to the morgue. To….identify a John Doe that came in. A John Doe wearing this coat, with my card in the pocket."

"Bobby, no!" Annie's eyes widened and her hand went to her mouth.

"It wasn't him, Annie," Bobby said, his voice cracking. "It wasn't him. It was someone else. Frank must have sold the coat to this guy."

"Bobby," she whispered, taking his hands.

Bobby closed his eyes and brought one of her hands to his cheek. "It's too much, you know? I…uh….I talked to Dr. Syleste yesterday, while you were giving Mom a manicure. I asked him about the experimental treatment."

"The monoclonal antibodies? What did he say?"

"That she's not a candidate for the trials because the…..lymphoma…is advanced. And because of her mental health. And there isn't time to apply for Compassionate Use." He sighed and clasped her hands in his on his lap. "I told him that I've got a friend in the FDA who could help clear the way for her to receive the treatment. But…Medicaid won't cover it, and it will cost five or six thousand dollars….a month." Annie's heart broke at the haunted look he gave her. "It's the last chance she's got, Annie. But….that kind of money….I can't do it."

"Yes we can," she said softly.

"What?" He stared at her.

"We can take out a second mortgage on the house. We have enough equity…we should be able to finance the treatment."

"You….you would do that?" he asked in a choked voice.

"She's your mother, Bobby….of course I would."

"I….I don't know what to say. A second mortgage payment….that won't be easy."

"No, it won't," she agreed. Taking a deep breath, she plunged ahead. "Especially supporting two households at the same time."

His grip on her hands tightened slightly. "What are you saying, Annie?"

"You could….give up your apartment." She paused for a moment and it felt as though they were both holding their breath. "And….come home."

She searched his face and waited. Bobby released her hands and reached for her, pulling her onto his lap, into his arms. He held her tightly and whispered, "Annie….I need you."

She wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her cheek on his shoulder, closing her eyes and letting disappointment sweep through her. He didn't say _I love you_, or _I want you._ Those were the words she wanted to hear more than anything in the world. _I need you._ Was that enough?

Turning her head, she lightly kissed his temple, and then stood up. Taking both his hands in hers, she silently pulled him to his feet and led him up the stairs to their bedroom. Once inside, Bobby pushed the door closed and pulled her against him, laying his face against the top of her head.

"I'll be right back," he whispered, releasing her and heading for the bathroom.

Suddenly nervous, Annie wondered if she should change from her flannel pajama bottoms and tee shirt into something….sexier. She moved to her dresser and opened a drawer, smiling as she ran her fingers over the silk lingerie. Which one, she wondered. Black, white, red……She looked up as Bobby came out of the bathroom, his eyes meeting hers in the mirror.

"Annie….I….have to ask you something." He hesitated a moment and she waited, her hand closing on a white teddy. "Have you…..been….with anyone?"

Her eyes never left his, even as her smile faded and a blush spread across her face. He still thought she had slept with Dr. Myers? With someone? But he was willing to come home even though he didn't trust her. Because he _needed_ her? She released the teddy.

"No," she said, closing the dresser drawer. "No, I haven't. But…if you are….concerned….I still have the condoms they gave me after my needle stick. Or," she added as he slowly moved towards her, "if you would prefer, you don't have to….do….this. We can turn your office into a bedroom. That way you could have your own….space."

"Do you want me to sleep in the basement?" His voice was soft and he stood behind her, so close that she could feel the heat coming off his body.

"No," she whispered. "But I don't want you to feel….obligated."

He placed one hand on the dresser next to her and leaned with his mouth almost touching her ear as the fingers of his other hand tangled in the short hair at the back of her neck. His eyes continued to hold hers in the mirror.

"I was so shocked to see your hair cut short that I don't think I ever told you how beautiful it looks on you." Annie's heart began to hammer in her chest as he continued. "Although I miss brushing and braiding your long hair, and I miss running my fingers through it." His lips brushed her ear as he whispered, "I miss _you_, Annie. I love you."

Annie's breath caught in her throat as she turned into his embrace. He overwhelmed all of her senses; the intensity of desire in his dark brown eyes, the sound of his deep voice whispering her name, the scent that was quintessentially Bobby, the feel of his body pressed against her, the lingering taste of scotch as his mouth covered hers. Suddenly nothing else mattered except the one thought swirling through her mind over and over.

_Bobby is home!_

**End chapter 13**


	14. Chapter 14

**DECONSTRUCTION**

_This chapter picks up immediately after chapter 13, with Bobby's homecoming, and references the episode "30". _

_Thank you, Judyg, for beta'ing and letting me bounce ideas off of you. _

**CHAPTER 14**

_It's still dark when I awaken. In my house, in my bedroom, in my bed….with my wife's body wrapped around me, her legs tangled with mine. It's strange not to have her long blond hair spread out around us….but her short, sleep-tousled hair is incredibly appealing. It's also strange for Annie to be sleeping completely naked; although not ashamed of her body in any way, she has always preferred for both of us to wear something to sleep in. But after making love, we both just collapsed as we were. After fifteen years of marriage, I want her just as much as I did on our wedding night. Whatever other problems we have had in the last few years, sex was not one of them. As we grew further and further apart, Annie and I both used sex to try to maintain our intimacy. It didn't work then, and I hope we can regain that intimacy now. But maybe we have both grown in the eight months we were apart; maybe we are wiser because of the separation._

_When I went into the bathroom last night, I couldn't seem to stop myself from looking in the medicine cabinet. The birth control pills are still there. I don't understand why she is taking them. But she says she hasn't been with anyone else, and I could see that my question upset her although she held onto her composure. She hasn't slept with Myers….but had she been considering it? Have they discussed having a future? None of this makes sense to me….not Annie._

_For now, I just want to savor this moment; the feel of Annie against me, her body warm and heavy with sleep, her heartbeat answering the thud of my own. God, how I've missed her! Later, when it's time for everyone to wake up, I will go downstairs and make breakfast for my family. But right now, much as I hate to disturb her sleep more than I have already this night, I want more than anything to feel Annie's heated responses to my touch, to hear her softly and passionately crying my name. _

_I begin to leave gentle kisses along her jaw line, her throat, as my hand slides over her body….fifteen years of experience telling me exactly where and how to touch her. She whimpers softly and presses against me, aroused before she is even fully awake. She opens to me; her arms, her legs, her heart. And she welcomes me home._

* * *

Ally groaned as she reached over to turn off her alarm. She rolled out of bed, made her way to the bathroom, and got into the shower. She liked to get in early, before Phillip and Andrew got up and started bugging her about how long she took. After dressing and making her bed, she could hear the boys moving around in their room as she headed downstairs. She smelled bacon cooking and….coffee? Mom didn't drink coffee. In the kitchen, she stopped short and stared at her father as he turned and smiled at her.

"Good morning, Sweetheart."

"Daddy?" She was unable to make sense of him being there. "What…what are you doing here?"

"I'm making breakfast," he told her.

"But….why….why are you here?"

"I live here," he said quietly.

"You live….you mean….you're home?"

He nodded and said, "Yes."

Ally's eyes filled with tears and she covered her face with her hands, sobs shaking her body. Suddenly Dad was there, pulling her into his arms, holding her tightly, whispering soothing words to her.

"I thought you and Mom were getting a divorce," she sobbed. "I thought you weren't coming home."

"Dad!"

Bobby kept one arm around his weeping daughter while holding out his other to his sons as Andrew barreled into him with Phillip a few steps behind.

"I'm home now," he whispered against Ally's hair. "I'm home."

* * *

Annie rolled over, eyes still closed, and reached for Bobby. His side of the bed was empty, but she smiled and sighed deeply at the muted sounds from downstairs. Bobby and the children were in the kitchen and the scent of bacon and eggs drifted up to her. She opened her eyes and her smile widened at the sight of rumpled linens. Pulling Bobby's pillow towards her, she buried her face against it and inhaled deeply.

Downstairs, in her pajamas and bathrobe, Annie stood in the doorway of the kitchen watching her family. Bobby was at the stove, scrambling eggs. Ally was setting the table and the twins were getting juice and milk out of the refrigerator and setting them on the table. Unnoticed for the moment, Annie leaned her shoulder and her head against the wall, listening to them talk and laugh.

Watching Bobby move from the stove to the sink and back to the stove, she suddenly realized how much gray was peppered through his dark curls. The weight he had gained in the last few years, and the lumbering way he moved since his knee injury, together with the gray hair, made her think of a polar bear. _Funny_, she thought with a grin, _I've never thought of polar bears as sexy_….

Her smile faded a bit as she thought back to the night before. She remembered how he limped when he came into the house, and then climbed up the stairs. He wasn't limping much this morning; fatigue seemed to make his knee hurt more. And the extra weight probably only exacerbated it. For the first time she felt a tingle of worry. Should she be concerned about his weight…about his health?

Her smile returned as the polar bear in question turned and caught sight of her. Moving to stand in front of her, he leaned down to kiss her temple and whisper in her ear, "Good morning"; his deep voice sending a chill down her spine.

"Good morning," she said breathlessly just before his lips covered hers.

"Ewwwww!" Three voices registered their disapproval at the public display of affection. Laughing brown eyes locked with amused blue ones as they both chuckled.

"Guess we better sit down and eat now…we certainly don't want to cause our offspring to get sick," he told her.

Annie didn't eat very much, content to watch her family. Her heart was full at the obvious delight of the children to have Dad home again.

* * *

After breakfast, Annie sent the children upstairs to finish getting ready for school as she and Bobby cleaned the kitchen.

"I called the captain," he told her. "I'm taking the day off. I'll drop the kids at school and then go get my stuff." He held her gaze for a moment. "If....you're sure...?"

Leaning against the counter she said, "I'm sure if you're sure."

He caught her face between his hands and rested his forehead against hers.

"I love you," he whispered.

Annie wrapped her arms around his waist and laid her cheek against his chest.

"I love you, Bobby." Lifting her head she added, "I'm going to take the day off, too. I want to call the bank and make an appointment...we need to get the paperwork started. And....I think we should tell your mother in person. Maybe when the kids get out of school we can drive up there...take dinner to her."

* * *

Once Bobby and the children left, Annie went upstairs to shower and dress. Opening the medicine cabinet, she pulled out her birth control pills and took one. She started to put it back, but hesitated. Bobby would see them in there and wonder why she was taking them. Annie suddenly felt shy…..embarrassed. She hadn't talked to anyone but her doctor about being perimenopausal.

Annie looked at herself in the mirror, the memory of the night making her blush with pleasure. When Bobby made love to her, she didn't feel like a forty-five year old mother of three who was approaching menopause. She felt…..young, beautiful, and desirable. The last thing she wanted to talk to him about right now was hot flashes and mood swings and….decreasing estrogen.

Later…they could talk about it later. After issues with his mother were settled. After they had become accustomed to being together again. Then she would tell him and they would laugh about it. Maybe she wouldn't need to tell him at all. Dr. Deed said that this should be short-term. The hormones hadn't eliminated her hot flashes…or her mood swings. But they were much more manageable now. Maybe in a few months she could stop taking them and she wouldn't need to have that uncomfortable conversation.

In the meantime she needed to put the pills where Bobby would not come across them. Annie opened a drawer and slipped them under a sweater, next to the card that had come with the flowers on Valentine's Day. Another uncomfortable conversation she was not anxious to have with her husband. She quickly dressed and dried her hair. Downstairs, she found the number for the bank.

* * *

Bobby stood in the doorway, looking at the small apartment for the last time. Although it was furnished and there was noise from traffic outside, he thought, as he had the day he moved in, how silent and empty it seemed compared to the house where his wife and children lived. He had brought Annie's SUV so that he could get all his things in one trip. So after taking the key to the super and settling with him, Bobby left the building without looking back. He was going home.

* * *

Bobby and Annie met with the loan officer at the bank and set the paperwork in motion for a second mortgage on their house. Annie swallowed hard as she signed the papers. She realized that in the back of her mind she had harbored the hope that Bobby would return home, everything would return to normal, and she would step down from her supervisor position to the part-time nursing position she loved. Watching the loan officer efficiently stamping each paper, she envisioned herself chained to a job she hated for years to come. Mentally shaking herself, Annie firmly pushed her self-pity away. This was her idea, wasn't it?

Back at home, Bobby called Dr. Syleste and told him that within days his friend with the FDA would have approval for Frances to begin the experimental treatment. Annie leaned against the wall and watched as he finished unpacking. They would pick the children up from school and drive to Carmel Ridge to tell his mother that he had moved home…and that she would soon begin the new treatment. He closed the last suitcase after emptying it and set it on the floor of the closet. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he looked at her and smiled.

"You know, when I ran into Frank outside that church he asked me if Eames was my wife."

"Frank's fondest hope and wildest dream," Annie said with a laugh, "to be rid of me."

Bobby laughed with her and patted the bed. "I have something for you. I bought it for you for Valentine's Day, but….well…things were….complicated."

Annie blushed and couldn't meet his gaze as she moved across the room and sat next to him. She didn't know what she would say if he asked her about the flowers. She knew the suspicions he had about her and Stan Myers, and the flowers must have only confirmed in his mind that something was going on. He seemed to accept her statement that she hadn't slept with anyone. But did he really believe her? What could she say or do to convince him?

But Bobby didn't mention the flowers or Myers. He pressed a small, gift-wrapped package into her hand. She felt his eyes on her and she was suddenly nervous, her hands trembling as she tore the paper to reveal a small jewelry box. She opened it and blinked back tears at the delicate silver chain bracelet inside with four silver charms attached to it. Gently lifting it from the box, she saw a heart with their wedding date engraved on one side and "Bobby and Annie" on the other, a girl's profile and two boys' profiles….the children's birthdates on one side and their names on the other.

"Bobby," she whispered. "It's lovely." She looked up at him and smiled tremulously. "Thank you."

"I'm glad you like it," he told her. He gently fastened it around her wrist and then kissed her.

"I…I have something for you, too."

Annie reached over and opened the drawer in her bedside table. She pulled a package from it and handed it to Bobby. He smiled at her and opened the gift. Inside was a framed picture of himself, his mother, and his brother. He frowned as he looked at it; he didn't remember seeing it before. He looked to be around two years old, Frank about five. His eyes were riveted on his mother; she was young and healthy….and laughing. This was the mother he barely remembered. They were all dressed warmly and his mother was sitting in the snow with Bobby and Frank on her lap. Behind them in the snow were three snow angels, two small ones made by him and his brother and a larger one made by Mom. The three of them were looking up at the camera and laughing.

"I don't remember this," he said. "Where did you get it?"

"Mom found it in a box and gave it to me. I had it enlarged and framed."

"I don't recognize the house or yard," he said, staring at the photograph intently. "Did she say where it was taken?"

"In Michigan."

"Michigan?"

"She said it was taken at her Aunt Connie's while you three were there for a visit."

He looked up at her. "Aunt Connie? You mean….my grandfather's sister?" Annie nodded and Bobby looked back at the picture. "I don't ever remember meeting her. Did Mom tell you anything else?"

"Just that it was one of the happiest days of her life."

Bobby was silent for several minutes, looking at the exuberant joy of his mother playing with her young sons. Setting it on the table, he put his arm around Annie and pulled her close.

"Thank you," he whispered just before his lips touched hers.

He kissed her slowly and deeply, his tongue leisurely tracing her mouth. She wrapped her arms around his waist and sank into the kiss. Bobby gently pushed her back onto the bed and lifted his head to look at her.

"Annie, I'm sorry....for....everything," he whispered.

She reached up and laid her hand on his cheek, lightly rubbing her palm against his stubble.

"I'm sorry, too," she replied.

"How much time do we have," he asked hoarsely.

"Enough," she answered breathlessly as his hands slid under her shirt and his lips roamed over her face and throat.

* * *

"Cop Pops Pol" Sarah read the yellowed newspaper clipping that Mike had carried for more than ten years, recounting the famous incident of then-homicide Detective Mike Logan very publicly punching a homophobic city councilman following his mistrial in the murder of another…gay…councilman. They were sitting on the couch in Mike's apartment, after finishing the dinner Sarah had prepared. She handed the clipping back to him without a word and he gave her another clipping. This one was dated a few weeks later.

"Detective Mike Logan is a dichotomy within the NYPD. Part old-time, cynical, hard-bitten cop and part 'kinder, gentler,' more sensitive detective, Mike Logan is not easy to pigeon-hole. Known within the department as a 'hot-head', he freely admitted to coercing a confession from the man who murdered his former partner, Sergeant Max Greevey, four years ago. Dan Magadan Jr. was convicted without the tainted confession, thanks to the evidence uncovered by this same detective. During the trial of Councilman Kevin Crossley, Logan admitted to having, in the past, joked about 'homo-cide' while investigating murders that may have occurred during domestic violence between gay lovers. Yet he is known within the NYPD as a cop who will investigate the murder of a homeless person just as vigorously as that of the wealthiest victim on Park Avenue. He didn't hesitate to join his fellow officers to try to protect Crossley from the gay activists enraged by his mistrial, only to punch Crossley himself when he made derogatory statements about the gay community.

"Is Mike Logan a bigoted dinosaur left over from an anachronistic time in the NYPD that is best forgotten? Or is he an enlightened new-age detective who wants only justice for all victims? Logan himself has no time or patience for such existential questions. 'I'm a cop,' he says simply.

"In the end, this is perhaps the most appropriate description of a complicated man. A look at the cases he has investigated as a homicide detective reveal a high solve rate, with a majority of those cases that go to trial ending with a conviction. As both a uniformed officer and as a detective, Logan has earned a reputation within the NYPD as a cop who 'has the back' of his fellow officers, yet he has not always gone along with the 'buddy-boy' system.

"As punishment for his latest indiscretion, Logan has been temporarily reassigned to Staten Island. While the borough of Staten Island needs good cops just as much as any of the other four, investigating high-end burglaries of million-dollar homes does not seem to be the best use of this particular detective's talents. It is this reporter's hope that the 'exile' will indeed be temporary and short-lived, and that the brass within the NYPD will realize that Detective Mike Logan's unique capacity to ignore politics and seek justice for victims are exactly what are needed in the 27th precinct."

"Wow," Sarah said.

"Josh stuck up for me and it cost him his own career," Mike told her. "And now he's dead. He thought he was on the story of a lifetime and it turned out to be just a big hoax, and then he's poisoned by accident when they were really after his girlfriend....it's all so....senseless."

"He was a good friend." Sarah handed the clippings back to him.

"But I wasn't much of a friend to him....I lost contact with him for all those years...while he was paying the price for being a good friend to me."

Sarah said softly, "I know you feel guilty about not keeping in touch with him. But that had nothing to do with his death. And you did everything you could to find out who poisoned him. You were there for him, trying to help him. There was nothing you could have done to prevent his death." She smiled sadly and held his face in her hands. "Maybe you should give yourself a break."

He smiled at her and ran his fingers through her hair. "Easier said than done…but I know you're right."

"Mike…" Sarah dropped her hands and hesitated. "That part about coercing a confession from your partner's killer…is that true?"

"Yeah," he answered with a sigh. "It's true, Sarah."

"How?"

He looked at her for a moment before answering, "I made him get down on his knees and then I put the barrel of my gun to his head, pulled the hammer back so he could hear it click…and made him tell me what he did to Max."

"Oh."

Sarah couldn't think of anything else to say. She was having difficulty reconciling the image of Mike holding a gun to a frightened man's head with the man she knew. He was passionate and she realized that violence was sometimes an unavoidable part of his job. But this sounded so….calculated, so….cruel. The hands that were skillful and tender when making love to her, the hands that were gentle and careful when tucking her daughter into bed…how could those same hands coldly hold a gun to a man's head?

"Look, I know you can't understand this, Sweetheart. And it sure wasn't my finest moment. In fact, because of me, the scumbag almost got off. I didn't exactly plan to do it, but I admit when I went looking for him…I was going to get a confession. No matter what."

"What if he hadn't confessed? Would you have shot him?"

"No…I don't think so."

Sarah's eyes widened. "You don't _think_ so?! But, Mike….what if he had been innocent? Wouldn't anyone confess to something they didn't do if you threaten them with a gun?"

"Yes…but Sarah…I _knew_ he was the one." Mike could see she was trying to understand, but was disturbed by what she was hearing. "I'm not saying what I did was right. It was wrong…not only was it illegal, but Max's killer could have gone free because of it. Stone was able to get a conviction anyway, but what I did was stupid. I wish I could explain to you how crazy with grief I was after Max's murder. I had never lost a partner and I didn't realize just how hard it was. But…it's almost like losing a spouse. When you're a cop, your partner is an important part of your life. You have to trust him or her completely. Max told me things he never told Marie…and believe me, Max and Marie were crazy in love." Mike sighed. "I didn't really plan on threatening Magadan like that. But when I caught up with him, suddenly all I could see was Max kneeling in his driveway and I could hear Marie screaming."

"H…his driveway?" Sarah looked at him with shock. "Max was killed in his own driveway?"

"Yeah….I was on the phone with Marie, waiting for Max to come in…and then…Marie started screaming."

Sarah was silent and Mike watched her face, looking for some indication of what she was feeling.

"I can't imagine what that was like for her," Sarah said softly.

"Yeah, well….Marie is a tough lady," Mike told her with a smile. "Sarah, does this…hearing about what I did…does it change anything? Does it change how you feel about me?"

"No," she replied slowly. "I love you and this doesn't change that. I just…." She looked at him, bewilderment in her eyes. "I just didn't realize how much there is about your job that I know nothing about."

"I'm not the first cop you've ever known, Sweetheart. Your uncle is a cop. And you knew Goren long before you met me. You've met other cops at Jimmy's and Angie's house."

"Yes," she agreed. "But I mostly knew Bobby and Annie from the library and sometimes Uncle Jimmy's house…but we weren't that close back then…we didn't talk about things like this. And Uncle Jimmy didn't talk much about the job…not around us kids, anyway. I…I guess I never gave it much thought. Maybe I romanticized police work from what I saw on TV and because my uncle was such a big part of my life. I just never knew what it was he really did and went through." She smiled at him. "But you…it doesn't change how I feel about you. I'm crazy in love with you, Mike Logan."

Mike released the breath he hadn't realized he was holding. He reached for her and pulled her into his arms.

* * *

Alex glanced at Bobby as she maneuvered the NYPD-issue SUV through traffic. He hadn't said very much about Annie or the children in the week since he moved home, but he seemed more relaxed. Alex was happy for Bobby and Annie. She knew that he must have gone to see Annie the night he was called to the morgue. Although it turned out not to be his brother dead on that table, she could see how shaken he was. Alex told him that night to talk to his wife, but had doubted he would. So she was pleased when he called the next day with the news that he was not coming in to work…and the reason why.

"How are the kids," she asked. "I bet they are thrilled to have you home."

"Yeah…they are. And they are great."

"And Annie?"

"Annie?" Bobby turned to grin at her. "Annie is Annie. She's been up to Carmel Ridge three times in the last week…talking to Dr. Syleste about the new treatment, talking to Mom, talking to the staff."

Alex chuckled. "She does know how to take charge when she wants to." She was silent for a moment before asking, "And how are….things?"

Bobby looked at her soberly for a moment and then shrugged.

"Good…I guess."

"You guess?"

"No…things are good…with Annie and me. It's just…things are different."

"Different how?" Alex tried not to show her surprise…it had been a long time since he had been willing to talk about his personal life.

"While I was gone," Bobby was saying, "they all…coped, you know?" Alex nodded, waiting for him to continue. "Annie works late or brings work home almost every night. Ally is babysitting now…her brothers and other children in the neighborhood. All three kids have sports, music, church activities. They don't eat dinner together very often…and Annie was always so insistent on family dinners." Bobby looked out the window. "The whole household routine has changed. And it doesn't include me."

"Well," Alex answered slowly, "it's like you said…they coped. They adjusted to you not being there and now they'll adjust to you being home. I know that if you ask any of them, they would tell you that they are happy to make this adjustment."

Bobby nodded, still looking out the window.

"Yeah, I guess."

Alex frowned and tried not to worry about her partner.

* * *

Annie and Sarah were having lunch at a diner near the hospital. It was Sarah's day off; she wanted to catch up with Annie and see how the family was doing now that Bobby was home. But Annie was so busy lately that her lunch break was the only time they could find time to get together. As they ate, they talked about work, children, and the busyness of life.

"I was so happy to hear that you and Bobby are back together," Sarah said. "How are things going?"

"Good," Annie told her. "Weird, but good."

"Weird…how so?"

"I don't know," Annie said. "We were apart for eight months. Readjusting to one another is a challenge. Things are different now. My job takes up more of my time. The kids have even more things going on. And there's Bobby's mother…dealing with her illness and treatment. We are all so busy now, there never seems to be time to…relax, talk."

"Well, you need to make time." Sarah smiled across the table. "I know…easier said than done."

"Yes it is," chuckled Annie. "But you're right. It's important to make time for one another." Realizing that she had revealed more than she intended, Annie changed the subject. "How about you? Are you and Mike making time for one another?"

"Oh, yes…we make time for one another." Sarah laughed. "Although, now that Mike and Jia Li have gotten to know each other, she always wants to be included in any date with 'Tective Mike."

"So I take it that 'Tective Bobby has been replaced in her affections?"

"I don't know about replaced…but he definitely has some company."

"I'm glad things are going well."

"I am too," Sarah replied. "Mike has been great with Jia Li. Maybe because he hasn't been around very many children, he just treats her like an adult. He listens to her and takes everything she says so seriously. I think that's one of the reasons she loves him so much. Well, that and he never tires of reading to her."

Both women laughed.

"You have certainly instilled a love of books in her," Annie said.

They talked for a few more minutes and then Sarah asked, "Annie, how long have you known Mike?"

"Oh, I don't know," Annie said, frowning in concentration as she tried to remember.

"Did you know him when his partner, Max, was killed?"

"I knew who he was…he and Max had come to the ER to interview victims. But I didn't really _know_ him. Why?"

"I was just wondering if you…saw how he was after Max died."

Annie shook her head. "No, not really. I had read about Max and remembered him and Mike from the hospital. And eventually I saw Mike there from time to time with his next partner….I don't remember his name."

"Phil Cerreta."

"Phil…right. And then there was Lennie Brisco…I knew him better...and his partner after Mike left, Ed Green. I got to know Brisco and Green better than I knew Mike or the others."

"Did you know…." Sarah hesitated.

"Did I know what?"

"Did you know that Mike held a gun to a man's head and forced him to confess to killing Max?"

"No!" Annie said in surprise. "Did Mike tell you that?"

Sarah nodded. "Yes."

"It's been so long, I don't really remember what I read about the case…but the man was convicted, wasn't he?"

"Yes. The confession was thrown out, but they were able to convict him anyway."

"Then, everything turned out alright. Mike obviously didn't lose his badge."

"And then there was the incident that got him sent to Staten Island…hitting a councilman." Sarah looked down at her plate.

"Sarah," Annie said, "what's going on?"

"I just hadn't given much thought to the violence of Mike's job." She looked up at Annie. "Does it ever bother you?"

"The violence?" Annie sat back and thought for a moment. "Well…yes…sometimes. I think that there are things about the job that Bobby probably doesn't tell me, because he knows it does bother me. It's hard for me to accept that he carries a gun, even after fifteen years of marriage. I know that it's part of his job, but I hate guns…I'm really terrified of them."

"But Bobby hasn't ever put his gun to someone's head to force them to confess."

"No," Annie said slowly. "No…he's never done that. But you have to remember that it was the man who killed Mike's partner. I have no idea what Bobby would do if something happened to Alex."

"Something did happen to Alex."

"Yes, something did happen to her. And I don't really know what he did or how he reacted at the time. Remember," she said with a smile, "I was in hiding with _your_ boyfriend." Sarah laughed and some of the tension eased as Annie continued. "I wasn't with Bobby while they were looking for Alex, but I saw him after they found her. He was devastated that he couldn't find her, that he hadn't been able to save her. And by that time she was in the hospital, but fine. I really don't know what he would have done if she had….." She trailed off, unable to say the words.

"So you think what Mike did was alright?"

"No, of course not…but it's understandable. And it was fourteen…fifteen years ago? It's been over ten years since he punched that councilman. I would say that Mike has learned from his mistakes and has learned to control his temper. You aren't afraid he might be violent with you…or Jia Li…are you?"

"No," Sarah said. "No, of course not…he's never been anything but gentle and loving with both of us. I guess that's part of what is bothering me. Mike gave me some newspaper clippings to read that were about those two incidents and it's like I was reading about another person. I wonder how he can be so gentle with me, and do the things he needs to do as a cop. And how do you keep the violence from creeping into….the rest of his life?"

Annie sighed. "I think that maybe cops, more than any other profession, learn to compartmentalize in order to keep that violence away from their families. And the families, hopefully, are understanding and supportive." She hesitated a moment and added, "Are you having doubts…about Mike?"

"No…not about Mike," Sarah answered softly. "About me. I mean, we haven't talked about marriage or anything…but I look at you and I look at Aunt Angie and I wonder if I have whatever it is that it takes to be a cop's….to be a part of a cop's family."

Annie reached across the table and squeezed her hand. "I've seen you and Mike Logan together and I think you 'have what it takes.' The most important thing it takes is love…unconditional love."

Annie's phone rang and she pulled it out of her purse with an apologetic look at Sarah. Glancing at the screen, she answered the phone and spoke for a few moments. She sighed as she hung up and slipped it back into her purse.

"I'm sorry, Sarah, but I'm going to have to go."

"Is anything wrong?"

"That was the hospital in Carmel Ridge. Mom has been having a hard time with the new treatment. She's having a bad day and is asking for Bobby or for me. I need to go back to the hospital and let them know I'm taking the rest of the day off."

After paying for their meal, Sarah and Annie walked outside together. Annie gave Sarah a fierce hug.

"Are you and Mike…are you two OK?"

"Yes," Sarah told her, hugging her back. "Mike and I are good. Take care, Annie…and thank you."

Sarah watched Annie for a moment as she walked back to the hospital. Sighing, she pulled out her keys and walked back to her car.

**End chapter 14**

17


	15. Chapter 15

**DECONSTRUCTION**

_This chapter takes place just following Players and during Silencer. Some of this will refer to scenes in Players that were later deleted, having to do with Megan Wheeler's father. If you have never seen those deleted scenes, I would encourage you to look for that episode (I got it on Amazon Video On Demand for $1.99). It's an interesting look into Wheeler's back story and great acting by Julianne Nicholson…and Logan even calls her "Megan"!_

_Thank you again to Judyg for betaing…and letting me bounce ideas off of her. There was one scene that just wasn't working for me and being able to talk about it and whine about it helped immensely! Again, this chapter is longer than I expected…Sorry!_

**CHAPTER 15**

_The sound of my mother retching reaches me as I walk down the hallway towards her room. It breaks my heart to hear her soft sobs as she tries to catch her breath. I stop in the doorway. Annie is in there with her; holding the container for her to throw up into, quickly emptying and rinsing it before bringing it back to her in case she has to vomit again, gently wiping her face with a cool washcloth, putting her arm around Mom's shaking shoulders, whispering soothing words to her. _

_Mom is less than two weeks into the new treatment, but already she is reacting badly to it. She is unable to keep down even the small amount of food Annie coaxes her to eat. The IV fluid is her only real source of nourishment. When she isn't vomiting, she is sleeping. I know this is hard on her. I know that it's hard on Annie…she spends every minute she can here with Mom while continuing to work full time. I know it's hard on the kids because Annie and I are both here at the hospital so much that they don't see either of us very much. It's hard on all of us. But it's also Mom's only chance to beat this. _

_Annie….my heart constricts as I watch her tenderness with Mom. How is it possible to love her more with every passing day? How is it possible that I could have been stupid enough to leave her? While I worried about hurting her physically, I managed to nearly destroy her. She has come out of it stronger, less dependent on me. And that's a good thing, right? Why does it feel as though I've lost something important? _

_For just a moment I linger on the thought that I've been pushing away….I am home, but something is not….right. I can't pin down exactly what is wrong. Annie seems the same, but there is something off in her demeanor. She smiles at me the same way she always has, she responds the same way she always has while making love, she talks to me the same way she always has. Still, I can't rid myself of the nagging doubt that something is….off. Her birth control pills are no longer in the medicine cabinet and I can't help wondering why. Did she stop taking them and throw them away? They weren't in the bathroom trash and I restrained myself from searching the outside trash. This isn't a crime scene and Annie isn't a suspect. _

_Still, I wonder about those pills……._

Sarah walked into the restaurant and looked around, spotting Megan sitting in a booth near the back. She smiled as she slid into the seat across from the detective. The once a week dinners that Sarah had requested as a way to get to know Mike's partner had developed into a real friendship between the two women and they both looked forward to their weekly "dinner date".

"No complaints from Logan about how I am monopolizing your time?" Megan teased.

"No," laughed Sarah. "In fact, Mike is babysitting tonight. I believe they have an exciting evening of pizza, ice cream, and 'Jonah and the Whale Veggie Tales Movie' planned."

"Logan watching 'Veggie Tales'," chuckled Megan. "If you could get a video of that, I know a lot cops who would pay good money to watch it."

"Well, then I guess they would pay extra if I could record Mike singing 'The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything'. The Gorens gave that movie to Jia Li for Christmas and she has watched it at least once a week since, and knows all the songs. Mike has been present for most of those viewings and he knows the songs almost as well as she does. They make quite a duet."

Megan laughed, trying to imagine her sarcastic partner singing children's songs. As dinner progressed, the talk turned to the events of the last week, the case that Mike and Megan had worked, and the discoveries Megan had made about the father she hadn't seen since she was ten.

"So…is it definite that your father is one of….the victims?"

Megan sighed. "Yeah, it's definite. They had to track down my father's dental records…it was him."

"I'm so sorry, Megan. It must have been so hard, waiting and wondering."

"It was weird, you know. All these years I've hated him for rejecting me…and then I discover that it's even worse than I thought. He wasn't a 'respectable' copy write lawyer who dumped his family, but a sleazy lawyer who stole money from the mob….and abandoned his family. And then finding out he was murdered. I mean, I hated him but never wished he was dead. What am I supposed to do with this?"

"Have you talked to your mother," Sarah asked.

"Yes, we talked."

"How is she dealing with it?"

"Pretty much the way she has always dealt with things…denial. She doesn't want to hear about the bribes and the dipping into the mob's profits. I guess it's easier to believe you've been dumped by an upstanding pillar of society than by a common criminal."

"Well, if you ever need to talk, you know I'm here," Sarah told her. "And so is Mike."

"Thanks, Sarah," Megan said. "That really does mean a lot to me. And, for the record, Logan was very….sensitive…about all of this. So," she said briskly, wanting to change the subject. "What do you have planned for St. Patrick's Day? An Irish Catholic cop, even if he's lapsed, has to do _something _to celebrate."

"We are going to the St. Patrick's Day parade with the Gorens, and then Mike and I are going to Marie Greevey's for dinner that night. Why don't you come with us," she said excitedly. "I know that Marie would love to meet Mike's partner."

"Thanks…it sounds fun. But I have a date."

"Oh, well…next time maybe?"

"Sure," Megan told her. "I would love to meet Marie…and get some juicy stories about Logan and the 'good old days.'"

The women laughed as they hugged goodbye and went their separate ways.

Bobby had a cold. He rarely got sick, but there was no doubt about it the night before St. Patrick's Day; the congestion, the coughing, the aches apparent from his muffled groan as he settled into bed….Bobby had a cold. Annie brought him NyQuil and urged him to drink plenty of fluids. The NyQuil helped him to sleep, but in the morning his cold was no better. Annie was conflicted in her desire to have her whole family together at the parade and her nurturing nature that knew he needed to stay in bed. But when his cell phone rang and he looked down at the caller ID, she recognized the expression on his face. He would be neither going to the parade nor staying in bed.

She wanted to remind them that they had spent very little time together as a family, doing something fun…something not related to visiting his sick mother in the hospital. She wanted to tell him that it was important for the children to spend time with both of their parents…together. She wanted to tell him that it was important to _her_ to have one day, one morning, with him. She wanted to tell him to please, just this once, let a parade be more important than a murder. But of course she didn't tell him any of those things.

"You promised!" Ally's disappointment at her father's announcement that he had to go to work echoed Annie's. But while Annie forced herself to keep her thoughts to herself, Ally felt no such compunction. "You promised," she repeated.

"Ally," Bobby said with a sigh, "I'm sorry…but this…it's important."

"_This_ is important," Ally insisted and Annie thought, _Yeah_!

But she didn't say it. Instead she said, "Ally, you know your Dad wants to go to the parade. But this is his job…there's a crime and he has to go."

"Yeah, right," Ally said with disgust dripping from her words. She threw herself onto the couch and muttered…just loud enough that her parents could hear…"_You're_ probably glad he isn't going anyway."

"Ally," Bobby began, but Annie interrupted.

"Ally, please go upstairs and make sure Phillip and Andrew are getting ready."

With a loud, exaggerated sigh, Ally heaved herself up from the couch and stomped up the stairs.

"Annie…that has to stop," Bobby told her.

Annie sighed and forced herself to smile. "It's teenage daughters and their mothers, you know? She's supposed to hate me."

She moved into the kitchen and Bobby followed her.

"But she can't talk to you like that."

"No, I know." Annie found the DayQuil in the cupboard and handed it to Bobby. "Here, you're going to need this today. And I'll take care of this thing with Ally. We'll work it out."

He took two of the liquid capsules with some water and slipped the rest of the package in his pocket. He leaned down and kissed her softly. The sounds of three children arguing loudly drifted from upstairs. Annie sighed and rested her forehead against his chest.

"Can I go with you to the crime scene instead of to the parade?"

Bobby chuckled and dropped a light kiss on her ear before tilting her face up to him and kissing her full on the mouth.

Ally tried to maintain her sullen outrage over the change in plans. But it was difficult for her to resist the cheerful charm of Mike Logan. He was laughing and joking, speaking in a terrible Irish brogue, insisting that everyone wear the green plastic hats he bought from a street vendor. He found a spot where the boys would be able to see clearly and he lifted Jia Li up so that she could see as well. Annie realized with shock that she and Ally were the same height. _When did that happen_, she wondered. Before long, even Ally was smiling…then laughing…and Annie began to relax as well and enjoy the parade.

Dinner at Marie's that night was fun. Sarah enjoyed watching the woman tease Mike, as though he were a member of the family. And Mike seemed to enjoy it just as much. The food was "stick-to-your-ribs" fare…Irish, of course: Lamb Stew, Corned Beef and Cabbage, Irish Soda Bread, Colcannon, Irish Chocolate Cake (which included the surprising ingredient of mashed potatoes, along with the Irish Cream Liqueur), and of course, Irish coffee. Marie's children and grandchildren were a noisy, friendly, and happy bunch, and Jia Li was immediately pulled into playing with the other children.

After dinner was over and the kitchen cleaned, groups formed to play various games. The children wandered off to the bedrooms to play, or talk about the adults. Sarah and Mike played several hands of Gin Rummy, which Sarah took great delight in winning. Later, they joined Marie in the kitchen for a quiet cup of coffee. Mike and Marie reminisced about Max and the days when he and Mike were partners. Eventually, the conversation turned to the night Max was murdered. Sarah listened quietly as Mike and Marie talked about their memories of that night and the days that followed.

"It's been nearly fifteen years," Marie said quietly. "It's hard to imagine Max has been gone that long." She sighed and looked towards the living room where the laughter was still loud and boisterous. "Our kids have grown up, married, had children of their own. And I still miss him…every day." Her gaze drifted to the kitchen window overlooking the driveway. "I can still see him kneeling out there, hear the sound of the gun…."

Sarah gasped softly, so softly that Mike and Marie didn't notice. She hadn't realized that this was the same house…that was the same driveway…where Max had been shot. Why would Marie stay here after a tragedy like that?

"I've always wondered…." Maries eyes were moist as she turned back to Mike. "I've always wondered what was going through his mind just before he died…what his last thoughts might have been."

"I know what he was thinking about," Mike said quietly. Marie and Sarah both looked at him questioningly. "Last month, Wheeler and I were chasing down a lead on a material witness. I thought I saw her going up the fire escape and I took off after her, while Wheeler was trying to get in the front. Well, the witness got away, but there was someone else after her and I suddenly found myself staring up at the next landing…and into the barrel of a gun. I didn't have time to draw my own piece…the guy had me. This guy had already killed a cop once before….and had gotten off. He just stood there smiling down at me. I knew he was going to shoot me and there was nothing I could do." Sarah's eyes widened. Mike had told her about Wheeler "having his back"…but he had joked about it. She had no idea until this moment just how serious it had been. "All I could think about was Sarah and Jia Li. All these…_moments_…with them just played over and over in my mind." Mike laid his hand on Marie's. "That's what was in Max's mind, Marie…you and the kids."

Marie squeezed Mike's hand gratefully and reached for a tissue to wipe her tears. They were all silent for several moments. Sarah felt a sharp knife of fear in her heart, imagining Mike on a fire escape landing, looking up at a killer with a gun pointed at him. If the realization that Mike sometimes had to use violence in his job had been disturbing to her, that was nothing compared to her sudden realization that _Mike could be killed_. She stared at him, her eyes wide with surprise, but when he smiled at her she looked down at the table, unable to meet his eyes.

When Marie was able to speak again, she said, "As bad as that was…seeing Max murdered right in front of me…it terrifies me that I had just told Matthew to go out there and get his father. If I had sent him out there two minutes earlier, he would have been there…he could have…" Marie stopped, unable to go on.

"Excuse me," Sarah said suddenly, standing up. "I…I have to go to the…I'll be back…"

Mike glanced up at her curiously as she turned and walked quickly out of the kitchen, exerting all of her will power to keep from running from the room…from the revelations that were making her heart hammer in her chest from fear. She peeked into one of the bedrooms where Jia Li and two of Marie's younger grandchildren were playing Candyland. She made her way to the bathroom and closed and locked the door. Sinking down onto the edge of the tub, Sarah buried her face in her hands and leaned forward to rest her elbows on her thighs. She sat for long minutes, replaying the conversation…and the facts…in her mind. Max had been murdered in his own driveway, in front of his wife, with his children in the house…and one of his children came dangerously close to being present in that driveway when he was killed. Fear bubbled up in her chest, making it difficult to breathe. How did people live with the knowledge that this kind of violence could shatter their lives at any moment?

She finally realized that she was going to be missed if she stayed in the bathroom much longer. Standing up, she looked in the mirror over the sink. _I look awful_, she thought. Her face was pale; her dark eyes were wide with fear. Sarah closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. She turned on the faucet and splashed her face with cold water, drying it with a soft hand towel. She checked her reflection again…still not "normal", but better.

Mike and Marie had joined the group in the living room and were playing cards when Sarah returned. She no longer felt like playing and settled on the couch to watch. Later, making their way to the car, Marie walked with them to say goodbye. As Mike buckled Jia Li into her booster seat in the back, Marie and Sarah hugged.

"It's nice to see Mikey so happy," Marie told her. "You and that little girl are the reason for it."

Sarah blushed and couldn't answer. Having secured Jia Li, Mike stood and hugged Marie goodbye. Sarah looked at Tony's Cadillac…._Tony's Cadillac_, she thought. Funny…in less than a month it would be five years since Tony's death, yet she still thought of this car as his. For the first time in a long time, Sarah remembered the grief of losing her husband. Although they had known for months that he was dying, the reality of his passing had hit Sarah like a punch in the stomach. For a moment, remembering, it was hard to breathe. Could she survive going through that again? With one last goodbye, Marie walked back to her house and Mike looked down at Sarah, brushing her cheek with the back of his hand.

"You've been awfully quiet," he said. "Are you feeling alright?"

"I…uh…just have a headache," she answered.

"I'm sorry…why didn't you tell me? We could have left earlier."

"I didn't want to leave," she told him. "We were all having so much fun…"

"Well," he said, pulling her into his arms, "let's get you home now and get you some aspirin."

Sarah allowed him to hold her, and wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her cheek against his chest. They stood for just a moment and then Mike released her, leaning down to kiss her gently. He opened the door for her to get in the car. Once they were both in and he started the engine, they heard a giggle from the back seat.

"You guys were _kissing_," Jia Li said. "Ally says you are in looooove," she added in a singsong voice.

Mike and Sarah both laughed and looked back at her. But as Mike drove towards her house, Sarah thought about Jia Li's words. They _were_ in love; they had both said those words to one another. And Jia Li and Mike loved one another. _What have I done_, she wondered suddenly. _I have fallen in love and allowed my daughter to become attached to a man who could be killed at any moment._

It wasn't a long drive to Sarah's house, but by the time they arrived, Jia Li was sound asleep. Mike carried her into the house and to her bedroom, gently laying her in the bed and removing her shoes before pulling the covers over her. Sarah stood in the doorway and watched as he leaned down and tenderly kissed the little girl's forehead. Back in the living room, he just as tenderly placed his hand on her cheek.

"Why don't you sit down and I'll get you some water and Advil?"

Sarah closed her eyes and shook her head. "No…it's alright, I'll get it. I think…I think I just want to take the Advil and go to bed. Do you mind?"

"No, of course not," he told her. She walked with him to the front door, where he turned and pulled her into his arms and kissed her. Releasing her, Mike whispered, "I love you, Sarah."

She stood in the open doorway and watched him walk away into the night. Closing the door, she leaned her forehead against it and let the tears slip down her cheeks.

"I love you, too, Mike," she whispered.

"So the parade was fun," Janey asked.

"Yes," Annie said, taking the last pan of cookies out of the oven. "The kids had fun, Jia Li is as adorable as ever, and Mike and Sarah…well, it's fun to watch a couple in 'new love', you know?"

It was late Sunday afternoon and while Annie's children were at Janey's house watching a movie, Janey had come over to help Annie bake cookies. Annie and the children visited Frances earlier in the day. She had been quiet and lethargic during their visit, refusing to take more than a few small bites of Jello from her tray. When they returned home, Annie decided to bake cookies to take to Frances the next day after work. She hoped that Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookies would tempt her.

"Oh yes," Janey said as they settled on the couch with glasses of iced tea. "I remember 'new love'…there's nothing like it."

Annie laughed and said, "I remember it too."

"So…how is the 'not so new love' going," Janey asked. "How are things with you and Bobby?"

"Well…things are…." Annie hesitated moment. "….tentative."

"Tentative? What do you mean?"

Annie sighed. "I guess that's not really the word I'm looking for. Things are good between us…it's just that we…" She sighed again. "We are so _careful_ with each other."

"Careful how?"

"We don't argue."

Janey laughed. "Well, that's good, isn't it?"

"Yes…yes, that's good. It's hard to explain. We are so _careful_ not to say anything to each other that might start an argument. We are _careful_ not to push any buttons. But we don't talk about anything, either. Except for his mother, you know…the kids, who is going to drop them off, who is going to pick them up, when are we going to Carmel Ridge, how much food did Mom eat…that kind of thing."

"Weren't you two going to get counseling," Janey asked. "What happened with that?"

"Bobby's mother got sick…that's what happened to that," Annie said. "I guess we will try again...later. But right now, Mom and her treatment just take up every spare moment. And some moments that aren't so spare," she added with a laugh.

"What did your grandfather say when you told him Bobby moved home?"

"Oh Grandpa was so happy; the whole family is. They love Bobby and it was hard for them to see us separated. They want us to come visit, but we just haven't had time." She smiled at her friend. "I guess I say that about a lot of things these days, don't I? 'There isn't time.'"

"So," Janey said, "no arguing, and not much talking. Otherwise, how are….._things_?"

Annie laughed and blushed. "Oh…_things_ are fine. Just fine. And they are fine every chance we get."

Janey choked on her tea as she and Annie howled with laughter. The front door opened and Bobby walked in, causing a moment of shocked silence, followed by fresh gales of hilarity. He looked at them with a frown of puzzlement as he closed the door behind him.

"What's so funny," he said with a smile, leaning down to kiss Annie's cheek.

"Oh, you know…girl talk," Annie said with an embarrassed laugh.

Janey stood up and said, "I really should get home now. I'll send the kids home as soon as the movie is over."

Bobby watched with amusement as Janey and Annie hugged and tried to stifle their giggles. Annie smiled up at him as the door closed.

"You look tired," she said. "How is your cold?"

He shrugged. "Well medicated," he said with a chuckle. "How was Mom?"

"Not eating much," she answered with a sigh. "I made some cookies to take to her tomorrow night. Maybe she will be able to eat some."

Bobby tilted his head as he looked at her, and then leaned down to kiss her. Annie put her arms around his neck, tangling her fingers in the hair at the back of his neck. Bobby's hands settled on her waist and he gently pushed her backwards until her back was against the banister.

"How long before the kids come home," he whispered, leaving little nibbling kisses along her jaw line.

The answer came from the children themselves as the door banged open and Phillip and Andrew barged into the house, followed by Ally. Bobby closed his eyes and chuckled. Giving her one last quick kiss, he dropped his hands and straightened, Annie's hands dropping to her side. Bobby started up the stairs to change out of his suit and Annie headed for the kitchen to start dinner.

Later that evening, Sarah sighed as she looked at the caller ID on the phone. _Mike._ She had told him that morning that she still had a headache and wanted to just stay home….alone…and rest. She had ignored his call in the afternoon. She was tempted to ignore this one as well, but knew that would only worry him.

"Hi," she answered softly.

"How are you feeling, Sweetheart?"

"A little better, I guess. I think I'll go to bed early tonight…as soon as I get Jia Li in bed."

"Can I bring you dinner," Mike asked. "Help with Jia Li?"

"No, thank you….I'll be fine…I just need more sleep, I think."

"OK, then I'll go and let you rest. I love you."

"I love you too, Mike."

Sarah hung up the phone, feeling horrible for lying to him. She just didn't know what to say to him…didn't know what she was going to do. She only knew that she was afraid.

"_Seems like a decent guy."_ Alex repeated Captain Ross' words about Detective Peter Lyons, the Community Affairs liaison who had been providing interpreter services in their dealings with the deaf community during the investigation of Dr. Mallory's murder. It was Wednesday evening and Alex was driving Bobby back to his car at One Police Plaza after questioning the sister of a suspect's boyfriend….with the help of Detective Lyons. "Where did that come from? Since when is Ross a match-maker?"

Bobby shrugged. "Well, it's obvious that Lyons is interested. Maybe Ross thought you needed a little encouragement to…."

"A little encouragement…" Alex exclaimed. "To do what? I'll ask it again…since when does Ross play match-maker for his detectives? And even if he was in the habit…you said that you told him I had a boyfriend when I was….kidnapped. Why would he think I suddenly need help in the romance department? It's insulting."

"I don't think the captain meant to insult you, Eames. It was a simple statement…the guy _does_ seem like a decent guy. Maybe a little too close to the deaf people he translates for to be objective," he added. "But he seems decent. And didn't you say that you told Ross about Joe? Maybe he just wanted to point out to you that someone is interested in you."

Alex snorted in derision. "Yeah, like I'm the plain, shy secretary in a movie, who can't get a date and needs someone to set her up? Thanks, but no thanks…I don't need my boss out there drumming up boyfriends for me. And what about my boyfriend? Why would Ross even think I'm looking?"

"It's been…eight months since I told him who Tom is. Maybe he thinks you broke up."

"And why would he think that?"

"Because," Bobby said, turning in the seat to face her. "Because you never mention him. I don't think most of the people in the squad even know about Tom."

"So," she answered with a shrug, "I don't talk about my private life at work. I talk to you about him…Logan knows him…"

"Right…you don't talk about your private life at work. You compartmentalize."

"Where's this going, Bobby? So I don't talk to a lot of coworkers about my boyfriend…you aren't exactly Mr. Chatty at work."

"No," he said quietly. "I'm not…we all compartmentalize. But everyone knows I'm married. And most people mention their spouses or significant others….at least in passing."

"So you think I'm deliberately keeping Tom a secret? Why? Are you saying I'm…embarrassed or ashamed of our relationship?"

"Maybe I'm not the one you should be asking," Bobby murmured.

"What?" Alex stopped the SUV next to where Bobby's Mustang was parked and turned to face him. "What are you talking about? You're saying _Tom_ thinks I'm ashamed of him?"

"I'm just saying that women like to know they are appreciated…and so do men. We like to know that even if there are _decent _guys who are interested, that our wives…or girlfriends…make it clear that they already have someone who is _decent_."

"Bobby," Alex said softly, "what's going on? Are you and Annie…OK? Is there something you want to talk about?"

Bobby looked startled for a moment, as though he had revealed more than he intended.

"No…I don't need…Annie and I are fine. We're fine." He rubbed a hand across his face. "I'm just…it's this case, these kids. Malia is keeping secrets from Tommy, Tommy is keeping secrets from Malia…and one, or both, of them could be our murderer."

"Yeah," Alex agreed. "But there's nothing more we can do tonight. Fresh start in the morning? Peter and I will go talk to Larry Forseca in Holding."

Bobby nodded. "Yeah…fresh start. And Eames," he added as he opened the door. "I'm sorry…I shouldn't have…." He hesitated a moment. "You and Tom are lucky to have each other."

"We are lucky…thanks Bobby. G'night."

"Night."

Alex watched as her partner got out of the SUV and walked towards his Mustang. She hoped he was right and that he and Annie were "fine". Sighing, she turned the SUV and drove home. Tom was in the middle of a seventy-two hour shift. But maybe….if she and Bobby could wrap up this case…maybe she and Tom could spend the weekend together.

Sarah was putting away books in the stacks when Penny found her and told her that she had a phone call. She made her way to the desk and answered.

"This is Sarah Johnson. May I help you?"

"You certainly may," a deep voice said with a chuckle. "You can have dinner with a very lonely detective."

"Mike! I…um…hi," she stammered.

"Hi…I miss you," he told her.

"I…I miss you, too."

"Then how about dinner?"

Sarah closed her eyes for a moment, trying to think. "I wish I could, Mike. But…I'm working late tonight."

"A late dinner then? I'll wait for you to get off work."

"I…I really can't. I need to get home to Jia Li after work. I'm sorry."

"Sarah…." Mike paused for a moment. "Is…something wrong?"

"No…nothing's wrong. I…Mike, I can't talk now," she said, eyeing Penny who was watching her closely. "I really have to get back to work now."

"Alright…see you soon?"

"Umm….yes….soon."

After Sarah hung up the phone, she turned to face Penny.

"What was _that_ about," her friend asked. "You aren't working late tonight."

"Nothing," Sarah answered defensively. "I…just didn't feel like going out tonight and I didn't want to hurt his feelings."

"Right," Penny said sarcastically. "Well, I've got news for you…Detective Hottie there _knew_ you were lying."

"I'll explain it to him later." Sarah wasn't sure what she was feeling and if she wasn't ready to talk to Mike about, she was definitely not ready to talk to Penny. "Just leave it alone…please?"

Penny didn't answer as Sarah walked past her to go back to the stacks.

Bobby straightened and leaned the mop against the wall, eyeing the Golden Retriever sitting at the edge of the newly-mopped kitchen floor.

"Don't even think of going in there, Sandy," he warned and the dog whined, but didn't move from her spot.

Bobby smiled and scratched behind her ear. Sandy followed him to the laundry room, where Bobby pulled clean laundry from the dryer and began folding it. It was Friday afternoon and he had come home early. He and Eames finished up the paperwork on the Mallory case that morning, so Captain Ross told them to take the rest of the day off and start their weekend early. Bobby had considered driving to Carmel Ridge to see his mother, but instead he decided to go home and surprise Annie by cleaning the house. He had vacuumed and dusted, scrubbed toilets, mopped floors, and washed piles of laundry. He added the last load of folded laundry to a basket of clothes to take upstairs. Three of Annie's sweaters that she had washed earlier in the week were lying flat on drying racks. Bobby checked and found that they were dry, so he folded them and added them to the basket to go upstairs.

Sandy followed him up the stairs and into each of the children's rooms as he put away their clean clothes. In the master bedroom, he put his own clean laundry in the drawers and then Annie's. He opened the drawer where she kept her sweaters and laid the three clean sweaters on top. Moving the sweaters to make room for them, he heard something scrape on the wooden bottom of the drawer. He lifted the stack of sweaters out and stared down at the familiar round disk and the card lying next to it. He picked them up and walked over to the bed, sitting down heavily as he turned the card over in his hands. Bobby blew out a breath as he read the words written there.

_To my beautiful Annie. I understand that you need to resolve things with your marriage, but know that I will wait for however long it takes. All my love, Stan_

He opened the birth control pill package and saw that it was current and missing the right number of pills, including the one she had taken that morning. His vision blurred until all he could see were the words _you need to resolve things with your marriage _and _I will wait for however long it takes._ Oh, Annie…..

The sounds of the front door opening and the children arriving home pulled him away from the items in his hands. Quietly, he stood up and walked back to the dresser. Placing the pills and the card back where he had found them, he covered them with the sweaters and closed the drawer. He picked up the laundry basket and went downstairs to his children.

Mike stared at his cell phone, at Sarah's name and number, trying to decide whether to push the "call" button. He was sitting in Peter J's on Friday night and he very much wanted Sarah to be sitting there with him. But he hadn't seen her since Saturday night after dinner at Marie's. Every time he had called in the last week, she had some reason (or excuse?) for not seeing him. And that didn't include the times that she didn't answer at all and didn't return his calls. _What the hell_, he thought, and pushed the button. He thought it would go to voice mail once again, but on the fourth ring, she answered.

"Hi Sweetheart," he said, trying to sound as though he believed everything was fine. "I'm at Peter J's…how about going to a movie tonight?"

"I can't, Mike. I'm sorry," she said. "We are having dinner at my parents' tonight."

"OK," Mike tried to quell the uneasy feeling that had been building over the last week. "Tomorrow night?"

"I…don't know. I'm not sure what we are doing tomorrow."

"Sarah," he said, frustration replacing the uneasiness. "What is going on? You've been avoiding me all week. Have I done something to make you mad?"

"No! No…you haven't done anything, Mike. And I'm not angry…really."

"Then what's going on? Talk to me, Sarah."

Silence hung between them for several long beats. When she answered, Mike could hear the tremor in her voice.

"I…can't talk about it now, Mike. I'm sorry…I just….I have to think some things through and I….I just can't talk to you about it. Not yet. Please….I'm sorry."

She hung up suddenly and Mike stared at the phone. He sighed and put the phone in his pocket as he ordered a scotch. She said she needed time, but it had already been a week. He would give her more time, but eventually she was going to have to talk to him. At the very least, she needed to explain to him what "things" she was thinking through. And why she couldn't talk to him about it.

**End chapter 15**

18


	16. Chapter 16

**DECONSTRUCTION**

_This chapter takes place during Rocketman/Bombshell. There are only two more episodes left in season 6 and you all know where this is headed. I think that there will be one chapter for each of the next two episodes, just because they are that important to the story of the show and to this story. _

_Thank you, as always, to Judyg for beta'ing, and for encouraging me…and for letting me obsess endlessly over the characters of this story._

**CHAPTER 16**

_The house is quiet as I open the front door and enter. Only Sandy seems to be around to greet me. Maybe Annie and the kids are still at church. I insisted that they go today; Annie has missed church nearly every weekend since Mom began the new treatment. I know how much she misses it, so today I told her that I would spend the day with Mom and that she should take the children to church. But its late afternoon and I thought that they would be home by now, even if there had been a potluck following the services. I rub Sandy's head and tell her what a good girl she is, and then I climb the stairs. In the doorway to our bedroom, I pause. _

_Annie is home, after all. The kids must have gone off with friends after church and Annie used the rare free time alone to do something she has little time for now…studying her Bible and writing in her prayer journal. The Bible, her journal, a Strong's Concordance, and pens and highlighters in a variety of colors are spread across the bed. Lying across the bed, her hand still holding her place in the Bible, Annie is sound asleep._

_I fold my arms, leaning my shoulder against the door frame as I watch her sleep. Guilt curls inside my belly as I think about how exhausted she is. I have always thrived on little sleep, while Annie craves it. But lately, it is not unusual for her to stay up until midnight or later, baking cookies, making lasagna…anything that she hopes will entice Mom to eat, only to get up by five AM to get ready for work. All of her time spent cooking has limited success with Mom, but one benefit is that the refrigerator and freezer are always full of food that anyone can pop in the microwave to eat on the run. It's rare that we all five sit down together to eat at the same time._

_Was I wrong to let her be pulled into this? As hard as the separation was on Annie, would it have been easier for her if I had stayed away, had handled Mom's illness on my own? I am more grateful than I will ever be able to express for all she does….but seeing the effect it has on her, I realize how selfish it was for me to come home. Annie will never say that, will never complain; she will just do what needs to be done….whatever it costs her. _

_For a moment…just a moment…I allow myself to think about the birth control pills and the love note from another man that she has hidden in a drawer. And I wonder…what _did_ it cost Annie when I came home? She didn't hesitate to say yes, she has never shown any disappointment or resentment. She welcomed me home with open arms and threw herself into caring for Mom. She responds to me the same way……_

_I suck in a breath and straighten up as the realization dawns on me. Suddenly I know what has been "off" since my return. Annie "responds" to my every advance. No matter how tired she is, she responds to my kisses, to my caresses. She responds eagerly, passionately. But now I realize that there is one thing missing…she never initiates. Since I came home, she has not sought me out to make love even once. She does not tell me what she wants, where or how she wants me to touch her. Begging was a game Annie always enjoyed….but no more. And it isn't just about sex. I search my memory, but I have none of Annie asking me to do anything; she doesn't ask me to help around the house or with the children…not even to relieve some of her exhausting labors for my mother. She is always grateful for the things I do. The day that I cleaned the house (the day I found the pills and the note), she was so happy when she got home that I thought she was going to cry. _

_But of course she didn't because that is something else that has changed…Annie doesn't cry anymore. Nor does she sing. I can't remember the last time I heard her singing while I was busy in another room. She smiles, she laughs. Her laughter is subdued, but I just assumed it was because of the stress. Now I'm not so sure. _

_What has happened to the impulsive, vivacious, emotional woman I married…who not only delighted in giving anything and everything of herself to me, but freely and gleefully demanded the same from me?_

Mike stood looking at Sarah's house. It was a Friday night, after eleven, and the only light was soft and flickering, coming from the living room. Sarah sitting on the sofa in the dark watching TV, most likely. He had deliberately waited this late, wanting to talk to Sarah after Jia Li was asleep. He didn't call before going over because he was determined that this time she would not avoid him, as she had been doing for the past two weeks. Now that he was here, Mike was suddenly tempted to just turn around and leave. He knew that this was probably going to be bad. His fear was that by showing her those articles and bringing up his past, Sarah now saw him as the 'hot-tempered, rage-aholic' cop he had been rumored to be for so many years…and was afraid to be with him any longer. _But you'll never know until you get her to talk to you, Logan._ Sighing, Mike walked towards the front door.

The instant she heard the soft knock on the front door, Sarah knew who it was. No one else would come over that late at night, especially without calling first. If she were honest, she had been expecting him for days. She knew that if she kept making excuses and avoiding Mike too long, he would show up at her door, wanting to know what was going on. She turned on some lights as she made her way through the living room. She glanced through the peep hole before opening the door, just to make sure it was him. Of course it was. Mike didn't say anything, and neither did Sarah. She met his gaze and held it for several long moments, before she stepped back to allow him to enter.

Mike glanced at the TV as he paced around the living room. Something old and black and white was on…._Wuthering Heights,_ he thought idly. Sarah still hadn't said anything, but was watching him carefully. Finally he stood facing her across the room.

"Sarah," he began, not sure what to say. "What's going on?"

"Mike…."

When she didn't go on, Mike repeated, "What's going on?"

"I can't see you anymore," Sarah said in a rush.

They were the words Mike had expected, but hearing them, it felt as though she had slapped his face.

"Because of that article? Because I hit a councilman, coerced a confession? Sarah…I know those things scared you, but you've got to believe that I have never hit a girlfriend. I would never hit you….or Jia Li."

"I know that," she said, her eyes filling with tears. "It's not that, Mike. I'm not afraid of _you_. I'm afraid of _losing_ you."

Mike shook his head as though to clear it. "I don't understand what you're saying."

The tears were sliding down Sarah's face now. "When you and Marie were talking about Max and his murder…when you talked about almost getting killed…it just hit me, suddenly." She looked at him pleadingly. "Cops die, Mike. _You_ could die. And….I….I just can't…._do_ that again…watch the love of my life die."

"This is about the job….and about the danger? Sarah…yes, cops die…but it's rare. It's not like we're getting gunned down every day. This is….Sarah, I'm fine…I'm going to stay fine."

"You can't promise that," she said, her voice rising. "Maybe it's rare, but it's something you face every single day. When you walk out the front door in the morning, you have no guarantee that you will ever come back."

"_No one_ has any guarantee," Mike told her, anger tingeing his voice. "_People_ die every day…not just cops. Teachers, doctors, garbage men…they all die. Even librarians….and accountants."

Sarah flinched at his reference to Tony. "Yes, everyone dies…no one knows that better than I do, Mike. But not every job has the same risk of a sudden, violent death. And it's not just the officers themselves…their families are at risk." She was crying now. "Max was murdered in his own driveway, right in front of his wife. And his son…Marie had told her son to go out there. What if Matthew had gone? What if he had been there when Max was killed…what if _he_ had been killed?"

"Sarah…." Mike began, but she cut him off.

"Don't tell me how rare that is! What about Annie? You told me yourself about this serial killer….Nicole….Wallace….how she calls Annie…on her _cell phone_. How did she even get that number? And she shows up at Annie's work, _in her home_! When Alex Eames was kidnapped…a _cop_, Mike! When she was kidnapped, you hid Annie and her kids in a motel to protect them!"

"But you don't see Annie running away from her husband, from her marriage," Mike said angrily.

"Well, _I'm_ not Annie," she yelled. "And I'm not Aunt Angie. I'm not as strong, as brave, as they are. I don't have what it takes to be a……"

"A cop's wife," Mike finished for her, his deep voice echoing off the walls. "Admit it, Sarah, you've been thinking about what it would be like to be married. Well, so have I. For the first time in my life, I have actually been thinking about marriage. And I've been thinking about what it would be like to be a father. That's you, Sarah, that's all you! I never wanted to have kids, never wanted to be around them. You are the one who wanted me to meet your daughter, to get to know her, to _bond_ with her." Sarah couldn't bear the pain and anger in his eyes as he glared at her and had to look down. "Well, I bonded with her. I fell in love…not only with you but with that little girl. And now you're telling me that just like _that_…" he snapped his fingers. "Just like that, you're both gone?"

"You guys are yelling and you waked me up."

They both turned at the sound of Jia Li's voice, to find her standing in the hallway. Her face was creased from sleep, her hair tousled, and her Disney Princess nightgown was rumpled. She wiped her eyes sleepily with one hand while her other hand clutched the stuffed leopard Mike had given to her. Without looking at Sarah, Mike walked over to kneel in front of Jia Li.

"I'm sorry, Jia Li," he said softly. "We didn't mean to wake you up. We'll be quiet now so you can sleep."

She yawned widely and put an arm around his neck, leaning her head against his shoulder. "Will you take me back to my bedroom," she murmured.

"Sure I will."

Again not looking at Sarah, he picked Jia Li up and carried her to her bed, gently tucking her in.

"How come I couldn't see you for a long time? I missed you," Jia Li told him.

Mike sighed. "I missed you too, Kidlet. It's just been kind of….complicated."

"That's a big word," she giggled. "I want to go to see the snow leopards again. Can we go to the zoo?"

At a loss for what to say to her, Mike finally said, "We'll see."

"Oh." Disappointment dripped from the word. "Ally says when Mommies and Daddies say 'We'll see', they mean 'No'."

Mike winced at her use of the word, "Daddies". Did she think of him as a 'Daddy'?

Jia Li snuggled under the blanket and wrapped her arms tightly around her leopard.

"'Night, 'Tective Mike. I love you," she whispered sleepily.

Mike leaned down and tenderly kissed her forehead.

"I love you too, Jia Li."

Outside the bedroom, where Sarah was standing and listening, she leaned against the wall and buried her face in her hands, weeping quietly. Mike walked out of the bedroom and stood for a moment, watching her. Moving closer, he gently pulled her against his chest and wrapped his arms around her, laying his cheek against her dark hair. He held her for a long time as she cried. Finally he held her face between his hands and tilted her face up. He softly kissed her wet eyes and then put his lips against her ear.

"Tell me that you love me," he said, his voice husky with emotion.

"I love you," she whispered as his mouth closed over hers.

He kissed her deeply, his tongue tracing her mouth, coaxing her tongue into his mouth. He could feel her arms around his waist, her hands clinging to his back as though she might fall without his support. She leaned into him and gave herself to his kiss, whimpering softly.

Ending the kiss, he again whispered in her ear, "Now tell me that this is all a big mistake."

She dropped her head against his chest for a moment before he felt her pushing away. He dropped his arms and followed her back to the living room.

"I just…can't do this," she said. "I'm sorry Mike. I'm so sorry."

"You said that you are afraid of losing me." He struggled to keep his voice quiet, to keep his promise to Jia Li not to wake her up again. "But how is this different, Sarah? You're losing me now. We're all losing…all three of us. How is this easier?"

She shook her head stubbornly. "It just is. Every minute I spend with you, I fall more deeply in love….and so does Jia Li. I can tell you this is different from going to put flowers on a cold grave. _You_ don't know what it's like to watch someone you love die, but I know. I can't do that again…and I can't put Jia Li through it again."

"Don't pretend that this is about protecting Jia Li," he told her angrily. "Jia Li doesn't even remember her father….or his dying."

"What are you talking about? How do you know that?"

"Because she told me," he said. "She told me that she doesn't remember her Daddy but she doesn't tell you because she doesn't want to make you sad."

Sarah turned away from him, wiping her tear-stained cheeks with shaky hands before turning back to face him.

"All the more reason to stop this now," she said. "If she doesn't remember what it was like when Tony died, then I'm glad. But I remember. And yes...this is different. As difficult as it is to end this…_that_ was even harder."

Mike stood looking at her, wanting more than anything to grab her and kiss her until she gave in and admitted that she wanted him to stay. But watching the resolute way she lifted her chin and met his gaze, a feeling of helplessness…and hopelessness…washed over him.

"This is it, Sarah," he said softly. "I walked away from you twice because I thought you were better off without me. And both times it was the hardest thing I've ever done; the hardest thing I've ever had to get over. But I can't keep doing this; it's too much…especially now," he added, glancing towards Jia Li's room. "If it's over, then it's over…for good. You can't show up at my apartment in a few months and expect me to start all over again."

Her tears were flowing again as she nodded her head mutely. Sighing in defeat, Mike turned and moved to the door. He walked out without looking back, closing the door softly behind him, and headed down the street towards the subway. Sarah sank onto the couch and buried her face in the cushions, letting her grief sweep over her.

_"If, when I tell you, dearest dear, that your agony is over, and that I have come here to take you from it, and that we go to England to be at peace and at rest, I cause you to think of your useful life laid waste, and of our native France so wicked to you, weep for it, weep for it! And if, when I shall tell you of my name, and of my father who is living, and of my mother who is dead, you learn that I have to kneel to my honoured father, and implore his pardon for never having for his sake striven all day and lain awake and wept all night, because the love of my poor mother hid his torture from me, weep for it, weep for it! Weep for her, then, and for me! Good gentlemen, thank God! I feel his sacred tears upon my face, and his sobs strike against my heart. O, see! Thank God for us, thank God!" _******_  
_

"Annie…"

Annie stopped reading at Frances' soft whisper. She was glad when Mom asked her to read from "A Tale of Two Cities". She enjoyed reading Dickens out loud. She loved the feel and sound of his phrases, his language, rolling off her tongue. It was part of the reason she insisted on reading "A Christmas Carol" out loud to her family every Christmas season. Reading Dickens silently to oneself was always a treat, but saying the words out loud was even better.

Bobby and Alex had caught a case this weekend, so Annie was alone with Frances. The children were spending the weekend with Janey…_again_, Annie thought with a sigh. It seemed that Janey and Rob spent more time with their children than Bobby and Annie did these days.

"What is it, Mom?" She laid the book down and leaned close because Frances' voice was weak, as was her frail body.

"I'm tired, Annie."

"Do you want me to stop reading so you can rest?"

"No." Frances laid her thin, pale hand on Annie's as she looked up at her. "I want to stop the treatments."

Annie sat down on the side of the bed with a sigh, and closed her eyes.

"You can't stop now, Mom. I know it's hard…."

"It's time," Frances said.

_Bobby can't survive this loss_, Annie thought. Out loud she said, "Mom…please. Just give it a little more time. Two weeks…OK? Just give the treatments two more weeks?"

Frances looked up at her daughter-in-law, her eyes pleading through the tears. Annie felt a sharp prick of guilt….was she asking for two weeks because it was best for her mother-in-law…or because she was afraid of what his mother's death would do to Bobby? Frances squeezed Annie's hand feebly and then closed her eyes and nodded faintly.

"Two weeks," she whispered.

Annie kissed her forehead and tucked the blanket around her.

"Go to sleep now, Mom. You need to rest."

Alex glanced at her cell phone and saw the name for the incoming call. She sighed and shot a look across their desks at her partner, who was currently engrossed in looking through the file on the case they were working. They had already arrested Lieutenant Sandy Del Gado for the murder of her fellow astronaut, Lieutenant Jessica Hart. But she had implicated Commander Luke Nelson as a co-conspirator in the murder and they had sent uniformed officers to pick him up for questioning. He was waiting for them in the interrogation room and they wanted to let him sit and worry for a few minutes before going in.

"Eames," she said, answering the phone.

"Hello, Alexandra, this is Peter."

Detective Peter Lyons. He had helped her and Bobby with a case recently, interpreting for them with the deaf community.

"Hi Peter…how are you?"

Bobby didn't look up, but she knew his attention had shifted to her.

"I'm fine," he told her. "I...uh...I should have called sooner, but I thought this might sound....ridiculous, or pathetic. I wanted to tell you that I enjoyed working with you and your partner."

"Oh," Alex said, unsure of how to reply.

"Maybe 'enjoyed' is the wrong word to use, considering we are talking about a murder," Peter chuckled. "But I don't do much real investigation anymore and watching you and Bobby...well, you're quite a team."

"Thank you, Peter. It was good working with you, too. I know it wasn't easy for you, being a part of the deaf community and the hearing community."

"Yeah...I guess I thought if the killer was a hearing person, it would somehow validate the deaf community. But in the end we are all people, deaf or hearing, and we're all subject to the same fears and passions. Alexandra, I have another reason for calling." He hesitated and Alex waited, knowing what was coming next. "I liked getting involved in investigation for a change, but there was more than that. I liked working with _you_. Could we...go out sometime?"

Bobby still hadn't lifted his eyes from the files he was reading, but she knew he was listening intently.

"Peter, that's really...flattering...."

"But," he prompted.

Alex sighed. "But I'm seeing someone. I'm sorry."

"Oh...no, Alexandra, I'm sorry. I didn't realize."

"There's nothing to be sorry for," Alex replied. "You had no way of knowing. No hard feelings?"

"No, of course not. No hard feelings. I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable. And I hope your relationship works out however you want it to."

"Thank you, Peter."

Alex glanced at Bobby as she hung up the phone. He kept his head down and his eyes studiously on the paperwork in front of him. Alex turned to her computer and started typing. Neither of them spoke for several moments and Bobby never looked up.

"Shut up, Goren," Alex finally said.

He didn't give any sign that he had heard her, except for the hint of a smile that she saw flash ever so briefly across his face.

Sarah stood in the doorway, watching her daughter sleep. It had been over a week since she broke up with Mike and Jia Li was having as much difficulty adjusting as Sarah was. She thought back to the day after their breakup. Jia Li remembered seeing Mike the night before and had more questions than Sarah had answers for.

"I want to call 'Tective Mike, Mommy. I want him to take me to the zoo so we can see the snow leopards."

"I'll take you to the zoo, Sweetie."

"No," Jia Li said stubbornly. "I want 'Tective Mike to take me."

"I'm sorry, Jia Li, but we can't call Detective Mike and he isn't going to take you to the zoo."

"But why," the little girl whined. "He gave me a snow leopard for my birthday...." She held up the stuffed animal. "See? He likes them, too. Please, Mommy...please?"

Sarah had sighed and sat down next to Jia Li, knowing she couldn't put it off any longer.

"We can't call Detective Mike because...he and I aren't going to...date anymore. We aren't going to be friends."

"Why?"

"It's....complicated."

"That's what 'Tective Mike said."

"And he's right. It's complicated and it's between Mike and me."

"But he's _my_ friend, too, and I don't wanna stop being friends with him."

"I know he's your friend, too. But...this is something Mommy has to do. I'm sorry, Sweetie, but Detective Mike isn't going to be coming over anymore, and he won't be taking you to the zoo."

"That's not fair!" Jia Li folded her arms across her chest angrily, her stuffed leopard held tightly against her.

Sarah sighed now, watching her sleep...with the stuffed leopard in her arms. They had almost the same conversation every day, and it always ended with Jia Li's proclamation of, "That's not fair!" Sarah agreed...it wasn't fair. She hated seeing her daughter so upset. _Who are you kidding,_ she thought. _Jia Li isn't the only one who's upset._ She missed Mike desperately. But she had done what was necessary....hadn't she? It was sometimes hard to remember when her little girl was crying because she couldn't see 'Tective Mike or when she was lying in bed at night, missing his voice and his touch.

"Please, Mom, just try a little bite."

Annie offered a small piece of meatloaf to her mother-in-law. It was Frances' own recipe, the one she had taught Annie to make, the one her sons had loved when they were young. Frances moaned softly and turned her head away. Annie finally gave up and put the food away. She sat down on the chair next to the bed, facing Frances. She sighed, watching her. She was lying on her side, facing Annie. Never a large woman, she seemed to have shrunk over the last several months. The chemotherapy, radiation, and now the experimental treatment…they had taken their toll on her frail body.

"It's been two weeks."

Annie started at the sound of Frances' weak voice. She thought she was asleep. But now she saw that her eyes were open, looking at Annie.

"It's been two weeks," Frances repeated.

"Mom…don't," Annie said. "Just give it some time."

"You said two weeks…."

"I know…but…."

"It's been two weeks."

Tears slipped down Annie's cheeks. "Bobby's not ready," she said. "_I'm_ not ready. I already lost one mother…I don't want to lose you, too."

Annie leaned forward and crossed her arms on the bed, next to Frances. Laying her head on her arms, she let her tears flow. She had no idea how long she stayed like that, but finally she felt Frances' feather-light pat on her arm and her voice, as small and frail as her body had become.

"Parents have to know when to let their children go, and children have to know when to let their parents go." Annie lifted her head and looked at Frances as she added, "It's time, Annie."

She took Frances' hand and kissed it, and then sat up and wiped her wet cheeks. Taking a deep breath, she nodded.

"OK." She reached for the nurse's call button. When the nurse responded, Annie said, "Will you please call Dr. Syleste and ask him if he could come by to see Mrs. Goren? We have something very important to discuss with him."

As they waited for the doctor, Frances had another request.

"I don't want to…be alone, Annie."

"You won't be," Annie assured her. "Come home with us…it won't be hard to turn Bobby's office into a bedroom. And then we will all be there with you."

"No." Frances shook her head. "I don't want my grandchildren to see that. They can come to visit, but I don't want them to watch me…die." She squeezed Annie's hand. "But…will you stay with me?"

Although she was thinking, _I can't do this! Don't ask me to do this!_ She said, "Of course I'll stay with you, Mom."

Annie had not liked Dr. Syleste since she first met him. Maybe it was because he wasn't used to dealing patients who were mentally ill as well as physically ill, but she didn't like the way he spoke about Frances as though she wasn't in the room, or the way he arrogantly grabbed her arm to check her IV or examine her as though she were nothing more than a piece of meat. He was a good doctor, she admitted, but his bedside manner was atrocious.

However, as Annie and Frances discussed with him ending the treatment, as they discussed end of life issues, Dr. Syleste was suddenly different. He no longer treated Frances as a mentally ill person likely to have a psychotic break at any moment. He spoke to her as someone who had valiantly battled cancer, the disease he had dedicated his career to fighting, and now was ready to surrender to the inevitable. He was kind and reassuring, explaining what she could expect, and answering all of her questions. Annie appreciated that he did not try to rush them but seemed willing to spend as much time as necessary.

"Of course, you know, Mrs. Goren," he said at last, "a court has ruled that you are not competent to make your own medical decisions. Your son is the one who will have to ultimately make the decision as to whether to stop the treatments. Since he isn't here, I am assuming that you have not discussed this with him?"

"No," Annie agreed. "We haven't talked to him, yet. This is going to be…difficult for him. Maybe we could schedule a meeting with you and the three of us later in the week? I'd like to have arrangements in place first."

It was agreed that Dr. Syleste would meet with them the following Friday. That would give Annie time to make arrangements at work and with Janey (what would she do with Janey?). She also knew she would need to spend much time in prayer. Dr. Syleste said that he would have his office send Bobby a message, asking for the meeting. After he left, Annie sat on the side of the bed and held Frances' hand.

"Are you sure about this, Mom?"

"I'm sure."

"OK," Annie said. "OK."

"I'm going to have to get this suit cleaned," Mike said in disgust as he brushed at the layer of cat hair that seemed to cover every inch of his jacket and pants.

His partner turned her head and tried not to laugh. They were standing outside the home of the Holland sisters, after talking to them about the death of their half-brother, Justin. The two elderly sisters had numerous cats, all of whom seemed determined to climb on Mike.

"Hey, did those two remind you of the Baldwin sisters on 'The Waltons?' I kept expecting them to offer us some of their 'Papa's Recipe'," Mike said with a chuckle.

"Recipe for what," Megan asked with a slight frown.

"Recipe…you know…moonshine?" Mike gave her a bemused look. "Oh, right…'The Waltons' was before your time."

"No," Megan told him with a grin, "I remember watching it…it's just that I was so young when it was on."

Mike rolled his eyes at her and made another futile attempt to rid his suit of cat hair.

"Why is it that cats always know the one person in the room that hates them….and make a beeline for that person?"

"Well, like they said…it must be your musk," Megan said, no longer bothering to try to hide her amusement.

"Yeah, well….laugh away. I'm sure Sarah will find it just as funny when I tell….."

Mike stopped mid-sentence, realizing what he had just said. Sarah would not find it funny because Mike would not be telling her this story…or any story. There was an uncomfortable silence for several long beats, and then Megan finally spoke.

"Logan….I'm really sorry about…."

"You know what, Wheeler," he cut her off, "how about we just don't talk about this?"

Megan nodded her head. "OK. We should get back to One PP…I think that forensic accountant has something for us."

"Yeah," Mike said. They both opened the car doors, but Mike paused before getting in. "And Wheeler….thanks."

Bobby glanced at Annie as they rode the elevator up to the floor where his mother's room was. He tried to read her thoughts, but lately he just didn't understand his wife. She hadn't seemed surprised when he told her that Dr. Syleste's office had called and asked for this meeting, but hadn't offered any information. Dr. Syleste was already in his mother's room when they arrived. As he shook hands with the doctor, he glanced Annie leaning down to kiss his mother's cheek and settle into the chair next to the bed, taking Mom's hand between both of hers. _So_, he thought, _whatever this meeting is about, Annie and Mom already know….and have obviously discussed it._ He had a sinking feeling that he also knew what the purpose for the meeting was and he felt angry defensiveness begin to simmer in his chest. Dr. Syleste didn't waste any time coming to the point.

"Mr. Goren," he said solemnly, "I asked for this meeting because your mother has had several rounds of the radiation-carrying monoclonal antibodies treatment." He paused and looked at Bobby, who waited for what he knew was coming next. "I'm afraid the lymphoma has not responded….as we had hoped."

"Well," Bobby replied slowly, "then we try another round."

"We could do that," Dr. Syleste said carefully. "But as I told you before we even started, your mother's lymphoma is advanced and she was never an ideal candidate for this treatment. Considering the poor response we have gotten so far, and the expense of the treatment, it may be time to consider….other options."

"Other options?" Bobby knew his voice was getting loud and he knew that the doctor was intimidated by his size and his anger, but he didn't flinch as he faced him. "This is my mother's life! We are not looking for any bargain basement deals."

"No, of course not. But there does come a time when we have to weigh the risks and the benefits of continuing. If we go another round of treatment, or two, or three…we may extend your mother's life by a few more months. Or we can look at the alternative."

"The alternative?"

"We stop the treatment and we make her comfortable for the time she has left."

"No! Absolutely not!"

"Bobby…" Annie and his mother had remained silent throughout the exchange, but now Annie got up from the chair and moved to stand between him and the doctor. "This is what Mom wants. The chemo, the radiation, and now the monoclonal antibodies…it's all been hard on her. She doesn't want to go on like this. She just wants it to…end."

He narrowed his eyes as she stared up at him. "Why do I get the feeling that this is not the first meeting the three of you have had?" _Bullseye,_ he thought as Annie's face flushed. But she didn't lower her eyes; she continued to hold his gaze. "When," he asked.

"Monday evening," she answered with a tremor in her voice.

"You've known about this all week and haven't said a word to me? You didn't discuss this with me? You just let me walk into this…ambush?"

"I…I wanted to make some arrangements."

"Arrangements?" His voice was deceptively soft, but he could see that Annie knew how infuriated he was. She lifted her chin and even in the midst of his angry turmoil, there was a small, detached part of his brain that admired the unflinching way she stood up to him, refusing to be cowed by his size or his rage.

"Mom asked me to stay with her….after the treatments stop. I asked for a leave of absence at work, checked with the treatment center to make sure her room could be ready for her to go back, and I asked Janey if the kids can stay with her while….while I'm staying with Mom."

Bobby didn't know what to say. His wife, his mother…they had discussed this, had come up with a plan….and only then had they told him about it.

"Bobby." His mother's weak voice pulled his angry brown eyes away from his wife. He turned to look at her, realizing just how small and frail she looked. "I asked Annie to call Dr. Syleste. I just can't do this anymore."

"Mom," he said, "you can't quit. You've got to fight this."

"If Frank was here, he would understand," his mother said petulantly.

_Ah…some things never change,_ he thought. _Everything would be fine if only Frank were here. Except he's _not_ here, Mom. He's never here when it counts. It's just me…always me. _And right on cue, Annie stepped in to smooth things over.

"Mom," she said gently, "Bobby understands. This is just hard…."

"I don't need you to speak for me," he interrupted, rounding on her. He couldn't vent his anger on his weak, ill mother, but he could vent it on his wife….even though he knew she didn't deserve it.

"Mr. Goren, I assure you that there was no attempt to deceive you," Dr. Syleste said. He had stayed silent while Bobby and Annie faced off and Bobby had almost forgotten he was still in the room. Now he spoke quietly and gently. Bobby wondered how often he had to negotiate family squabbles such as this over the decisions that had to be made. "The meeting on Monday was spontaneous and purely informational," he was saying. "Your mother and your wife had questions and I tried to answer them. But we were all very aware that as Mrs. Goren's conservator, only you can make the final decision about whether to continue or stop the treatments."

"And I've made my decision," Bobby said, his eyes on Annie. "She's going to continue the treatments."

With that he turned and stormed from the room. He heard his mother's angry exclamations and Annie's soothing voice trying to calm her, assuring the doctor that she would speak with him. He strode down the hallway to the visitor's waiting room at the end. He was glad to find it empty. He paced around the room, fighting a strong urge to punch the wall over and over until it was riddled with holes, or to pick up one of the cheap table lamps and throw it through the window.

He didn't hear or see her, but he knew instantly that Annie had entered the room and he turned to face her. She didn't say anything, but stood just inside the doorway waiting for him. She was still dressed in the clothes she wore to work that morning. As a supervisor, she no longer wore scrubs but looked very businesslike in her black pants with lavender pinstripes, white shirt and lavender jacket.

"All week," he said. "You've been making plans with my mother, with her doctor, all week and never bothered once to talk to me about it. Me…her son, her conservator. You just went behind my back and took charge, assuming that I will just fall into line and accept whatever you want."

She didn't answer him; she just stood with her hands clasped loosely in front of her, watching him.

"I'm not going to do this, Annie. I'm not going to sign my mother's death warrant. These treatments are her only chance. She may be too weak and too tired and too sick to make decisions based on what's best for her…but that's why I'm her conservator; to know what's best and to do it, even if she thinks she doesn't want to. I've had to make a lot of difficult decisions for Mom over the years and I'm going to do it again. With or without your support."

Still she remained silent and Bobby began pacing back and forth in front of her.

"This is what you do, isn't it, Annie? You can't resist 'fixing' things. You always know what's 'right' and you are going to make sure the rest of us comply, no matter how much you have to manipulate."

She dropped her eyes and he could see her hands clasp a little tighter. He knew he was hurting her, but his own pain…and fear…was so great that he couldn't seem to stop himself.

"This is my decision…mine! You had no right to go behind my back. This isn't your mother. Or have you forgotten what it's like to lose your mother?"

He knew instantly he had gone too far and he saw her face drain of color. He had invoked the sad eleven year old mother-less girl who still lived in her, and had taunted her with it. Still she didn't answer him.

"She's going to continue the treatments," he said quietly, firmly. "It's my decision and I say she's going to continue. Whether she wants to or not. If I have to, I'll tell them to strap her down to the bed to……"

Bobby stopped, the image in his mind of his mother strapped to a hospital bed numerous times over the years…every time she had a psychotic break. What was he saying? He wasn't going to put his mother through that. He knew it, and as he looked at Annie, he knew that she knew it too. She hadn't followed him into this waiting room to argue with him or plead with him. She had come to wait for him to accept, to…._capitulate,_ he thought, dropping heavily into a chair. With his elbows on his knees, he buried his face in his hands and admitted his defeat.

He had told Nelda Carlson once that his mother had been slipping away from him since he was seven years old. He realized he had been fighting her mental illness for almost forty years. Acting purely on childish instinct in the beginning, he had spent most of his life battling as fiercely as if he were embroiled in a war with a person. The schizophrenia seemed almost as much of a physical presence as a human. He began researching the disease and treatment when he was too small to lift the heavy psychiatric books in the library, and he had never stopped reading, looking for any promising new treatment. But no matter how hard he tried to hold onto her, he always felt her slipping away. And now there was a new enemy that was dragging her away, and this one he could not win against. All his research, all his knowledge, would not save her. This time the enemy would win, once and for all, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

Suddenly Annie was there, kneeling between his legs, holding his face in her hands, gently kissing his forehead. He lifted his head and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her roughly against him. He squeezed her too tightly and heard her soft gasp, and loosened his hold slightly. She put her arms around his neck. Bobby fought back tears as he rested his cheek against her shoulder.

"I can't do this, Annie, I can't," he whispered. "It's too much….I can't."

For the first time since entering the waiting room, she spoke. "I'm here, Bobby, I'm here. You won't have to do this alone…I'll be here."

He didn't know how long they stayed there, clinging to one another. She didn't try to rush him, didn't remind him that Dr. Syleste was very busy but was waiting for them in his mother's room, she didn't say anything. She just held him for as long as he needed. Finally, he reached to hold her face between his large hands and rested his forehead against hers, eyes closed, gathering strength. He opened his eyes and she met his gaze, calm and serene. Bobby kissed her, and then stood, helping her up from the floor. Taking her hand, they walked back to the room to find the doctor still there, waiting.

"OK," he said softly. "Tell me how this is going to work."

Later, after plans had been made for his mother to return to Carmel Ridge Treatment Center on Monday, after they had driven home in silence, Bobby holding Annie's hand as he drove, after they had said goodnight to the children, deciding to wait until morning to talk to them about what was happening, after they had gotten ready for bed and climbed under the covers, Bobby reached for Annie in the dark. She wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly, whispering, "Shh…" when he tried to apologize. He made love to his wife then, quietly and desperately, trying to shut out thoughts of his mother, trying to shut out the pain of knowing he would lose her, trying to shut out the guilt of failing her.

**End chapter 16**

******- Charles Dickens, _A Tale of Two Cities_, Book 1, Chapter 6

21


	17. Chapter 17

**DECONSTRUCTION**

_This chapter takes place during Endgame. My intention was to have one chapter for Endgame and one chapter for Renewal. But of course, I just talk too much. LOL This chapter was getting too long and so I am making it into two. I still plan on Renewal taking one chapter, but we will see what happens. For this chapter, I am lifting dialogue directly from the episode with my deepest appreciation and acknowledgement to the wonderful writers. When I have done that in the past, I have put them in italics. But since I am using italics to signify someone's thoughts, especially Bobby's thoughts at the beginning, I need to find another way to differentiate words taken directly from the episode. I certainly don't want to take undue credit for the amazing job the writers have done. So anything that comes from the episode itself will be in bold, whether in italics (as in the beginning with Bobby's 'narration') or not. _

_One more note…the time stamps. I put them in just for my own purposes when outlining the chapter and deciding what would go where. Then I realized that has been removing the asterisks I use to delineate scene changes. So I am leaving the dates in, just for that purpose. The dates themselves were picked by me, based on when I think the events of previous episodes and the first episode of season 7, Amends, took place. I have no way of knowing if this is the time frame the writers had in mind. In some ways, it seems too cold for May….Eames in her leather jacket, Goren in his black overcoat. But this is when it seems to fit best for my purposes. What we do know is that from the first scenes, when Mark Ford Brady was told his execution was imminent, to that last scene of Bobby sitting in his mother's empty room, it is 15 days. I had to jump ahead a few days at a time in parts in order to get to a 15 day frame. _

_Thank you, as always, to Judyg for beta'ing, and for encouraging me…and for letting me obsess endlessly over the characters of this story. Thank you again to everyone who is reading this. These characters, both the ones created by Dick Wolf and Rene Balcer, as well as the ones created by me, are so real and vivid in my head, I'm truly grateful that I get to share them with you._

**CHAPTER 17**

_I am carrying a box of my mother's belongings, walking beside Mom's wheelchair as a nurse pushes her to the room she has occupied for so many years. She is returning to Carmel Ridge Treatment Center…to die. My mother is dying. This is a fact, and I deal in facts every day. But this is one that I am still unable to accept. I consented to stop the treatments. I agreed to the plan devised by my wife and my mother for Annie to move into Mom's room, to stay with her until she….. I asked for a leave of absence from work so that I can also spend time with her. I went looking for my brother, whom I haven't seen since February, in a soup line outside a church. I explained to him about mom's condition and bought him a pre-paid cell phone so we could keep in touch._

_I have done all these things, yet still I cannot accept this fact that Mom is dying. I cannot deny it, but I can't accept it. And so, as we approach her room, I try once more to convince her to continue the treatments._

"_**I just couldn't take those meds anymore, Bobby**__," Mom tells me._

"_**Ma, it's your only chance, you know**__," I say._

"_**Oh, please! They made me so nauseated I couldn't even read! Well, you know what? I'll just spend whatever time I have left right here. No IVs, no wires, no more machines."**_

_Annie will be here soon. She stayed at home to pack and to take the kids to school. She wanted to spend a little more time with them because she probably won't be home again until….it is all over. Annie told me she asked Mom to come home with us, but she refused. Mom didn't want her grandchildren to watch her die. It's for the best. With a cop for a father and a nurse for a mother, our children are not afraid of death. But having their parents talk about death and dying is a far cry from actually seeing it up close…especially someone they love. _

_The nurse and I help her into bed and I can't stop myself from trying one more time._

"_**You can't just give up, Mom**__."_

"_**Bobby, I may only have a few weeks left. Please…don't give me a hard time, OK?"**_

_Mom actually looks better than she has for months. She is still thin, but I know has been eating a little better in the last few days, and her color has improved. She stays awake for longer periods and her conversation is more like herself. She isn't so lethargic and weak._

_I turn to take her things out of the box and put them away. The first item I pull out is a picture. I stop and look at my younger self, with my brother. I'm not sure that Frank understood how serous the situation is with Mom. I told him that it is important for us…both of us…to spend as much time as possible with her. Frank said he would "try" to stop by today. I'm not holding my breath._

_The door opens and I look up as Annie walks in, carrying an overnight bag and a small suitcase. Worry flits across her face as she looks at me, but then she smiles and sets her bags down. Crossing the room, she slides an arm around my waist and leans into me as she looks to see what I am studying. She silently traces a finger over my image and then insinuates herself into my embrace, wrapping her arms around my waist and resting her cheek against my chest. I set the picture down and hold her tightly against me, laying my cheek against the top of her head and inhaling the light lilac scent that is Annie._

_For this moment, there is relief from the refrain that has been echoing in my head since our meeting with Dr. Syleste…."I can't do this, I can't do this." Peace. It flows from Annie into me as she holds me tightly. _

_My cell phone rings and I drop a kiss on Annie's head as I pull it out of my pocket and look at the caller ID. _Graterford State Penitentiary_. Sighing, Annie releases me and I step outside to take the call._

**Monday May 7—DAY 1**

Annie sat on the loveseat, reading, while Frances slept. The loveseat would make into a twin bed and she hoped it would be comfortable as that was where she would be sleeping for the time being. Bobby was in Pennsylvania. She sighed softly, thinking of the phone call he had received from the warden at Graterford State Penitentiary. He told Bobby that Wally Stevens had asked to see him as soon as possible….there was something urgent he needed to speak to Bobby about.

Wally Stevens. Annie had known for years that Bobby exchanged letters with the serial killer, but she had never seen any of them because they went to the Major Case Squad rather than to their home. Annie resisted the urge to ask him not to go, to remind him that his mother was dying and he had taken a leave of absence to be with her. But there really was no need for the two of them to sit in this room for the next few weeks and just…wait. Maybe it was better that Bobby was distracted today. She knew that accompanying his mother from the hospital back to Carmel Ridge was difficult for him. The door opened and she looked up, expecting to see Bobby.

"Annie…" Frank greeted her.

"Hello, Frank." Annie stood up as he walked into the room and looked down at his mother, asleep in her bed. "You're looking well," she said, meaning it. Based on what Bobby told her about his meeting with his brother outside the church, she has expected him to look thin and emaciated. He must be clean…for the time being.

He turned and grinned at her. "Well, thank you, Annie. You look great, too. So I see you and my little brother patched things up."

"Yes, we did."

"Must have come as a disappointment to his…uh…_partner_."

Annie rolled her eyes, remembering that Bobby told her Frank asked if Alex was his wife. So nothing had changed…she and Frank would continue this ridiculous animosity even now, as his mother lay dying. She had a retort on the tip of her tongue but was interrupted by Frances waking up.

"Frank?" She looked at him sleepily, then came awake as realization dawned that he was really there. "Frank! Oh, Frank, I _knew_ you would come!"

Frank leaned down to kiss her cheek and Frances hugged him tightly.

"Of course I came, Ma. Nothing could have kept me away."

Annie laid her book down and said, "I think I'll just take a little walk and get some fresh air while you two visit."

She picked up her purse and left mother and son alone. As she headed down to the lobby and out the front door, she wondered just how often Frank intended to visit…and how many walks she would need to take.

**Tuesday May 8—DAY 2**

"You sure you want to do this?"

Bobby considered his partner's question. They were driving to Pennsylvania for the second time. Earlier in the day they had gone to Graterford State Penitentiary to interview a serial killer, Mark Ford Brady. The "urgent matter" Wally Stevens had wanted to talk to him about was a message from Brady, leading them to a scrapbook hidden in his mother's old house. Inside the scrapbook, entitled "The 80's", were photographs of women that he had taken, including five of the women he was convicted of killing. Bobby and Alex were trying to indentify the other thirteen women in the scrapbook before Brady was scheduled to be executed in two weeks, and were on their way back to the prison to talk to him about one woman whose husband was serving a life sentence for her murder.

Did he want to do this? He knew that Mark Ford Brady was intelligent, manipulative, and was using them to try to gain a stay of execution. It was always gratifying to Bobby when he matched wits with someone who was as sharp as Brady, and dragged their secrets from them against their will. But this time there was more than his endless search for justice for victims. Engaging in a mental game of chess with Brady left him with little time to focus on the looming death of his mother.

"I'm sure," he told Eames as his cell phone rang.

"You didn't come back yesterday," his mother said.

Between the trip to Pennsylvania to see Wally and the search of the house, it had been late when he finished. Rather than driving all the way to Carmel Ridge, he called and talked to Annie, then went home to get some sleep.

"**Ah**," Bobby said, rubbing his hand over his face, "**Uh…Mom, I'm sorry. We have a…it's an inmate on Death Row.**"

"**Well…I guess one Death Row visit is as good as another**," she said. "**So, your brother dropped in again today…**" Bobby caught the barb about Frank dropping in _again_…meaning Bobby _hadn't_ dropped in. **"….and he said you have a girlfriend. Who is she?"**

"**No, no, no, no…that's not….he misunderstood**."

He should have known. If there was a way to cause trouble, Frank would find it. Bobby wondered if Frank was taunting Annie with this idea that Alex was his girlfriend.

"**I wanna meet her**," she said curtly, and hung up.

Giving an embarrassed chuckle, Bobby looked at Alex. "**My mom wants to meet you,**" he said sheepishly. "**My brother's been talking you up**."

Alex smiled but didn't answer, keeping her eyes on the road. She knew enough about Bobby's brother to not be too surprised that he was suggesting they were involved. She felt sorry for Annie, dedicated to staying with her mother-in-law in her last days which necessitated putting up with her brother-in-law as well. She wondered briefly if she should insist more strongly that Bobby go to Carmel Ridge and leave this case alone.

Later, Bobby sat with his hand over his mouth as Brady confessed to murder. He usually didn't show shock or revulsion when coaxing a confession. But Brady's almost sensual description of strangling the life from the young woman was particularly horrifying. By the time they left the prison with the name of another young woman from the scrapbook, it was again late and Bobby was drained and exhausted. He called Annie to let her know that he would not be coming. Again.

"OK," she said. He waited but she didn't say what he knew she wanted to say.

"I'll come up early in the morning, before I go to work…OK?"

"OK," she said again.

Looking for something to talk about, other than his failure to visit his dying mother, Bobby said, "So were you there when Frank told Mom about my 'girlfriend'?"

"What?" He heard her choke back the exclamation, trying not to wake Mom up. "Wait a minute," she said and he heard the sounds of her getting up and going out into the hallway. "I make myself scarce when Frank is here," she said, finally. "What are you talking about?"

"Frank told Mom that I have a girlfriend," he told her. "And now she wants to meet her."

Bobby could hear her trying to control herself and not draw attention from the staff, but her giggles were infectious and he began to chuckle with her.

"I suppose," she gasped, "that Alex is the 'girlfriend'?"

"That's my assumption," he replied, thinking how much he loved the sound of Annie's laughter. "I told her my brother was talking her up."

"Oh brother!" Bobby could picture her in his mind, leaning against the wall trying not to disturb other patients or the staff, trying to suppress her giggles. "Oh, oh," she said, taking a shaky breath. "I don't understand why Mom would take it seriously. She knows we are back together."

Bobby sobered at that. He knew why his mother was willing to believe it.

"It's partly because it's Frank, you know," he answered. "But mostly it's because…." He hesitated a moment before going on. "It's because she thinks I'm my father. Dad left her; I left you. Dad cheated on her; I must be cheating on you."

"Oh," she said softly. Even now, with his mother dying, family ghosts were there, pulling them apart. "Why don't you ask Alex to come with you in the morning?"

"What? Why?"

"Well, we can deny and explain this all we want. But Frank's made the suggestion and now it's stuck in her head. Maybe if she meets Alex and sees that you and she are just partners, sees that Alex and I are friends…it will allay her suspicions."

Bobby sighed. "OK, I'll ask her before we leave the office. Annie….I love you."

"I love you, too, Babe."

**Wednesday May 9—DAY 3**

Bobby looked down at his shoes, casting an occasional glance at Alex, as the elevator ascended to the fourth floor. He was surprised at how quickly she agreed to this meeting, knowing that his mother believed they were having an affair. He wasn't sure the way she was dressed was going to alleviate his mother's suspicions, though. Her upswept hair and black, long-sleeved shirt softened her features…not the way she usually dressed for work, where softness was not something she wanted to project.

The elevator stopped and the doors opened to reveal Annie standing on the other side. Her face lit up with a smile when she saw them and as they stepped off the elevator she almost threw herself into his arms. He chuckled softly and hugged her tightly for a moment before leaning down to kiss her. Annie backed away, but slid her hand down his arm to clasp his hand as she turned to give Alex a hug.

"I love your hair up like that, Alex. You look very pretty this morning," Annie told her.

"Well," Alex replied with a shrug, "I thought your brother-in-law might be here. A girl wants to look nice when she's meeting her boyfriend's family."

Annie laughed and Bobby shifted uncomfortably.

"Well, you two go on in. Mom wanted 'real coffee' so I'm going to run to the diner down the street. I'll get some for you two as well. I don't drink it, but I hear their coffee is excellent."

She gave Bobby another quick kiss and hug before pushing the button for the elevator that had left while they talked.

Bobby had been worried about what his mother might say to his partner when they met. She was sitting on the love seat and when Bobby introduced them, Frances shook Alex's hand and patted the seat next to her for Bobby to sit. Alex sat in a chair facing them. Frances watched Alex closely, but to Bobby's relief did not say anything inappropriate. They chatted for a few minutes about the weather, the flowers brightening the outside of the facility, and the phone call from the children the night before.

Finally Frances said, "Tell me about your family, Alex."

"Well," Alex replied, "my father was a cop; he's retired now. My mother worked in a bank when she and my Dad first got married, but she quit once she got pregnant with my sister. I have an older sister and two younger brothers, all married, all of them have children."

"Are your parents still living?"

"Oh yes…my mother had a stroke several years ago, but she has recovered very well; she just has some residual weakness on her left side."

"And your sister…." Frances leaned forward slightly. "You carried a baby for her, didn't you?"

"Yes I did," Alex told her with a smile. "He's three years old now. They named him Joe, after my late husband." Her face glowed in the way it always did when she spoke about her nephew. Bobby knew that she treated all of her nieces and nephews equally, but there was no denying the connection she felt to the nephew she had given birth to.

"So you're a widow?"

"Yes I am. My husband was also a cop; he was killed in the line of duty almost nine years ago."

"I'm sorry to hear that. And you have never remarried?"

Bobby shifted uncomfortably, but Alex just smiled as she answered. "No, I've never remarried. But I am seeing someone; he's a firefighter."

"And is it serious with this firefighter?"

"Mom…"

Frances ignored him, her attention never straying from Alex's face. Alex showed no signs of unease.

"Yes," she told her. "It's very serious."

Frances leaned towards Alex slightly. "My daughter-in-law is a wonderful person," she said. "She's been very good to me and I wouldn't like to see her hurt. Annie and Bobby have been through so much already."

"Mom…" Bobby tried again, but Frances waved him away in annoyance, her eyes on Alex.

Alex leaned forward and patted the older woman's hand. "I agree with you, Mrs. Goren. Annie is a wonderful person, and she's a good friend of mine. I wouldn't want her to get hurt, either."

There was silence for a moment as Frances and Alex looked at one another, neither of them glancing at Bobby shifting uncomfortably next to his mother. The tension was broken by Annie's breezy entrance, carrying a box with three coffees and a soda. After dispensing the coffees, she sat in another nearby chair and shared the latest gossip she had heard down at the diner. After a few minutes Bobby and Alex said their goodbyes, needing to get back to the city.

In the elevator, Bobby kept his eyes on the lighted buttons as the elevator descended and said, "Thank you, Eames."

"My pleasure," she said and took a sip of her coffee. "Annie is right…this is good coffee."

Mike and Megan were already at their desks when Bobby and Alex arrived at work, and they met them at their desks as they were settling in. They asked how the case was going and were interested in the identifications they had made.

"Look, Goren," Mike said, "we know this is a….bad time for you. So if you want…Wheeler and I can help Eames out on this so you can…uh…spend time with your mother. We don't have anything pressing right now and you're supposed to be off anyway."

Bobby looked up at him. He knew Logan was right; he shouldn't be here working on this case, he should be at Carmel Ridge with his mother and his wife. But as soon as Wally Stevens had given him the message from Brady, Bobby knew he would follow this case to the end. This was a puzzle he needed to solve; a puzzle he needed to distract him from his helplessness and guilt over his mother.

"Thanks Logan," he said. "But I'm fine; I'll finish the case."

"Alright," Mike told him, "but if you change your mind, let us know."

Bobby nodded and the two detectives returned to their desks. Captain Ross came out of his office for an update as Alex looked over the missing person's report that had been filed nine years earlier on the woman whose name Brady had given them the day before. Bobby once again pushed aside thoughts about his mother and turned his full attention to the case.

**Thursday May 10-DAY 4**

Alex opened her front door and was greeted by the aroma of whatever Tom was preparing for dinner. She found him in the kitchen, checking on some kind of garlicky, creamy, pasta casserole that he learned to make for the guys at the fire station. It was the kind of dish that, if they had to leave suddenly on a call, they could come back to an hour later and it would still taste good. He smiled as he straightened and saw her. Alex wondered if there would ever come a time when her heart would stop doing flip flops whenever he smiled at her like that.

"Just you and me tonight," he said as he enveloped her in a hug. "The kids are with their mom."

Alex wrapped her arms around him and felt the tension drain from her as she relaxed against him.

"Tough day?" he asked as he nuzzled her hair.

"Yeah," she sighed. "We got the autopsies back on the two women that Brady hid inside the wall of that apartment building. And we found one woman who is alive." She disengaged herself and sat down in one of the chairs while Tom poured her a glass of wine. "I don't know about Bobby, but it hadn't even occurred to me that any of those women in his scrapbook might still be alive."

"So do you think this was a fluke, or that there might be more who survived?" Tom handed her the wine and sat down in the chair next to hers.

"I don't know," Alex said thoughtfully. "It's not like it was an accident that she lived; she didn't escape. He let her live. She said it's because she let him think she enjoyed what he did to her. So maybe there are more out there. I hope so."

As they stood together at the sink later, washing dishes, Tom asked about Bobby.

"He's OK…I guess," Alex told him. "Logan and Wheeler offered to help me with the case so that he could take his leave and spend time with his mother. But he wanted to finish the case."

"Is that a good thing?"

"I don't know….I think maybe it's easier for him to be caught up in work, rather than sitting at his mother's bedside, waiting for her to die."

Tom nodded in understanding. He finished putting the dishes away while Alex wiped the counter. She turned to face him, leaning against the counter.

"Do you remember that detective who translated for us with the deaf a while back…Peter Lyons?" Tom nodded. "He…uh…called me a couple weeks ago. He asked me out on a date."

Tom closed the cupboard door and turned to face her. "Really?" She nodded at him and he moved to stand in front of her, his hands on the counter on either side of her. He knew it made her uncomfortable when anyone, even him, invaded her personal space. He smiled down at her. "So what was your answer?" he asked, his hazel eyes teasing.

Alex grinned and pushed at his chest playfully. "I told him no, of course!"

"Glad to hear it," Tom chuckled as he leaned down to kiss her.

"I need to ask you something," she said when she could finally catch her breath. "Captain Ross made a comment about Peter being a 'decent guy'…like he was trying to fix me up with him or something. Bobby seems to think that most people at work don't know that I'm…with you." She looked up at him. "Do you think I've sectioned off my life with you…kept you separate from the rest of my life? Do you think I keep you a…secret?"

Tom frowned for a moment as he considered her question. "I think," he said slowly, "that cops and firefighters both tend to keep their family life and their work life as separate as possible. It's self-preservation. You don't want perps or the general public to know too much about your family, and you don't want your family to know how truly gruesome and horrible the job can get sometimes. Unfortunately, being so closed off is one of the reasons so many cops and firefighters end up divorced. But do I feel like you keep me a secret? If you are asking if I think you're ashamed of me, or of our relationship…the answer is no. I've met your partner and his family, Logan, Wheeler…we do things as a couple. And you take me to your family gatherings." He leaned down and rubbed his cheek against hers. "I've got no complaints about where I fit in your life, Alex."

Alex closed her eyes and relished the feel of his scratchy five o'clock shadow against her skin.

"Although," he said softly, "if you are worried that you haven't made it public enough, I could always get you a tee-shirt to wear to work…with my picture on the front and 'Tom's woman' on the back."

Alex laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Sounds like a great idea, Spencer."

Tom laughed, too, and put his hands on around her waist. Covering her mouth with his, he pulled her from the kitchen and began to back her down the hallway towards the bedroom.

"I was thinking," she said as his lips traveled over her throat, "I got a lot of comments about my hair the other day when I wore it up. I think maybe I'll do that again tomorrow."

"Oh good," Tom said. "In that case I'll just leave a trail of hickeys all over your throat and the back of your neck…you know, just so everyone will know that you're taken."

Alex was laughing too hard to answer as he pushed her into the bedroom and firmly closed the door behind them.

**Friday May 11-DAY 5**

Annie was engrossed in her book and so it took several moments to realize she was not alone. She looked up to find Bobby standing in the doorway of the waiting room, silently watching her. He smiled when she finally noticed him and walked across the room to sit next to her on the sofa. Putting one arm around her shoulders, he pulled her close and kissed her. This was the first time he had been back since he and Alex came to visit two days earlier.

"Since you are in the waiting room, I take that my brother is here?"

"Yes," she said, running the palm of her hand over his tie. "He's been here every day, and today he's been here most of the afternoon."

"You shouldn't have to leave every time he comes to visit."

"No, it's not that I don't want to be around Frank…although I don't…I just think he should have as much time alone with Mom as possible." She looked up at him evenly. "And so should you."

"Yeah, I get that. So Frank is here every day and I'm….AWOL," he said with a sigh. "Well…that's different."

"Yeah," she replied. "It _is_ different."

He rested his forehead against hers and said softly, "I'm trying, Babe. I'm trying."

"I know. But…..I'm not sure _she_ does." He hugged her tightly and she reached her hand up to gently pat his cheek. Finally pulling away, she told him, "Go see your mother and your brother. I'm going to stay here with my book."

"Coward."

"I prefer to think of it as the path of least resistance," she said with a smile.

Bobby kissed her and then got up and headed for his mother's room.

An hour later he was back in the waiting room, looking down at his sleeping wife. She had curled up on the sofa with her book and fallen asleep. The book had slipped from her fingers and fallen to the floor. He knelt next to her, ignoring the complaining twinge in his right knee, and dropped a soft kiss on her temple. Annie's eyes fluttered open and she smiled sleepily at him.

"I fell asleep," she murmured.

"Yes you did," he answered. "Are you not sleeping well?"

"Mmm….it's OK. Sometimes Mom wakes up in the night and needs a drink or something for pain." She pushed herself up to a sitting position and stretched. "What time is it? Have I been asleep long?"

"No, not long," he told her. "It's dinner time, though. Mom sent her tray away…said she wants Chinese, and she wants Frank and me to stay; I called in an order already." He joined her on the sofa and she leaned against him, soft and warm from sleep. "Is that going to be OK? You aren't going to hide out here the rest of the evening, are you?"

"No," she said. "I'll join you for dinner. But I want to call the kids first; I haven't talked to them yet today. How has the visit been so far?"

"Well, almost as soon as I walked in the room, Frank dragged me out into the hallway to ask if Mom's 'affairs' are in order. But other than that, it's been great."

Annie looked up at him in disbelief. "Her 'affairs'? What 'affairs'?"

"That's what I told him," Bobby said. "She has no 'affairs'. But you know Frank…he's got to try."

Annie held her palm against his cheek. "Bobby, I'm sorry."

He covered her hand with his and turned his head to kiss her palm. "It's going to be alright," he said with a sigh.

Despite the shadow of his mother's impending death, despite his brother's avarice rearing it's ugly head at a time like this, despite his wife's reluctance to even be in the same room with his brother, despite his own yearning to escape from this room and his feelings of guilt and inadequacy…despite all of this, it turned out to be an enjoyable evening. His mother was feeling and looking better than she had in months. It was easy to imagine this was just another visit and that she was not sick. Frank, after assuring himself that their mother had no "estate" to be dealt with, was relaxed and as charming as only Frank could be. Even Annie smiled and joked with his mother and his brother. Bobby found himself relaxing and laughing along with Mom and Frank at Annie's attempts to eat with chopsticks like the rest of them. No matter how many times he had tried to teach her over the years, it was something she simply never got the hang of…yet she always insisted on making the attempt.

Annie, sitting next to him on the love seat, leaned into him and slipped her hand into his, intertwining her fingers with his. He looked down at her and realized she was not even looking at him, her attention on a story Frank was telling as his mother's laughter filled the room. She had reached for him unconsciously; just as she used to do before….before everything became complicated and difficult. She felt his eyes on her and looked up. Her expression was filled with such naked love and lust that Bobby's entire body tingled. It was the first truly unguarded expression he had seen on her face since he moved home…longer than that.

He briefly squeezed her fingers and turned his attention back to his brother, afraid that if he stared at her too long her guard would go back up. Frank was telling a story about a Christmas tree decorating fiasco and now Bobby interjected his memories of that day. As their laughter filled the room and caused more than one staff member and patient to glance in as they passed, Bobby wondered how many more moments they would have with Mom. Would this be the last time he sat here with his wife, his brother, and his mother, laughing at old stories? _It's too soon_, he thought, lifting a silent prayer up to Annie's God. _We haven't had enough of these moments. Please_, he pleaded with the God he wasn't even sure existed, _please _give_ us more time with her._

**End chapter 17**

16


	18. Chapter 18

Top of Form

**DECONSTRUCTION**

_This chapter takes place during Endgame. My intention was to have one chapter for Endgame and one chapter for Renewal. But of course, I just talk too much. This was getting too long and so I am just going with the flow and see how many I end up with, both for Endgame and Renewal. _

_For this chapter, I am lifting dialogue directly from the episode with my deepest appreciation and acknowledgement to the wonderful writers, Warren Leight, Julie Martin, and Kate Rorick. When I have done that in the past, I have put them in italics. But since I am using italics to signify someone's thoughts, especially Bobby's thoughts at the beginning, I need to find another way to differentiate words taken directly from the episode. I certainly don't want to take undue credit for the amazing job the writers have done. So anything that comes from the episode itself will be in bold, whether in italics (as in the beginning with Bobby's 'narration') or not. _

_Thank you, as always, to Judyg for beta'ing, and for encouraging me…and for allowing me obsess endlessly over the characters of this story. Thank you again to everyone who is reading this. These characters, both the ones created by Dick Wolf and Rene Balcer, as well as the ones created by me, are so real and vivid in my head, I'm truly grateful that I get to share them with you._

**CHAPTER 18**

_Crocuses. Mark Ford Brady is playing me, has been playing me from the moment he told Wally Stevens to give me a message. He has planned out every move in this game of chess he is playing with me. And I have fallen for every ploy like any amateur trying foolishly to checkmate a master. _

_Driving up to Sullivan County and digging through crocuses was not how I intended to spend this day. I was supposed to go to Carmel Ridge after interviewing Brady. My mother was expecting me. My wife was expecting me. My children were expecting me. I should have at least called to let them know I wasn't going to make it. But like a coward, I couldn't face the disappointment in Annie's voice. _

_I'm used to my mother being disappointed in me; I can't seem to remember a time in my life when she wasn't. But Annie. Annie's disappointment is a recent phenomenon. I deserve it, but oh how it cuts me to see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice._

_I know that I should take Logan and Wheeler up on their offer and let them work this case with Eames. She is more than capable. They are more than capable. I should walk away from Brady and his machinations; I should go to Carmel Ridge and wait with my wife as my mother dies. These are the things I should do. _

**Saturday May 12-DAY 6**

It was late, almost midnight, and Annie was exhausted. Janey had dropped the children off to visit while she spent the afternoon exploring antique shops. Frank had shown up, as well, and the children and Frances were all delighted to see him. But all the excitement with the visit from her grandchildren had left Frances fatigued, but in too much pain to fall asleep. Annie had crawled into the bed with her and held her, singing softly, until the pain medicine finally took effect and she drifted to sleep. Frances had been feeling and looking so good these last few days, it was easy to forget…or to pretend to forget, at least…that she was dying. But as Annie lay there with her arms around her mother-in-law's body, she realized how thin she was. She could feel the bones of her shoulder blades and every vertebra down her back.

Once Frances was asleep, Annie carefully rolled out of the bed and gently tucked the blanket around her. She desperately wanted to climb into the uncomfortable sofa-bed and get some sleep herself. But she wanted to talk to Bobby first. He had been working all day, but Annie thought he would show up in the evening and was as disappointed as Frances when he didn't. She slipped out of the room and went to the empty waiting room to call him. He answered on the second ring.

"Annie? Has something…Is Mom alright?"

"She's fine; she's sleeping," Annie said, wanting to kick herself for not realizing that calling this late would cause Bobby to jump to the wrong conclusion. "She had a hard time falling asleep tonight…too much excitement with the kids visiting."

"Oh. Uh….How did the visit go?"

"It was good; Mom really enjoyed seeing them. It was a nice day, so we went outside and watched the kids kick around the soccer ball." She hesitated a moment. "Frank played with them, too."

"Frank," he said with a sigh. "Frank was there again."

"He's been here every day, Bobby."

"That must make Mom happy."

"The happiest I've seen her is last night when _both_ of you were here." Bobby didn't answer, so she added, "Bobby…I thought that you were going to come by this evening."

He heaved another sigh and she could almost see him wearily rubbing his forehead with his thumb and forefinger.

"I know you did, Babe. I was planning to. It's just that this…."

"…case," she finished for him. "Something came up with the case."

"Annie…."

Now it was her turn to sigh. "I'm sorry Bobby…I just…."

"I know, Annie. I really thought today might be the end of it. We only had three more women to identify. I talked with Brady alone because he seems to…I don't know…respond to me. And he gave me a…clue…that one of the women was in the lake by his property up in Sullivan County. So we drove up there with a search team and divers. We didn't get back until late…I just got home about an hour ago."

"Did you find the woman's body?"

"No we didn't. If he dumped any bodies in that lake, they are …..gone by now. But…we found something else."

"What?"

"Another scrapbook," he said quietly.

"Another scrapbook? With more pictures of women?"

"Yeah…This one said 'The Sixties' on it."

"The Sixties? Oh my God, Bobby…how many women has he raped and killed? And how long has he been doing it?"

"We don't know. This scrapbook has another twenty or so women in it. But it wasn't kept in a sheltered environment like the first one. So the pictures are faded, some of the faces are unidentifiable." He hesitated a moment before adding, "There's no way we will be able to identify these women without Brady's cooperation."

"Bobby…" Her voice was soft. "Maybe it's time to hand this case over to someone else….and take the leave you were planning to take."

They were both silent for a long time. Annie felt the beginnings of a headache.

Finally he said, "I've established a rapport with him, Annie. We only have ten days before he's executed. If someone else goes in there now, he could just close down and we will lose the opportunity to identify all those women."

"And instead of identifying them, he could just lead you to another scrapbook called 'The Seventies'," she told him. "Surely it's occurred to you that there is at least one more scrapbook…with more women."

"Yeah…it's occurred to me. But all I can do is go with what's in front of me for right now. And right now there are twenty more women in front of me….possibly twenty more families needing closure."

"Right now what's in front of you is your mother dying of cancer," she snapped.

More silence, and then, "You're right, Annie. I know you're right. Look…Logan and Wheeler offered to take over and help Eames." He sighed. "There's nothing we can do tomorrow, so I'll come and spend the day, OK? And then….just give me a few days…until CSU gets back to us with whatever they can find on that scrapbook, and until I can talk with Brady one more time…maybe get the answers we need. By Wednesday, I'll hand it over to Logan and Wheeler. OK?"

"Wednesday?"

"Wednesday."

"OK, Bobby…Wednesday." Annie's head was throbbing now, and she was suddenly so exhausted she was tempted to just lie down there in the waiting room and go to sleep. "Babe….I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he answered softly. "You're right…I need to be there with Mom. And with you. In case I haven't told you…I appreciate everything you are doing, everything you have done."

"You have told me…I love you Bobby."

"I love you Annie. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow."

**Monday May 14-DAY 8**

Pete Jacobs had known Mike Logan for a long time, and had served him more drinks than he could remember. He had seen the detective drunk before, but never as drunk as he was tonight. He didn't look all that impaired…to someone who didn't have Pete's eye for drunks. Mike was sitting at the end of the bar, and he was upright, not draped sloppily across the smooth oak finish like so many in his condition would have been. His tie was loosened and he had his jacket open. But when Pete approached him, he recognized the glazed look in his eyes, his difficulty focusing on Pete's words, the slurring of his words as he ordered another Scotch.

"Don't you think you've had enough, Mike?"

"Enough?" Mike smile was humorless. "If I'm still conscious, then I haven't had enough."

Pete poured a small amount of the amber liquid into a glass and said, "This is the last one, Mike. I'm cutting you off." As Mike reached for the drink, Pete pulled it back. "How about letting me take a look at your phone before I give this to you?"

Mike gave an exaggerated shrug and pulled his phone out of his pocket, slapping it down on the bar. Pete slid the glass towards him, picked up the phone, and walked down to the other end of the bar. He scrolled through the contact list, not sure of who he was looking for. Although Mike lived just around the corner, so driving wasn't an issue, Pete still would feel better knowing someone made sure he made it safely to his apartment. _Captain Deakins._ Was that Mike's boss? Peter remembered Mike saying he owed Deakins a lot for getting him out of Staten Island. Maybe he would know who Pete should call. He pushed the button to call the number, hoping that getting drunk while off duty was not something his friend could get in trouble for.

Jimmy Deakins pushed open the door to Peter J's and stepped inside. He spotted Logan immediately, sitting at the bar, nursing a drink. He walked over and slid onto the stool next to him. Mike turned his head slowly towards him, trying to steady himself as he moved. His eyes took a moment to focus and then a smile spread across his face as recognition set in.

"Captain," he said. "What're you doing here?"

"It's just Jimmy now, son," Jimmy told him. "I'm not your captain anymore. And I'm here because your buddy Pete was worried about you making it home alright."

"Pete's like a mother hen," Mike slurred with a laugh. "I just live around the corner…"

Pete walked up to the two men. "Captain Deakins?"

"Jimmy," he introduced himself, shaking hands over the bar. "Thanks for calling me, Pete."

Pete set Mike's phone on the bar. "I….uh…haven't caused Mike any trouble over this, have I?"

"No," Jimmy told him. "No trouble at all. Does he owe you anything?"

"No…Mike always makes good on his tab. He's square with me."

"C'mon, Mike," Jimmy said, gently tugging on Mike's arm.

Mike threw back the rest of the Scotch and set the glass on the bar. Without protest, he got unsteadily to his feet and Jimmy lifted his leather jacket from the back of the bar stool and held it out to him. Mike fumbled as he pulled the jacket on, but was able to do it without help. He gave a two-finger salute to Pete as he followed Jimmy towards the door and out onto the sidewalk. He swayed a bit as he walked, but Jimmy didn't try to steady him, leaving him as much dignity as possible. He did take the keys from him once they got to the apartment, and opened the door. Once inside, Mike took off his jacket and sank down onto the sofa.

"Pete didn't have to call you," he said, looking up at Jimmy and sounding a little more sober. "I'm not that drunk…I would have gotten home OK."

"I'm sure you're right. But he seems to be a friend and was looking out for you." Jimmy looked at him. "You do have friends, you know, Mike."

Mike sighed and rubbed his hand wearily across his eyes. "Yeah, I know." He looked up at Jimmy and asked softly, "How are they?"

Jimmy looked down uncomfortably and said, "Uh, Mike…."

"Yeah…I get it. You're her uncle…sorry, I shouldn't ask."

"Look, I don't know what happened between you and Sarah. But I'm really sorry it didn't work out. I thought you were good together."

"Yeah, I thought we were good together, too."

Jimmy remained silent as Mike struggled out of his jacket and pulled his tie off, dropping them on the sofa beside him. He stood up and walked over to a row of book shelves on the wall, still unsteady. He reached for a framed picture sitting on one of the shelves and leaned against the wall, looking down at it.

"What happened between us," he murmured, "is that I'm a cop."

"I don't understand," Jimmy said. "Sarah always knew you were a cop."

"Yeah, well…I guess it took a while to sink in that cops die sometimes. She decided not to stick around to see if that would happen to me."

"You mean…Sarah broke up with you because she thinks you could get killed?"

Mike didn't answer the question, but looked across the room at Jimmy and held up the picture in his hand. Jimmy couldn't see the details, but he could tell that it was a picture of Mike and Jia Li.

"I told her, you know? I told her I didn't want kids, I didn't want to be around kids. I never lied to her. I told her." He looked at the picture and was silent for a moment. "The only reason I agreed to meet Jia Li is because it was important to Sarah and Sarah was important to me. And then…." His voice softened. "Then, it was important to me too…_she_ was important to me…."

Jimmy didn't know what to say. Sarah was his niece and he loved her as though she were his own daughter. But standing there, watching Mike Logan fall apart, hearing the anguish in his voice as he stared down at a picture of the little girl he had never intended to meet, much less love…anger began to burn in him at what his niece had done to this man.

He jumped as Mike suddenly yelled, "Son of a bitch!" and hurled the picture against a wall, the glass shattering. Mike turned towards the wall he had been leaning against and put his hands on it to steady himself, head down. Jimmy stood in shocked silence for a moment, then moved across the room and put his hand on Mike's shoulder.

"C'mon son," he said softly. "You need to sleep this off."

Mike didn't protest, but allowed Jimmy to gently take his arm. He followed meekly, not looking at the glass and bent picture frame lying on the floor as he passed. In his room, he sank down onto the bed, toeing off his shoes but not bothering to remove his clothes.

"I never lied to her," he murmured, turning onto his side.

Jimmy looked down at him for a moment, then turned off the light and closed the door as he left the room. Back in the living room, he bent down to pick the picture up off the floor and looked at it for a moment. It was Mike and Jia Li, alright. Sarah must have taken it; Jia Li and Mike were both looking directly at the camera and laughing. Mike was holding the little girl and her arm was around his shoulders, her head tilted to rest against Mike's as she looked at her mother and laughed.

Jimmy sighed and turned it over to remove the picture from the destroyed frame. A crease had formed in the lower right corner where the frame bent when it hit the wall, but otherwise the picture was undamaged. He took it out of the frame and looked around for a moment, not sure of what to do with it. He spotted a desk in the corner and walked over and slipped the picture face down into one of the drawers. In the kitchen, he found a dust pan and broom and a trash bag. Jimmy swept up the broken glass and put it and the frame into the trash bag, dropping it into the garbage chute after locking the door when he left.

Back at home, Jimmy slipped wearily into bed, trying not to wake Angie. But she moved to snuggle against him, wrapping her arms around his waist.

"Everything alright?" Her voice was soft and fuzzy with sleep.

"No," he told her. "Everything is not alright. We need to have a talk with Sarah."

"Mmm…." she murmured. "I think she's been avoiding us since she and Mike broke up."

"Well," Jimmy said firmly as he pulled his wife against him and settled into the bed. "She's just gonna have to face us. Like it or not, I have some things to say to Ms. Sarah Johnson."

**Wednesday May 16—DAY 10**

Alex balanced the two coffee cups she was carrying, as she reached into her purse for her ringing cell phone. She was approaching the front of One PP, on her way to work, and had stopped to pick up coffee for both herself and Bobby.

"Eames," she said crisply, not bothering to look at the caller ID.

"Alex…it's Annie," came the voice of her partner's wife.

"Annie! Hi…how are you? How is your mother-in-law?"

"Oh…I'm fine. And Mom is…well, she's….weaker. But that's to be expected…."

She trailed off and Alex waited for her to go on, but the silence deepened.

"Annie…is there something I can do for you?"

She heard the other woman's sigh. "Alex….did…did Bobby tell you that he agreed to turn this case over to Logan and Wheeler?"

Alex stopped short and stood in the middle of the plaza, ten feet from the front door.

"No, he didn't. When did he tell you that?"

"We talked Saturday night…after you found the second scrapbook. He….Bobby asked…he said that he just wanted a few more days to see what CSU could come up with; to interview Brady one more time. He said that no matter what, on Wednesday he would turn the case over to you and the other detectives and take his family leave." She paused for a moment. "It's Wednesday."

"Yes, yes it is."

"He's not going to drop the case, is he?"

Alex took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment. "I don't know, Annie. I…didn't know that you two had discussed this. We just got the report from CSU before we left last night. We are going to interview Brady this morning. So…maybe, like he said, once he's talked to Brady he is planning to turn his notes over to Logan and Wheeler today."

"But he hasn't mentioned it to you…his partner?"

"No, he hasn't. Look, Annie, you know how Bobby is when he's on a case. He's just…focused and single-minded. And time is against us here…we need to identify as many of these women as we…"

"His mother is dying, Alex."

"I know," she said softly. "What do you want me to do?"

Annie didn't answer for a moment. "Nothing, I guess," she replied with a sigh. "I…I just wanted to know…."

"I'll talk to him after we finish with Brady today, OK? Whatever we find out…I'll let him know that he needs to let this one go and let me handle it with Logan and Wheeler. After all," she said with a chuckle, "I _am_ the senior partner…I'll _order_ him off the case if I have to."

She could tell Annie was smiling as she told her, "Thank you, Alex. You're a good friend."

Later that morning, at Graterford, Alex was in a foul mood as the guards brought Brady into the interview room. Very little forensic evidence had been uncovered, although the scrapbook had been scoured over for three days. If they were going to identify the rest of the women, it would have to come from Brady. And he was playing games with them. She knew that her partner enjoyed matching wits with intelligent psychopaths like Mark Ford Brady, but Alex was tired of this particular game. He was trying to parlay those scrapbooks into a stay of execution. But the District Attorney's office that had prosecuted Brady made it clear that was not going to happen. Unless the governor commuted his sentence, Mark Ford Brady would be executed in five days. Any women left unidentified at that time were likely to remain so.

The uselessness of the endeavor, along with Annie's phone call that morning, left Alex irritable and snappish…even with Bobby. While she knew it was part of the game Bobby played to make Brady trust him, his chumminess with the serial killer just irked her today. She reacted more strongly to Brady than she had to this point. Brady pretended to be friendly with Bobby…each trying to manipulate the other. With Alex, however, Brady just tried to bait her every chance he got. At their first meeting, he made the comment that beautiful women like to be photographed and added, "**Surely you must.**" Alex stared him down, refusing to take the bait. Today however, as he came into the room and cheerfully asked about the crocuses at his lake home; the crocuses he had been careful to emphasize to Bobby; the crocuses under which they found the scrapbook….Alex told him brusquely, "**We dug 'em up…every one of 'em.**"

Bobby leaned over Brady, going through the photos with him, discussing details in the backgrounds, speaking German with him. Alex swallowed her disgust as Brady smilingly reminisced about New York City in the sixties. She pushed Brady to identify the pictures and he told her with a smile, "**You're so impatient; eager…just like my crocuses.**" Alex decided she had had enough.

"**You know, you have somewhere **_**much**_** more important to be**," she said, standing up and gathering up the pictures. "**Let's go**." Bobby stopped and looked up at her in surprise. "**I'm serious**," she snapped and scooped the pictures into Bobby's leather notebook, closing it forcefully.

Suddenly Brady was ready to cooperate. He pulled one photo out of the stack, saying he thought he remembered her; the woman's face faded and unrecognizable.

"**She was married. I did some handy work around the house…when the husband wasn't there. Which was often,**" he said, his eyes on Bobby. "**Somewhat of a roué.**"

"**Where did she live**," Bobby asked.

"**Brooklyn**," he answered. "**Canarsie. The Rockaways**." The air in the room seemed to change, become charged with tension, as Bobby stared intently at Brady. Alex almost felt as though the two men were alone; as though she and the guards were looking on from another room. Brady continued with a smile meant only for Bobby. "**I took the Double L train**."

Bobby stared back at him, the silence in the room almost palpable. Something had changed, Alex knew. She knew Bobby grew up in that neighborhood; was the woman in the picture someone he knew? She heard, and knew that Brady also heard, the tremor in his voice as he asked his next question.

"**Her name?**"

"**She had big doe eyes,**" Brady answered "**I called her Bambi**."

Alex watched as Bobby looked back at the picture and then met Brady's gaze. Brady was looking at him triumphantly, as though he had just made a strategic chess move and announced "Check!" Suddenly she knew, despite whatever she might say to him, despite what he had promised his wife, he was not going to walk away from this case. Whoever the woman in the picture was, this had just become personal to him.

Outside the prison, as they walked to their SUV, Alex asked, "Who is she, Bobby? Someone from your neighborhood?"

Bobby didn't answer until they reached the SUV. As they stood on either side of the vehicle and reached for their respective doors, Bobby looked at Alex over the hood.

"I think it's my mother."

**End Chapter 18**

13


	19. Chapter 19

**DECONSTRUCTION **

_This chapter takes place during Endgame. My intention was to have one chapter for Endgame and one chapter for Renewal. But of course, I just talk too much. This was getting too long and so I am just going with the flow and see how many I end up with, both for Endgame and Renewal. _

_For this chapter, I am lifting dialogue directly from the episode with my deepest appreciation and acknowledgement to the wonderful writers, Warren Leight, Julie Martin, and Kate Rorick. When I have done that in the past, I have put them in italics. But since I am using italics to signify someone's thoughts, especially Bobby's thoughts at the beginning, I need to find another way to differentiate words taken directly from the episode. I certainly don't want to take undue credit for the amazing job the writers have done. So anything that comes from the episode itself will be in bold, whether in italics (as in the beginning with Bobby's 'narration') or not. _

_Thank you, as always, to Judyg for beta'ing, and for encouraging me…and for allowing me obsess endlessly over the characters of this story. Thank you again to everyone who is reading this. These characters, both the ones created by Dick Wolf and Rene Balcer, as well as the ones created by me, are so real and vivid in my head, I'm truly grateful that I get to share them with you._

**CHAPTER 19**

"_**She had big doe eyes. I called her Bambi**__."_

_I stare at my mother, remembering Mark Ford Brady's words about the mystery woman in the picture he pulled out of a stack of old photographs…some with the faces still visible. Why had he zeroed in on this picture? _

_I know why. Brady knows exactly who that woman is and now so do I. Now that my mother has just admitted to me that she dated a man named "Mark" before she married my father. The same "Mark" who is sitting on Death Row in Pennsylvania. Does she know that it's the same man? How could she not? She recognized his picture; she must have known who he was when his arrest and trial had his picture plastered in every newspaper and on every TV news station._

_Why doesn't she mention it now? She claims she never saw him again, after she married Dad. Yet Brady said that he continued seeing this woman after her marriage. What is the truth?_

_The Truth. The truth is that I came to Carmel Ridge to visit my mother this evening for one reason…to find out if she knew him. I asked her for a picture in which she is wearing clothing similar to the picture that Brady took. Annie gladly left for a walk, happy in believing I wanted to spend time with my mother. What does that make me? What kind of person questions his dying mother as though she were nothing more than any other witness, collects evidence from her? Well, I have my "truth" now…but what to make of it, what to do with it…that I don't know. _

**Thursday May 17—DAY 11**

Sarah poured herself a glass of wine and took it to the living room, sinking down onto the sofa. She had dropped Jia Li off at her in-laws for a sleepover earlier that evening. They would take her to school the next day and Sarah would pick her up on her way home from work. She rubbed her forehead as she thought about the discussion she and Jia Li had on the ride over.

"I miss going to church with Miss Annie, Mommy," Jia Li had told her, turning sad eyes to look at her. _Her eyes are sad too often these days_, Sarah thought.

"I know you do, Sweetie," Sarah answered. "But Miss Annie is taking care of Detective Bobby's mommy and I don't know when she will be able to take you again."

"Can't _you_ take me?"

"Me? Oh, I don't know…."

"Please Mommy?"

Sarah glanced at her daughter's earnest face and sighed.

"OK, Sweetie. I'll take you to church this weekend, OK?"

"OK!" Sarah's heart turned over at the excited smile that lit Jia Li's face. "And I'll show you where the grown-up class is and where my class is and the picture I drew and I'll show you where we sit when we go to big church and when to stand up and when to get on our knees to talk to Jesus!"

Sarah was pulled from her reverie by the doorbell. Wondering who would be dropping by unannounced, she set her wine glass on the coffee table and went to the door. She peeked through the peep-hole and saw Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Angie on her door step. Sighing, she pulled the door open. She hugged them as she invited them in and noticed that Uncle Jimmy was quiet, his expression sober.

"I was just having a glass of wine," she said, gesturing to her glass. "Can I get you something? Wine? Beer?"

"A glass of wine would be lovely," Aunt Angie told her.

"Thanks, but nothing for me."

Sarah cringed inwardly at Uncle Jimmy's brusque tone. She suspected he was angry about her break up with Mike and was here to talk about it. She went to the kitchen to pour another glass of wine, then took it out to her aunt. The two of them settled onto the sofa, but Uncle Jimmy paced around the living room, making Sarah nervous.

"Uncle Jimmy," she said finally. "Don't you want to sit down?"

He turned to face her, the frown on his face confirming that this was not just a social call. He didn't answer her question, instead coming right to the point.

"I saw Mike the other night."

"Oh," Sarah said, not sure what to say. "H…how is he?"

"He was so drunk that the bartender called me to take him home."

"Oh…." She couldn't think of anything else to say.

"And he was drunk enough that he didn't try to protect you…he told me why you broke up with him. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Uncle Jimmy…."

"No! Logan never lied to you…you knew from the first time you met him that he was a cop."

"Yes…I knew."

"But all of a sudden, after all this time, his being a cop is a problem for you?"

"Yes…no…I….Uncle Jimmy, it's complicated."

"Complicated? So complicated that you lead him on for all this time and then you dump him?"

Sarah set her glass on the coffee table and took a shaky breath.

"I never intended to hurt him," she said softly.

"But you did hurt him. And what about your daughter?" Sarah looked up at him as he continued. "Mike said he told you that he didn't want to have anything to do with kids, but you insisted on pushing him and Jia Li together. You let them spend nearly a year getting attached and then just tear them apart. Do you know what that has done to him? And what it's done to Jia Li?"

"Yes, I know how much Jia Li misses him," Sarah said sharply. "I know it's hard on them…it's hard on me, too. But I have to do what I think is best."

"Best for who?"

"Best for Jia Li…and for me."

"You think Mike Logan would do anything to hurt that little girl?"

"No, of course not," Sarah said. "But…Uncle Jimmy…I knew he was a cop. I just didn't think…I didn't realize…how dangerous that is. That he could…die."

"I was a cop for twenty-five years, Sarah. I know all about the dangers. I also know your Aunt Angie never ran out on me because of it."

"I know," Sarah said softly. "I….I'm just not as….brave…as Aunt Angie."

Angie hadn't said anything during their exchange, but now she reached out and squeezed Sarah's hand.

"I think you are braver than you know," Angie told her gently.

"I don't know how you did it all those years, Aunt Angie. I…I couldn't watch him walk out the door every morning, not knowing if he would come home that night."

"She did it because that's what you do when you're in love," Jimmy said sharply. "You make a commitment and then you see it through. You don't cut and run when it gets tough; you don't rip someone's heart out because you get scared. And you don't tear a little girl away from the man she is beginning to look at like her father because of some remote possibility that someday he might not come home."

"If it's hard on her now, how much harder will it be a year from now, five years from now? You can say it isn't likely to happen, but you can't say it won't happen. You know cops who have been killed, Mike knows cops who have been killed. It's a dangerous life and you can't deny that. Alex Eames was kidnapped. Annie Paine has a serial killer calling her and dropping in at her home."

Jimmy gave a disgusted snort. "Nicole Wallace just likes toying with Annie and with Bobby. If Nicole really wanted her dead, Annie would be dead already."

Sarah's face paled and her mouth dropped open as Angie exclaimed, "Jimmy!"

"You don't know what it's like to lose the love of your life, Uncle Jimmy," Sarah told him. "You still have yours. I lived with mine for fifteen years and watching him die was harder than you will ever know. I can't do that again….I won't!"

"That's enough, Jimmy," Angie said firmly as she put an arm around Sarah's shoulders. "I know you like Mike Logan. Everyone likes Mike. But Sarah is your niece. She's made her decision and you are going to support her."

"Sarah," Angie continued. "I understand what you are talking about. I really do. I don't know what it's like to lose a husband, but I do know what it's like to be a cop's wife. I know exactly what you mean when you talk about watching him walk out the door and not knowing if he will come home that night. I know what it's like to hear on the news that a police officer has been killed and to feel like my heart stops beating until I get that phone call from Jimmy saying he is alright. I know what it's like to attend an officer's funeral and take food to his widow, knowing it could have been my husband…and feeling guilty at my relief that it was someone else's husband. I know what it's like to watch Jimmy with our girls and wonder how I could possibly ever manage if something happened to him." Angie put her finger under Sarah's chin and tilted her face towards her. "Honey, it's not courage that has gotten me through these last twenty-five years…it was love."

Tears streamed down Sarah's cheeks as Jimmy moved the wine glasses out of the way and sat down on the coffee table. He gently took her hands in his.

"Listen, Kiddo, you know that I love you, right?" Sarah nodded wordlessly. "All I want for you and for Jia Li is for you two to be happy. And Angie is right…if this is your decision, we will support you. But I'm going to tell you this…and I won't ever tell you again. You are making a mistake; probably the biggest mistake you will ever make. Mike Logan loves you and he loves that little girl. You aren't likely to find another man as good as he is and as devoted to you and your daughter as he is. I know how much it hurt you when Tony died, but you had fifteen great years with a great guy. I don't think you know just how unlikely it is to find not just one, but two great men to love. And you're throwing this one away without even giving him a chance. Yeah, you're right…Mike is a cop and he could get shot tomorrow. But whether you get fifty years with him, or fifty days, I think you should just get on your knees and thank God."

They were right. Sarah knew they were right. But it was too late. Mike had told her that if she broke it off, there would be no more chances, no making up. She looked at her uncle through the shimmer of tears and she almost said the words, almost told him that she knew he was right but it was too late. But she didn't. She knew Uncle Jimmy…he would go to Mike, try to act as a go-between to bring them back together. She couldn't do that to Mike. She had already hurt him; she couldn't humiliate him as well by putting him in the position of having to fend off her family's good intentions.

"I'm sorry, Uncle Jimmy," she whispered.

He nodded and leaned forward to kiss her forehead.

"Yeah," he said. "Me too, Kiddo. Me too."

**Friday May 18-DAY 12**

"Annie?" Frances' weak voice quavered as she called to her daughter-in-law.

Annie turned from where she was putting bath supplies away. She had just finished helping the nurse bathe Frances and change her linens. She was too weak to get up for a shower and even the bed bath was an exhausting ordeal for her. Annie was surprised that she was awake. She walked to the bed and leaned over her, gently brushing her hair away from her face.

"What is it, Mom?"

"Bobby," she said softly. "He…didn't come yesterday."

Annie sighed. Bobby had come to see his mother Wednesday evening, asking Annie to let him have some time alone with her. He was with her for a long time and when he was leaving, Annie saw his face and knew before he told her that he had not given the case away. He would see it through to the end. She didn't argue, didn't plead, she didn't react at all. She simply accepted the information, nodding her head in resignation.

Bobby told her goodnight, kissed her chastely on the lips, and turned to go. Halfway across the waiting room he spun around and charged back across the room, startling her with the suddenness of his movements. Reaching her, he roughly pulled her against him, one hand tangled in her hair while the other wrapped around her waist. He didn't speak, but buried his face in the hollow where her throat met her shoulder. Annie stiffened with discomfort; the pull of her scalp where his fingers wrapped around her short hair and the squeezing tightness of her ribs and chest that made it difficult to catch her breath. But she felt his body tremble against her, felt his ragged breath on her skin. She knew he was battling his own demons; his desire to be with his mother and his need, for whatever reason, to see this case through. She relaxed her body and leaned into him. She reached around him as best she could, considering the strength of his grip on her, and ran her hands up and down his back in a soothing gesture. She rested her head against the side of his face, feeling his prickly stubble scraping against her ear. They stood locked in that embrace for long minutes, neither of them speaking, Bobby clinging to her like a drowning man clinging to a life preserver.

She felt him take in a deep, shuddering breath and his grip eased. Lifting his head, he stared down into her eyes and his hand released her hair and moved to gently frame her face. The turmoil and pain in his dark brown eyes took her breath away and made Annie long for some way to stop the inexorable death march taking place just down the hall. He covered her mouth with his and kissed her long and deep and now she was clinging to him. The kiss ended and he rested his forehead against hers for a moment before releasing her and stepping away. Annie watched him turn and walk away without speaking.

Annie shook herself from her reverie and returned to the present, and her mother-in-law's statement.

"You should rest, Mom," she told her, evading the issue.

"Bobby didn't come to see me yesterday," Frances repeated, sounding a bit stronger.

"No," Annie said, sinking into the chair next to the bed. "No, he didn't. He said he would come tonight after work. It's this…this case."

"Is it the case?" Frances reached over and pushed the button to raise the head of her bed until she was semi-reclining. "Or is it his partner?"

"Oh Mom," Annie said with a sigh. "Bobby is not having an affair. Not with Alex, not with anyone."

"Bill used to come home smelling of them…those other women," Frances said. Annie opened her mouth to protest, but Frances went on, staring up at the ceiling as though she was watching movie up there. "But he knew…I made sure he knew…two can play that game." Annie shifted uncomfortably in the chair, knowing there was something coming that she did not want to hear. "I left him once. Did you know that?"

"No," Annie said softly. "I didn't."

"I'd had enough of the gambling and the drinking and the women. I wrote a letter to the other man…he was in Germany. I told him I was leaving Bill and I wanted to be with him…in Germany. I packed some things and put Bobby and Frank in the car. I drove to Michigan, to my Aunt Connie's. I didn't tell her why I was there; she just thought it was a visit. I felt so…free. Those few days, waiting for an answer, knowing it didn't matter anymore what Bill did…it was wonderful. That picture I gave you of us in the snow…Uncle Henry took it after the boys and I made snow angels one day. I felt like I was waiting to start some exciting adventure."

Frances paused, lost in thought for a moment.

"What happened?" Annie asked softly.

Frances sighed deeply. "The letter from _him_ finally came. He told me not to come to Germany. He said….he said I should go back to my husband, that he wasn't interested in being a fath….a step-father. Aunt Connie saw the letter and she was furious! She said I was no better than Bill, cheating on him like he cheated on me. I tried to tell her that it was different, that this man…." Frances paused for a moment. "Well, she told me I couldn't stay there any longer. Said my boys needed to be with their father and I needed to go home and make my marriage work. So we left; we came back to New York. I was so angry at Aunt Connie…I never spoke to her again. Never. Bill didn't say a word when he came home and found us there; it was like we had just gone to visit relatives and now we were home. We never talked about what happened." She looked at Annie. "And he never changed."

"Mom…." Annie hesitated, not sure of what to say after that revelation. "Bobby…he's not his father. He doesn't….he doesn't cheat. I trust him completely. And Alex Eames is a good friend of mine. I'm telling you that they are partners and nothing more."

"But Frank told me…"

"Frank," Annie interrupted. "Frank has…."

"What does Frank have?"

Annie turned towards the door where her brother-in-law had just entered. Annoyed with him and disturbed by the story Frances had just told her, Annie suddenly just wanted out of that room.

"Frank has a wild imagination," she said, standing up. "I'm going to take a walk," she told him, and made her escape before he could say anything.

For the past week, Annie had spent less time wandering the facility and its grounds while Frank was visiting, and more time in his company. She felt he seemed to be making an effort to stop antagonizing her. However, today she was too irritated about the way he had planted the idea in his mother's head that Bobby was having an affair with his partner. She left him alone with Frances and took her book to the waiting room. At lunch time she went back because Frances had needed help eating since the night before, too weak to lift the spoon from the plate to her mouth.

Annie pointedly ignored Frank as she moved around the room, getting a washcloth and positioning the bedside table and chair. Frank sat on the love seat and grinned at her, letting her know he was aware of her ire. Annie raised the head of the bed so that Frances was sitting up. But when she tried to feed her, Frances just shook her head and pushed it away. She had eaten little the night before or for breakfast, but now she refused anything at all. Shaking her head as Annie tried to cajole her into taking a few bites.

"No," she said. "I don't want it."

Frank got up and came around to kiss her forehead. "How about if I go get you something from the diner, Ma?"

She shook her head no. "I'm just not hungry."

Annie sighed and her eyes met Frank's for a moment….and in that moment there was no rancor, no ridicule, in his gaze. Annie took the tray away and lowered the head of the bed so that Frances could rest. The afternoon passed quietly; Frances slept most of the time. Annie and Frank had an unspoken truce and both sat in the room reading.

Late in the afternoon there was a soft knock and Annie looked up to see Stan Myers standing in the doorway. The incongruity of seeing him here, at Carmel Ridge, left Annie unable to respond for a moment. She got up and walked toward him as he came into the room, carrying a small vase of flowers and a card.

"Stan," she said when she could finally speak. "What are you doing here?"

He held the flowers and the card out to her.

"The ER staff went in on a little something to let you know that we are thinking of you," he told her with a smile. "I volunteered to bring them to you."

Annie was annoyed. After the talk they had following Valentine's Day, Stan had been respectful and kept his distance. But this felt as though he had taken advantage of her coworkers' desire to be thoughtful just to have an excuse to see her. But she certainly wasn't going to argue with him in front of Frank. Taking a deep breath and keeping her expression neutral, she took the flowers and card.

"Thank you," she said evenly. Turning slightly to include Frank she made introductions and the two men shook hands. "I would invite you to stay a bit," she said, trying to sound apologetic. "But my mother-in-law isn't having a very good day." She nodded to the bed where Frances was asleep. "And they will be bringing her dinner soon."

"Oh, of course," Stan told her. "I don't mean to intrude; I just wanted to bring the flowers to you. I'll be going now."

He reached out his hand and Annie reluctantly slipped the card into the same hand holding the flowers and put her hand in his. Stan covered her hand with both of his for just a moment.

"Take care, Annie," he said. "Everyone sends their best."

"Thank you."

Stan nodded to Frank, who was grinning, and turned to walk out the door. Annie pointedly ignored Frank's smirk as she moved to set the vase on a counter. She opened the card and, still ignoring Frank, read the comments her coworkers had written.

"So," Frank said, "good friend of yours?"

"He's a doctor, Frank. You'll find lots of them where I work."

"But I bet not all of them are so…interested…in you. Bobby know about him?"

"There's nothing to know," she said with exasperation, turning to face him. She leaned back against the counter and folded her arms over her chest.

"Except that he has the hots for you."

"That's ridiculous," she told him. But she could feel the blush creeping over her face and Frank's grin told her that he had seen it, too.

"Well, no wonder you're so unconcerned about Bobby and his hot partner."

"Oh good grief! And I thought we were getting along so well. But here we are again with you playing your favorite tune." She glared at him. "There is nothing going on between Dr. Myers and me, and there is nothing going on between Bobby and Alex!"

"You weren't a little suspicious when your husband named your daughter after his girlfriend?"

Annie stared at him with disbelief.

"The drugs really have fried your brain, Frank," she said finally. "Alexandra was my mother's name. Bobby didn't even meet Alex until Ally was six years old."

"At least that's what he told you. And yet," he told her with a grin, "here you are; all alone with his dying mother and his…um…devoted brother. Meanwhile, where is my little brother? Oh right…he's off with his partner…_working_."

Annie was so angry now that she couldn't even put together a coherent sentence. Finally, through a clenched jaw she said, "Have I ever told you that you're a jerk?"

"Yeah….on your wedding day."

Annie was saved from making another comment by the sound of carts being pushed down the hallway. Dinner trays were being passed out and Annie went to Frances and gently shook her.

"Mom," she said softly. "Wake up, Mom. Dinner is here."

Frances woke up slowly and Annie helped to position her so that she could eat. But Frances closed her lips firmly when Annie tried to give her a bite. She shook her head and turned away.

"I don't want it."

"But Mom, you've barely eaten anything all day," Annie coaxed. "You need to eat…at least a little."

But for ten minutes, Frances continued to steadfastly refuse to take even one bite. Finally Annie gave up and took the tray out to the hallway where the nurses had left the cart. Walking back into the room, she stopped short, staring at Frances. Frank was sitting on the side of the bed with his back to her, holding one of his mother's hands in both of his. Frances' eyes were closed and her head turned to the side. Her breathing was shallow, her chest barely rising and falling. Annie noticed, too, that her skin was gray, her cheeks sunken. Her eyes seemed sunken as well, and she had such dark circles under them it almost looked as though she had two black eyes.

"The Look" they called it at the hospital; the appearance of a terminally ill patient who was close, very close, to death. Why hadn't she noticed it before? She had been with her every day for nearly two weeks; when had this change come over her and why hadn't Annie seen it before? Her failing appetite that had become, just today, a refusal to eat at anything all. The way she slept more and more throughout the day, tired from the mildest exertion. Her mother-in-law was dying…soon.

Annie's chest constricted and for a moment she couldn't breathe. It was too much. The exhaustion of the last two weeks, the last few months. The stress of being away from her children, being away from Bobby. Sleeping here night after night, in that uncomfortable bed; waking up several times every night when Frances needed something. Seeing Frank day after day, and the things he had said to her today. Worrying about Bobby, knowing that he was trying to avoid dealing with this reality in their lives, but not having time or opportunity to really talk to him. And now…this realization that this thing that had been the center of their lives…this death…it was coming, it was here.

Annie tried to fight down the sob she felt building in her chest and her throat, but she knew, she knew….she wasn't going to be able to stop it. Turning quickly on her heel, she walked out of the room, down the hallway. She stopped at the waiting room, but there were family members sitting in there, visiting with a resident. She moved blindly down the hall, needing someplace private, someplace this grief could burst from her without anyone seeing her.

She saw, through the blur of tears threatening to spill over, the door to the stairwell and she reached for the knob, shoving the door open with such force that it swung back and hit the wall with a loud thud. Inside the stairwell, she leaned against the wall and covered her face with both hands as the first sob broke from her. The sobs would not be stopped now and Annie shook the force of them. She finally gave vent to her grief, as well as to the stress of the last few weeks.

She wanted Bobby. She wanted him next to her, wrapping his arms around her and holding her against his chest. She wanted him to rest his cheek against her hair and whisper words of comfort. She wanted him to share his grief and fear with her, as well. She wanted to hold and comfort him. But Bobby wasn't there. Even though he had moved home, it was as though they were still separated; each dealing with the grief alone. Annie, alone in a cold, impersonal stairwell and Bobby, racing to uncover the identities of women long dead before their murderer went to his death.

The door opened but she ignored whoever it was, unable and unwilling to staunch the flow tears now that they had started.

"Annie?"

Of course it was Frank. No one would be happier to see her meltdown than her brother-in-law. She heard the door close quietly and the soft rustle of his clothing, then he was standing next to her. She felt his arm brushing her back and then it was around her shoulders. Annie tried to push him away but he wrapped both arms around her and pulled her against his chest, effectively trapping her hands against her face. But his awkward embrace was gentle and she heard him whispering, "It's OK, Annie. It's OK." She stopped struggling and leaned into Frank as her body shook with the force of her pent-up grief. It no longer mattered what Frank had said to her…that day or for the last fifteen years. She needed someone to hold her tightly because she felt as though the tidal wave of sorrow might just swallow her and sweep her away. Frank said nothing as she cried and shook, he simply held her.

When the sobs finally tapered off to soft crying, then to deep shuddering breaths, and finally to stillness, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief and silently handed it to Annie, loosening his grip so that she could take her hands away from her face. He kept one arm around her shoulders as she wiped her face. Embarrassed, unsure of what to say, and surprised to find herself strangely comforted by Frank's presence, Annie simply rested her head on his shoulder and they continued to stand in silence.

"So," Frank said finally. "Heard any good jokes lately?"

Annie choked on her laughter and held the damp handkerchief to her face again. She stepped back and Frank pulled his arm away as she looked up at him, trying to stifle her giggles. He smiled as his hand reached to brush her damp hair away from her face.

"Annie…" His voice was soft. "I'm sorry for the things I said earlier."

"Thank you," she said, taking another shaky breath. "I'm sorry I called you a jerk."

"I _am_ a jerk," he replied with that grin that was as charming as it was infuriating. "I'm going back to Mom's room…stay here as long as you need to, OK?" His lips brushed her temple as he stepped past her and opened the door.

"Thank you," Annie told him softly and he stopped in the open doorway and turned towards her.

"I know I've never told you this before…but I really do appreciate all that you do for Mom, now and since you became part of this family." Then he was gone, leaving Annie speechless.

She stayed in the stairwell for a few minutes, composing herself. When she returned to Frances' room, neither she nor Frank mentioned what had happened. Frank stayed for a time, sitting next to his mother's bed, holding her hand as she slept. They still said nothing about Annie's breakdown when he told her goodnight.

Neither did she mention it when Bobby arrived an hour later and took up Frank's place next to Frances' bed. Bobby and Annie talked a little, in hushed voices, and Frances did not wake up. Once when Annie brushed by him to close the blinds against the night, Bobby's arm reached around her waist and he pulled her onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around her and rested his head against her chest. She kissed the top of his head, relishing the feel of his curls against her lips and her cheek, and put her arms around his neck.

They spoke little, and only in soft whispers. Bobby stayed late, holding his wife to him as his mother slept. When he finally left, reluctantly, he crushed Annie to him and kissed her deeply.

**End chapter 19**

15


	20. Chapter 20

**DECONSTRUCTION **

_This chapter takes place during Endgame. My intention was to have one chapter for Endgame and one chapter for Renewal. But of course, I just talk too much. This was getting too long and so I am just going with the flow and see how many I end up with, both for Endgame and Renewal. _

_For this chapter, I am lifting dialogue directly from the episode with my deepest appreciation and acknowledgement to the wonderful writers, Warren Leight, Julie Martin, and Kate Rorick. When I have done that in the past, I have put them in italics. But since I am using italics to signify someone's thoughts, especially Bobby's thoughts at the beginning, I need to find another way to differentiate words taken directly from the episode. I certainly don't want to take undue credit for the amazing job the writers have done. So anything that comes from the episode itself will be in bold, whether in italics (as in the beginning with Bobby's 'narration') or not. _

_Thank you, as always, to Judyg for beta'ing, and for encouraging me…and for allowing me obsess endlessly over the characters of this story. Thank you again to everyone who is reading this. These characters, both the ones created by Dick Wolf and Rene Balcer, as well as the ones created by me, are so real and vivid in my head, I'm truly grateful that I get to share them with you._

**CHAPTER 20**

_I should have gone to my captain right away, as soon as I understood what Brady was hinting at, certainly as soon as my mother confirmed that she knew him. It's been two days since Brady dropped the hints that the woman in the picture is my mother. Two days since I spoke with Mom about the man she dated before marrying my father. Two days that I have been trying to make sense of this, trying to reconcile my mother's story with Brady's. _

_Eames hasn't said anything to the captain, nor has she asked me about it. She is waiting for me to make a move. We have spent the last two days working on trying to identify the other women in the pictures, with little success. I feel her eyes on me, feel her silent questions. I also feel her trust. She knows as well as I do…better, even….that I should have gone to Ross as soon as I had a suspicion that my mother might be connected to this case. She is the senior partner and it will reflect badly on her if Ross finds out we have been withholding information like this. But Eames is willing to wait for me to decide what to do next. _

_If Deakins were still my captain, I might have gone to him immediately. In fact, I briefly considered talking to him anyway, asking his advice. But he would have told me to go to Captain Ross, unwilling to step on his successor's toes. _

_But I needed time…time to consider my next move. I think I know what it should be now. I can't confront my mother; I can't accuse her of lying based on the word of a serial killer. I need to talk to someone else who was around back then; someone who might remember if Mom had contact with Brady after her marriage. I need to talk to my brother. _

_Brady has had the upper hand from the beginning. I know that he is waiting for me to come to him, to ask him for more information about his relationship with my mother. He isn't finished with me yet. Hinting that he knew my mother was not his final move; he is waiting…waiting to reveal something more. And I am afraid that I know what it is. _

**Saturday May 19—DAY 13**

It was a Saturday morning, but they had all come in to work because they were running out of time to identify the women in Brady's pictures. Brady was to be executed in two days. Since Wednesday, Alex had been waiting for Bobby to say something, do something about his suspicions that the woman in one of the pictures was his mother. But he had said nothing, working instead on trying to identify the other women. Until this morning. He finally told Captain Ross that Brady had hinted that he knew Bobby's mother. He had a picture of his mother wearing a dress that looked very much like the one in the picture from the scrapbook.

"**He's toying with you," **Ross told him. **"Now, you're personally invested. He's got you exactly where he can control you."**

"**He's not in control of me,"** Bobby protested. **"I can handle him."**

"**No, Detective…you don't need this in your life right now."**

"**You don't know what I need." **Bobby's voice was soft, but it dripped with fury. **"OK? And don't tell me who I am. You don't know who I am. And don't tell me how I think." **

Alex hated being in the middle, between her partner and her captain. She thought that in recent months the men had formed a grudging respect for one another. But standing there as Bobby lashed out at Ross, sounding like a rebellious teenager, she waited for the captain's reaction. In the silence that stretched out as Alex waited for Ross to respond, she knew that Bobby was pushing too far. The captain's compassion for his situation with his mother would not extend to overlooking yet another act of insubordination.

"**I'll just tell you this**", Ross finally said, **"you're off this case."**

Bobby didn't react, didn't argue, didn't even get up from his chair as Ross stormed out of the room. Alex did, though. She chased the captain through the squad room to his office, asking him to reconsider, to keep Bobby on the case, promised to let him know if there was the slightest problem. She pushed aside thoughts of Annie's phone call and her concerns that Bobby should be spending time with his dying mother. Bobby was her partner; even Annie had always insisted that relationship took precedence over their own friendship. He needed to be with his mother, but he was too close to solving this piece of the puzzle that Brady had given him. He needed to see it through…no matter where it led. Her loyalty had to be with her partner.

"You're back on the case," she told him when she returned to the interview room where he still sat in front of the cork bulletin board with the pinned pictures from Brady's scrapbook. "Don't make me regret this, Bobby."

He nodded and stood up, shuffling papers into his notebook.

"Thank you, Eames."

"Where are you going now?"

"To talk to my brother."

Bobby pushed the sugar over to Frank as he told Bobby that Mom had suddenly stopped eating, as he also pushed aside the guilt that ate at him for leaving Annie alone to deal with his mother. He pulled out the picture of Mark Ford Brady in Army uniform, afraid to ask if Frank recognized him but unable to keep from it. The answer was more than he expected. Frank did recognize "Uncle Mark" and told him that he came around a lot when they were children…whenever their father was not home. The last time he remembered seeing "Uncle Mark" was when Bobby was four years old and Frank was seven. Their father was gone for the weekend and their mother went upstate with "Uncle Mark"…leaving the two boys alone for the weekend. On the way back, she had been involved in a car accident and had to stay with their grandmother while she recovered. Bobby had no memories of "Uncle Mark" or of that weekend. He thought Grandma was sick and that was why their mother went to stay with her.

"**Yeah, when Mom came back she was all black and blue," **Frank told him. **"She stayed at Grandma's for I don't know how long."**

Bobby remembered one of Brady's surviving victims saying that by the time he left her, she couldn't get up off the floor. It was clear that his mother had a relationship with Mark Ford Brady that had not ended when she married, as she told Bobby. It had continued after her marriage, after she had children. It had ended the same way many of his relationships ended…with his mother being beaten and, most likely, raped. It was also clear that this was where Brady had been leading him from the moment he told Wally Stevens to give him a message.

"I have to get back," Bobby told his brother.

"Look, Bobby…" Frank hesitated a moment. "I…uh…I apologized to Annie for giving her a hard time yesterday. And I want to apologize to you, too. I'm sorry I upset her…I'm sorry that I added to the stress and made her cry."

"What are you talking about?" Bobby frowned in confusion. "Annie was crying? When?"

"She didn't tell you?" Bobby shook his head no, and Frank explained. "Last night, after she couldn't get Mom to eat anything. She just suddenly ran from the room and I found her in the stairwell crying."

Bobby closed his eyes and covered his mouth with his hand for a moment.

"I know I was the last person she wanted to see," Frank continued. "But I gave her a shoulder to cry on and I told her I was sorry…for everything."

During one of his visits, while Annie was out "taking a walk" (in reality, giving him time alone with his mother), Mom confided in him that when she told Annie she wanted to stop the treatments Annie had cried and begged her not to. Now she was crying on his brother's shoulder…the man who had antagonized her for the last fifteen years. It occurred to him once again that he had not seen Annie cry since the morning he confronted her about being drunk. With his mother, even with his brother, she let herself be real…but with him she kept herself in check.

"Frank…I…uh…need to stop and see Annie before I leave."

"Sure Bobby," Frank said. "I'm just going to stay here and finish my coffee. I'll talk to you later?"

"Yeah…later."

Annie was sitting on the love seat, crocheting, when Bobby walked into the room. It took her a moment to realize he was there because she had ear buds in her ears, listening to an MP3 player. Her smile when she saw him made his heart twist. Mom was sleeping soundly. He went to her bedside and stood watching her for several long moments, and then leaned down to kiss her forehead before turning to Annie. She had pulled the ear buds out and set the yarn and MP3 player aside. Bobby stepped over to the love seat and held out his hand silently. She put her hand in his and he pulled her up and led her out of the room, his fingers intertwined with hers. He didn't speak until they were in the waiting room. Still holding her hand, he turned to face her.

"Frank said that Mom stopped eating."

"Yes," Annie nodded.

"He also said that you were crying last night." It was a statement, not a question.

Annie sighed and looked up at him. "It was nothing…I just…I felt overwhelmed for a moment." She squeezed his hand. "But I'm fine now."

He brushed his thumb across her cheek. "Why didn't you tell me while I was here?"

She lowered her gaze. "It wasn't a big deal."

"Then why not tell me?"

She looked back up at him and put her free hand on his chest. He saw his own pain reflected in her blue eyes.

"Bobby," she said softly. "My mother-in-law is dying. I'm sad. Sometimes I cry."

He pulled her into his embrace and felt her melt against him.

"Are you staying," she asked. "Is the case done?" When he didn't answer right away, she straightened and looked up at him. "Bobby…."

"I just have one more interview to do," he told her. "This will be the last day."

"She's close, Bobby. She doesn't have much time." She reached up and held his face between her hands. "Don't miss this, Babe."

Bobby covered her hands with his and closed his eyes for a moment.

"Annie…I can't explain this now, but…I have to finish this." He turned his head slightly to kiss her palm. "I'm telling you that this is the last day. I will be back here tonight. And I'll be here tomorrow, and the day after…however many days we have left, I'll be here."

"OK, Bobby."

He kissed her and left her standing in the waiting room, watching him leave.

"**C'mon…I'm your partner,"** Alex stood between Bobby and the elevator.

After his talk with his brother, Bobby was insistent on going to see Brady. Alone. Alex knew this was a bad idea. She knew she should pull rank on him as the senior partner and go with him. But her partner locked eyes with her.

"**Then you're gonna have to trust me, Eames."**

They stared at one another for a moment as the elevator opened behind Alex and people moved past them. Finally she gave a slight nod and stepped aside, turning to watch him as he got on the elevator, watching until the doors closed between them.

Frank returned soon after Bobby left. Frances was still sleeping and Frank and Annie talked quietly or read. Frances woke up and sat up for a while. Frank sat next to her bed and talked with her, eliciting a small laugh now and then.

"Hey, Ma," Frank said. "Bobby and I had coffee earlier and he showed me a picture of Uncle Mark."

Annie saw Frances' expression change but Frank didn't seem to notice.

"Uncle Mark," Frances asked softly.

"Yeah…You know, Bobby doesn't remember him at all. I told him about that weekend…when you were in the car accident. He remembered it all wrong…thought you went to stay with Grandma because she was sick."

Frances looked at Annie and something Annie couldn't define passed between them…a look, a thought….

"I think I want to lie down now," Frances said weakly.

Annie moved to the bed and lowered the head, helped her mother-in-law find a comfortable position. Frances sighed and closed her eyes.

_What was that look about,_ Annie thought. Frances didn't seem happy with the recollection about this Uncle Mark. Could he be the man Frances had told her about…the man she wanted to leave her husband for? But why would Bobby have a picture of someone he didn't even remember? _Uncle Mark….Mark Ford Brady? Is it possible,_ Annie wondered.

"Frank," she said. "I need run some errands. Will you be here for a few hours?"

"Sure, Annie," he told her. "I can stay all afternoon, if you need. Go ahead and do what you need to do."

"Thank you, Frank."

Annie got her purse and left the facility. She located her SUV and got behind the wheel. She started the engine and sat for a moment, letting it warm up…what she was really doing was gathering her thoughts. Finally, she took a deep breath and pulled out of the parking garage, heading for the city….heading for One Police Plaza.

Annie tried not to let her nerves show on her face as she approached the desk in the lobby, but she couldn't control the flutters in her stomach. The last time she had been to One Police Plaza she had left in humiliation. She was grateful to see different officers on duty today, though she wasn't sure if anyone would even remember that incident from months earlier. She signed in at the desk, presented her identification and her reason for being there, and was given a visitors badge. As she stepped off the elevator and turned to walk to Bobby's desk, she saw that his desk was empty. But Alex was sitting at her desk and looked up in surprise as Annie approached.

"I thought Bobby had one more interview to do," Annie said. "Why aren't you with him?"

Alex didn't answer the question but asked her own. "Annie, what are you doing here?"

"I want to know about Mark Ford Brady. And why this case is so important to my husband that it is keeping him away from his dying mother."

"You know I can't tell you about an active case," Alex told her, standing up. "You should have called rather than drive all the way in."

Annie set her purse on Bobby's desk and crossed her arms across her chest.

"What I know," she said evenly, "is that this is not just another case."

"Captain," Alex said as Captain Ross approached. "This is Bobby's wife, Annie Paine. Annie, Captain Ross."

"Ms. Paine," the captain said, shaking her hand. "I'm sorry that your husband isn't here right now. I hope you didn't make a special trip."

"As a matter of fact, I did make a special trip, Captain." Annie took a deep breath, trying not to feel intimidated. "And I knew that my husband wasn't here. I came for information. I want to know why this case is so special to my husband."

"Annie..." Alex's voice was cautious.

"Ms. Paine, I'm afraid we can't give you any details about an ongoing investigation." Captain Ross was polite, but firm.

"And I'm afraid that's not good enough, Captain," Annie told him, ignoring the butterflies in her stomach as he raised an eyebrow at her audacity. "I know that this is not just another case. My mother-in-law is dying…she is dying soon. But my husband can't seem to let this case go, not even to be with his mother. I want to know why." She lifted her chin and looked into the captain's eyes. "I _will_ know why."

"As I said, that isn't possible."

Several moments of silence ticked by as Annie and Ross stared at one another and Alex looked on uncomfortably. Finally, Annie gave a slight nod and lowered her eyes in submission. She took a deep breath and reached into her purse and pulled out her cell phone, punching in the numbers 411.

"Graterford Pennsylvania, please," she said when asked what city and state. "The number for Graterford State Correctional Institution. Thank you."

"Annie, what are you doing," Alex asked, although she had a feeling she knew exactly what her partner's wife was up to.

Annie held a finger up and said, "Just a minute…they are connecting me."

"Ms. Paine….." Captain Ross said in warning.

"Yes…" Annie ignored him. "I would like to speak to the warden, please." As she waited, she smiled at Ross and Alex. "It's Saturday, so he probably isn't in his office. But I'm sure I'll be able to get a message to Mr. Brady asking if I can come and visit him."

"Annie!" Alex's voice was sharp. "This isn't funny…put that phone down. What do you think? That you are going to just waltz in and see a notorious serial killer?"

"Maybe," she said, still smiling. "Maybe not. But I'm willing to bet that Mark Ford Brady will see Robert Goren's wife." She looked at the captain evenly. "You may be bound by confidentiality, but something tells me that Mr. Brady will be happy to tell me why my husband is spending so much time with him."

Ross sighed. "Alright, Ms. Paine…you win." Annie didn't resist as he pulled the phone from her hand and closed it, handing it back to her. "Let's talk in the interview room," he said, gesturing towards a glass-enclosed room where she could see bulletin boards with pictures.

Annie walked into the room and looked at the pictures of women. Where these the pictures from Brady's scrapbooks? Were these his victims? Alex and Captain Ross followed her into the room and the captain closed the door. She faced them across the table and waited.

"Mark Ford Brady," Ross began, "is scheduled to be executed in two days." Annie nodded to show that she knew this already. "Two weeks ago, he led us to a scrapbook of pictures of women." He gestured to the pictures pinned to the bulletin boards. "Detectives Goren and Eames have been trying to identify all of the women in the scrapbook. Some are dead….more victims of Brady. Some are still alive."

"And then he led them to another scrapbook," Annie interjected.

"Right," Alex told her. "A scrapbook entitled 'The 60's'. A lot of the pictures in that scrapbook are faded, hard to make out the faces. Brady drew out attention to one in particular." Bobby had taken the picture from the bulletin board when he left, so Alex reached into a stack of copies and pulled the picture out, sliding it across the table towards Annie.

Annie sank into a chair and traced her fingers over the faded face in the picture, unable to make out the features. But she did recognize something.

"Bobby's mother," she said softly, "had a dress like that. We have a picture of her."

"Yes," Alex said.

"But…" She looked up at them. "Mom said it was a copy of a dress Jackie Kennedy wore. She bought it at Gimbel's." She knew where this was leading, but tried to find some hope to grasp. "Surely Mom wasn't the only woman in New York to have a suit like that. This…this could be anyone."

Ross told her gently, "Your mother-in-law confirmed that she knew Brady. She dated him…before she was married."

"But Frank recognized a picture of Brady," Alex continued. "According to Frank, Brady and their mother….saw each other, when their father was out of town. He remembered him very well, Annie. He called him…."

"…Uncle Mark," Annie finished softly. "He told Mom that Bobby showed him a picture of Uncle Mark."

"It seems that the last time she saw him was when they went away for a weekend. Bobby was four years old."

"And they were in a car accident? That's what Frank said." Annie caught the look that Alex and Captain Ross exchanged. "What?"

Alex sighed and sat down across from Annie. "It's possible," she said gently, "that the car accident was a cover story for what really happened." Annie looked at her in silence, not wanting to hear what would come next, but knowing she needed to. "Brady didn't kill all of his victims," Alex went on. "Sometimes he…raped them…and beat them."

"Oh God," Annie breathed, looking down at the picture. "Mom…. She's lived with this all these years?"

Ross and Alex remained silent and let Annie process the information. Tears filled her eyes, but she didn't allow them to spill over. After several moments she took a deep breath and blinked the tears away. She squared her shoulders, lifted her chin, and stood up.

"Thank you…both of you," she said softly. "I should go now."

"Where are you going," Ross asked, concerned she might now make good on her threat to go see Brady.

"I'm going back to Carmel Ridge," she told them. "To take care of my mother-in-law. And to wait for my husband."

Alex stood as she passed and gave her a hug. "Call me if you need anything," Alex said.

Annie nodded and hugged her back. "I will. Thank you, Alex…for everything."

"**The magic was still there," **Mark Ford Brady said with a smirk. **"**_**That's**_** what you wanted to know, wasn't it?"**

Bobby sat across the table from him, trying to process what the serial killer had just told him. He had already deduced that the last weekend Brady spent with his mother had ended with her being raped and beaten. But now Brady was telling him that he was with Frances the day Kennedy was elected...knowing that Bobby would make the connection. That was about the time Bobby was conceived. He shook his head no, fought back tears, as everything he had ever believed about himself, about his life, came crashing down around him. Because of this….this monster. All the years of his mother's illness raced through his head; the hallucinations, the voices, the psychotic breaks, the medication and restraints, the nightmare childhood that he and Frank had suffered as their mother fought the demons in her head. All the pain and fear in his mother's life, in his life….it was all centered on the evil man sitting there. Brady's expression was almost one of compassion and tenderness as the possibility seeped into Bobby's consciousness that he might actually share DNA with someone so vile. But it wasn't compassion or tenderness, Bobby knew…it was triumph. Brady had led him to exactly this place step by step from the beginning. A stay of execution was not his prime goal…this was…this destruction of the man who might be his flesh and blood.

"**I can't. I can't." **Bobby's whisper was barely audible as he struggled to hold onto himself, to who he was.

Suddenly Bobby lunged across the table, his big hands closing around Brady's throat as he lifted him up from the chair and slammed him against the wall.

"**Go ahead! Go ahead! Kill me! You can do it! They'll let you do it. They don't care."**

From the corner of his eye, through the haze of rage and hate that blurred his vision, he could see the guards…standing silently, not moving, satisfied to let Bobby do whatever he wanted with this man.

"**No!" **Bobby wailed, unsure whether he was talking to Brady or to himself as he continued to tighten his grip around Brady's throat. It would be so easy; it would take so little effort, to simply squeeze the life out of him.

"**You have it in you! You have it in you!"**

It was Brady's words, his taunt, that brought Bobby back to himself. With one last cry of, **"No!" **Bobby tore his hands from the man's throat and collapsed sobbing onto the table. Brady had said he had it in him, wanting Bobby to kill him, wanting to remain in control of this last act in his life…his own death. But Bobby didn't have it in him…he was not a killer, no matter who his father was.

The guards continued to stand quietly as the big detective sobbed out his pain, and Brady groaned with his own rage at having failed in the last moments of his carefully constructed plan. Bobby finally pushed himself off of the table and, keeping his back to Brady, blindly shoved the pictures into his notebook and hugged it close.

"We're done here," he told the guards, his voice hoarse. He pounded on the door to let them know he wanted out. "Take him back to his cell."

Outside the prison, Bobby stumbled to his car and tossed the notebook and pictures inside haphazardly. With the door open, he leaned against the car, his forehead resting on his crossed arms on the hood. He took deep breaths, trying to calm himself, trying to stave off the nausea that swept over him. The revelations of the last few days, of the last few minutes echoed in his head. It was too much, he didn't have the energy to process what it all meant. He didn't have the heart. He needed….Annie. Pulling out his cell phone, Bobby slid into the driver's seat. He needed to see her. He needed to hear her voice. He needed Annie.

Annie's cell phone rang and she looked at the caller ID before answering. _Bobby._

"I love you," she said and heard the whoosh of his exhalation.

"How did you know that's exactly what I need to hear right now?"

"I didn't." She closed her eyes as tears threatened. "I just needed to say it."

"I'm on my way to Carmel Ridge."

"Is the case…are you done?"

"Yes," he breathed. "I'm done. I'll be there as soon as I can. Annie…I love you."

"I love you, Baby," she whispered.

"Annie?" Frances' weak voice called to her as she hung up the phone. "Was that Bobby?"

"Yes," she answered, moving over to the bed. "He's on his way. He should be here in a couple of hours."

"Is Frank here?"

"No, he left a little while ago, while you were sleeping."

"Oh…good." Frances was quiet for a moment before speaking again. "Annie? When Bobby gets here…would you mind…could I talk to him…alone?"

"Of course you can," Annie told her. "I'll go for a walk and you can take as much time as you want."

Frances nodded and turned onto her side.

"I think I'll just rest until he gets here," she murmured.

Annie stepped out into the hallway to call the children. She talked to them on the phone every day, sometimes several times a day. But still she missed them desperately. The next day was Sunday and Janey would once again be bringing them to visit. Annie's heart was heavy with the knowledge that it would probably be the last time they would see their grandmother. She blinked back tears as the phone began to ring.

It was getting close to sundown when Bobby arrived. Annie had fallen asleep, curled up on the love seat. It seemed that lately she fell asleep instantly, anytime she sat quietly for more than a few minutes. She woke with a start when he opened the door, then pushed herself wearily to a sitting position.

"Bobby?"

Frances called to him and stepped over to the bed and kissed her forehead. Annie bent down to get her shoes and pulled them on. She stood and walked over to where Bobby was holding his mother's hand. He put his other arm around her and pulled her against him. She sighed and leaned into him for a moment.

"I'm going to take a walk," she said, pulling away. "I'll be back in a bit."

"A walk?" He looked at her curiously. "It's almost dark."

"I know," she said with a shrug. "I'm just going down the street a little way…and then I'll walk in the garden. It's pretty at sundown."

She exchanged a look with Frances, then smiled up at Bobby. He walked with her out to the hallway.

"Why are you leaving? It's almost dark and you are so exhausted you can barely stand up." He frowned at her. "Just go to bed, Babe. I'll sit up with Mom."

"Well," she said with a smile, reaching up to trace her fingers over his face. "Mom wants to spend some time with you alone. I'll be fine. Besides, I know why I'm exhausted, but why are you? Aren't you sleeping, Bobby?"

Bobby glanced around. There were only a few staff and residents out, but it wasn't very private. He took her hand and walked with her down the hallway and around the corner, near the elevator. No one was around at the moment and he pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. She could feel him trembling and she wrapped her arms around him.

"I miss you," he whispered. "You have no idea how much."

She wanted to ask him about Brady and Frances, but decided against it. He would talk to her about when he was ready. They stood wrapped around each other until they heard the elevator signal that it was about to stop on that floor. Annie pulled away and kissed him.

"Text me when you and Mom are ready for me to come back. Have you eaten dinner? I'll get us something at the diner and bring it back."

He was standing there watching her as the elevator doors closed. She took the elevator down to the lobby and walked out into the garden area. She had meant it when she said the garden was pretty at sundown, the amber tones washing over the flowers and benches. Annie took a small Bible from her purse and settled on a bench, opening to the book of Acts. She read quietly as the darkness descended, with a lantern on a pole behind her casting soft light over her. She lost track of the time until she heard her cell phone beeping the signal that she had a text message. It was from Bobby and said simply, _Come back. Love you_.

She texted back: _Getting dinner. Pastrami?_

_NO_, came the reply. _Not hungry. Just want you._

Annie wavered, knowing he must have had a difficult talk with his mother. But she also knew he probably hadn't eaten all day. She started to call him to explain, but didn't want to be swayed by the need she knew she would hear in his voice.

_I am getting dinner for you. Be there soon. I love you, Babe._

Hurry. 

She slipped the Bible back into her purse and quickly walked out to the front of the facility and down the street to the diner where Bobby and Frank had met for coffee earlier in the day. She ordered pastrami on rye for Bobby and a salad for herself. Walking back to the facility, she lifted her face to the night sky. Although warm during the day, there was still a chill in the air after dark and Annie shivered and quickened her pace.

Entering the room, she made sure to close the door quietly when she realized that Frances was asleep. Bobby was sitting in a chair and leaning on his arms, crossed on top of the bed rail. A lump formed in her chest and she froze where she was; deep grief, sadness, fear, and something Annie couldn't quite identify were all etched into the tired lines of his face. She was unable to move or to speak for a moment, until he looked up and saw her. She dropped the bags of food and her purse onto the coffee table as he rose from the chair and came towards her. He reached out and held her face between his hands, staring at her intently.

"Do you know that I love you, Annie?"

She placed her hands lightly on his chest. "Yes."

He held her like that for several long moments, searching her face. For what, Annie didn't know, but she stood quietly and looked up at him, waiting patiently. Finally he dropped his hands from her face and she took his arm, tugging him gently towards the love seat. As he began pulling food out of the bags, Annie checked on her sleeping mother-in-law. She noticed dried tears on her cheeks and knew that mother and son must have had a difficult talk. Had Frances told him that she was attacked by Brady, she wondered? Even more, Annie wondered if she told him that she had once wanted to leave Bobby's father for this man who turned out to be a serial rapist and killer. Annie gave a faint shudder as a chill ran down her back at the thought of how close Frances came to exposing her two young sons to such a man.

Although Bobby had protested that he wasn't hungry, once he began to eat he was suddenly ravenous. He ate all of his pastrami and fries, and finished Annie's salad after she had picked at it. She tried to convince him to go home and get some sleep, coming back with the children the next day, but he refused. Annie called to talk to the children and asked Ally to get her father a change of clothes to bring with them when they came to visit.

After they finished eating, they sat together on the love seat, just holding one another, until Bobby realized that Annie was falling asleep. He insisted that she pull out the bed and lie down. She insisted that he lie down with her, but he refused, saying that he wasn't sleepy. Annie slept fitfully, waking frequently. Each time she looked over, Bobby was sitting in the chair watching his mother sleep.

**End chapter 20**


	21. Chapter 21

**DECONSTRUCTION**

_This chapter takes place during Endgame. My intention was to have one chapter for Endgame and one chapter for Renewal. But of course, I just talk too much. This was getting too long and so I am just going with the flow and see how many I end up with, both for Endgame and Renewal. _

_For this chapter, I am lifting dialogue directly from the episode with my deepest appreciation and acknowledgement to the wonderful writers, Warren Leight, Julie Martin, and Kate Rorick. When I have done that in the past, I have put them in italics. But since I am using italics to signify someone's thoughts, especially Bobby's thoughts at the beginning, I need to find another way to differentiate words taken directly from the episode. I certainly don't want to take undue credit for the amazing job the writers have done. So anything that comes from the episode itself will be in bold, whether in italics (as in the beginning with Bobby's 'narration') or not. _

_Thank you, as always, to Judyg for beta'ing, and for encouraging me…and for allowing me obsess endlessly over the characters of this story. Thank you to Flashymom for recommending the song, "__The Way You Look Tonight" by Dorothy__ Fields and Jerome Kern.__ Thank you again to everyone who is reading this. These characters, both the ones created by Dick Wolf and Rene Balcer, as well as the ones created by me, are so real and vivid in my head, I'm truly grateful that I get to share them with you._

**CHAPTER 21**

_Detective Robert Goren. Major Case Squad. Profiler. Genius. Always a step ahead of everyone else in the room. What a load of crap, to quote Mike Logan. Failure is more like it. Failure at everything important to me in this world: as a husband, as a father, as a son, as a detective. _

_I haven't been a step ahead of Mark Ford Brady. I've been two steps behind him; following every single bread crumb he dropped until I arrived at exactly the place he wanted me. He raped my mother. He beat her almost to death. And four years earlier he very well may have fathered me._

_I told Annie that I'm done with the case. This time it's true. I'm done. I am done. _

**Sunday May 20-DAY 14**

"I'm hungry."

Annie stopped short at the strength and clarity of the words spoken by her mother-in-law and stared across the room at Bobby. Annie had just come from taking a hurried shower to find Frances sitting up in the bed and Bobby looking perplexed. Though thin and frail, Frances was much more alert than she had been for two days. And she was asking for food.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," said one of the nurses, coming into the room behind Annie, carrying a tray. "Your breakfast is right here."

She set the tray on the table over Frances' bed and smiled at her. Frances looked down at the oatmeal, soggy toast, and bowl of canned fruit cocktail.

"I don't want that," she said disdainfully.

"Wh…what do you want," Annie asked her.

"I want real food," she answered firmly. "I want fluffy pancakes and crisp bacon…and scrambled eggs."

"I can ask the kitchen," the nurse said doubtfully.

"No," Annie told her. "I'll take care of it."

Annie didn't even bother drying her short hair; she just ran her fingers through it. Grabbing her purse, she quickly kissed Frances' cheek and then Bobby and left. She walked to the diner down the street and ordered breakfast for Frances, Bobby, and herself.

Frances wasn't able to eat very much, but she enjoyed it. She was alert and cheerful, talking to Bobby about the old neighborhood. When she was finished eating, she insisted that she wanted a shower….not a bed bath, she wanted a real shower. Annie and one of the nursing assistants helped her into a shower chair and took her to the shower. The exertion left Frances exhausted and she fell asleep. But she woke up after a short time, when Frank arrived, overjoyed to once again have her two sons together. Annie slipped quietly from the room to give the three of them time alone.

She returned an hour later, along with the children, who had been dropped off by Janey. Frances happily held her arms out to them, shushing Annie when she told the boys not to climb on the bed. The morning passed and the staff heard happy voices and laughter spilling from the room. Frances hadn't been this animated for days and she seemed determined to enjoy this as much as possible. Annie noticed that Bobby glanced over at her frequently, either sitting so that their thighs or feet were touching, or close enough to reach over and squeeze her hand occasionally. She smiled at him each time she caught his eye.

As lunch approached, Frances announced that she wanted pizza…cheesy, greasy pizza. Bobby and Annie exchanged glances as he left the room to call in the order. Frances savored the pizza, although she couldn't even finish one piece. But she ate slowly, relishing the taste and the feel of the melted cheese on her tongue. Annie tried to insist that she take a nap, thinking that she must be tired. But Frances refused, saying that she felt fine and didn't want to miss a moment with her family. Bobby's expression didn't change, but Annie detected a slight flinch as the implication sank in. Frances expected this to be her last family gathering.

Through the afternoon, Frances never faltered or showed any signs of weariness. Ally had brought her violin and her grandmother insisted that she play for them, which brought other residents and staff to the doorway to enjoy the music. Annie considered pulling a deck of cards out of her purse and starting a game of poker, but decided it was better not to with Frank there. Phillip and Andrew found some board games in the activity room and Frank played Monopoly with the children for a long time, with no clear winner but a lot of laughs.

Late in the afternoon, Janey came to pick up the children. After each of them received a long hug and whispered words from their grandmother, Annie walked with them out to the parking lot. She hugged Janey and thanked her for all her help, then hugged each of the children. Ally hung back so that she was the last to say goodbye to her mother. As the twins settled into the back seat, Ally looked her mother in the eye.

"Grandma had a good day today," she said.

"Yes," Annie replied, nodding. "She has had a very good day."

"But she's not really better, is she?"

Annie didn't answer for a moment, meeting Ally's level gaze. "No, she's not really better."

"Grandma is still going to die." A statement, not a question.

"Yes," Annie told her softly. "Grandma is going to die."

"Soon?"

"Yes, I think very soon."

"So this is the last time we will get to see her?"

"Probably so, Sweetheart."

Ally's face crumpled and the defiant, angry teenager Annie had become used to seeing disappeared and she was once again a little girl needing her mother's comfort. Annie opened her arms and Ally stepped into her embrace. She didn't fit as well as she once did, her height making the hug a bit awkward. But Annie tightened her arms around her and held her close. Ally didn't sob or wail, she just cried quietly for a few minutes, holding onto her mother.

"I miss you, Mommy," she murmured softly.

"I miss you, too, Sweetheart."

Pulling away and straightening, Ally wiped her face and looked at her mother again. Annie smiled as she brushed a tear away with her thumb and Ally smiled back tremulously. Annie stood and watched the car as it drove away and then turned to go back to Frances' room. Frances decided she wanted a hamburger for dinner and this time Frank volunteered to go for food and Bobby went with him.

"I'm glad Bobby found you," Frances said, patting the bed next to her.

"I am too," Annie told her with a smile, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"Maybe if Frank had found someone…had children…."

Annie reached out and squeezed her hand. "Maybe…"

"You've been good for Bobby. Annie…has he been good for you? Has being in this family been good for you?"

"Oh Mom…" Annie blinked back tears. "Bobby is the best thing that ever happened to me, and he gave me those three beautiful children. I wouldn't trade my life for anything…and that includes you and Frank."

They sat in companionable silence until the men returned with dinner. Annie smiled over her vegetarian burger as Frances wiped her chin. She said she wanted a juicy hamburger and that was exactly what she got.

After dinner, it became obvious that the activities of the day had finally caught up to her and Frances admitted to being tired. Frank kissed her cheek and told her that he was going to say goodnight, promising to return in the morning. Bobby excused himself and walked out with Frank while Annie helped Frances get ready for bed. With her settled, Annie wandered out to the hallway. Frank and Bobby were still standing in front of the elevators. She stood and watched them for a moment as they talked quietly. The doors slid open and Bobby and Frank hugged briefly before Frank stepped into the elevator.

"Thanks for everything, Frank," she heard Bobby say.

"Hey…that's what big brothers are for," Frank told him with a grin.

The doors slid closed and Bobby turned around, smiling as he caught sight of her. He slid an arm around her as they walked back to the room.

"What was that about," Annie asked.

"I thanked Frank for being here with you…..and _for _you." He looked down at her. "I know I haven't been."

She put her hand on his chest. "You're here now," she said. "That's all that matters."

He pulled her against him and they wrapped their arms around one another, holding each other as Frances slept. This time Annie told Bobby he was not going to sit up in the chair all night, and insisted that he lie down with her on the small fold-out bed. It wasn't even big enough for her, really, much less adding her very large husband. But she managed to spoon herself against him and make it work, if barely. Annie drifted to sleep with her husband's arms around her and the steady thud of his heart against her back.

**Monday May 21-DAY 15**

Annie awoke and lay still, unsure of what had awakened her. She and Bobby were still squeezed into the too-small bed, his arms still wrapped around her. It was still dark and quiet in the room. Too quiet. Even as the thought entered her mind, Bobby was rolling away from her, sitting up.

"Mom?" He was already at her bedside before Annie could pull herself up. "She's not breathing," she heard him say as he reached for the light over Frances' bed.

Annie reached the other side of the bed just as Frances took a shallow breath. Annie laid her hand gently on her chest and watched as she took another, then another. Her breaths were slow and shallow, gradually becoming faster and deeper until she seemed to be hyperventilating, then just as gradually slowing again until it just stopped. Bobby's eyes sought hers as Frances lie still, not breathing, for perhaps twenty seconds before she took another shallow breath. They watched in silence for several minutes as the pattern continued, taking a minute and a half to two minutes each time.

"Mom?" Annie shook Frances gently but she didn't respond, so she shook her a little harder and called more loudly, "Mom?"

She still didn't respond so Annie picked up a brush from the bedside table and pulled the covers back to expose her feet. She ran the brush along the soles of her feet, but Frances didn't respond, didn't flinch, didn't move at all. Annie pulled the covers back up to her shoulders and looked up to find Bobby watching her carefully.

"It's called agonal respirations," she told him.

"Cheyne-Stokes respirations," he said.

"Yes."

"It happens in the last stage of….dying," he said, watching her.

"Yes."

"How long?"

Annie shook her head and shrugged slightly, palms up. "Hours…sometimes days."

"Sometimes?"

His dark eyes held her and she knew there was no way to soften this or make it better for him.

"Usually hours," she said.

He nodded and looked back at his mother, his expression tender.

"I guess….I should call Frank…."

"Do you want me to call him," she asked softly.

"No," he said, sighing. "I'll do it."

He leaned down and gently kissed Frances' forehead before pulling his phone from his pocket and stepping outside the room to make the call. Annie tried to make sure Frances was comfortable and straightened the blanket and sheet over her. She slipped into the bathroom to change out of her pajamas, since Frank would be joining them. When she came out, Bobby was sitting in a chair, next to Frances' bed, with her hand in his. Annie went to the nurse's station to let the nurses know about the change in Frances' condition. One of the nurses went in to check on her and told Bobby and Annie to let her know if Frances seemed to be uncomfortable and she would give her something. Annie sank into the chair on the other side of the bed, noticing the time. 3:00 AM.

An hour later, Frank arrived and Annie insisted on giving up her chair so he could sit by his mother. She noticed that she had left the sofa bed unmade, so she tidied up and put the love seat back in place. She glanced at Frank and Bobby as she worked. Bobby was explaining the pathophysiology of Cheyne-Stokes respirations and she smiled, in spite of the circumstances. She had told Lady Harrington once that most of Bobby's medical knowledge did not come from her, and that was true. Bobby was a true autodidact; reading and researching extensively on any subject that caught his attention, of which medicine was just one.

She remembered in the early days of their marriage, Bobby pulling out her nursing school text books and reading them cover to cover; amazing to her because she had spent four years reading only what she had to read for school. It never occurred to her to read any of those books for fun. But it was fun for Bobby, and he had made it fun for her too, as he pulled her in with his enthusiasm and she reread parts she had forgotten while they discussed them. Bobby came to the hospital as often as his job and school allowed and questioned the doctors. Several times he had even been granted permission to observe surgery with the interns and medical students.

Bobby pulled another chair next to his and Annie sat down, slipping her hand into his. The three of them sat watching Frances as her breathing continued a regular pattern of fast and deep, fading to slow and shallow until it simply stopped for twenty to thirty seconds and then began again. Each time she stopped breathing, it felt as though the three of them stopped, too. They talked quietly, both to Frances because the nurse assured them that she might still be able to hear them, and to one another. Annie could see that Frank was uncomfortable and she knew there was nothing she could do to make it easier. He was watching his mother die.

Although Bobby and Frank both protested that they were not hungry, Annie insisted on going to the diner to get breakfast for them. But all three of them picked at the food. Annie slowly became aware of a faint gurgling sound with each breath that Frances took, slowly becoming louder. Turning her to her side alleviated it for a short time, but soon it was back.

"What's happening," Frank asked with alarm.

"The death rattle," Bobby said slowly. "She can't swallow, so the secretions pool at the back of her throat and create that sound as air passes through it."

"Well, can't they do something," Frank asked in alarm. "She sounds like she's choking."

Annie told him, "It's probably not uncomfortable for her…it's more uncomfortable for us to hear it."

"Probably?" Frank looked at her. "How the hell does anyone know if it's uncomfortable for her? The sensation of choking has to be 'uncomfortable.' Get the nurse in here and tell her to suction her or something!"

Bobby opened his mouth to argue, but Annie laid her hand on his and squeezed. "OK, Frank," she answered. "I'll talk to them. Suctioning would definitely be uncomfortable for her, but there are a couple of things we can do."

She went out to talk to the nurse. After calling the doctor, the nurse brought in a small bottle of Atropine eye drops and placed two drops under Frances' tongue. She explained that it would help to dry up the secretions and she could give it every hour or two. Bobby and Frank left the room while Annie and the nurse turned Frances to her other side and swabbed her mouth to remove a much of the secretions as they could, as well as moistening her lips and tongue.

The nurse came in frequently to check on Frances, as well as to ask if there was anything she could do for them and to administer the Atropine regularly. Annie was grateful and the Atropine helped; the gurgling sound softened and decreased, although it didn't disappear completely. Annie and the nurse also turned and repositioned Frances frequently, keeping her on her side most of the time as lying on her back made the rattling worse.

Annie watched Bobby carefully, but his expression remained calm. Frank, on the other hand, was clearly becoming more and more distressed by the minute. Annie didn't mention the fact that Frances' feet and legs were becoming mottled….blue spider web-like lines appearing on her cool skin. But she couldn't keep the brothers from noticing when it reached her fingers, hands, and arms. Frank was becoming more and more anxious, pacing the room, unable to sit for more than a minute or two. When the skin around Frances' lips began to turn dusky blue, it seemed to be the last straw for her eldest son.

"Good God! Why aren't they giving her oxygen?"

"Because," Annie told him softly. "She is breathing through her mouth, so oxygen through a nasal cannula probably won't help. And a mask," she added, anticipating his next question, "would be too restrictive and uncomfortable for her."

"And there's that word, 'probably', again! How do you know it won't help? Look at her! Her skin is turning blue! She's choking on her own saliva! And you're going to stand there and tell me that 'probably' she isn't uncomfortable?" He took a step toward Annie. "Get the damned doctor in here and _do_ something for her!"

"Frank," Bobby said sharply, stepping between his brother and his wife. "Mom is dying." Frank glared at him, but he continued. "She's dying, OK? Nothing the doctor or the nurses or Annie does is going to change that. And no one wants her to be comfortable more than Annie does. They are doing everything they can, but this…." He gestured to their mother. "This is what it is…she's dying."

The room was suddenly still as Frank and Bobby faced one another, the only sound coming from Frances's labored breathing.

"Well, I can't do this," Frank finally said softly.

"Frank…"

"No! I can't…I won't sit here and watch my mother in the throes of death. It's grotesque…it's macabre. And I won't do it."

"Frank," Bobby said again, but he was already walking out the door.

Annie moved quietly to stand behind Bobby and wrapped her arms around his waist, resting her cheek against his back and holding him tightly. She felt his sigh of defeat.

"I'll go talk to him," she told him, releasing her hold and trying to step around him to the door.

"No." Bobby closed his hand around her wrist. "Let him go."

"Bobby…" She tried to tug her hand away. "He should be here. I know it's hard, but he's going to regret it if he doesn't stay. Just let me talk to him."

"No," he repeated, holding her wrist firmly. "This is Frank's decision."

"But…"

"No. Maybe some people just really can't do this, Annie. Maybe Frank is one of them; no matter what you think is best. You can't fix this."

She stared up at him. How many times over the last few years had he angrily accused her of trying to "fix" things, of thinking she knew what was best for everyone. But he didn't look angry now; he looked resigned. Resigned and incredibly sad. She took a deep breath.

"OK."

Bobby pulled her into his arms and held her tightly, his face against her hair. Neither of them spoke; they simply stood holding one another for a long time before taking up their positions next to Frances' bed.

Annie suggested that Bobby take a break and go for a walk while she and the nurse turned Frances and straightened her linens, trying to make sure she was comfortable. After the nurse left, Annie sat on the side of the bed, smoothing Frances' hair from her face, her fingers lightly tracing the contours of her face. She leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her cheek.

"I love you, Mom," she whispered. "I'm going to miss you. Bobby and Frank, the kids…we are all going to miss you."

Frances' favorite Frank Sinatra song wafted through her mind. She began to hum the tune softly, then took one pale hand in both of hers as she began to sing.

"_Some day, when I'm awfully low,  
When the world is cold,  
I will feel a glow just thinking of you...  
And the way you look tonight._

Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm  
And your cheeks so soft,  
There is nothing for me but to love you,  
And the way you look tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,  
Tearing my fear apart...  
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,  
It touches my foolish heart.

Lovely ... Never, ever change.  
Keep that breathless charm.  
Won't you please arrange it ?  
'Cause I love you ... Just the way you look tonight.

_Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm,  
Just the way you look to-night."_

She hadn't heard Bobby come into the room, hadn't seen him standing mesmerized as she sang, and she started as he moved around the bed to sit in the chair next to her. Wordlessly, he reached for her and she slid into his lap, curling herself against him as he rested his cheek against the top of her head.

It was past lunch time and Annie insisted once again on going to get food for herself and Bobby, although he again told her that he wasn't hungry. The truth was that she wasn't hungry, either. But she needed an excuse to go outside for a breath of fresh air and she felt Bobby needed a bit more time alone with Frances. She knew that their talk on Saturday night had been emotional and draining for both of them, and they hadn't been alone since. Perhaps there was something more that he needed to say to her.

The walk to and from the diner was refreshing and Annie inhaled deeply of the spring air. Knowing Bobby would object, still she couldn't seem to stop herself from calling Frank. His phone went directly to voice mail and she left a message, asking him to reconsider and come back to Carmel Ridge. Back inside the facility, she froze in the doorway as she heard Bobby's voice, low and tortured, speaking to his mother.

"I'm sorry, Mom, I'm so sorry to have brought it all up. I'm not mad and you have nothing to apologize for. None of it matters, Ma…none. The only thing that's important is that you are my mother and I love you. I've always loved you and I always will."

Annie backed silently from the room and walked down the hallway to the waiting room. She sank into a chair, clutching the bags of food to her. She tried to make sense of what she had just heard. Bobby's apology for bringing up the past made sense, but why would Frances have apologized? Why would Bobby be angry with her? Because she was raped forty years ago? He would never blame her for what Brady did to her. What else had they talked about? Had Frances apologized for being so ill during his childhood and not being the mother he needed? Or had she told him that she almost left his father for Mark Ford Brady?

She stayed in the waiting room for another ten minutes, giving him time to say all that he needed to say. But she knew if she was gone too long, he would wonder where she was. Finally she went back to the room, careful to make noise as she approached so that he would know she was there. They both ate more than they had at breakfast, hunger finally setting in despite their preoccupation with this process of dying.

Sitting silently in the chairs next to the bed, holding hands, Annie leaned over to rest her head against Bobby's shoulder, weariness overtaking her. He put his arm around her and her eyes closed, drifting softly into that fuzzy interlude between wakefulness and sleep. The rhythm of Frances' breathing had become so familiar over the hours that she almost felt it as her own. The periods of apnea, though lasting only twenty seconds or so, each seemed to stretch forever in their silence. Each time, Annie had the urge to gasp and draw in a deep breath. As she dozed against Bobby's shoulder, Frances' breathing became shallow and slow, following the same pattern that it had all day until it ended with the familiar apnea. Even as her brain tried to sink more deeply into the sleep that was pulling at her, she waited for the breathing to begin again.

But it didn't. Bobby's arm around her stiffened and withdrew as he sat up. Annie sat up, as well, trying to clear her befogged brain. It had been more than twenty seconds, she knew, but wasn't sure just how much time had passed since Frances took that last breath. Bobby was standing up, leaning over the bed, and Annie got up and moved to the other side of the bed. She put her hand lightly on her mother-in-law's chest. Suddenly Frances took in a deep, shuddering breath and let it out slowly. And then nothing. The silence in the room pressed in on them as they stood over her bed. Bobby looked at Annie, the question in his brown eyes. She lifted her hand to cup Bobby's cheek.

"Babe," she whispered as he closed his eyes and leaned his cheek against her palm.

With her other hand, she reached for the call button to summon the nurse. When she arrived, Annie moved back around the bed to stand next to Bobby as the nurse put her stethoscope against Frances' still chest, listening for a heartbeat that wasn't there.

"I'm sorry," she said softly. "She's gone. I'll go call the doctor."

Bobby leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on his mother's forehead.

"Goodbye, Ma. I love you."

They sat back down in their chairs, Bobby grasping Annie's hand tightly. They sat in silence as the nurse went out to the nurse's station to make calls to the doctor, the mortuary. They sat in the room that had been Frances' home for so many years, waiting for the mortuary to arrive to remove "the body". They sat next to the still, silent form of the troubled woman whose schizophrenia had dictated so many of their decisions from the day they met.

Annie convinced Bobby to leave the room with her when the mortuary attendant arrived. Familiar though he was with body bags, watching his own mother being zipped into one was something Annie didn't want imprinted on his mind. She left him sitting in the lobby, staring at nothing, while she made some phone calls. She called Janey's house and talked with each of the children, trying to comfort them. Next she called Frank, but his phone again went straight to voice mail. She hated to leave news like this on his voice mail, but decided he had to be expecting this call and so she told him as gently as she could that his mother had died. She called Grandpa, wanting to hear his comforting voice. She knew that she needed to focus on Bobby and his grief now, but Grandpa would understand hers as well. Her mother-in-law had been a part of her life longer than her own mother had been, and this loss felt just as great. She called Alex, assuring her that she would let her know if there was anything they needed.

Once her body was gone, they went back to the room to pack her things. The nurses had stripped the bed and she saw Bobby flinch when he saw it, though he said nothing. They began filling boxes with Frances' possessions; her clothing, books, knick knacks. They took her paintings off the wall. Annie smiled as she looked at each one. Art therapy had been good for Frances, awaking something creative and joyful in her. Annie was taking clothing out of the dresser drawers when Bobby reached down to take her arm and pull her to her feet.

"Annie," he said, pulling her against him. "I want you to go home."

"What?" She pulled away to look up at him. "We'll go soon…after we get everything packed and loaded in the SUV."

"No," he told her. "I want you to go now. I'll finish packing."

"Babe…there's no need for you to do it alone. It will go quicker if we do this together."

"Annie…I want to do this alone. I want to be alone…here in her room…for just a while." He gave her a sad smile. "And I want you to go get our kids. I want them to sleep in their own beds tonight. They've been at Rob and Janey's for two weeks…they miss you, they need to be home."

She put her hand on his cheek. "You're sure?"

"I'm sure," he answered, kissing her palm. "Take the Mustang and I'll keep the SUV to load everything."

Not sure it was a good idea to leave him alone, nevertheless she acquiesced. She hugged him tightly and told him to call if he needed her to come back, and he kissed her. Annie took one last look around at the room, realizing that she would never see it again. Taking a deep breath, she kissed Bobby again and walked out the door.

Alex made her way from the cafeteria to the eleventh floor of One Police Plaza. Stepping off the elevator, she paused each time a detective stopped her to give her a message of condolence for her partner. She was at her desk when she noticed a red-haired woman getting on the elevator and realized it was Mark Ford Brady's lawyer. She was wondering what she had been doing in the Major Case Squad when the door of the captain's office opened.

"Eames," Ross called. "In my office, please."

_Now what,_ she wondered.

**End chapter 21 **

_**** **__The Way You Look Tonight by Dorothy__ Fields and Jerome Kern._

14


	22. Chapter 22

**DECONSTRUCTION**

_This chapter takes place between the ending of Endgame and the beginning of Renewal. _

_Thank you, as always, to Judyg for beta'ing, and for encouraging me…and for letting me obsess endlessly over the characters of this story. Thank you to everyone who gave me suggestions about songs for Frances' funeral, and to Flashymom for coming up with the name of the hymn that was floating on the fringes of my leaky brain. _

**CHAPTER 22**

_My mother is dead. I can't seem to comprehend those words. But I feel the emptiness in my heart. I don't know how long I've been sitting here in the room that was Mom's home for so long. The pictures that she painted, her knick knacks, all the things that made the room hers, are sitting there waiting for me to pack them and take them…where? _

_A nurse opens the door and reminds me that visiting hours are over. I almost smile at that…Annie has been here around the clock for the last two weeks and I have been here for the last forty eight hours. The staff was compassionate and welcomed our presence as my mother was dying. But now that she's gone, suddenly they want me to observe visiting hours? Of course, I understand. They need me to clear Mom's things out of this room so that they can clean it. And get it ready for the next resident. The nurse seems to understand when I say that I want to sit here for a while. _

_Sighing, I finally get up and slowly carry the things out to the SUV. I come across a flower arrangement with a card for Annie. It's signed by her coworkers and I briefly wonder who delivered it. Did Stan Myers drive out to deliver it in person? _

_As I take the last load down, I pause in the doorway of the dark, empty room. She's gone. Again, those words don't make sense to me. But my heart is as empty, and as dark, as this room._

_I drive home and the house is dark when I arrive. It's not late but everyone is in bed already. I leave Mom's things in the SUV, too tired to make any decisions about where to put them right now. Upstairs, I look in on my children. My beautiful, innocent children. And the emptiness seems to recede a bit. In my bedroom, I strip down to my tee shirt and boxers, and stand looking down at my sleeping wife for a moment. She is so exhausted that she barely stirs when I crawl into bed next to her. The last two weeks have been hard for her. But even in her sleep, she feels my warmth and turns to nestle in my arms. With her soft cheek against my chest and her body entwined with mine, I feel the emptiness recede even more. Annie, Ally, Phillip, Andrew…._this _is my heart._

**Tuesday May 22**

"Annie…" Bobby's soft voice penetrated her sleep-sodden brain. "Annie…wake up, Babe." His hand pushed her hair back from her face and then moved to her shoulder, shaking her gently. "Wake up."

"No," she whined, eyes tightly closed.

"Babe…you need to wake up."

"What time is it," she murmured.

"Eleven."

With her eyes still closed she irritably pushed his hand away.

"I just went to sleep. Go 'way."

"Annie," he said, shaking her again which elicited a moan. "It's eleven AM."

"Whaa…?" She finally forced her eyes open and realized the room was bathed in daylight. She rolled onto her back and tried to focus on Bobby's face. "Eleven AM," she repeated. "How is that possible? I went to bed at….Bobby, I can't have been asleep for fourteen hours!"

Bobby smiled slightly and leaned down to kiss her forehead. "You were exhausted, Babe," he said softly. "The last few weeks have been tough on you."

"Why didn't you wake me?" She struggled to sit up, trying to clear her mind. "The kids…."

"The kids are fine," Bobby said, pushing her gently back down. "I let them stay home from school today and they are downstairs watching TV. I didn't wake you because you obviously need the sleep. The only reason I'm waking you now is because…." He hesitated and grief washed over his face. "We…we have an appointment at the funeral home at one and I thought you would …."

"Of course I want to be there," she said softly, reaching up and laying her hand against his cheek.

Bobby lowered himself onto the bed, stretching out next to her and gathering her into his arms. He rested his face in the hollow where her throat met her shoulder and they lay quietly for several long minutes.

"Have you talked to Frank," she asked finally. "Is he meeting us at the funeral home?"

"I've tried to call him," Bobby said with a sigh. "But it just goes to voice mail. I left him a couple of messages and told him where it is and when. I don't know if he will be there."

Annie allowed herself a few more minutes to just hold her husband before she said, "Well, I guess I should get up and get a shower so that we aren't late."

Bobby stood up and helped her out of the bed. He went downstairs with the children as Annie headed for the bathroom.

Bobby sat across from the funeral director, Richard Schnell, trying to focus on his words as he suggested options. He seemed sincere enough, but of course this was his job, he did this every day. He was paid, and paid well, to be sincere and sympathetic.

Annie was sitting next to him, her left hand clasped in his right hand. They had already picked out a coffin and now the details of the service were almost completed. It would be a simple, graveside service. Frank was not there; Bobby had been unable to reach him, still had not spoken to him since the morning before. Annie was quiet, offering suggestions only when he asked directly. But her presence was comforting and he held onto her hand throughout the meeting.

When Mr. Schnell asked about music, Bobby turned to Annie and asked if she would sing a hymn. He watched her carefully; aware of how difficult this would be for her, and caught the slight flinch she tried to hide. But she turned her blue eyes to him and answered without hesitation.

"Of course I will."

"Are you sure? We can ask someone else if this is too…."

She squeezed his hand and smiled. "I want to do it."

Bobby had not let go of her hand since they got out of the car and walked up the front steps. He held onto her now, even as he reached over with his left hand to sign the paperwork. Concentrating on the papers he was signing, he was only vaguely aware that she had shifted in the chair. She shifted again. As Mr. Schnell gathered up the papers and told them that he would make copies and be right back, Bobby could feel now that Annie was fidgeting. He glanced down at their entwined hands, realizing that she felt clammy. He looked at her as she reached for the brochure she had tucked into her purse and began to fan herself. He noticed a faint sheen of perspiration on her face, her neck, her arms.

"Are you alright? You're flushed," Bobby said.

"I'm fine. It's just so hot in here."

Bobby frowned, perplexed. "Too hot? I thought you might need a sweater because the air conditioner is turned so low." Concern creased his brow. "Are you coming down with something? You're flushed…and you feel warm."

"I do?" She looked at him in surprise, her eyes widening slightly.

"Yeah, you do," Bobby said as he turned in his chair to face her and reach across with his left hand to feel her forehead and cup her cheek. "Annie, you have a fever." Now a familiar feeling of guilt swept through him. "I should have let you sleep. These last few weeks have been too much and now you're sick. I should have just done this on my own and let you sleep. I'm so sorry, Babe."

"Bobby, I'm not sick. It's just a…."

Annie stopped and looked up at him. Her eyes filled with tears that didn't spill over and he could see she was struggling with her answer.

"Really, I'm not sick. It's just…it must be stress. I'm fine. Really, I'm fine." She pulled her hand from his and stood up. "I'm just going outside for some fresh air."

Bobby stood up to follow her, but Mr. Schnell came through the door at that moment with the copies. They went over the details one more time and then shook hands before Bobby left. Outside, he found Annie sitting on a stone bench. She stood and met him, slipping her hand into his as they walked to the car. She no longer looked flushed or felt hot, and Bobby thought maybe she was right…what had happened inside was just a reaction to the stress of the last few weeks.

**Wednesday May 23**

Sarah sat at the table in the library's break room. She was eating a sandwich and listening through ear buds to a recording of the sermon she had heard when she and Jia Li attended Annie's church over the weekend. She felt uncomfortable, not knowing anyone, not knowing how to act. But Jia Li seemed to know everyone, and everyone seemed to know the lively little girl and greeted her mother warmly. Jia Li insisted on sitting in the pew where Miss Annie always sat. True to her word, the little girl patiently explained each part of the service. The pastor greeted them before the service, but glancing through the bulletin Sarah saw that he was not giving the sermon that day. A guest speaker, a woman named Ginny Rose, would be speaking. The sermon was entitled "Love Story".

Sarah had expected to be bored with the church service, but she was surprised by how much she enjoyed it. She wasn't familiar with the songs, but found herself joining in with the enthusiastic congregation as the words were flashed onto a screen in front. She smiled at Jia Li as she bounced up to the front of the church with the other children for their own Children's Story, told by the pastor. During the prayer, kneeling as Jia Li instructed, Sarah closed her eyes and wondered at the intimate way the woman spoke…as though there really was Someone who was listening to her and interested in everything she said. Sarah couldn't remember ever hearing a prayer like that before. Then it was time for the sermon and Ginny Rose stood.

Jia Li was quiet and still, busily coloring with the book and small box of crayons that Miss Annie had given her to be used only during church. Even though there were several loud "Amens" and rustling and even children fussing and being taken out by harried parents, Sarah only remembered silence…and the sound of the woman's voice. Her words entranced Sarah and she felt that she was speaking directly to her, that she knew all about Sarah's aching heart and feelings of guilt over breaking up with Mike. More than that, the woman seemed to be telling her that God understood these things as well. After the service, she shook Ms. Rose's hand and thanked her for her words. The woman smiled warmly and thanked Sarah for being there. When she found out that they offered CDs of the sermon, she eagerly lined up to get one. Listening to it now, several days later and in the familiarity of her work place, it had the same impact as the first time she heard it.

"Naomi instructed Ruth to go where Boaz and his servants would be winnowing barley and during the night to lie down at his feet," said Ginny. "There was nothing improper about this; it was a customary position for a servant to take. But when Boaz woke up in the night and discovered Ruth lying at his feet, she asked him to cover her with his cloak. He knew that she was asking him to marry her. Now that was a bold and extraordinary thing for any woman to do, but even more so for a foreigner. Boaz was flattered that Ruth wanted to marry him. It is obvious that these two people had feelings for one another, but neither thought that circumstances would allow them to express themselves to one another. It took a meddling mother-in-law to get things out into the open!

"Boaz knew that there was a closer kinsman who had the right to redeem Naomi's property and to marry Ruth. Undoubtedly Naomi knew this also and she trusted Boaz to come up with a plan. Boaz let Ruth stay at his feet that night, but warned her to leave early and not let anyone know she had been there. He protected her reputation. Although she had not done anything improper, it was unusual. Anyone who heard about it would know that Ruth had declared her feelings for Boaz. He knew there was a possibility that the other kinsman would exercise his right to redeem Naomi's property and to marry Ruth and it would have been humiliating for Ruth if she had to marry this man while the entire community knew that she had offered herself to Boaz. It could have made for a very unpleasant marriage for her as well. Before Ruth left the next morning, he gave her barley to take back to Naomi. When Naomi saw the barley, she knew her plan had worked and that Boaz would do whatever it took to make Ruth his wife."

Sarah was ashamed of her own cowardice. She wasn't the first woman in the world to watch a beloved husband die. All over the world women became widows and lived through it to find love again. Ruth, a foreigner with no standing in her community, had been brave enough to offer herself to a man she fell in love with. Sarah found love, too, but had thrown it away. In the process she not only hurt herself, but her daughter as well as a man who had been unfailingly tender and kind to her. A man who had swallowed his own fears and embraced her and her child. And now it was too late. Mike made it clear that her decision would be final. She couldn't ask him to take her back, to trust her to stay and not run away again.

"What makes this so special to me is not just the romantic story with the 'happily ever after' ending. It paints a picture of Christ that makes me fall in love with Him all over again each time I read the story of Ruth and Boaz. I am that poor foreigner, living among a hostile people. Jesus is the wealthy landowner who has shown me kindness after kindness. As I witness His gentleness and concern for my welfare, I fall hopelessly in love. Knowing that I am sinful and unworthy to approach Him, all I can do is lie at His feet and humbly ask Him to cover me with His garment of righteousness. And He does so willingly and joyfully each and every time I ask. I need Jesus to be my Kinsman Redeemer because my sin has given an enemy claim to me. But Jesus came up with a plan to redeem me long before I asked, long before I was born. In fact He devised this plan 'before the creation of the world.' (1 Peter 1:20)

"This is the picture of Christ that makes Him most real to me. The romantic Bridegroom moving heaven and earth in order to woo His bride. How could I respond to a Man like that with anything but complete love and devotion?"

There it was again, that same intimacy that Sarah had heard during the prayer at church. Did people really think of Jesus this way, as a bridegroom, as a lover, as someone real? Sarah's parents had rarely taken her to church when she was growing up and she had never given much thought to who God was. She had a vague belief in Him as a white-haired old man who didn't get involved very much in the details of the universe. He was more of a spectator, watching to see what humans made of themselves and the world.

But this…the way these people prayed, the things Ginny Rose said in her sermon…Sarah had never experienced a belief like this. They really seemed to believe that God is a very real presence and that He not only cares about all the minutiae of their lives, but that He is involved and directs them.

_Is it possible_, she wondered? _Is it possible that God really cares? About me? About Jia Li? About Mike?_

"This is Frank. I can't answer your call right now, but leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

Annie sighed as she closed her cell phone and laid it on the table next to her bed. She and Bobby had both tried many times to reach Frank but only got his voice mail. By now they had left several messages. Neither of them said it, but both were thinking that he was gone…somewhere in the city Frank was drugging himself beyond the point of knowing or caring that his mother had died. She could only hope that he would show up for the funeral, and that he would be sober.

Bobby was stoic. She hadn't seen him cry once…for that matter, neither had she. They were moving through the days, making arrangements, fielding phone calls as though they were on autopilot. The only real sign of grief that Bobby showed was his sudden need to be near Annie. His eyes followed her wherever she went and whenever possible he positioned himself where he could touch her. He held her hand at every opportunity, or simply stood or sat touching her lightly with his leg or foot. Annie made herself available to him, linking her fingers through his or simply leaning lightly into him.

Annie's grief was manifesting as bone-weary exhaustion. She felt as though she could not get enough sleep. She was in bed long before Bobby or the children, and if she sat quietly for more than a few minutes she found herself dozing off. She was more tired than she had been those last two weeks, staying with Frances at Carmel Ridge. Even now she was in bed while Bobby and the children were still downstairs.

The hot flash that she experienced while at the funeral home the day before had shaken Annie. She didn't have many now that she was taking the birth control pills, and when she did have one it wasn't too bad. But the one yesterday had been strong, so strong that even Bobby noticed. She felt a flush of guilt at his concern that she was ill and embarrassment over her inability to tell him what was happening. Was she really afraid that if he knew menopause was looming, Bobby would dump her for a younger woman? Ridiculous! Yet if she was completely honest with herself, she had to admit that for the first time in her marriage she was insecure about her husband's feelings for her, and for the first time in her life she was insecure about what growing older would mean for her marriage. She felt foolish for her doubts, but she couldn't deny them. So she kept her secret for just a little longer, putting off the inevitable discussion she needed to have with Bobby.

Sighing once again, Annie pushed all her worries out of her mind and closed her eyes, allowing the emptiness of sleep to claim her.

**Thursday May 24**

Mike eyed the beer bottles sitting in his refrigerator and almost reached for one, but instead pulled out a bottle of water. He knew he had been drinking more than normal lately and thought maybe it was time to cut back. Since the night Jimmy Deakins had come to get him at Peter J's he had not been drunk, but he still had a beer or two at home or a couple of Scotches at the bar almost every night. The mild fuzziness it gave his brain eased the sharp edges that memories of Sarah and Jia Li evoked.

Sarah….even her name instantly brought her face into focus; laughing at something he said, or etched with desire when he made love to her, or sleepily content on the rare occasions they had been able to spend an entire night together. He wondered, as he twisted the cap off the bottle and took a long drink of the cold water, would she be at the funeral tomorrow? Probably, he concluded, walking into the living room and settling at his desk. Her connection to the Gorens through her uncle, as well as her own friendship with them, made it likely that she would attend. He doubted that she would bring Jia Li, though, since the little girl had never met Goren's mother and might find the service and the grief of her friends confusing.

Mike would be there, along with Wheeler and most of the detectives from the Major Case Squad. Strange…Goren had a reputation for being a loner, for not playing well with others, in spite of his successful partnership with Eames. Yet everyone wanted to show their support and respect for the big detective. Jimmy Deakins would be there, he knew. And Mike heard that Ron Carver would be there, as well. Carolyn Barek called him just before he left work that day, to say that she would attend. She was going to meet Mike and Wheeler at One PP and ride over with them.

Mike shuffled through the bills he needed to pay, his mind on the funeral and on seeing Sarah. Would they be standing near one another? Would she speak to him? What would he say if she did? Mike wasn't sure he could trust himself to talk to her…his pain was too raw, his anger too fresh. More than anything, he was afraid that simply the sight of her or the sound of her voice would drive him to crush her against him and beg her to reconsider.

Letting out a deep breath, Mike opened a drawer, searching for a pen. He froze as he recognized Sarah's neat handwriting. "Mike and Jia Li Central Park Summer 2006". He gingerly picked the picture up, knowing what it was without looking. He hadn't seen this picture since he threw it against the wall. He remembered the sound of shattering glass, but the next morning the frame and picture were gone. He had assumed that he destroyed them both and Jimmy cleaned them up and discarded them.

His breath caught in his throat as he turned it over and saw himself and Jia Li. So he hadn't destroyed the picture, after all. It was fine, except for a crease in the corner. Looking at Jia Li's laughing face, the way her head tilted and rested against his, her small arm around his neck…memories of that day washed over him with such force he thought for a moment it might push him from the chair. All the memories rushed in; Jia Li climbing into his lap with a book, Sarah making dinner in his small kitchen, Jia Li's small arms around his neck whispering, "Know what, 'Tective Mike?" as she prepared to tell him a secret, Sarah's arms wrapped around him for entirely different reasons as she cried out in passion.

The tightness and pain in his chest made him wonder briefly if he was having a heart attack. But no…this was no medical emergency. It was grief and sorrow, tearing his heart, twisting his gut. Grief and sorrow over the loss of two people who, for such a brief time and for the first time in his memory, brought meaning and sense to his life. Dropping the picture on the desk, Mike covered his face with his hands. Mike Logan hadn't cried since he was a child, having learned early that tears only made his mother beat him harder. He hadn't cried when his father died, certainly hadn't cried when his mother died. He hadn't even cried when Lennie Briscoe died. But the tears came now, roiling up from deep within his heart, hot and bitter. Laying his head on the desk he let the sobs rack his body, shaking him with their force.

Mike had no idea how long he sat there and cried, but when his tears were finally spent, he lay quietly letting the memories of Sarah and Jia Li play through his mind. Finally taking a deep, shuddering breath, he sat up. Pushing the bills into a drawer to wait for another day, Mike reached and picked up the picture. He looked at it for long minutes, remembering every detail of the day. Setting the picture gently back on the desk, propped against the lamp so that it stood up, he wiped his face and rose to his feet. He would buy another frame and put the picture back on the shelf where it belonged. Losing Sarah and Jia Li was the most painful thing that had every happened to him, more painful, even, than the physical and emotional abuse heaped on him by his alcoholic mother. But he realized that he didn't regret loving them, that he would do it again in an instant, even knowing how it would turn out. He would find a way to live with the ache and the emptiness, but he would not allow bitterness to tinge the joyful memories Sarah and Jia Li had given him.

Bobby paced through the dark, silent house. Even Sandy had abandoned him to curl up in her bed in the kitchen. Annie had been asleep for hours. Since Mom's death, she had been exhausted, falling asleep quickly and easily. He wondered if it was just the stress and lost sleep of the last few weeks or if she really was getting sick. She hadn't seemed to have any more episodes of the fever that had come and gone so quickly on Tuesday, but he speculated anyway if she was ill and that was why her body seemed to crave so much sleep.

Guilt….he couldn't remember a time in his life that guilt wasn't a constant companion. Failure had followed him, always reminding him that for every success he had with his career, with his marriage, with his children, nothing could erase his failure to rescue his father, his mother, his brother. Now only his brother was left and the failure seemed complete as he tried to reach Frank. He knew without any trace of doubt that Frank would not be in attendance at their mother's funeral the next day, and Bobby found he just couldn't care anymore. Going down to his office, he settled on the leather couch, not bothering to turn on a light as he contemplated that even the areas of his life that had been his salvation amidst the devastation, were now falling apart.

His career? No matter how many perps he helped to bring to justice, two had bested him. Nicole Wallace was still free to seduce and kill. And Mark Ford Brady…he might be dead, but Bobby would always know, always remember, that Brady had played him and brought him to his knees.

His marriage? The fabric of his life with Annie had been ripped to shreds in the last few years, and it seemed unlikely that it would ever be whole again. He was keeping a deep and dark secret from her that he was afraid to face himself. And he knew that there was something she was keeping from him, something she would not, could not, share. They were living in the same home, sleeping in the same bed, but would they ever truly be "one" again?

His children? He knew he had hurt them tremendously when he left. They were happy to have him home, but the crisis with his mother had swept all the trauma of those months under the rug. Once things settled down, he was afraid of how their pain and anger might manifest. More than that, he was afraid he had caused irreparable damage to these children who meant the world to him.

Bobby sighed and rubbed his eyes. He was tired, bone tired. He had slept little since his mother's death. In just a few hours, they would be laying her to rest. He closed his eyes and wondered…had she found peace at last? Lying alone in the darkness, surrounded by the books that had provided refuge so often, he covered his eyes with one arm and drifted into a restless sleep.

**Friday May 25**

Sounds seeped into his consciousness. City traffic, doors slamming, women yelling at children, men yelling at women, somewhere two men were swearing as they fought, a fist connected somewhere on a body and those sounds ceased. His nose picked up the distinct odor of stale sweat and urine. He could tell it was daylight, but was reluctant to open his eyes and let the sun pierce them. His mouth felt like cotton and his head throbbed. He slowly became aware of a weight across his abdomen, making it difficult to take a deep breath. He shifted and heard a soft moan. Covering his eyes with his arm he slowly opened his eyes, letting them adjust to the light.

Looking down he saw that the weight was a woman, a nude woman, lying across him. She was blond, but he couldn't see her face. He reached down and lifted her hair out of the way, but didn't recognize her. He realized he was naked as well. Obviously he had spent the night with this mystery woman. Comfortable with the light now, he glanced around but had no idea where he was. This was not his apartment, it must be hers. He didn't even know where in the city he was.

He slipped his hands under her arms and shifted her off of his body. She groaned in protest but didn't awaken. Rubbing his face he rolled onto his side and looked at the floor next to the bed. His clothing, and hers, were strewn around the room. He spied his cell phone just peeking out from under the bed and reached for it. Flipping it open, he checked the date. Friday May 25.

_Four days since Mom died_, Frank thought. His memory of the last four days was hazy, at best. When he left Carmel Ridge that morning he headed back to the city and went straight to his dealer. Since that day, there were only flashes of images. He had no idea how he ended up here…wherever "here" was. Or how he ended up with her…whoever she was. He tried to focus on the cell phone that Bobby had bought for him when Mom moved out of the hospital and back to Carmel Ridge…to die. Ten voice mail messages. Fifteen text messages. He could guess who they were from.

One of the vague memories he had was waking up Tuesday morning to find a message from Bobby that Mom was gone and another one asking him to meet them at the funeral home to make plans. _Pass_, he thought. He hadn't checked any of the messages since. He had no idea if he had already missed the funeral, but he had no plans to go. Mom was dead. He had no desire to say goodbye, for closure. Bobby and Annie could do all that crap. And tell each other how sad they were for poor Frank, for his wasted life. The only person who believed in his potential was gone.

He stretched out and pulled his pants over to him, checking the pockets. It was there…good. Mom's engagement ring. He knew when she gave it to him that she expected him to sell it, but he hadn't been able to. He used the money she had given him to buy drugs, but the ring…he couldn't part with her ring. It occurred to him how easily he could have lost it in the haze of drugs over the last few days. He needed to put it someplace safe. He rolled from the bed and pulled on his clothes. The plastic bag containing small pieces of crystal was lying under the bed, next to the glass pipe. The pipe wasn't his…it must be hers. But the drugs…was that his, or hers? Shrugging, Frank reached down and scooped the bag up and stuffed it in his pocket. He would take care of the ring, make sure it was safe. And then he would make use of this little bag.

Alex felt Tom's comforting presence behind her, close but not touching. She stood watching, feeling as though she were on duty guarding some VIP. She didn't really expect trouble, but she knew that funerals had a way of bringing together a mixture of people who might otherwise avoid one another. They also had a way of bringing simmering family tensions to the surface. Of course, the one person she most feared a problem with didn't seem to be in attendance. Alex knew that Annie and Bobby had both tried numerous times to reach Frank with no success. He had not made an appearance and it seemed unlikely that he would. She felt a brief flare of protective anger for her partner. For all the difficulty of his relationship with his brother, she knew that Bobby wanted to share his grief with his brother.

She watched as two more people drawn to this place out of mutual friendship with the Gorens studiously avoided one another. Mike Logan stood with Wheeler and Barek and the rest of the Major Case Squad detectives. Sarah stood on the other side of the crowd of people, as far away as possible, with Jimmy and Angie Deakins. It was obvious that Mike and Sarah were trying, and failing, not to look at each other. Sarah stayed in place, talking to her aunt even as she watched her uncle out of the corner of her eye. Jimmy walked across to Mike and the other detectives, shaking hands, speaking softly, then returning to Sarah's side. Then it was Mike's turn to pretend not to watch as his current and former partners both walked over and greeted Sarah.

Before he returned to where Sarah and Angie were waiting, Jimmy Deakins made one more stop to greet his replacement, Danny Ross. Ross was standing near, but not quite with, the detectives from his squad. Next to him was Elizabeth Rodgers. Alex's eyes narrowed in contemplation as she watched them. They were standing slightly apart from everyone else and were speaking in low tones together. Alex couldn't remember ever seeing them talk to one another outside of the reports the medical examiner gave during cases. It had never occurred to her that they might be friends outside of work. Yet right now they seemed very comfortable together in a decidedly non-work setting.

She saw that Annie's family was on hand. All of her relatives must have made the drive from Connecticut. Alex recognized Annie's grandfather, but didn't know the rest of them; aunts, uncles, cousins, children…they all seemed to be there.

How strange that Bobby, Annie, and their children were the only relatives of Frances in attendance. There really was quite a crowd gathering, but except for a few nurses and residents from Carmel Ridge, everyone was there because of a connection, not to the deceased, but to her son. Did Bobby realize how many people truly cared about him?

Alex stiffened as she saw a man hug Bobby and speak with him earnestly, then turn in her direction. He made his way slowly, obviously intending to speak to her. She didn't know why it surprised her to see him. He and Bobby were close; of course he would attend the funeral of his protégé's mother. But it really hadn't occurred to her that he would be there; certainly not that she would have to face him. A wave of nausea swept over her as she watched him. She hadn't seen him since…

"Detective," he said, coming to a halt in front of her.

Alex felt the gentlest brush of Tom's fingers on her elbow and reached back gratefully to clasp his hand.

"Mr. Gage," she replied evenly.

"I'm afraid I never had the opportunity to tell you how truly sorry I am for what my daughter did to you."

Her expression didn't change, she didn't flinch, didn't lower her gaze. She looked Declan Gage in the eyes and said, "Thank you. But whatever her motivation, Jo was responsible for the things she did. You don't owe me an apology." As he opened his mouth to speak, Alex cut him off. "I really think right now we just need to concern ourselves with being here to support Bobby."

Declan looked as though he were going to say something but thought better of it. He nodded to her and to Tom, whom Alex didn't bother to introduce, and turned to walk away. Alex watched him and let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. She gave Tom's hand a gentle squeeze to thank him. She pushed thoughts of Declan and Jo Gage away and smiled in genuine delight as another man made his way towards her.

"Detective."

"Counselor," Alex said. "I'm glad you were able to make it. We haven't seen much of you this last year."

Ron Carver chuckled. "No, I'm afraid not. I told Arthur Branch once that I had no interest in being a bureau chief, but when he offered the position to me a second time it seemed foolish to turn it down. However, I must admit that I miss the…ah…intriguing cases that you and your partner always seemed to bring to me."

Alex laughed with him and then turned to introduce him to Tom. Carver stayed next to Alex and Tom as the priest stepped forward to begin the service. Despite keeping watch over all the people and activity, Alex was mainly focused on her partner. She had kept an eye on him since he arrived, watching to see how he handled all of this. Though there were no tears, she had never seen his face radiating such pain and grief. He moved around from group to group, thanking people for coming, shaking hands, accepting hugs. But his left hand never lost contact with Annie. Whether he was holding her hand or her elbow, or resting his hand on her waist, he was touching her constantly. Annie, without bringing attention to this, did all she could to maintain the contact, too. When she pulled her hand from his to shake hands or hug someone, she moved into his space so that his arm was lightly around her. In spite of the somber circumstances, Alex was happy to see that Bobby and Annie still had that connection, that unspoken understanding of one another's needs.

Bobby, Annie, and the children sat down in the first row of chairs and people began to sit as well. Tom, Alex, and Ron Carver remained standing at the back. The service was brief. Alex knew that Annie attended a Protestant church and that Bobby hadn't attended a Catholic church in years. But his mother was Catholic so it was important to him to have a priest perform the service, however simple. She couldn't see Bobby's face as the priest gave a short sermon of comfort and hope, but she could see that he was still holding Annie's hand. On his other side, Ally was sitting next to her father, holding her violin on her lap. The priest finished his comments and announced there would be a song from Annie, accompanied by Ally. Alex watched as Annie brought their clasped hands to her lips and gently kissed Bobby's hand before releasing it and standing up. She could see Bobby's profile as he turned to look at Ally when she stood with her violin. He gave her a small smile of encouragement and then Annie and Ally moved to the front.

It was obvious that they were both nervous and emotional as the first notes from both the violin and Annie's voice quavered a bit. But they gained strength as they continued, Annie's sweet, clear voice framed by the melancholy strains of the violin.

"_When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,  
When sorrows like sea billows roll;  
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,_

_It is well, it is well, with my soul. _

"_It is well, with my soul,  
It is well, it is well, with my soul."_

Alex wondered if it was well with her partner's soul. She hoped his mother had finally found peace, and that Bobby would find it, too.

"_Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,  
Let this blest assurance control,  
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,  
And hath shed His own blood for my soul._

"_It is well, with my soul,  
It is well, it is well, with my soul._

"_For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:  
If Jordan above me shall roll,  
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life  
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul._

"_It is well, with my soul,  
It is well, it is well, with my soul._

"_But, Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,  
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;  
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!  
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!_

"_It is well, with my soul,  
It is well, it is well, with my soul."_

Although they were outside, Annie's voice and Ally's violin were the only sounds. Even from where she stood, Alex could see tears streaming down Ally's face but she never wavered as she played. Annie seemed to have forgotten where she was as she raised her face and one hand toward heaven, eyes closed, and her voice rang out over the cemetery.

"_And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,  
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;  
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,  
Even so, it is well with my soul._

"_It is well, with my soul,  
It is well, it is well, with my soul." __******_

There was hushed silence as the last mournful note of the violin died out. Ally couldn't contain her soft sob any longer and she stepped into her mother's embrace, crying quietly against her shoulder. She pulled away and turned towards her father, who was already standing and opening his arms to her. Holding her violin in one hand and the bow in the other hand, Ally was crushed against her father's broad chest as he whispered soothing words to her. She sat down as Annie made her way back to the chairs, leaning down to gently kiss the tops of her sons' heads as Andrew and Phillip tried not to show their tears. Annie slid into the seat next to Bobby and he stretched his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. He lowered his head until they were cheek to cheek and he whispered in her ear. Alex could see Annie nod her head, eyes closed, and reach one hand up to cup Bobby's cheek.

The priest stepped forward for the final prayer. Alex looked around and saw women openly dabbing tears and men surreptitiously wiping their own eyes. Once the prayer was finished, the funeral director invited everyone to file by to pay their respects to the family. Alex, Tom, and Ron Carver made their way to the end of the line that was forming and talked quietly as they waited their turns to speak to the Gorens.

Alex hugged each of the children and Annie while Tom and Carver shook Bobby's hand and offered their condolences. Then Alex Eames did something she had never done before…she hugged her partner. Bobby squeezed her tightly against him for a moment before pulling away to look down at her.

"Thank you, Alex," he said softly. "Thank you for everything."

Hearing her first name from his lips sounded foreign. Looking up into his face, she saw not only grief but fatigue etched in the lines around his eyes. So, he still wasn't sleeping.

Sitting in her desk at One Police Plaza was the yellow legal notepad that Captain Ross had given her the day Bobby's mother died. The notepad that Mark Ford Brady's lawyer had delivered, saying it was a "birthday gift" from Brady to Goren. Every page of the notepad was filled with Brady's writing and drawings, detailing every woman he had raped and/or murdered since he returned from Germany in the early '60's until his arrest in 1992. Seeing Bobby now, Alex knew she was right not to give the notepad to him just yet. She would wait; give him time to regain his equilibrium, before sharing it with him.

"Sarah, honey, put that tray down. Go out there and socialize."

Sarah smiled at Annie's friend and neighbor. Janey and her family had skipped the funeral in order to stay at the Gorens' house and make sure everything was ready. Enough food had been brought in that Sarah suspected Bobby and Annie would not need to cook for a week, even after all the people gathered today were done eating.

"I'm fine, Janey," she said. "Really. I don't know a lot of people here, so I'm happier helping out in here."

She didn't add that she was much more comfortable in the kitchen, where she was less likely to run into Mike. She stayed hidden as much as possible, dreading the inevitable moment when they would come face to face. It was easier to avoid him at the cemetery, but here in the confines of the house, with people pressing around her, she knew that it was just a matter of time before he came to the kitchen for food.

She had stayed as far away from him as possible during the funeral, but couldn't seem to stop herself from glancing at him, trying to gauge his mood. Once, during Annie and Ally's song, she looked across at his profile. He was watching Annie and Ally intently and the slight breeze ruffled his dark hair. She couldn't tear her glance away and stood gazing at him for long minutes, her eyes filling with tears of longing and regret. Slowly he turned his head and suddenly they were staring at one another. He was too far away for her to make out his expression. What was he feeling? Was he still angry? Did he hate her? Sarah felt a spasm of pain around her heart at that thought, but knew that he had every right. She couldn't move, couldn't look away, couldn't breathe as he held her gaze. Then the song ended and they both shifted their glances to the front.

"Sarah," Annie said, coming into the kitchen and giving her a hug. "I can't thank you enough for helping Janey and Rob."

"Oh, I haven't done very much," Sarah said, nodding toward Janey. "Janey is the one who deserves all the credit."

Janey moved to stand next to Annie and put her arm around her friend's shoulders. Annie sighed and rested her head on Janey's shoulder for a moment.

"I know. I don't know what I would do without Janey." Heaving a deep sigh and straightening up, she asked Sarah, "Would you mind taking one of those sandwiches out to Bobby? I don't think he's eaten all day and he's less likely to turn you down than his wife."

Sarah smiled. "Of course. And you can sit down here and have one, too."

Annie chuckled and said, "OK, yes…I'll eat something, too. Thank you, Sarah." She watched Sarah put a sandwich and some cut-up pieces of fruit on a paper plate. "And don't take no for an answer," she called.

Sarah looked around the living room as she made her way towards Bobby. She still hadn't seen Mike. Good. She would deliver Bobby's sandwich and then escape back into the kitchen.

"I brought a sandwich for you," she said after giving Bobby a hug.

"Oh, thank you, Sarah," he told her. "But I'm really not hungry."

"Detective," she said, putting her hand on his forearm and looking up at him earnestly. "Have I ever shown you the large section on nutrition that we have in the library?"

"Nutrition," he asked, looking down curiously at her hand on his arm. "No…no, I don't think I've ever seen it."

"It's quite extensive. And you know, something the authors all seem to agree on is the importance of good nutrition during times of stress."

She looked up at him innocently and he grinned as he reached for the plate.

"Well, then…who am I to ignore the advice of so many experts? Thank you, Sarah."

Sarah smiled at him and tugged on his arm to pull him down and place a kiss on his cheek. Her mission accomplished, she sighed with relief and made her way towards the kitchen as quickly as she could. Passing behind Captain Ross, she stopped for a moment when she heard him ask Carolyn Barek if she had seen Logan and Wheeler.

"They aren't here," Carolyn told the captain. "They went back to One PP from the cemetery. I rode over here with Riche."

Sarah wasn't sure if it was relief or disappointment that flooded through her.

Mike nodded at the janitor passing by his desk and sighed, rubbing his temple. Wheeler had gone home an hour earlier, and the last of the day shift detectives were straggling out. Mike had stayed at his desk, going over files, dreading returning to his quiet apartment. Especially tonight, after having seen Sarah at the cemetery. He glanced at his watch and realized that she must have gone home hours ago.

After the funeral, he asked Wheeler if she minded skipping the whole reception thing at the Gorens' and just going straight back to work. His partner understood his reasons and agreed. He thought back to that moment when he looked around to find Sarah staring at him. He couldn't see her face, couldn't guess what she was thinking. Was she regretting breaking up with him? Wishing for another chance? Or thanking her lucky stars she had gotten out when she did?

"Crap," he muttered, shoving papers into the folder and slamming it closed. It was no use trying to concentrate. Still unwilling to go home just yet, he decided that he would stop at Peter J's for a drink. Or two. Or however many it took to erase that image from his mind of Sarah standing across the cemetery staring at him.

Annie walked softly down the stairs. The house was dark and quiet. Finally. There had been so many people at the funeral and then at the house. It was gratifying to see so much support for Bobby, but it had been a tiring day without much time to just talk to him and gauge how he was feeling. She paused on the landing for a moment to watch him. Bobby was sitting on the sofa, a glass of Scotch in his hand. She thought about one of the quiet moments that Grandpa had found to sit with Bobby earlier in the evening. She saw them through the kitchen window, sitting on the back porch holding glasses of iced tea, and heard the low murmur of voices. She didn't hear what they said but Bobby seemed peaceful, sitting out there in the dark with Grandpa. He looked up and smiled at her as she walked around and sat on the coffee table, her knees touching his.

"I should tell you something," she said.

Bobby reached over to put his glass on the table next to her and leaned forward, taking her hands in his.

"OK."

Annie took a deep breath. "I went to One PP. Last Saturday…while you were in Pennsylvania interviewing Brady."

Bobby looked at her in surprise. "Why?"

"I was worried about you and I wanted to find out why this case was so important. I talked to Alex and Captain Ross…asked them what was so important about Mark Ford Brady that it was keeping you away….from your mother."

"And?"

"And…they told me. About Mom and Brady…their relationship…the car accident when you were four….about your suspicions that there wasn't really a car accident at all." Bobby's hands tightened on hers but he didn't answer. Finally she asked softly, "Is it true? Did he….did he rape her?"

He looked at her for a moment before nodding his head and whispering, "Yeah."

He lowered his eyes to stare at their hands, resting on his knees. Several minutes passed in silence before he looked up at her with a haunted expression.

"Annie? I miss my Mom."

"Oh Babe…."

Bobby pulled her off the coffee table and onto the sofa, straddling his lap. Her arms went around his neck as he wrapped his tightly around her waist. Lowering his head to rest on her chest, tears slipped down his cheeks and he began to cry for the first time since his mother's death. Annie held him as he sobbed softly, rocking gently, his tears wetting the front of her tee shirt. When he couldn't cry anymore, he just held her, feeling her heart beneath his cheek. Finally sitting up, he kept his hands on her hips as she reached out to wipe his wet cheeks.

"I can't believe Captain Ross talked to you about a case," he said, his voice husky from his tears.

"Well…." Annie blushed. "I…uh…I was…I can be….persuasive."

Bobby smiled and cupped her face between his hands. "Yes…yes, you can be," he said, chuckling.

Annie giggled and Bobby pulled her towards him to kiss her. His lips touched hers gently and when she opened her mouth to him, his tongue slipped inside. His hand went to the back of her head and tangled in her hair as the kiss deepened, pulling her more firmly against him. Annie moaned softly into his mouth and held him tightly. Ending the kiss, he began to leave soft baby kisses along her mouth, down her throat. He stopped for a moment to kiss and lick the sensitive hollow of her throat before moving lower.

"How long has it been since we made love," he growled softly.

"I'm not sure exactly…I think it's been….oh!" Annie gasped as his tongue delved into the valley between her breasts. "I think it's….been….approx….approximately….twenty-one days….and…..two hours…..and….and….sixteen….minutes…. More or less. Oh! Bobby!"

She groaned and arched as he kissed her nipple through her shirt. His hands went to her hips and she began to grind her pelvis against him. Lifting his head he looked into her half-closed eyes.

"Zu lange, meine Liebe. Zu lange," he whispered. _*******_

Annie slid off his lap and they both stood. Taking his hand, she turned and led the way up the stairs to their bedroom.

"G'night, Pete," Mike said as he left the bar.

He made his way along the sidewalk, heading for his apartment. He ended up having only one drink, realizing that there wasn't enough alcohol in Peter J's to wipe Sarah from his mind. Lost in thought, he didn't notice the woman with the dog until the dog's leash hit his thighs. Suddenly he was wrapped in the leash as the woman laughingly tried to extricate him. Once he was free she asked him if he was alright and he assured her that he was. Mike looked at the attractive young woman, but only got a glimpse of light brown hair and green eyes before her high energy dog dragged her away. He smiled in amusement and turned to go home.

**End chapter 22**

_**** **__**It Is Well**_

_Horatio G. Spafford_

_***** **__**"Too long, my Love. Too long."**_

18


	23. Chapter 23

**DECONSTRUCTION**

_I'm sorry it has taken so long to get this chapter done. But here it is…the last chapter of Deconstruction…the last chapter of season 6. This chapter is set around the episode Renewal. Since most of you have seen the episode and know the story, I didn't spend much time retelling it. I just fit my characters in and around specific scenes. If the last scene with Logan and Wheeler seems familiar, it's because it was originally a one-shot I wrote for a challenge on the USA message board. I thought it fit into this story, so I tweaked it a bit and added it._

_As some of you know, November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) and I am going to join in…and try to write 50,000 words in 30 days. This is an original story I will be working on, so my season 7 story is going to have to wait until December. I'm not making any promises on how quickly I will get season 7 written, but I do have a few scenes and chapters written already. _

_Thank you again to Judyg for beta'ing and letting me bounce ideas around. And thank you to everyone who continues to read. _

**CHAPTER 23**

_My eyes open slowly and I see something rare….daylight floods the bedroom as I awaken. I cannot remember the last time the sun was up before me. I'm not sure of the time, but this has to be the latest I have slept in years….certainly the most sleep I've had in the last year. The strange thing is that I don't have any compulsion to roll over and find out what time it is, or to even get up just yet. I am stretching lazily when the door opens softly and Annie's face appears, smiling when she sees I am awake. _

"_Good morning sleepyhead," she teases. How many times have I said those words to her over the years? I smile back at her._

"_Where are the kids," I ask._

"_Downstairs," she answers, slipping into the room and closing the door. She stays by the door, leaning against the wall. She is barefoot, wearing denim shorts and a white, sleeveless shirt that buttons down the front. I turn onto my side and prop myself up on my elbow._

"_Lock the door and come here." _

_Annie blushes at my command, but locks the door and moves across the room, slipping into the bed next to me. _

"_Why?" Her voice is a whisper._

"_Because," I tell her, pushing her onto her back and leaning over her. "I want to wake up the same way I went to sleep last night."_

_Still propped on my left elbow, I thread the fingers of my right hand through her short, blond hair and lean down to kiss her. She opens her mouth to me with a sigh and wraps her arms around me. Our kiss is slow, unhurried, gently exploring. The kiss ends and I lift my head to look down at her while she reaches up and traces the lines of my face with her finger. I close my fingers around her wrist and kiss her palm, then push her arm up and clasp her wrist in my left hand, trapping it above her head and leaving my right hand free to caress her. Her other arm is caught under me, so now she is helpless and can only lie there as I kiss her again and run my hand over her body. Annie moans into my mouth and arches into my hand, wiggling her hips against the mattress. One leg tries to pull me on top of her. My lips move from her mouth to her cheeks, her eyes, below her ears, that oh-so-sensitive hollow of her throat. I unbutton her shirt and my lips and my tongue move lower, tracing her breast along the edge of her bra. Annie's face and chest are flushed and she is breathing deeply, eyes closed. I capture her nipple through her bra as my hand moves across her abdomen, her waist, and unfastens her shorts. She is moaning softly now, her legs opening in invitation. I slip my hand beneath her panties and her moans become louder as I touch her flesh. _

_But something is wrong. I release her nipple and lift my head to look down at her, my hand cupping her. She opens her eyes, dark with passion, and returns my gaze. _

"_Bobby…" she breathes, thrusting herself against my hand._

_I part her folds and slide a finger into her. Her eyes widen with surprise and she gasps…in pain. Annie is not ready for me…she is not wet. I remove my hand and we stare at one another for a moment. In all the years of our marriage, this has never happened. There have been times that we did not have sex; the first few months of her pregnancies, when she was plagued with morning sickness; the weeks following the birth of our children, with Annie being as anxious, or more, as I was for the end of our enforced celibacy; in the months following the attack and the loss of our baby; and, of course, after she was stuck with the AIDS-infected needle. But my wife has always had a sexual appetite to match my own. No matter who initiates it, she is quickly ready…wet before I even touch her. _

_I release her wrist and lower my forehead to hers with a sigh._

"_If you didn't want to make love, you could have just told me," I tell her._

"_But…I did…I do," she protests, reaching for me._

_I pull away and roll out of bed._

"_I should get a shower and get dressed."_

"_Bobby…." _

_I don't hear what else she has to say as I step into the bathroom and close the door._

**Saturday May 25**

Annie was folding laundry when Bobby came downstairs after his shower. She watched him as he went to the kitchen and made himself some toast and coffee. She knew she had hurt his feelings earlier but wasn't sure how to make it right, how to assure him that she did want to make love. That had never happened to her before and she was at a loss to explain it now. Unless….she remembered now. One of the symptoms of menopause, or perimenopause…vaginal dryness. Of course. Annie closed her eyes and sighed. Maybe it was time to talk to Bobby. She folded the last towel and added it to the pile, and walked into the kitchen. Bobby was sitting at the table, taking a last bite of toast. Annie sat down across from him. A friend of Ally's had invited her to go with her family to Coney Island for the day and Annie was glad she was getting out and having fun; the funeral had been emotional for her. Annie could hear Phillip and Andrew in the backyard, laughing.

"Bobby…I'm sorry."

Bobby set his coffee cup down and reached across the table to squeeze her hand.

"Babe…don't," he said softly. "It's not important."

"But I…."

"Have you seen Mom's ring," he interrupted.

"Mom's ring?" Annie frowned. "You mean her engagement ring?"

"Yeah...I've been looking through her things and I can't find it. I was hoping that you had put it away somewhere…you know…so that Frank wouldn't find it."

"Oh," she said. "No…I haven't seen it, either. I hadn't even thought about it until now." She looked at him. "Do you think Frank….?"

Bobby nodded. "That's exactly what happened," he said grimly. "Frank took it and sold it for drugs."

"I'm sorry…I should have thought of it, should have hidden it. I know Mom gave him money sometimes when he was there. I just didn't think about the ring."

"It's not your fault," Bobby told her. "You had a lot on your plate. I'm the one who should have done something about it. If I had been around more…maybe it would have occurred to me. I just thought…." He paused and smiled sadly at her. "I thought Frank and I were finally connecting. He was so…attentive. To Mom, to you. I guess I was hoping things had changed."

"I was too, Babe," she whispered, squeezing his hand. "Maybe we could find Frank…find out who he sold it to, or where he pawned it. Maybe we could get it back."

"No," Bobby said firmly. "I'm done, Annie. I'm done with him." Annie didn't answer, didn't know how to answer. They sat in silence, holding hands across the table for several minutes. "Mom asked me when I turned so gray," he finally said softly, smiling at her again.

Annie smiled and was about to answer when the door slammed open and the twins ran into the kitchen.

"Dad!" Phillip exclaimed. "Can we go to the park and play catch?"

Bobby smiled across at Annie before turning to his sons.

"Sure, guys," he said. "Let's go to the park."

**Monday May 28**

"I haven't had a chance to talk to you and tell you how sorry I am that you and Mike broke up," Annie told Sarah. They were having lunch at a diner near the library.

"You've had a lot going on, Annie." Sarah smiled sadly at her across the table. "But don't worry…Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Angie have already told me what a fool I am." She looked down at her plate and added softly, "And they are right…I am a fool."

"One thing I know about you is that you are definitely no fool," Annie said firmly.

"Just a coward?"

Annie sighed. "I know we have talked about what it's like being married to a cop. It's true that it's scary and difficult…and maybe not everyone can do it. Only you know what you can handle. If there's one thing I've learned in the last year it's that no one can truly know what is right for another person."

"And what if you realize you've made a terrible mistake?" Sarah's voice was almost a whisper and she looked as though she were about to burst into tears.

"Then you talk to him," Annie said softly.

Sarah shook her head. "I can't. Mike made it clear that if I broke up with him, there wouldn't be another chance…that this is it."

"Maybe Mike made a mistake, too. You won't know unless you talk to him."

Sarah didn't answer and they ate in silence for several minutes. When Sarah felt she could speak again, she changed the subject and Annie let it go.

"Jia Li begged and begged me to take her to 'Miss Annie's church'," Sarah told her. "I finally gave in and took her, and we've gone back again. I really like the church…everyone is so friendly. And the sermons…they just…they make sense to me."

"I'm glad you like it," Annie said. "Hopefully the kids and I will be back soon."

"Bobby doesn't go with you? Does that bother you?"

Annie shook her head. "No…I accepted that when I began going church. He sometimes goes with us…holidays or special programs. Bobby has his own beliefs and just doesn't feel a need to go to church. But he's always been very supportive of my beliefs and my involvement in the church."

"When do you have to return to work?"

Annie sighed. "Tomorrow. It seems like I've been gone so long. It will be good to get back into a routine."

"And what about Bobby? How long is he going to be off work?"

"Captain Ross told him to take as long as he needs. I think another couple of weeks. I don't know exactly. I'm not sure Bobby knows right now."

"It's hard…losing a loved one."

"Yes," Annie agreed. "It's hard anytime. And Bobby has spent most of his life taking care of his mother. I think he's feeling kind of lost, not knowing what to do without her to worry about. He really doesn't even seem to be in much of a hurry to get back to work right now."

"Oh…I saw on the news that there's a new Chief of Detectives. Kenny Moran. Uncle Jimmy knows him…he didn't seem too enthusiastic about his appointment. But he didn't say why."

"I saw that, too. Bobby hasn't mentioned if he knows him; I don't even know if he has seen the news. I'm not sure if I've met Moran…maybe at some function. But I don't remember him."

The talk turned to their children as Annie and Sarah finished eating. When it was time for Sarah to return to work, they left the diner and hugged, promising to get together again soon.

Mike closed his front door and leaned against it for a moment, still feeling Holly's lips against his, still tasting her. She had agreed to meet him tomorrow night. She was pretty and interesting and he enjoyed talking to her at Peter J's. When she said she didn't know what it meant to be happy, Mike told her that he knew what it was. Pushing aside images of Sarah and Jia Li, Mike reached back to his childhood and a winter's night drive in his cousin's convertible. It was an uncomplicated, unfettered happiness unlike any he had ever known before or since, not even with Sarah and Jia Li. Mike sighed and pulled his jacket off, once again pushing away thoughts of the woman who had walked away from him. As he had done so many times since Sarah broke up with him, he told himself to let her go…once and for all.

_Face it, Logan_, he thought. _It's over, she's not coming back. But Holly is here. _

**Tuesday May 29**

Alex reached for the phone and dialed Bobby's cell phone.

"Goren," came the reply.

"Bobby, it's Eames. How are you?"

"I'm fine, thanks."

_Why don't I believe that,_ Alex thought.

"Hey, how about meeting me for lunch? I'm stuck in the office and I'm going crazy."

"Uh…thanks, Eames, but I don't think so. I'm….I'm going through Mom's things. Maybe another time."

"Well, OK," she said with a sigh. "But I have news….they've chosen a new Chief of Detectives."

"Yeah? That didn't take long…did Bradshaw's boy get it?"

Alex gave a snort of derision. "Goren, you have a lot to learn about letting people give you news. Yeah, Kenny Moran is the next Chief of D's."

"Ross better watch his back."

"Yeah…he may be OK."

"He's not as good at politics as Deakins was."

"Fat lot of good that did in the end," Alex muttered.

"That's because…in the end…Deakins put being a cop above being part of the 'good old boys' club. Ross is a good cop…eventually he's going to have to make that same choice."

Alex chuckled. "Well, it's good to know you boys are finally getting along."

"It just took some time to get used to one another's…uh….style."

Alex was glad to hear the smile in her partner's voice. Maybe Bobby was on the mend.

"I guess I should get back to work," she said. "Take care of yourself, Bobby."

"_Logan…hey, Major Case, help us out. You know the drill."_

The words slowly seeped into Mike's brain. He tried to tear his eyes away from Holly, from the blood pooled around her head on the ground, tried to look at the detectives, tried to draw on his training, tried to form a coherent thought. But he was dazed; all he could see was Holly's body, hear her voice, feel her lips against his. Slowly he turned his gaze to the two detectives, answered their questions, tried to make them understand that Holly couldn't have committed suicide.

Mike nearly attacked one of the detectives when he kept making jokes about Holly killing herself rather than going on a date with Mike. Finally he forced himself to leave. He knew that they had made up their minds about what happened. He noticed Holly's dog with a passerby who had stopped to see the gruesome scene. Mike took Marvin's leash, saying that he would keep the dog until the family arrived. As Mike walked Marvin around the corner and up to his apartment, snippets of Holly's conversation with him the night before ran through his head in a loop.

"_I looked you up. So…so I'd know who's down the hall. I feel safe already….The victims…the dead…they don't haunt you? Do you ever dream about them?...My mother taught me that the world was bound to break your heart…..I just have no idea what happiness is….I'm happy to know ya, Mike Logan."_

As they reached Mike's floor, Marvin automatically went to Holly's door and scratched. Mike looked at the dog sadly for a moment as he sat looking up at the door expectantly. He gently tugged on the leash and murmured softly as he led a confused Marvin to his own door.

Mike knew without any doubt that Holly could not have committed suicide. The woman he spent the evening with in the bar, the woman who smiled as she accepted his invitation for another date, the woman who had kissed him so eagerly just twenty four hours earlier…that woman could not have been suicidal. Something terrible had happened to her and somehow he was going to make the detectives investigating the case understand that.

**Wednesday May 30**

"OK, Jia Li, that's the last story," Sarah told her daughter. "It's time for you to say your prayers and go to sleep."

"Just one more story, Mommy? Please?"

Sarah smiled. Jia Li's pleas were hard to resist.

"No Ma'am," she said firmly. "Three stories are enough."

"Mommy?"

Sarah narrowed her eyes and folded her arms over her chest, expecting another delaying tactic. Maybe a request for a drink of water.

"Yes?"

"I miss 'Tective Mike," Jia Li said softly.

Sarah blinked back the tears that sprang to her eyes and tried to breathe around the tight band of grief that suddenly squeezed her chest. She put her arm around Jia Li and pulled her close.

"I know you do, Baby. I do too."

"Maybe if we tell 'Tective Mike that we miss him, he will come back."

"Oh Baby." Sarah wasn't sure what to say in the face of Jia Li's simple belief. "I wish it were that easy. I know you don't understand, but Detective Mike and I….it's just better for us not to be together."

"That doesn't make sense," Jia Li pronounced.

Sarah sighed. She had no idea how to explain this to Jia Li. She decided…again…to simply change the subject.

"Jia Li, you need to say your prayers and go to sleep."

Mother and daughter stared at one another for a moment and Sarah held her breath. Sometimes this worked and sometimes it led to more arguments and tears. Tonight it worked. Jia Li climbed off her bed, got on her knees, and clasped her hands in front of her. Sarah sighed as she listened to her daughter's prayers, and her seemingly endless list of people she wanted God to bless. Suddenly Jia Li stopped and opened her eyes to look at her mother.

"Is it OK if I pray for 'Tective Mike," she asked in a small voice.

The tears threatened again as Sarah swallowed and nodded.

"Of course it is, Sweetie. You can always pray for him."

Jia Li closed her eyes again.

"And please bless 'Tective Mike and keep him safe."

Once Jia Li's prayers were finished, Sarah tucked her into bed and kissed her. Finally she made it safely to her own bedroom and closed the door, not bothering to turn on the light. Sinking onto her bed in the dark, Sarah succumbed to the tears she had been holding back.

**Thursday May 31**

"_We'll follow up on Monday." "I am going home to my wife and kids. If you had a family, you'd understand." "Logan, what is with you and this girl? Were you banging her?"_

They wouldn't listen; Mike had given Fry and Komsta the evidence that Holly…Kathleen…was hiding from her abusive and obsessed ex-husband, but still they wouldn't listen. Komsta at least had tried to pacify Mike by saying they would follow up on the information on Monday. Fry made no secret of his disregard. His mind was made up that Kathleen had committed suicide and he wasn't interested in any other theories. When he once again taunted Mike about his relationship with the dead girl, Mike lunged at him and they were separated by Komsta and the other cops who were present in the locker room.

As Mike made his way to the morgue to see if Rodgers had found anything that might have been missed in the autopsy, he couldn't help hearing Fry's words again. _"I am going home to my wife and kids. If you had a family, you'd understand." _ Pain tightened around his heart at the thought of Sarah and Jia Li, but Mike pushed the thoughts away. He told himself that he was not blowing this out of proportion; he was not obsessing about a dead woman to avoid thoughts of his own lost dreams of a family. He knew there was something there, and he knew that Kathleen's ex-husband was involved.

**Friday June 1**

Danny Ross sighed as he watched as Logan walked away from the interview room where they had been talking. He hoped that he hadn't made a mistake in allowing Logan to "unofficially" look into his neighbor's death. But he had learned to trust the detective and if he thought there was more to the story, there probably was. Elizabeth Rodgers had called him that morning, concerned about Logan.

The M.E. had a cynical, crusty demeanor, yet he found that she really did care about the victims she autopsied…and she cared about the living, as well. Ross had discovered that though she tried not to show it, she respected the detectives who came to her for information in their investigations…and that she had a soft spot for Mike Logan. He didn't know why that was, only that they had known one another years earlier when Mike was with the twenty-seventh precinct.

Rodgers told him about Logan asking her for a second opinion on the autopsy of Kathleen Shaw, and how shaken he seemed to be when she told him what she had found. There was no evidence that would characterize this as a murder and no proof that she had been raped, but "forced consensual sex" was certainly a possibility. While Kathleen died from the fall from the roof, she had suffered from malignant hypertension, caused by extreme stress…possibly the sex that Logan was convinced her ex-husband had forced on her. Whatever the truth, Ross hoped Logan didn't make him regret bending the rules to let him investigate.

His thoughts turned to Rodgers and the lunches they had shared in the cafeteria, which had led to two dinner dates. Ross didn't know where this was going, but he was finding that away from work, Elizabeth Rodgers was funny, with a dry sense of humor, and that they shared many interests. He enjoyed her company and they had a date for Saturday night to go see an off-Broadway play he had heard good things about.

His phone was ringing when he entered his office. He pushed aside thoughts of Rodgers and his interest in getting to know her better when he heard the voice of Chief of Detectives Bradshaw. Bradshaw was arranging a meeting the following week with the newly appointed Chief of Detectives, Kenny Moran. Bradshaw wanted to make the transition as smooth as possible. Ross noted the meeting on his calendar.

"_She feels safe living next to a cop."_

The fury in Mike's voice matched the rage in his heart as he pushed Julian against the wall and held his gun to the man's head. He could see Kathleen's broken body, the blood spreading like a halo onto the sidewalk around her head. This man was responsible. He may not have pushed her off that roof, but he raped her and the despair drove her to take her own life. Yes, Julian was responsible and he had to pay….Mike would see to it. How he wished Kathleen had confided in him, had let him help her while there was still time, while she was alive. She could have been free of Julian…Mike would have made it happen. But she didn't come to him and now it was too late. Kathleen was dead and Julian was here…at Mike's mercy. It wouldn't take much to make him confess to the rape.

Suddenly he saw Sarah's face when he told her how he had held a gun to the head of Max's killer and forced him to confess. He saw her shock and distaste, the way she looked at him as though she didn't know him. Mike had explained his grief and anger after Max's murder. Then he had explained that he wasn't proud of that moment in his life, explained that he had matured since then, he wasn't that same hothead cop. Yet here he was, with another perp against another wall, his gun held to his head. Had he lied to Sarah…to himself? Was he really the same man he had been all those years ago?

Mike put the gun away and pulled out his handcuffs. He told Julian he was under arrest for killing Kathleen. Julian's shock at hearing that she was dead prompted Mike to say, _**"**__What did you think would happen?" _before ushering the man out of Kathleen's apartment.

**Saturday June 2**

Annie tore lettuce and chopped vegetables for salad, glancing out the kitchen window from time to time. Bobby was out there, presiding over the barbeque, grilling hotdogs (beef for himself and the children, vegetarian for her). This past week had felt…odd. She went back to work, the children were in school…only Bobby's routine had changed. He was still on leave from work and he spent his days at home, reading mostly. At least that's what he told her when she asked. He rarely offered information unless asked. In fact, he rarely spoke. It was grief, she supposed. Everyone grieved in their own way. Bobby just seemed to close in on himself.

Not that Annie was talking about her own grief. Or her dissatisfaction with her job. She had resigned herself to continuing as a supervisor, knowing that the bills incurred for Frances' treatment meant that they needed her increased income. But after her time off, returning to her office and dealing with the meetings, schedules, and complaints from and about staff just made her miss her job in the ER even more. Annie shook her head and shook off her self-pity. _It is what it is,_ she thought.

Another subject they hadn't discussed was their failed attempt to make love the morning after the funeral. Bobby had taken it personally that Annie wasn't ready for him. She wanted to explain, had tried to find the right time to bring it up. But the time just never seemed right. She was at work all day and when she came home, the children were there, and then Bobby went to his office to read while she got ready for bed. She had to admit that she wasn't anxious to have this discussion, to say the word "perimenopausal". She sighed and looked at him again. _Tonight,_ she thought. Tonight she would finally have that talk, explain what was happening with her body. She had done a little research and bought a product that would help. Tonight she would talk to her husband and then they would make love. _And then,_ she thought, _everything will be OK._

Alex pushed open the front door to her sister's house and the sounds of family dinner washed over her. Several children jumped up from the children's table to hug Aunt Alex. Adults smiled at her. Tom stood up and pointed to the empty chair next to him before moving to the stove to prepare a plate of food for her. It warmed Alex that Tom was so comfortable with her family, that he would take his children and attend a family dinner even when she wasn't there.

Alex had been working with Wheeler since Logan began some other investigation, which he and the captain were being very quiet about. She hated to spend a Saturday at work, but when she and Megan had a lead on the suspected killer they were tracking, it required immediate attention. But they had finally arrested Patty Trebay and she was at Rikers, waiting for a lineup on Monday. Alex sat down and Tom put her plate in front of her, after kissing her cheek. Alex ate slowly and spoke little, enjoying the familiar banter and jokes around the table. Enjoying having Tom at her side, joining in and laughing with the others.

She watched Tom's profile, as he traded firefighter humor with her brother. _I could spend the rest of my life with this man. _The thought surprised her with it's suddenness. Tom had asked her to marry him and had been willing to wait patiently until Alex was ready. _Ready for what,_ she wondered. Her reasons for wanting time were suddenly forgotten. In the eight years since Joe's death, she had dated other men. But this was the first time she had looked at a man and imagined a life with him. _What am I waiting for?_ Alex couldn't think of an answer. Not one.

Danny Ross held the door of the restaurant open for Elizabeth Rodgers. They had spent an enjoyable evening at the theatre, and an even more enjoyable dinner discussing the play. Danny found her analysis of the play insightful and intriguing. Before he knew it, two hours and a bottle of wine had disappeared.

As they waited in front of the restaurant for a cab, Liz slipped her hand into his. Somehow he maintained a calm, cool demeanor, but Danny was suddenly infused with warmth.

**Monday June 4**

"Don't make this harder than it has to be," Megan Wheeler said.

They were sitting in a bar at JFK Airport, having a drink as they waited for Megan's flight to board. They had already said their goodbyes at One Police Plaza. After the elevator closed and began it's descent to the lobby Mike had gone to Captain Ross' office to discuss the case against Julian. When Ross informed him that they couldn't charge Julian with anything and had released him, Mike left Ross' office and took the elevator down to the lobby. He caught up with Megan just as she was getting into a cab.

"Hey, mind if I come to the airport and see you off?"

Megan was surprised, but agreed and he got in the cab with her. Once they got to JFK, they discovered that her flight had been delayed for at least an hour. Mike suggested a drink, so they were sitting at a table, a glass of Scotch in front of Mike as Megan sipped a Gimlet. Mike chuckled at Megan's comment.

"C'mon Wheeler, if it weren't for me you'd be sitting here all alone. I saved you from an hour of boredom."

"OK," she conceded. "I guess you are more entertaining than the book I brought to read on the plane." She looked at her partner as he took a drink of his Scotch. "So what's going on with the investigation of your neighbor's death?"

Mike sighed and set his glass on the table. "Nothin' is going on with it. The investigation is over. I know that her creep of a husband forced her to have sex; I know that she jumped off that roof because she thought she'd never get away from him. I just can't prove any of it. Ross had him released; said there was nothing we could hold him on."

"I'm sorry Mike." Megan reached over and briefly squeezed his hand in sympathy. "Were you close?"

"Not really. We had run into each other a couple of times; you know, on the street, in the hallway. Then that night you stood me up at Peter J's, she came in and we ended up having some drinks. We talked until late; talked about what it means to be happy." Mike smiled at the memory. "It was just—nice. We both had a little too much to drink, I walked her to her apartment, and we….kissed." He was silent for a moment and Megan waited for him to continue. "Then I asked if I could see her the next night. We agreed to meet at Peter J's….and, well, you know the rest. That's the night she went off the roof." He paused and took another sip of his drink. "Maybe it would have just been a couple of nice dates and nothing more. But it…felt…like it coulda been more; know what I mean?" Megan nodded. "The last thing she said to me was, 'I'm happy to know ya, Mike Logan.'"

"And what about Sarah," Megan asked softly.

Mike looked at her for a moment before answering.

"You know the answer to that, Wheeler. Sarah doesn't want to be with a cop."

"You don't think you could change her mind?"

"I'm not even going to try," Mike answered firmly. "She made her decision."

"I just think…"

"Don't, Wheeler," Mike interrupted. "It's over."

Megan nodded and they sat in silence for several minutes before she changed the subject and asked, "What about Kathleen's dog? Are her parents going to take it?"

"Well, they said they would find a home for Marvin, but her mother is allergic. I…uh….I'm thinkin' I might just….keep him myself."

"You?" Mike smiled at her surprise. "Mike Logan with a dog? I never saw you as a dog person."

"Neither did I. But, he's kind of growing on me. Mrs. Ponce down the hall said she would feed him or walk him whenever I have to work late and can't get back. I think it could work."

Megan laughed at the thought of Logan with a pet.

"So, Logan, are you really going to miss me that much? I hear Captain Ross already has a temporary partner lined up for you. Sounds like she's good at investigation."

Mike snorted derisively. "Nola Falaaci? Sounds like a stripper." Megan laughed at that. "It's taken almost a year to get you broken in," Mike continued. "Now I've got to start all over."

"Break me in? Right. But seriously, Logan, just give Falaaci a chance. And it won't be forever. I'm coming back. Promise."

They heard the announcement that Megan's plane would be boarding in ten minutes. They finished their drinks and he walked with her as far as security allowed. Megan turned to Mike and said, "Well, this is it. I'll be seeing you soon, Logan."

As she turned to go Mike said, "Hey Wheeler? Just don't come back married or anything, OK?"

Megan turned back to him and smiled. She impulsively reached up and kissed him on the cheek.

"I'm happy to know ya, Mike Logan," she said.

She turned and walked through the gate. Mike stood and watched her until she was out of sight, and then went outside and hailed a cab. He got in and the driver turned to him.

"Where to?" he asked.

"Peter J's," said Mike.

**End Deconstruction**

16


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